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How to Survive When You’re Not Dating

How to Survive When You’re Not Dating

Practical tips to keep going when there’s no prospect in sight.


One of the hardest times for frustrated singles is the time between dating one person and the next. Sometimes it can take days, weeks, months... even years.

Hillel gave some great advice: “If I am not for me, who is for me; and if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Ethics of the Fathers, 1:14)

If I am not for me, who is for me?

The best person to get you through the time between dates is you. Of course good friends and family will be there for you. However, the most important person to show up in your life when the going gets tough is you. You must be for yourself, before you count on anyone else to be there for you.

Remember that you have more strength, courage and patience than you know. When not dating, the first thing to focus on is being there for yourself. If there is no appropriate date in sight, take yourself out on a date. Don’t wait for someone else to appear. Do the things you love. Self-love and self-care are what you need during these challenging times.


...and if I am only for myself, what am I?

We need to remember there are other people who are struggling with similar challenges. Take time to reach out to others who are in a similar boat; you’re not alone. Your efforts may give someone the lift they need to get through another few weeks, or more, without a date.

And if not now, when?

Fear, anxiety and previous negative experiences can prevent us from doing something today. Acknowledge what is holding you back and choose to move ahead anyway. There will never be a perfect time to start dating. Here are three practical steps to seize the day:

Network: Who should you connect with? Think of people you already know who are well connected, and can maybe expand your existing social network. You could take someone out for coffee and catch up, enjoy a meal together, or simply reach out with a quick call to let them know you’d love to connect this week if possible. If you’re a true introvert, your connections may be virtual, via FB or other social media. Do what is most comfortable for you. Your network can be valuable, but only if you connect to it.

Obsess (a little): Be slightly obsessed with dating; for you, and for others too. I have some clients who ask, “Am I too obsessed with dating?” More often than not they are simply passionate about finding the right person and are going to great lengths to do so. In dating, a short-term obsession can help you reach your goal. Thinking and making plans about where to go, what to do, what to say, and who to connect with can be the ticket to meeting your other half.

Be social: In addition to using the people and resources you already have, try to expand as well. Meet some new people by finding local events, or even traveling if you have to for something that involves like-minded people. (Take a friend with you if you need the support. Being your best self is important and sometimes it’s best to have a good friend to back you up.) Whatever gatherings or activities you find, get yourself in a room full of people and meet some new faces.

May you find someone wonderful in the right time and may you feel good about the efforts you make.

December 10, 2016

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The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 14

(7) scott, December 27, 2016 9:16 AM

What do you mean "dating"?

What does "dating" mean? Does that mean going places and hanging out and being intimate with someone with all that as the stated end? If so maybe its not a good thing. Maybe single is better for you.

If "dating" means looking for a marriage partner and you want a marriage partner why would you even not be "dating?" Sometimes you have a prospective partner you're close to and spending time with and when that ends without a marriage, you start over again. Step one: Meet someone. Or a lot of someones. You're always "dating" which means setting appointments to meet and learn more about potential marriage partners.

Unless you are completely defined by your dating partner.

How you live in Step One should be how you live your life in every step. Connected to people and things around you and participating in activities you enjoy with a gratefulness for being alive. That attitude is how you end the dating cycle for good.

With marriage.

(6) yisroel, December 19, 2016 3:23 AM

This is terrible advice. I have been in contact with this person and obsessing about yourself being dateless is the worse advice anyone can give. As a ger and a single not getting redt anything and being told nasty things when trying to get this obsessing over such a thing would just lead to super depression and sadness. Aish and organisations such as it have been totally nasty to me and other gerim I know. This is just stupid. I know you will never post this but maybe this message will be scene by someone that will learn a less and not be nasty to the next ger that needs help with shidduchim, learning, shabbos invites etc.

Dvirah, December 20, 2016 8:05 PM

Rein Back

She says "a little"; also she give practical advice to make plans, etc. to get back into the [dating] game. She does not say sit and brood. The advice is good, but perhaps the phrasing wasn't. Had she said "brainstorm about dating", your reaction would probably have been different.

yisroel, January 15, 2017 1:09 AM


Brainstorm about dating is just getting more depressed. Being a ger not allowed to go out on dates and waiting a year for a stupid normal shidduch suggestion is depressing enough thinking about it and begging to get someone to see you as something more then a nebech case when no one ever does is worse. these stupid shidduch coachs and stuff do nothing but remind you more of how unwanted you are wanted by the jewish community

S., January 31, 2017 7:00 PM

I am also dating (for the past 5 years) and the daughter of a ger. I am so proud of my father, and look up to him so much for doing what he did and who he is today. Dating is actually going ok for me (in terms of getting good suggestions), but sometimes my single friends who are also in their early 20's (good, "frum from birth" girls with both parents FFB) do not get a shidduch for a year. It is very depressing and very hard for them. Good luck to you, and just know that it may not have anything to do with being a ger!

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