Single, Jewish & Cynical?

Dear Anonymous: Please remember not to make assumptions . I live in the same community and he is one of the most involved people around.

I was reading Victor Frankel's book, Man's search for meaning, and he said, that one thing that caused the jews in concentration camps to give up, was the feeling that their existence was "provisional" that it had no meaning unless they could be freed from that place, and they never knew when or if this would happen. He said, that long term unemployed people feel the same--that only their life is meaningful if they can find a job--but there is no guarantee. I compare this feeling of meaningless to wanting to find a person to love--I felt when I was single like my life only had meaning if I could have a family--a husband..but it wasn't clear that it would ever happen. But Victor Frankel said, you have to find meaning in the suffering that you experience, if that is what you have, and not ask of life what you want, but ask what does life want from us? Because he said, the ones in the concentration camp who lost their sense of meaning, gave up, and deteriorated. I know I cannot compare singleness to a concentration camp--but I think every single jewish person should read that book, because like Chaim's article, it describes this feeling. People said, you have to enjoy being single... and they were right, but not in the standard way of "single is ok" but instead "Hashem gave you this suffering--try to live through it--there must be meaning".

I dated tons of guys and felt just like you! People gave me all sort of ridiculous advice, to settle, to stop being picky... and im engaged to a wonderful guy that i like TONS! My advice 1-get a dating mentor to guide you through this MORTIFYING parsha 2-this parsha is difficult, emotionally devastating and sometimes even spiritually devastating. Its ok to admit it. Its ok to refer to it as such. Youre not exaggerating. It is simply heartwrenching. 2-Make new friends as often as you can 3- Keep busy with meaningful things 4-When ur friends get engaged/married BUG THEM to ask their spouses if they know someone for u 5-Dont give up! It comes, and it saves ur life. May it come soon to ALL OF YOU who are looking!!!!

I was taking my lunch break at work and saw this article. I feel the same way with you. I have a good career but something is missing in my life. Been to a relationship but apparently didn't work out no matter how hard I tried. I do the same thing, go home , eat alone, travel to different countries alone, do things alone and sometimes I don't want to go home because it's an empty place to be. I pray to G-d for peace in me and help me with my everyday struggle. I feel better when I surrender all the loneliness and emptiness inside. I am not looking for anyone but I will let G-d send me one that is right for me. Maybe someday he will come or maybe there is none for me. Thank you so much sharing your story.

B"H As mentioned by the people above, I wish you find your soulmate soon! I find myself in the same situation as you, and although there have been moments when I have lost hope, I still remain focused to finding my soulmate. It's interesting, someone above talked about secularism in todays world; this is the same thing I'm going through. I do not live in a religious community, so I'm thinking this only makes it harder to meet the type of woman I'm looking for. I think its good to "keep my mind away" from this, and let HaShem do his will. One way I've done this is by participating in various Aish trips. I went on birthright and a few activities in the NY region, and It really is a great way to meet singles, while at the same time, making new friends, becoming more involved with Yiddishkeit, and improving my physical health (Even though the food was GREAT in Israel, we walked so much, I lost 8 pounds on the trip. Although unlike you, I didnd't feel great about it, LOL).

Great Article! Please send your shidduch resume to me estherbarsky@gmail.com I work with a lot of shadchanim and it would be my pleasure to forward it to them and If I know any girls for you I can pass them your way! Good luck and happy dating:)

What a great piece. How appropriate for you to share such a strong message about living one's life to the fullest, Chaim. One of my favorite quotes, from Randy Pausch, in his book, The Last Lecture," is experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. And how priceless is experience. It's a gift we are given and we can pass it on to others. May writing this article be one of the last steps you needed to take before meeting Her and may you get to share the experience and appreciation you've gained for overcoming life's challenges with an upbeat spirit in life with your future children!

I think this article makes a lot of good points. You have to stay positive and keep at it, being negative won't help the situation. One of the issues with the jewish community is that the dating system has a ton of holes in it and might need to be re-vamped. A lot of people talk the talk about helping other singles but they don't back it up with their actions. Also, for a bal teshuva such as myself it is not easy because jewish religious dating is a lot about connections and not about the quality that I offer. if my family isnt religious except for me then i have to do everything related to dating on my own, and make things happen. One trick that I use is to mentally compartmentalize things and not to always thinking about dating. So when I am doing dating related activities then im focused on that but if im doing other things then there is no reason to stress or think about dating possibilities. My last point is very important i think... Moving forward...jews, especially religious jews have to be pro-active in helping the single friends that they know in finding potential dates. It is better to try and fail then not try at all. So enough talk about helping, but actually DO IT !!

I am sure almost 100% of the singles out there relate to this article. Thank you for sharing these thoughts Chaim. I have been single for over 16 years and brought up children already. We live in such a complex secular world that people do not know who they are anymore. It's quite challenging now a days to create that mutual intimacy and trust that is needed in a great relationship. I agree that we must focus on our blessings and develop our strengths; love life, stay positive, and surround ourselves with good friends. The dating scene is 'grueling' and we sometimes have to meet many 'frogs' before finding the 'prince'. As a woman, I do not feel the push to attend shul too often, so people tend to forget about me, unless I speak up. Also I run a house which keeps me occupied in between work. If feel that keeping busy is part of the panacea then when we least expect it, Ha Sh-m will send the right one to each and everyone of us. I am commenting because I can relate to the article personally. Most of all I need to give MYSELF a 'pep talk'. For no matter how busy we keep ourselves, we singles still come home to a lonely house and usually make a lonely Shabbat. I will really appreciate giving up the drivers seat to the special man in my life after what I lived through : ) . Sometimes we go through pain in order to get stronger and appreciate the good that is to come.

first, i wish you success in finding your wife soon. you have certainly read many books on marriage, but may i recommend the river, the kettle the bird? it may help u define what u r seeking. second, why do u refer to people's heartfelt wishes as pretentious? i am certain most of them wish with all their heart that u were happily married. do u feel marrieds can do more? i thnk many do plenty to try to help singles. and certainly there is no reason to deride their good wishes. lastly, why not get involved with the community? there r so many organizations helping old people, sick people, children at risk... the list goes on and on. get involved in other peoples lives. offer people rides, errands, shopping trips. reach out and you will be lonely no more. and ps. do a real soul searching and determine your true priorities. as u become a more giving person, u will be in a better shape to be a wonderful husband. may we soon wish u mazal tov!

I too am single, your description is spot on... and your suggestions on staying positive will be put to use! I've felt a lean toward cynicism and knew I did not want to go there... It's oddly comforting to know I'm not the only one going through this, and even more comforting to get advice that helps! Thank you :) Brandy

Most men are picky and superficial, looking for a woman who is a size 2/4, has just the right hair and clothes, etc, when they should be looking deeper...

So I almost teared up a bit when I started reading this. It's sad, but I know exactly how you feel. It's hard enough to find a soul mate in this world but to put an additional requirement for them to be Jewish appears to make it an insurmountable task. However, it's great that you've realized that it's necessary to stay positive and work on yourself in the meantime. Although we all may feel lonely every once in a while, I think G-d has a plan for all of us. If you have not found the right person, you are probably just not ready. I know that I've learned a lot about myself through each experience. I think I am better able to recognize the right person when he does come along because I have learned so much about myself through my relationships with other people. I've also realized that even though I'm not observant, it is very important for me to be with someone Jewish. There is just something about our heritage that others will never quite get and I want my partner and my children to understand these things. We all do have many things to be grateful for and from your biography it seems you are no exception. Thank you for writing this because in some way it gave me hope that I am not alone in feeling this way. Keep up the good work and I hope you find your other half soon. :)

Chaim, your message hit home, I was single for a long time and finally met my soul mate close to the age of 40...it was very demoralizing when people judged me for not being married, branding me as if there is something wrong with me... according to a wonderful book "Tzvugim and Shidduchim", (the Jewish guide to finding your soul mate), you do have to make some effort and Hashem will do the rest, the more evolved we are, the better quality soul mate you will find. For all the singles out there, keep learning, growing and make friends with us married people - they may know single people to fix you up with. Also, married people shouldn't judge single people, one of the hardest tasks to do is to find your soul mate...Married people should welcome single people, invite them to your home, introduce them to others. Special mitzvahs are to introduce single people to each other especially if it leads to a marriage.

Chaim, there are many wonderful replies here to your article. Keep reading over them, and skip the negative ones. No one should be writing about "bad marriages"...this has NOTHING to do with you. Every situation is utterly independent of everything else. Everything should only be positive and giving chizuk, because in reality, this is the truth! And find a mentor, if you didn't already, who knows you very well and whom you can trust. An objective opinion goes a long way!

I have been married for close to 25 years and it been a wonderful thing. That said, not all marriages are. Some people argue, and others are unhappy. There are women with 3 children, a 40 hour a week job and are simply overwhelmed. More than a few husbands can be overhwlemed with paying a large mortgage and trying to keep up finacially. Some say they would love a vacation, a few days on their own, travel and the like. A woman cousin spent most the last three decades travelling, having several interesting jobs, meeting some famous people, and having a wonderful, fulfulling life and marrying at 50 to a great guy. My point is not to push too hard, and enjoy what you have. Don't idealize marriage and good singlehood is better than a bad marriage. I suspect if the average single person is happy, optimistic, fun, and confident, she or he will find more people. Few singles want to hear about other people's problems and issues. I would say enjoy life, and don't idealize marriage. .

Make Aliyah asap, Chaim. Contact Nefesh B'Nefesh. Hatzlocho Rabbo

Hi Anonymous, What has Aliyah have to do with being single? If Hashem wants you to meet your soulmate, he will take care of it, even if you're in China!!! Aliyah is a wonderfull thing to do but not if your main goal is to chase after your soulmate. But this is my opinion! Regards, Tsippora.

Hi Tsipporah. The Jewish People believe that changing one's place can change one's luck. We CAN change our mazal. Your name means "bird" - so spread your wings and fly to Eretz Yisroel and make all your dreams come true. If your soulmate is in the US and you are in China, Hashem takes care of it by bringing you both to Eretz Yisroel.

Chaim, kudos to you for writing this!

I have a close friend - wonderful guy - who has been looking for years. He recently met a non-Jewish woman and a relationship is developing at breakneck speed. It's hard for me to tell him to give her up and "keep looking" in the Jewish world when he has made an enormous effort to no avail. He is not observant but cherishes everything Jewish. If you have any suggestions re how to get him to give up something that is fulfilling for the unknown, then kindly SPEAK UP! Children cannot be cited as an issue because they're past the age to have them.

My immediate response is that he is setting an example for others younger than him..Either he sends the message to people that it's no big deal to intermarry or date, no matter what age.. Or he sets the example for others that he, who cherishes his Jewish culture, fears not his Creator nor his tradition, and therefore the law to not intermarry doesn't apply to him or isn't worth keeping. .. Since you say he's too old to procreate, and therefore the argument about destroying a potential line of continuity in the Jewish nation is useless, then I would say it's, if anything, a cultural or spiritual detriment to the nation.

Excellent book for contemporary people in this dilemma. To the extent he can understand it, he needs clarity that marring the woman will not solve his dilemma of being single, because at some level his soul will suffer and deep down he will know it. I heard a quote along the lines of, "The only thing harder than being single is being married and still feeling single." Until you meet your Jewish soulmate, energy spent elsewhere just delays the true feeling of being married. Finally, even if children are not an issue, what about the person himself? If he would care about not raising a child with a Jewish mother, shouldn't he care about his own spiritual welfare? Apart from the issue of marrying this woman, the best thing could be to get him more involved with learning, Jewish community etc. Good luck:).

In my mind, I wrote this article for years. It was only after realizing that after 120, I would see a movie of my life with a cast of one, that I renewed my search and really, really tried to give it my all, no matter who I was set up with. And it worked. If I had met my wife a few years before I did, we wouldn't have gotten past the second date. I would've said, "No way!" But with dating, most of the time you just don't know the person, even after several dates. Our goals matched, and even though we were different personalities, there was no reason not to keep continuing. And today, I have NO doubt that I married my bershert, no matter what people say about missing a zivug or whatever. Shidduchim is as hard as splitting the sea, because some people like myself need a miracle ;) The yoshua came. Don't give up, Chaim. Everyone keeps telling you that there's a time for everything...I can testify to it. And we look forward to your next article about your wonderful family.

Chaim, this was beautifully-written and so heart-wrenching. I truly wish you the best of luck in finding your bashert--you're an amazing guy.

Until about 2 years ago I could have written this article. But, B"H, I kept at it & met a wonderful woman & we are now married. I had many doubts that it would ever happen. It can happen. So just keep at it.....

Right there with you, on the feminine side though... May Hashem in his great mercy bring us our zivugim very soon and easily. I hope the next article I read from you is about how miraculously you found your basheret.

chaim lazaus sounds like a wonderful young cring and giving young man.he expressed so truthfully the feeling of loneliness of so many singles, including our 37 year old daugher, who is tall, beautiful,loving and a surgeion living in Mnahattan.if mr. lazarus wishes, aliza would be happy to set him up with some of her younger friends. hatzlocha and may singles find their bashert b'karov.

I don't feel that the Jewish community wherever you live have any interest in helping singles find each other. When you go to Temple or synagogue you feel out of place because many of the activities are geared to couples. In my area there are5 temples or synagogues. Why don't they get together and hold a social for singles whatever the age group. There are many senior singles who would like to find a companion to possibly have a long term relationship or marriage./

I live in Mexico and rightly as you say there are no activities to help Jewish singles meet each other. Some rabbis express concerns that there is asimilation but nobody takes responsibility for actually doing something about it. I was single for 39 years and it hurt so much that I always remember it and often think about it. I met my husband through Frumster but if it had not been for the internet I would probably still be single. Why don´t the communities care?

Now how about being married and childless and getting comments from others? Similar but different. So, you look for others that could use our help.

I to was married and childless and I fought long and hard to become a mother. Everything that could go wrong did. The last time I become pregnant was 5 years ago but I also lost that baby. I didnt think I would ever get over it. But today I can honestly say HaShem had something better in store for me. I am thankful and thank HaShem every day I didnt have children. If you would like to correspond ask the editor for my email address, I am happy to support you if you want

not the same at all- you have a husband to share this terible challenge with- someone that wants a child as much as you do, and for whom your struggle is personal. Singles are alone- as many friends as they may have, nobody fights their fight- sorry, i think thats completely different.

There is no right time to get married. Some people are ready at 19, others at well over 40, but Hashem knows when it is the prefect time for YOU. I am single and very much want to be married. I have been dating for the past 3/4 years in search of my bashert. Am I angry or unhappy? NO! In fact, I am grateful for the fabulous life I have lived thus far. I am not biding my time sitting idly and waiting for a husband. I pursued an education, made lots of friends, worked, travelled, davened, and made good use of my time. Honestly, I am a more interesting person now than I was four years ago and certainly make for a more engaging, interesting, spouse for someone than I did three years back. Look at the single years as an investment in yourself and in your community, because once you're married with kids, there will be less free time to volunteer or even just spend time on yourself. Don't fret--your bashert is out there waiting for you just like you are waiting for him/her. Singlehood is not a tragedy, just a different season amongst many seasons in life.

Mr.Lazarus lives in a huge Jewish community that does NOTHING to involve Jewish singles.I know this first hand because I live in a suburb right outside of Baltimore.Thank G-D I was fixed up with my husband 24 years ago.Being Jewish and single in this community is tragic --- you feel like an outsider.The Jewish Single problem needs to be addressed by all Shuls. Is it any wonder why intermarriage is so common? I pray that Mr.Lazarus finds a good Jewish woman that is deserving of him.

Maybe its because I'm a Baal Tshuva, but I really don't get the feeling of "loneliness" that you describe...I enjoy having the independence to to decide what to do, when to do it, and whom to do it with. I scuba dive and skydive and pick up and go to South America or Europe for a trip of a lifetime, not to "escape loneliness." The only reason I feel the need to marry within the next few years is the fact I am worried about the quality of my eggs decreasing and I want healthy children. I am in a long distance relationship, but I am just as happy in the time away from my partner as with my partner, because I also value the opportunity to focus on my needs, my hobbies, my career, my family and friends, etc. I think there is too much pressure in the orthodox community to be married, especially on young women.

Being single can be a real pain. People drive you nuts with their insensitive comments. Persevere. Use your time wisely, develop yourself, and serve God in all you do. Help the less fortunate, study, explore, go to school and never lose hope. I got married at 37 and no one was more suprised then me! I will pray you meet the right person too. God bless you!

I dated for many years- not only i dates close to 100 men, but i also dated a particular man on and off for many years, who moved on to marry someone else and break my heart into a million pieces.I dated so much, and my loneliness was so great that i was almost paralyzed. But out of the blue came my chosson, a suggestion by a friend that started like so many other suggestions- 7 weeks later we were engaged. When it was right, i knew it. Now my life has changed so much i remember the pain of dating as a very distant parsha, even though it was 3 months ago. I am a new person- full of simcha and hope. It happens! you think it wont and then it does! you are in the dumpster, dumped by that great guy you thought was so good for you, and someone amazingly better comes your way. It happened so quickly i can barely believe its true. It happens, dont give up.

hi, i understand in my own way (no one understands exactly the situation of another).....but i am always going to be single. because i am disabled and i have to be taken care of by my family. i am so grateful tho to stay with my family who love me. i am learning that i am always depressed about my lot in life (Hashem why can't i be normal??)....but i am much happier if i try my best to help other people and animals and work on my talents. then i feel like my life has a meaning. if i just lay in bed depressed i will want to die.

Dear Achel: I am also severely learning disabled, am a wanna be convert (for 2.5 years now!!!), am "getting on," though still attractive, and financially at an extremely low ebb. I have arrived at the same conclusions you have. I also realized, that few people see the challenges, since my disability is invisible, people ascribe my situation in life to a number of moral failings. I take this life as an opportunity to understand that judging anyone else, can only add to burdens people carry, hidden and never share. I on the other hand, am deeply grateful, that you so kindly remind others of the limitations that you encounter in your life, it can but induce thoughtfulness, and and veryhopefully, a more profound dedication to Chesed, towards others. Thank you

i would say that being disabled brings a whole other demension to love and loneliness and being single. in my case it is a profound disability where i cannot take care of myself without help, so until i die my parents will be caring for me. when you are disabled it can be harder to relate to other people, harder for other people to understand how you feel, it can be very isolating....in my case men would not even consider me as "dating material" even if i were looking for a relationship (which i am not since i have accepted the reality of the circumstances of my life). and cowardly men make fun of me because i am too different, in their eyes, "not worthy". i have never dated anyone. i know in Hashem's eyes he does not see me that way (as being of less worth than other people....this gives me a greater appreciation for Hashem). it sounds like your disability is such that it will not prevent you from dating and marriage but that it will make for extra challenges in your life and in your relationships. that is the best advice to not be judgemental about others and to focus on chesed. if you keep focused on chesed no matter what is your circumstances, no matter if you are single and lonely like myself but you will make the world a better place. i think its more important than anything else that we will make the world a better place.

Chaim your writing was incredible - it pierced my soul and spoke to the hole in my heart. How do you explain such devasting loneliness to the dearest people in your life, when they only want you to know happiness too? Reading this tonight has helped me stitch closed some of the deep pain, sadness, numbness and recognize that the hole in my heart is really only a small part of the whole of me. HaShem has given this life to me and it is my choice to learn and grow and make positive with what I do have in my life. I recently bought a silver picture frame for my mom, from the Oprah shop and it spoke to me deeply in this way: "Want What You Have". I want the peace and wholeness that you have offered here with this article and I accept this lovely gift.

Your sentiments regarding the loneliness of Jewish "singlehood" rang true to this mother of a lovely, "older" frum daughter caught in that "in between" world. At times, I have been there to provide comfort and solace to a fine and decent young woman, on her long quest to finally discover that extraordinary person who will herald her reversal of fortune. I hope for both your sake and hers that such a unique individual finds the path to your world and hers.

when I started to read the article, I was thinking that was me. Now I do not feel that I am the only one in that situation. thank you for the advice :)

You sound wonderful. My advice, for what it's worth, is to stop actively seeking. Hard, I know, but this seems to work. Keep an eye out, of course, but don't be desperate. For the opposite sex, someone who sees them as a potential spouse is a real turn-off in most cases. I have seen this happen, and been on the receiving end. And, I fear, sent out the signals. Relax & make them see you as a marvellous gift, not one that's sitting in the window marked down for a quick sale. A dear friend married because he was lonely & wanted badly to be married again, and has fallen victim to a greedy, manipulative, controlling narcissist who'd have married anyone to have a house of her own. She saw our dear T coming. Please, please, please, don't be needy. Like T, you're too good for this. T also turned women off by wanting to go too far too soon...emotionally & commitment-wise, I mean. lots of love & lots of good wishes from someone on the other side of the world

By the time I got married, I considered my self quite the warrior. I had taken on many bad dates, people with good intentions but too much unsolicited and irrelevant advice, hours of loneliness and undesired pity. I strengthened myself with davening, involvement in the community, shiurim and an attempt to appreciate that good that I did have. I very much appreciate the sentiments of this author. I wish the best to him and to anyone in this situation. Y’yasher kochachem. May all who are seeking their bashert be met with hatzlacha and happiness.

It's hard to understand another's life, but it seems you have met many women and so I wonder, is it something about your expectations of "soul mate" or, is it something else that is holding back you're finding another person. Maybe the problem isn't what you think of, as the Problem. As to lonely, we are all of us, lonely in one way, or another, and loneliness is often a function of perception and the spin we put on our respective ways of being. Sometimes I feel desperately lonely, but I know, I also love this meditative, beautiful place, where I live, and where I spend time doing an often solitary occupation, which is writing. I am married, with grand children. But lonely is so often an internal state of mind, and also part of being, human. Most people assiduously, avoid, the void. They fill it. But when you sit back, and listen to the birds, or walk through the woods, or garden, or do anything sweet, that loneliness, that solitude, takes you toward Sol, the Sun itself, and then you feel the warmth of something far far greater, in your life, each step of the way.

I have been single, had a bad marriage, divorced, and now have a good husband. Believe me, a bad marriage is the absolute worst! What can be more angst producing than living with someone day after day who treats you poorly.....NOTHING! Enjoy your singledom, and do things where you know other singles will be participating. Also, be open to those who may not be a "10." It will happen if you are patient.

Chaim, so wonderful that you can express your deepest thoughts this way! May Hashem send you your zivug very soon!!!!

Shalom, lofty positions, degrees, social status, good looks, and wealth are ALL surface attributes. What really counts in the long run, is a kind loving heart. Trust in HaShem's divine providence, and be prepared to recognize it, when it comes ones way. Otherwise, one is "shopping" for a mate based on superficial attributes. Blessings ~ B"H

Awesome, awesome article. Thank you!

Yasher Coach on your article Chaim-I am sure this will be very helpful for many people! -a fellow Panther

.......when there is such a plethora of great women who have done teshuva, compared to the number of men. He has apparently gone out with very many women. I wonder what it is that he thinks is missing?

I have a 28 year old great niece, phd. in Neuropsychology, pretty, frum, smart, very, very nice, and she can't meet someone. How does this work in today's frum world where there are only shidduchim, and you have no chance of meeting in a normal way as in the "outside world"? I truly am sorry for you cause if you don't meet someone early you seem to be destined for singlehood. keep looking, should happen to you.

I married at 43. It was a marriage of reason. I met several Mr Right but too soon in life, did not recognize them and it would have been a disaster anyway if I had married when I was immature. I know so many single friends, attractive, good careers, so much going for them. I know several guys still single, so much going for them. I tried several match makiings and it back fired on me. I used to be part of a group of like minded early 20's something singles, nearly all of them married out. What is going on? they can't find the right one in our community, yet the right one comes among the gentiles, heart breaking.

with this wonderful article!

Thank you for writing this article! Being a 30-yr-old Single Woman in Los Angeles, this article hit home to me. I always remember, as difficult as it is to be single...it would be more difficult being married to the wrong person.

Chaim, how old are you?