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Dear Rosie & Sherry, I'm dating a guy and I think he's great. He's generous, kind, loving, and treats me well. There's just one problem: I don't think he's very smart! The last guy I dated was by far intellectually superior, and I got used to being more stimulated in that department. My current guy has very simple views on life and doesn't really take on intellectual challenges. I think that might be preventing him from growing. I'm not sure I will be able to respect him in the long term. Am I being petty? Aliza Dear Aliza , You're not being petty to want to connect to the man you are dating on an intellectual level. However, there are a number of ways to connect to someone intellectually, and dating partners, as well as life partners, don't have to be intellectual equals in order to relate to each other well. Before we explain this further, we'd like you to ask yourself a series of questions about your friendship with this man:
After you've answered these questions, we'd like you to think about the following observations we've made over the years in working with couples: If you can communicate and relate well to each other on a day-to-day basis, and feel that you can connect deeply in certain areas, your relationship may be very satisfying. It isn't necessary for your partner to fulfill all of your intellectual and emotional needs. In fact, that's a mistake many people make when they are dating, or even when they are newly married. In reality, though, sometimes people can communicate well with each other, but they have different intellectual interests. She likes to talk about esoteric topics, or he's an abstract thinker and she's more practical, or he's fascinated by politics and she by relationships or business. Consequently, each finds the intellectual stimulation they enjoy with colleagues or friends. Often, someone who appears to be a simple thinker actually has other kinds of intelligence. (Did you ever see the movie "I.Q.", in which a man with superior spatial and mechanical abilities pursued a woman with high verbal intelligence?) The man you are dating may have a lot of "emotional intelligence." He may also be able to understand and absorb new information, but be content with the way he views life and doesn't want to challenge it. It's also possible that he is capable of growing intellectually, but is afraid to try because he lacks self confidence or has a learning disability. The fact that he may not be "growing" is frustrating to you because you are comparing this to your former relationship, and you expect the same type of intellectualism from the man you are currently dating. It could happen that in the future, he does become more interested in growing intellectually. But this is not something that you should expect or insist upon -- the desire to learn and to grow has to come from within him. You may decide that you can be fulfilled and satisfied with your relationship as it is. However, if you are still troubled by the different intellectual levels, we don't think you should invest more than a number of weeks, if that long, into trying to come to terms with this difference. That's because if a person cannot come to terms with a major point such as this within a matter of several weeks, he usually cannot come to terms with it at all. We've seen people try for months to do so, because they see so many positive qualities in the person they are dating. But all they end up doing is prolonging an inevitable break-up. We hope you will soon be able to decide if this is the right man for you. With our best wishes, Rosie & Sherry Published: Sunday, October 07, 2007
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all I would like to say is I was wowed by the objective views of the therapist who answered her questions! To be able to give someone those kind of questions to ponder is true intelligence....and for the receiver to give them in depth review, speaks of more intelligence. I want that therapist! (although mine is pretty good, I must say (:
(2) Anonymous 10/18/2007 8:04:00 AM
I would take senstivity over a 100 degrees for
a Bashert. I would rather have a Cring husband, than a superior intellect who will invalidate my feelings at every step of the way. I was once married to a current events wiz but he would invalidate my feelings on all levels. Than I was engaged to both a smart person in his field, but could care less of the news of the day- yet he validated my feelings, and talk me how to be a communicative person. If it was not for his petty need for the suburb life, and for me to be a mini van soccer chaffuer taxi driver- we would be married today! So liferstyle insinc is the key to making a marriage work.
(3) Anonymous 10/17/2007 1:58:00 PM
arrogance?
I am married to a man who is very simple in many ways, give him his beloved baseball team to watch or listen to, a good meal , enough sleep, love and affection and he is happy. Does that make him dumb or simple minded? No, actually he is quite capable of meaningful conversation when he feels like it and has a very sensitive soul. For years I thought I was intellectually superior to him though until I realized we just have different personalities. He is actually the only person whose advice I trust and he actually is smarter than me afterall because people who think they are so smart tend to think they know everything and don't wait long enough to contemplate everything and usually end up doing something stupid.
datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.
Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the books, "In The Beginning - How To Survive Your Engagement and Build a Great Marriage" (Targum Press), and "Talking Tachlis - A Singles' Strategy for Marriage." They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.