(4) Michael, 28/4/2006
Interesting article but....
Living in a country with a small Jewish community a lot of the Jewish women spend their dating existance looking for 'Mr Right', or as it seems 'Mr Perfect'. It takes many of them well in to their 30's (when their fertility has considerably declined) to discover that their wish list was an unrealistic pipe dream. In my experience, while many non-Jewish women do have the similar ideologies, it doesn't seem to be as prevelant - however at my age (mid/late 20's) I am at the ideal marriage age/stage and I will say upfront that I am not holding out for the sake of a "Jewish marriage".

(3) Anonymous, 6/4/2006
changing to committed
The authors say that "They don't change their orientation in the midst of a courtship, no matter how much they like their dating partner." - but I'm questioning if that's the case. Why isn't it possible that someone can start out liking the other person as a friend or for companionship and become attached to them along the way, so that they decide they do want to marry this person? Hasn't that ever happened? I remember learning once in a psych class that often people marry out of propinquity. Shouldn't spending time with a person lead to thoughts of commitment?

(2) Shaul, 5/4/2006
To commit or not to commit....
B”H

I'm 54 and looking for my second Zivvug , and am amazed how many people in their 40’s are still ambivalent about marriage

The excuses I get from women who decline me are endless. One was honest to admit that she’s not actively looking for marriage. Another didn’t feel attracted and saw me too different from “ordinary” men. Another was worried that I was only 6 months divorced. Others say that they are not quiet as I am. Another needed a man who will encourage her more in her academic career. Still another said she wants a man who will listen to her the way she needs (we only met once). Another said she was sensitive and afraid of getting hurt, while another nobly professed that I need a woman who can give me more than she can.

More than one woman has advised me to look only for someone who has already been married, for the reason that women still single in their 30’s and up will find it too difficult to make the adjustments necessary in married life.

Perhaps they are right. Recently I met a very attractive, accomplished single professional girl aged 43 who asked me right off why I wanted to get married. When I answered “to put some order into my life”, she snapped back “but sometimes the wife makes a mess of out it”. I wasn’t surprised when she said later over the telephone that we weren’t right.

So much for the women. As for the men, while I can’t speak for all of them, I can repeat the conventional wisdom that many of them are already wedded to their jobs.

Then there are the men who just aren’t grown up. I was like that myself well into my 40’s. I remember going for counselling and being told that I lack emotional maturity. I was so insulted that I just didn’t go back…

It unfortunately seems that in our “me” generation it is getting harder and harder for us to make commitments and admit another person permanently and intimately into our lives. Not so the Jewish ethic, which sees marriage as the opportunity, par excellence, to fulfill the Golden Rule “love your neighbor as yourself” with one’s life partner every single day.

Thus the noted Rebbetzin Esther Greenberg A”H emphasized in her lectures, published in the Artscroll book “Woman To Woman” that the most important thing for a woman in her marriage is her husband. Men are similarly instructed by Rabbi Jose telling us in the Talmud that he never called his wife other than his “house”.

In summary, the faster we all get rid of our selfish hangups about commitments, emotional intimacy and vulnerability and the like, the easier it will be for us to assume the yoke of marriage.