Stop Looking for Your Soul Mate

Of course he's still single if he thinks he'll meet a woman and know right then and there they are "soul mates", My husband and I were thrilled with each other and eager to be together but little did we know that the next decade would be trials, challenges, illness -- and it was by going through those difficult times that we grew as close as we are now. You don't need a "soul mate" for the happy days. You develop a soul mate by slogging through the real facts of life with someone who dedicates herself to your well-being and to your life together.

I'm a once single, married for 24 years, BT, now a shadchan. I completely ascribe to the tenets of this article! The focus of singles in dating has changed over the years & I believe the "shidduch crisis" is due to that change in focus. The primary focus must be "get married & establish a Jewish home"; for far too many singles the 1st priority is often "find someone who looks like a page out of a fashion magazine who titillates my senses". Sorry, but this has been my experience as a shadchan. Almost without exception, of the many singles I have spoken with, the prospect of a date will not even be countenanced without seeing a picture of the proposed date 1st. A young woman does not have to be a "Covergirl" or "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit model to be a great wife & mother; similarly for the men, substitute "GQ" & other such magazines! I understand that being single is often painful. I hold, along with Rabbi Singer, that there is a solution. Let's not hold our dates up to a fantasy threshold that even we ourselves could not meet. Let's make becoming a wife/husband & establishing that Faithful House in Israel the priority. Focusing on mutual goals & middos will, B'E'H', bring each one of our singles to the chuppah & generations.

Now is the time to work on yourself to be a better product for somebody. Be too busy that you even forget you are still unmarried. Until you dont have time for marriage, you are not ready for marriage. There is a big diff between singleness and being unmarried. Tanx.

I agree; while I am totally for the "soul mate" thing, at a certain point you have to realize that you have to grow up a bit. It's not fair to expect absolute perfection from potential partners; no one is perfect. Also, for all you know, you could be dating your soul mate, but miss that fact because you are so focused on your own ideal image you've created. Images can be good and they can be harmful. In a case like this, it can be harmful to yourself, the people you date, and your soul mate to hold onto your own image of the "perfect soul mate". G-d has someone in mind for each person and most likely none of us has the right idea of who that person is or should be. And whether the concept of a "soul mate" is true or not (everyone has his own opinion), it's important to remember that any relationship between two emotionally healthy and balanced people can work out and be a happy and meaningful one.

Rabbi Singer, If you are willing to meet me and marry me off for free too I would love to meet you!

This piece might have been more effective had the writer responded to what the first author (Chaim) wrote instead of issuing proclamations that the author assumes Chaim needs to hear. Upon what basis does the writer declare that "you have to agree that you are making a choice to remain single" and chiding that "instead of focusing on your real tachlis (purpose) you are seeking to fulfill your own needs and desires"? What standing does the writer hold to issue such a verdict on the life of a man he's never met, based on an article that suggests the opposite?! The writer claims that Chaim is seeking a fantastical "perfect 'soul mate'" instead of a real partner. But Chaim's article indicated no such thing. The writer directs his counterpart to "Step up to the plate, make the big decision, and take your place as a Jewish husband and future father." But Chaim already wrote that he desires nothing more, and feels real pain that his aspiration to be a husband remains unrealized. Why is this patronizing sanctimony aimed at someone who already seeks what the writer scolds him for not having? Many singles look for and appreciate the help of more-experienced married mentors in finding a spouse. A systemic review of one's goals, perceptions and shortcomings, suggested by the writer, are indeed important in building one's self and relationships. But pontificating upon the life and motives of someone you've never met, contrary to the evidence (!) and in a seeming spirit of "din l'kaf chovah", harsh judgmentalism, is unlikely to inspire confidence or followers. It certainly wouldn't reel me in.

Choosing to settle for someone when there is no strong attraction is asking for trouble. I would suggest however that men examine any rigid age bias that narrows their search, and women do likewise with other criteria. Hashem may have a plan we aren't aware of, so why spoil it by being narrow-minded?

i am also single and yes i might add that it is very hard to find the perfect woman and i also think that being single is not always the best thing. the best thing is to stop looking and hashem will help you . also they say when you stop looking for true love you find it.

Perhaps Chaim is not looking for perfection but has just not met someone who he is attracted to and would make a good wife and would make a good mother (the right person for him) to have a healthy marriage. You can choose to be single and happy. At the end of the day most single people would rather be married and happy. We have gotten into the habit of looking at single people and wondering whats wrong with them? Are they too picky? Are they looking for perfection? and this is what makes being single painful but until you meet someone who you are attracted to and would make a good spouse and parent singles should have personal goals and a good group of married friends who include them as another person in the crowd and invite others singles along-this helps with the loneliness.

perhaps Chaim chooses to be single not because he is focussing on perfection but because he has not met a woman who he is attracted to, would make a good mother and a good wife(the right person for him) to have a healthy marriage. Most people look at singles and wonder why they are single i.e what is wrong with them? Are they too picky? Are they looking for perfection? In my opinion this is what makes being single painful.There is nothing wrong with choosing to be single. It is possible to be single and happy. Most singles would prefer to be married and happy but until they find the right one (someone they are attracted to and would make a good spouse and parent) things like personal goals and having some good married friends who include them as another person in the crowd and invite other singles they know along help ease the loneliness.

I agree 100% with the Rabbi and admire him for having the guts to publically state the truth.

I've been married for seven years and neither myself, my wife, or any of the other couples we know are especially amazing people. We are just ordinary people, yet seemed to have had little trouble finding a spouse. We didn't need a dating coach, a match maker, or anything else. We just did what came naturally. We just "get it".

Stop telling singles they are being too picky, they should settle for this and that... just to be married. Do you know how hard marriage is and how many divorces there are? Where does this attitude come from that it is better to be married to someone who is just so-so to you than to be single? I took this Aish advice years ago and married a man whom I had no soul mate connection but "I could build something with". It was a disaster and ended in divorce. Singles in general are smart and have considered many points and have thought deeply about the whole subject so stop patronizing them. Honestly, on a subconscious level I used to justify my own miserable marriage and tell singles the same thing 'It's not supposed to be fun" and "stop looking for 'perfect'.." (even though most singles aren't looking for perfect- they are looking for a good spouse). It's fear-based and faithless to give this kind of advice to singles. The Torah says it's harder for G-d to make a match than to split the Red Sea. Would G-d tell his creatures to just settle for something that doesn't feel right? The frum world seems to have forgotten that marriage stam is not the cornerstone of Judaism- HEALTHY marriage is. Better fewer and healthier marriages than a ton more of miserable, dysfunctional ones. Stop panicking at the number of singles (who can be happy and serve G-d while they wait) and start focusing on the number of destructive marriages and divorces we have pushed people into.

Agreed. I think that's a really good point, Dana, although I agree with the article's call to be realistic when looking for a bashert.

i totally agree- i was in a most miserable marriage for 16 years,maybe the first five were -just ok. people kept in telling me-not to give up and think of your kids-well i thought of myself and my kids -im sad that im not with my kids everyday but i made the right decision . you sound like an amazing woman

feel free to respond to my e-mail

Rabbi, it is insulting to say that singles are making a "choice" to be single. Maybe some are. Maybe men are. But most women I know are NOT. We are consulting rabbis for eitza, getting sound advice, and I can assure you -- we are NOT being too picky. If a person is sick, going to all the best doctors, and not getting well, would you ever tell that person, well, it's your fault for being too picky? You're choosing to be sick? It would never happen, or that person would be considered cruel. I am in my 30s, and now dating the men who have taken this "just pick someone advice" -- and are now divorced with kids, with difficulting trusting that they ever might find the right woman. Stress over money for having to possibly support two familes in a bad economy. Worry that once they start anew, once their spouse remarries, their connection to their children from their first marrage will be broken. This is a very very very sad situation. "Just picking someone" won't fix it.

The term shidduch crisis needs to change to marriage and relationship crisis! There are too many divorces to count, dysfuntional marriages that would surely not please Hashem. This idea that getting married is the be all and end all is insane! While there may be a lonliness that comes along with being single longer, there is a great wisdom to knowing oneself better and the ability to truly learn what love and respect is all about. The Rabbi's articles on this and other sites that I have found are awful, very one sided, narrow minded and sadly always talking about appearances. No one but himself is calling him a relationship coach!

Better to be a happy, healthy single than to be miserably married. I rushed into marriage with someone whom I don't share a connection with because I was getting older (I was 27, he was 37). Stop calling this the shidduch crisis-better to call this simply waiting. Being divorced, especially with kids, is the real crisis.

Wanna come to The Netherlands to help me too ??!!! Just kidding ! I found it so sweet that Rabbi Arnie wanted to help him... and I agree with that nobody is perfect and there are some guys out there looking for perfection (I've met a few, one of them in his 40s and still single). There is a difference between dream & reality and while we dream and might shape our future that way as - I believe - God hears it all, it might be a good idea to "drop" some unrealistic qualities a woman might have (such as have it ALL) and look around for somebody good enough. I wish Chaim good luck and I'm sure he'll find his "Mazal". (I don't know it's the right term for the man !!). Sylvie p.s. I live in The Netherlands where there is about 30000 jews and I did find my ex-husband here (also a Jew) after thinking I'll never find another Jew here (dated right before a Dutch Jew but it didn't work out). My ex-husband was coming from Irak. Who would have thought I'd meet a Spheradic Jew (like me) here ! I was praying every single day to meet my mazzel as I did get very depressed because my younger sister and my brother got married and I had nobody...... I remember the pain & the loneliness...... Now, after a messy divorce, I still haven't given up meeting another nice Jewish man here and guess what ? in a Dutch (non-Jewish) dating website I met tTODAY an Italian man (I'm myself French) who is Jewish (from his mum) !!! OK, I still have to meet him but isn't that funny ?! And one day as I was thinking "how will I meet a Jewish man ??...." some Jewish guys from Israel knocked at my door wanting to sell some paintings !!!!!!!! OK, they were much too young but as I was thinking about how to meet a Jewish man, I answered to myself `sure he´s gonna knock at the door` !!!! Maybe I'm lucky, I don't know, I just believe I am or maybe God really hears me ±/'

We were NOT commanded to " find your beshert and procreate" . We are commanded to marry and procreate, period. As the popular saying goes: "aim to like what you have and not to have what you like".

I was 35, and had decided that nobody would be interested in me. I had a couple of relationships previously, that looked serious, but went nowhere. I decided there and then that I was never going to find anybody who was interested in me, so why look any further? One month later, I met my husband, the great love of my life. So, when I stopped actively looking for somebody special, I found more than I had ever wanted. We were engaged within a month, and married after 7. I am the happiest person on earth, and we are blessed with 2 beautiful daughters, that make our family cpmplete. By the way, my husband was 42 when we met, so don't give up hope, it could still happen for you. We waited a long time to find each other, but it was definitely worth it!!!!

i am going on a shabatton this weekend and i feel lots of pressure that i just have to meet the right one-i was told to relax and after reading your e-mail -i willl thanks

So every woman this guy dated was rejected by him ? Am I to understand that not one woman was seen exactly as you want him to see someone ? No one rejected him, is that it ? This is what I CAN'T stand about the dating attitudes of the frum world! The single is always to blame ! Has anyone here ever actually heard anyone say they were looking for perfection ?? Come on!!

With all due respect to Rabbi Singer, I am truly shocked that you wrote this article and I am further shocked that Aish published it. Chaim's article expresses the pain experienced by many fine upstanding singles with perfectly appropriate and reasonable expectations – so even if Chaim actually did have issues to resolve, publishing this article in a public forum is potentially hurtful to many innocent and suffering individuals who are not being picky or having unrealistic expectations. Second, Chaim’s point (as far as I could tell) was to offer some suggestions for staying positive during the challenging period of being single – which part of that is wrong and deserves a critical response? Even if a single does need to work on changing their expectations they could still benefit from suggestions on staying positive during that period of growth! Finally, how can you promise Chaim that you will marry him off? (“Chaim, if you come up to NYC, I will meet with you (for free) and help you get married. Whenever you’re ready.”) As painful as it is, some people never marry, and it is completely unfair to assume that that is their fault. It is also very hurtful to make a comment to a single that suggests that their singlehood is their fault. Again, even though the points you make in the article are certainly true for some singles, it seems to me that the way they are presented is more hurtful than helpful.

Chaim gave his advice to singles on the front page of Aish.com to be read by all. I added one more option that he left out, and that Aish obviously felt their readers also had a right to hear. If this is meant to be a private matter, then perhaps both articles, or maybe all articles giving dating advice should be removed. Second, I stated clearly that I totally agreed with the advice of staying positive. But that's not enough. There's more to it. Lot's of folks remain very positive well into their 50's, holding on to their visions of future happiness. Lastly, I promised to help him (and others) get married. All I can do is help, I can't control the outcome. It's still the individual's choice. I'm still waiting to help.

When I read Chaim's article, I had many of the same thoughts which were well put together in this article. That being said, I think the reality lies somewhere inbetween. Chaim does make good points about not assuming a single guy is at fault for his situation. On the other hand, I think that there is always more one can do to become more ready & open. I do appreciate the subtle point in this article that one should be in constant contact with a Rabbi or someone qualified for guidance and objectivity.

I've always said this but thought that I am somehow not seeing the whole picture, so it was refreshing to see this in print. True, some singles are not getting enough dates because their unique challenges (whether its age, weight, health issues or their controlling or hypersensitive, or aloof, or unstable personality) make it difficult for them to get set up (in which case those closest to these singles can help by supporting these singles as they work on these issues and by working harder on setting them up). Many singles, however, do not have serious problems (other than their perfectionism) but are just burning years looking for "the right one." Then, when they are fifty and still single, they might be willing to marry just about anyone, but their age now becomes an actual problem. It's become unfashionable to call them out on it and instead roll everything under the "singles problem" umbrella - so I give Rabbi Singer a lot of credit for saying it like it is.

There are so many negative comments, because the writer of this article said that the lonely apparently great guy (Chaim) is "picky" or "looking for a perfect soul mate". There are tons of lonely and great jewish women out there--that is really clear. When I was dating (I got married at 43, now we are expecting a baby in a month--a year and a half later), I had dated alot of nice guys who decided not to love me, or take our relationship seriously, even though things were pretty good. So I --and maybe other women--are interested--why not? what makes men so cavalier, that when they meet a good match, they don't much care? Its puzzling for women, and maybe its true that men are searching for perfection --and not just a good relationship that could grow--and maybe women should know that--so they can keep from being shocked and hurt at the

Rabbi Singer is not calling Chaim "picky" and not insulting the singles community at all-- he is asking him to honestly re-examine his modus operandi for dating and not just wait for the fireworks, which are, for the most part, mythical. And he is offering his assistance gratis as a dating coach to help Chaim do this reassessment so that his dating can be more productive-- and hopefully shorter. Been there, done that, and now happily married and in love with my husband and the father of my four (IY"H) children. And although I knew I respected him, and could enumerate his many positive qualities, I didn't particularly love my husband until after the wedding.

The author is grotesquely over-simplifying the issue. Of course the most important traits are that a person is kind, honest, etc but in order for two people to be married for 20, 30, 40 years, it has to be a MATCH. Sorry to say, there are other factors such as similar life goals, similar lifestyle expectations, emotional and intellectual compatibility, and physical attraction. If finding a mate were as easy as the author is proposing, then we would have machines making matches, not human shadchans! I have been on dating websites like frumster, etc and have never dated anyone I met there. All the men I have gone on dates with are people I met naturally while living my life normally on a day to day basis. The man I am currently dating I met at a Starbucks, the man before that at a friend's house. The best advice to singles? Get out of the house more, always look presentable, which includes not walking around with your ipod in your ears--you want to look approachable. Also, smile and act engaging--another part of looking approachable. Live your life and surround yourself in activities you enjoy, not just activities that you think will attract men. And finally, pray. Hashem will send you your bashert when you are ready for it! Best of luck to all!

Okay, I read this article and the one by Chaim, and I could relate to every single word that Chaim wrote. I get so upset when people tell singles that we should just settle or give someone a chance that is clearly not the right fit for us. I can't tell you how many dates I go on with "nice" people and I want to leave the whole time because they just don't fit what I'm looking for or excite me. I have also been on dates where I am super excited and that is what I'm looking for. Although the latter hasn't happened in awhile, I know its possible.Yes, I'm selective and I will not apologize for that and why should I? This is someone we are looking to spend the rest of our lives with and grow old. This is the most important area in our lives to be selfish because we have to be happy in the end. Why would I want to be with someone because they are just okay? I feel lonely a lot because I haven't met the right one and its so hard to watch everyone around me moving on. However, its only because I just haven't met the right one - nothing more, nothing less. There is nothing wrong with me… I have no shortage of men that want to date. However I would be doing a disservice to them and myself if I tried to date someone just for the sake of not being lonely. I am not even capable of that because I am either going to want a relationship or not. I'm not looking for free dinners and flings. I'm looking for the real deal and to all the other singles out there - stay strong and never settle. I agree that we should keep an open mind and put ourselves out there. Realize that there are a lot of other great singles out here in the same boat and take comfort in that. Good things come to those who wait!

I never said you should "settle" or marry someone just for the sake of being married. In fact I wrote, "find a wonderful woman who will be a great wife and mother whom you are attracted to." Of course you need to be attracted to your partner. The problem is that many people have a distorted, fantasy based image of what they are attracted to. That's why guys I meet want to date only women who look like models and girls want guys who are tall and handsome. Well, maybe with a little leeway, a few extra pounds and few inches shorter, there would be a lot more happy marriages. Good things come to those who are ready and willing to work for them. So stay strong and never settle, but be realistic and please please don't wait too long.

I have been coaching people in the dating world on the same thing for years. There is no such thing as perfection. Find someone who meets your most important criteria, and stick with them. Recognize their flaws, and make a conscious decision to live with them. Then, when things get tough, remember that decision, and move on. Movie-perfect romance is not real- it is built through years of respect, commitment, and hard work!

What you're saying is true but that was not the main thrust of this article - which was negative and accusatory of all singles and totally unfair to Chaim and those going through the same challenges as him. If a person is not excited about someone, no matter how "good things look on paper," it's not the right one for them!

After a failed marriage and being a single mom, I too went through years of not finding Mr. Right. After reading an article in Aish about love being a choice I decided to change my M.O. Meeting someone was always easy for me (thanks JDate), it was moving into something more serious that always failed. When I met Scott I still had doubts etc but I decided to commit and choose to love him for all the good things he offered. When you choose to love the good, the values, the whole package (yes kids and all) little things become trivial! Here we are older singles and now happy love birds. It took me all these years to realize that I was the one who had to change and then someone would be there for me!!!

Dear Rabbi Singer, I just read your article and I just felt a bit insulted. Just because I read Chaim's article and could really relate to his article. Every word he wrote in his article I felt the same way. I was just wondering if you're a Rabbi and you want to help out people, why is this done is such a judgmental way and why do you put everybody in one corner as if all the singles are picky? Of course we don't look for perfect people but we do have to feel comfortable and 100% happy with the person with who we are going to build our lives with. Some people just didn't find the right one, not because there is a specific reason behind it but just because they didn't find the one yet! You've a 100% right to give your opinion but why in this manner with such an article that the whole world will know how you think about Chaim's position etc. If you're a dating coach, why don't you call up Chaim or e-mail him and help him with the appropriate advice instead of this public article? Regards, Tsipproa.

Tsippora, I didn't write this article to insult anyone, and I'm sorry if you were. I know that many, if not most, singles are picky from my own experience, those of my friends, and from the singles I meet with and interact with daily in NYC. As a rabbi and dating coach, can't reach out to people with unsolicited advice, unless they are ready to accept it and ask me for it. This article is my request for them to contact me and ask for help (if the feel they need it). I'm waiting.

who do you know who's 100% happy? I married the first guy I dated, my brother married after dating hundreds and being single for 11 years. I used to tell him to find a good girl and just marry her, for goodness sakes! He used to say but when you were engaged you flying. Yes, I was, because I was focused on the positive! When I got out of the car on my first date, I saw I was taller than my husband. So for the next date, I bought shoes with almost no heel! My brother would have dropped the girl immediately. Big mistake to look for 100% happiness.

This article may be scientifically correct but I don't judge Chaim to be picky. He just doesn't meet her yet. And when he does, then he'll know. If not,then no matter how hard he tries, it just would not click. I don't subscribe to the theory of picking just anyone and make a soulmate out of him. I believe G_d makes the matching.

I also don't advise just picking anyone. I do advise managing expectations and opening yourself up to the wonderful people that God does send but that we're often too blind to see.

We know Chaim belonged to the Unhappy Singles Guild... Let us not assassinate this lad further, RL

Joseph, I don't know who Chaim is and this article was not written to attack an individual. Chaim became the representative of all singles, and my response was to that group (which I was a loyal member of). If I had read this article years ago and reached out for assistance, maybe I would have gotten married earlier than I did.

Pay attention to it!

this article is very insensitive towards single people. yes there are some singles that are too picky but it is not fair to assume that all singles are this way. We all deserve the opportunity to be happy and noone should get married just to be married. Sometimes H-shem has a dufferent plan for us and we get married later in life. Maybe there is something that needs to be done before you get married or maybe our Bashert married the wrong person and will get divorced. In these days when the divorce rate is so high... you cant just take it so lightly. This article should be removed because all it does is make singles feel worse about their situation. Im sure you have some better advice to help singles.

I appreciate that it is extremely hard for single people as they grow older. As someone who married for the first time in my mid forties, I can empathize with the agony of longing to be married, to have physical connection with another human being, to have children and of simply being alone when you don't want to be. When my now husband asked me to marry him, I went through all sorts of panic filled emotions. Although he was a good man whom I liked, he wasn't handsome, he was overweight and I didn't feel "in love" or strongly attracted to him. I spoke to a friend who helped people to find shidduchim and she said to me, "Do you know how many single women there are who can't find a man to marry? At your age there are many more available women than suitable men. Have you looked in the mirror? You look pleasant and nice, but you're not beautiful. And you're overweight too. Marry him." I did, and several years on we are both deeply in love with one another and very happily married. We both work at our relationship, as anyone needs to do, to give of our best to the other. Before I met him, I had gone through the emotional rollercoaster in dating in the frum world (I came into yiddishkeit as a mature woman), and I do appreciate that good people can remain single for a variety of good reasons. But I have to agree with the writer of this article. The longer one remains single, there is a danger that the more unrealistic one's expectations may become. This can especially be the case for men who have never been married. My own advice to anyone seriously looking to marry: Concentrate on at most three important qualities of character you need in a spouse. Throw out the shopping list of expectations. Do all you can to help yourself, asking shadchanim, friends etc. Look honestly in the mirror, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Work on becoming the kind of person you would like to marry. And most important, work on your relationship with Hashem.

I couldn't have said it better myself. Thank you for sharing. I would love to repost your comment on my jcoach.com site. Please let me know if that's ok.

Thanks for your response to the comment I wrote ("A response to those who disagree with this article"). I am very happy for you to repost my comment on your website. However, I should add that the advice I was sharing at the end of my comment was essentially the gist of what I learned from a talk given by Rabbi Yom Tov Glazer (an Aish rabbi) about looking for your soulmate. I took what he said seriously on board and six months after I heard him speak, I was engaged to the man I'm now married to.

I think one of the main reasons the divorce rate is so high is that the things we look for in a potential mate are often irrelevant in a happy marriage. People focus more on appearance, finances, social status, than middos and chesed. They also don't focus on their own middos and chesed. When a wife and husband are kind, respectful, and caring towards each other they will have a great chance of remaining married. I'm pretty sure that's Hashem's plan, regardless of how old you are when you marry. Feeling bad about your situation is often a necessary step to making the changes necessary to succeed.

Rabbi Singer wrote an excellent article. Sorry, but the commentators here who decry his "right" to respond, I believe have it wrong. Rabbi Singer is merely responding as someone who also apparently had difficulty finding his soulmate. He is giving words of advice. Isn't this why Chaim wrote his article? And obviously, no two situations are alike, so, does this mean that absolutely no one in this world can offer Chaim advice? Think about it. Why castigate Rabbi Singer? Whether or not Rabbi Singer interviewed the man prior to writing this article, or whether or not Rabbi Singer suffered precisely the same as Chaim, in the exact same manner or for the exact same length of time that Chaim did, at least Rabbi Singer is offerring Chaim constructive advice.

I think some of the critic missed the line where I wrote that they're goal should be "to find a wonderful woman who will be a great wife and mother whom you are attracted to." I mean, what more can you ask for? Thanks for speaking up.

The author had an agenda and forced his square peg of an essay into the round circle of Chaim's letter. Rabbi Singer misses Chaim's point entirely and instead focuses on the opening sentence which he blows out of proportion. He addresses nothing of which Chaim writes and rather projects what he assumes Chaim must be thiniking. Perhaps wise advise for someone else's situation But the author had no right to force himself into this conversation by hijacking Chaim's essay. For that alone, he deserves criticism. Anyone else responding to this article should consider first reading Chaim's original article (which is referenced in a link at the beginning) before judging Chaim or his position.

Andrew, Chaim's article was very clearly written to give advice to singles, which he does in the second half of the piece. Chaim chose to represent singles by publishing this essay publicly. My response was not to him personally (although I would love to help him) but to the "singles" he is speaking for. There is another option- "it is to find a wonderful woman who will be a great wife and mother whom you are attracted to." Is that too harsh?

On the whole concept of bashert many years ago. But I'm still single, despite my best efforts...

After my divorce aged 39 I frequented weekly Jewish singles parties for years and years and years searching for the perfect partner. Aged 66 I am still looking for her. When my younger bachelor playboy brother reached the age of 40 he finally DECIDED he now wanted to get married, and to a Jewish woman. So he purposefully went to his first Jewish singles party... and met his future wife there. I know - because I was there. Since that evening they are still very happily together, and long may that continue. I'm still trying to make up my mind.

Hashem will provide exactly what each of us needs. Be patient, hopeful and sooner than you think, there will be someone just for you. I have faith in Hashem, praised be He, or each of us as singles to find, rather to have found for us just who we need.

I am a huge fan of Aish but this is one of the WORST articles I have ever seen posted. It was downright condescending and callous! The author claimed that he walked in Chaim's shoes. Everyone's experiences are individual--it is impossible to imagine what it is like in another person's life. The author went on to make a number of assumptions about Chaim and pretty much the Jewish single population as whole--that basically it is their fault they are single. Instead of preaching to single people about how they need to settle maybe the author should try to do something more constructive such as setting people up. As a side note, I cannot imagine how the author's wife feels knowing that her husband is positing publicly that he feels he settled.

Why do you feel that Rabbi Singer "settled"? I agree with this article. It is not a question of settling but rather of identifying the important things. I just recently married (second time around) a guy that I was seeing because he was nice. I was positive that he wasn't “IT” because "I had learned from experience and now KNEW what I wanted". It turns out that we shared a lot of the "important stuff". We are both making compromises in our attempt to build a good life together. I don't call that “settling”. I call that "working to reach a goal".

I didn't settle, and I don't want you too either. What I did was clearly define the qualities that I really needed to be happy, and cross out the ones that were part of an unrealistic, and irrelevant, fantasy world. When I did meet my wife (do to some hard and focused work on my part) I was able to appreciate her beauty, kindness, and intelligence and not throw it away because of some unrealistic expectation stuck in my head. When you're able to do that, you won't be settling either. I'm here to help, if you like.

col hakavod,rabbi singer!go for it!love ur style!

Mr. Singer's title to his response to the lonely man who cannot find the perfect woman raised a red flag for me. Why is the word "attractive" so important to men? If you are really looking for a person to spend your life with and build a family with, looks are unimportant. Women look for a person is kind and compassionate and patient and caring, and shares values and ethics that are important to them. Men seem to have a need to see women as "attractive" and a possibility, or unattractive and not a possibility. Looking for a loving relationship? Look at that person's heart and soul, her relationships with family and friends, her values, her goals in life, her love of G-d and Torah, her inclination towards a committed relationship and children, etc. That is where you will see real attractiveness and beauty shine through. I have been married for over 51 years, and still love my husband dearly. We grew up together, literally, and learned to give and take and respect one another. Through good times and bad, we were a team, and we still are. Also, ask yourself what you have to offer another person, not just what she has to offer you. Good luck.

Are you telling us that your husband did not find you physically attractive when he married you?

Attractiveness is not simply a physical attribute. It's just as important to be mentally and spiritually attracted to your partner. And what if men do tend to be more visual and physical than women? What is so wrong about that? We are, after all, different. Most men generally tend to be more physical and visual, while we are more cerebral and emotional. And that's okay. Aren't we two halves of a whole? Surely, it makes sense that we would have qualities and characteristics that complement each other and are even opposite? Yes, it's what's inside that counts as my friend recently quoted to me,"find a man that you can talk with, because the fascination with beauty goes by, and the long autumn days can be spent on a nice conversation". But it is also true that each of us, men and women, find certain things attractive and not others. There is no need to apologise for this or feel bad. Otherwise, we would all fight for the same few individuals and where would that leave us? And you are just as right that we should "look at that person's hear and soul... values, goals, love of G-d and Torah..." But before we can even get to those things, it is often an initial physical attraction that first prompts us to dig deeper. I'm in a long distance relationship, so the physical aspect of things is very much non-existent at the moment. We have literally fallen in love with each other's minds and spirits. And we continue to do so daily, while we wait to be together. And I love that our love story happened this way. But I also know that this is OUR story and everyone else has THEIR unique story awaiting to unfold.

after being married for almost 44 years to Mr. all right, I have a comment. I married at 25 to someone who was an average man. He had the qualities that you would want. education, good job prospects, friends. the love did not develop, our interests diverged as we aged. Our children grew to adulthood in a house where they saw affection wither and die. one is married with her own growing family. the other is single after breaking off a 5 year relationship. I am too ill, in my 60's, to work. So I am dependent on him. so even though the thought of settling for good enough is good in theory. it can backfire.

So, Chaim writes an article where he pours his heart out about how hard it is to date and find someone and you go with the mean and nasty party line of 'older singles are too picky'? Chaim even addressed the pain that people like you cause older singles. Read his article again and feel the pain of people. Don't just look to preach from your high and mighty place. You talk down to Chaim and older singles. Pretty nasty of you.

John, I did feel the pain along with so many of my friends. Many of them are now married. Some aren't. Those that did marry, including myself, didn't settle. They rethought their expectations, held on to the important ones, and got rid of the fantasies. Many of us had to feel miserable and hit rock bottom before succeeding. Unfortunate. No ones talking down to anyone, just talking reality. Let me know if I can be of any help.

" I think I actually have walked in Chaim’s shoes and thus, have earned the right to offer a response" No, you don't. Unless you tell us that you spoke to him at length and can see that he's looking for the perfect girl etc etc, you can't base your opinion of him on a few lines he wrote in an article. Just because he used the words "soul mate"? It's interchangeable with zivug, wife, bershert...you don't know what happens on his dates or who he's being set up with. Your offer to meet him is nice, but you should've done that before writing a public article.

I would worry about a man whose goal was the "perfect match", and I would worry about his criteria. What is so special about him that he feels so "above" so many of these women who have floated in and out of his life. Maybe lucky for them, they did not wind up with a man who is always seeking perfection, a "soul mate" and not seeing the soul of the woman who is right in front of him. I would not want to be married to a man who is always looking for a clap of thunder to show him the way. I agree with what you have written. Love is a garden. We tend to that garden and make it grow, by watering, by nourishing what is planted. Many who hear that clap of thunder and do join, experience a lot of rain. And rain is good, but it can also be terribly divisive. We need to learn to live with each other, and we do so often grow together, and do it, well. Maybe the geodes that are present in so many people, you just do not see, and in your isolation, in seeking, you are missing the truth of the exercise itself. I think this man could use a little advice and I feel the wisdom in much of what is written here.

I was actually shocked to read this article. I clicked on it thinking that perhaps it was a joke; a piece of good Jewish humour. Obviously, it isn't; and my response would be to just to reiterate Chaim's original message; no, you CANNOT judge anyone; regardless of whether you may perhaps think/assume that you were in a similar, or even identical situation. Considering that no two people or situations are identical, I don't actually think it is at all fair or reasonable to make that assumption; and I would say that you have NOT "earned the right to offer a response." With all due respect, you haven't; and telling someone what their problem is - when all you know about them comes from an internet article they posted - comes accross as soething quite arrogant.

I got close to a man in his late forties who had never married. We got on very well together and unexpectedly a close friendship developed. I was in my early forties and in the process of conversion and he was helping me which is what brought us close in the first place, and so I wasn't available to marry. Once I had finally reached the mikvah and was now available, he started putting up emotional walls between us. Frankly not only deep down do I think he was he scared of commitment, but after all this time alone he was looking for a woman who simply didn't exist. I wanted very much to marry and could see that unless I did something this emotional connection between us would continue but never get anywhere and would prevent me from moving on and finding someone who was realistic about finding a woman to marry. So I gave him an ultimatum. He decided he didn't want to marry me, so painfully because I actually liked him very much, I let him go. Now several years on, I am very happily married to a wonderful man with a wonderfully accepting family and in retrospect I am so glad that it didn't work out with this other man. He is still single, now well into his fifties, still looking for a shidduch that I fear he will never find. As a person he can be very kind, he is highly intelligent and I wish him well, but frankly he is sabotaging himself by completely unrealistic expectations. Anyone wanting to marry needs to look in the mirror honestly and ask who would seriously want to marry me. If a man is 50 it is usually unrealistic to expect that he would attract anyone more than a few years younger, and the reality is that there are many wonderful single women out there for those with the eyes to see.

Some people are just afraid of committing as well. It can be hard to take the leap, fearing what could come down the road. Some let that fear paralyze them and keep them from even trying, which is really a shame. A little bit of chemistry and great communication skills can take a marriage far, you don't need to leave your marriage up to the tides of fate like the West has tricked us into believing. God gives to those who seek.