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Still Single after All these Years

Still Single after All these Years

How to use the challenges of being single to come closer to God.


I’ve been single for a really long time and with another birthday coming up taking me deeper into my 30’s it is painfully apparent that another year has passed with my status remaining the same.

I’ve spent the last several years working on myself, trying to view every opportunity, even the painful ones, as a way to grow. After all God is the ultimate coach, guiding and pushing us. Sometimes the only way to strengthen your muscles is to push yourself through the pain.

A friend recently told me that as soon as she’s married she’ll be done and she won’t feel she needs anything else from God. “That’s a little dangerous,” I told her. “You’ll always need something from God even when you’re married!” As much as we want to have our marital relationship, He wants to have an ongoing relationship with you too!

Each time we pass a test or strengthen ourselves in a challenge or painful situation we actualize our internal potential and become an upgraded version of ourselves.

It’s not always so easy, that’s for sure. There have been many times I’ve had to work really hard to see the spiritual connection in the place of constriction. I’ve recently gone through one of my longest periods without a date and each time a dating suggestion comes up that falls through I’m faced with either being bitter or choosing to see the positive.

No, that suggestion didn’t materialize into anything, but God is saving me from going on bad dates. No, that guy isn’t my soul mate but I’m a great person and I know God has someone amazing out there for me because He loves me and always has my best interests at heart.

There is some reason why it didn’t work out. Each time I choose to view the situation positively it deepens my bond with God and helps elevate me to a stronger and more spiritually refined and positive place. That kind of attitude also changes what you’re attracting to yourself as well.

In the beginning of my single “career” I used to drive myself crazy with comparisons. “She’s getting married? I have so much more to offer! What’s going on here?” I realized I was really selling myself short. Life is not a race, it’s a personal marathon. When I shifted my perspective and started appreciating the gifts God was giving me in my life I developed a greater appreciation for how much He personally customizes everything in my life for my benefit. Yes all those other people might be getting married now and I’m not, but that is good for them now and this is good for me now. My experiences are not their experiences and my gifts are not their gifts. God gives me what I specifically need. When I embraced that realization, there was a level of freedom and relief which deepened my appreciation for the razor sharp guidance God gives us every moment of our lives.

The loneliness is real and palpable, but God is also real and palpable.

One of the biggest struggles I’ve found in being an older single is the loneliness. You do your best to keep productive and have a supportive social circle but people get busy, get married, have kids and life moves on. My personal answer has been prayer. Judaism refers to prayer as “avodah she b’lev” – service of the heart – because God wants our hearts. You want a relationship with deep, meaningful conversations and so does He. He wants to hear from us and deepen our relationship through our prayer. Each time I feel that pang of loneliness I channel it into my prayer and it helps strengthen that connection. In Hebrew the term for prayer, lehitpallel is reflexive, meaning we’re doing it to ourselves. Each time we pray we’re refining ourselves and changing ourselves through examining ourselves and conversing with God, thereby changing God’s decree.

The loneliness is real and palpable, but God is also real and palpable; He is here with us every second of every day to keep us company and talk it out.

Yes there is a tinge of sadness with each birthday that rolls around where I remain single, but this year I’m focusing on how far I’ve come and the added strength I’ve gained while my soul mate is out there somewhere having his own personal training session with God. After all, I’m not really single. I’ve got my relationship with God and that’s the ultimate relationship.

Read more dating wisdom here.

April 30, 2016

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Visitor Comments: 12

(11) another single, June 9, 2016 9:39 PM

thank you...

as i was reading this, i felt like you read my thoughts somehow. What your going through, is happening to me as well. for years i had this upbeat approach that I needed to work on myself thoroughly . and i did. and big changes happened. it was the best thing to ever happen to me. I became free of the emotional bondage that this world brings out in us. Life has never been so great, even single. and just like you, I KNOW our soulmates are out there. All ths hard work will pay off, H does not abandon. Keep going my friend and thank you for this incredibly encouraging post.

(10) Sara, May 28, 2016 11:21 PM

Very inspiring! Beautiful!

You have given me tremendous amount of chizick. You are so right that these challenges that we are given is to make us a better person. it is just what I needed to read right now a I am going through a very challenging time and you have really uplifted me. Thanks so much for this beautiful and inspiring article. I love this one when my birthday comes up I always reflect on the positive. Yes! You are so right! Thanks for reminding me!

(9) Scott, May 11, 2016 4:51 AM

Your soul mate is not "out there"

I have tried to read the secret a bunch of times. It's all about this idea of attraction where you focus on your wants and they magically appear. I've got friends that swear by this idea. They're really successful and realize the goals and get the things on their dream boards. But what I notice when I compare them to the people still aspiring on the secrets path is that the guys that get what they want go out and get it. They work. Hard. With an objective. The first secret of getting married is work. A disciplined campaign of meeting people and processing meetings. Seeing opportunities and handling rejection. The second secret is assembling a realistic list of wants. When you say soul mate I wonder if you really understand what you want. Because the perfect man is a myth. And a person has to know your soul to mate with yours and that takes time. It doesn't happen in three dates. I'll bet you dimes to dollars that if you seriously make a list if what you're looking for in a good husband-eliminating the stupid chemistry-you already know him. You've met him. Worked with him. Bought something from him. And if you havent, somebody knows him and can set you up for coffee. If you're a guy and your short or not making good money anyone and overweight or assess yourself as physically unattractive that does make it harder. But the thing about doing this in your thirties is that many people have grown up and the physical is less of a barrier. You just gotta work harder. But the question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you really want to marry at all.

(8) Anonymous, May 5, 2016 5:28 PM

Very encouraging

I'm turning 49 in a few weeks and I'm still single while all my friends are married and have kids. I'm alone a lot and am really dreading my birthday this year, not just because I'm single, but because I'm not where I want to be in my life in a lot of ways, but I'm going to try and believe G-d has me single and where I am, even at this age, for a reason.

Jerry Lindell, May 6, 2016 6:28 AM

You shouldn't be alone with lonliness

The Religious community are quick to share their teachings
on how to live life.
They are a joyous people---- in general.
How could they not see your unhappiness and help a little.

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