(1) Yoni 12/4/2007 11:49:00 AM
Follow your heart-to where?
To the path of despair...following your heart is capricous advice, at best.


(2) Anonymous 12/4/2007 11:19:00 AM
THE VOICE OF EXPERIENCE
I myself come from a horrible childhood. Rosie and Sherry have hit the nail on the head; yet I have one additional point. Children/teenagers do not get to choose what happens "to" them. Yet responsible adults do!
History can be the best of teachers - ONLY if we are good students. In order to live, and be a healthy person; one has to know what "healthy" is. With a good therapist your friend can learn. It can be done; but it is very difficult and hard work.
On a very possitive note; the results are a far and away very caring, loving, and kind person; BECAUSE they have LIVED and understand unhealthy and sinful behaviors.
The Sins of the Fathers are NOT his. For your "quote" loving family to pass judgement - they are not living our precious teachings. Perhaps THEY need help. They have an opportunity as jews to HELP another jew. Where is their humanity and a life dedicated to true mitzvot? Instead they choose judgement!
Shame on them! Do not follow their bad example!
If he has resolved his past - then you and your future children will far and away have the best of marriages. But only if he has done the work!
Be honest with yourself. Listen to your heart - for Hashem speaks to you through it. If you trust it - your blessing will be many. May his light, and blessings shine and through for you to see.


(3) Joe 11/28/2007 10:17:00 AM
I am astonished at the comments:
Look, it is indeed possible that the poor fellow has unresolved issues that possibly/might/maybe become a problem. It is indeed possible that certain "scripts" are missing in terms of negotiation and other essentials for making a marriage work.

But do you know what?

WE HAVE NO DATA ON WHICH TO RUSH TO JUDGEMENT. It is also possible that this is a suberb young man, who in addition to the other hardships of his life, has been slandered and missjudged by Loshan Hara - to the extent that good pious people are ruining a chance at marriage. Let's be really clear. What preciesly does Torah say about this? It is clear that none of the commenters have read Chofetz Chiam. I am mentioning the name so that you have at least heard of him.

The best advice for this young woman is this: Ma'am, you must make an informed descision. You must find out if this is indeed a problem. But, you are an adult. Your parents are not going to marry him. You might. You must, after really looking into it, follow your own heart.

(4) Anonymous 11/28/2007 9:55:00 AM
look for specifics
I think the most important thing to find out, is he aware of how his dysfunctional background affected him? Does he say his parent(s) behaved one way but he (hopes to) behaves better; does he say he is working on himself in a general way; or does he admit that he has to work on a specific area(s). Also, how is he working on it (them)? Is the Rabbi he is close to aware of his specific issue(s), and is he actively helping him regarding it (them)? Is the fellow working together WITH the Rabbi on them, or is he unaware of the Rabbi's involvement?
Anybody from any kind of background can grow up with issues, not just parent issues. They could have had sibling, peer, monetary, medical (physical and/or emotional) issues. The key here is did they hide it, ignore it, or admit and work on it (and of course were they successful, and by who's standards)?
The next thing you have to consider is if you are willing to help him with his issues (remember this could be a lifetime commitment) and not be embarrassed to turn to a source of support at ANY point and say "it's not working".
Will you have a good support system? If your parents will answer you with "Well we told you so" that is not a good support system. You will need support who will give you logical and knowledgeable advice. Support who will say that you are doing the right thing. Support who could be willing to say (if needed), "Just leave him now. I'll help you (and children) get started off on your own."
Many people could have left abusive situations if they had left early enough, but they felt they had no where to go, no one to turn to, or were too ashamed to admit defeat. Many people can leave abusive satiations, even later down the road – if the support is there.



(5) Vivian 11/26/2007 8:36:00 AM
Be Careful
My brother-in-law's father was physically abusive to his wife and four small children, and his mother finally got out of the marriage. He cut off his children emotionally, financially, and in every other way. My parents were opposed to the match for this reason, but ultimately supported my sister's insistent choice.

Though I don't think my brother-in-law is abusive per say (I have never heard that he is), my parents, my other siblings, and I don't like the way he treats my sister and the children at times. It's not my business so I don't say anything, but I have seen him be disrespectful and controlling, even in public. Also, they have few friends in their community and I get the feeling that people have a hard time getting along with him. His wife and children suffer from this in silence.

Also you mention that this man was previously divorced - it might help to find out why, in order to help you make your decision. Best of luck to you.


(6) Yoni 11/25/2007 10:26:00 AM
Levels of Dysfunction
There are levels of dysfunctionality-everyone has had some level of trauma growing up-it's the nature of an imperfect world. Yet, there are those who have had a dysfunctional upbringing that has caused an addictive condition, whether it is any of the vices that have been described below. I would offer unequivocally that they need a sustained therapeutic experience with a proven therapist before marriage. A relationship with a Rabbi, while very nice, is simply not enough to repair years of maladaptive behavior patterns.
That being said, those individuals who did indeed go through successful therapy should be considered choice prospects for shidduchim.



(7) Anonymous 11/24/2007 11:06:00 AM
Please Take Notice
To all those reading these comments, please take note!
I havent't noticed the comments complimenting a son of an abusive father and saying to take the chance from the wives of those men!! All the wives are saying - 'don't suffer like me'. For an outside (even a mother or mother in law and surely a friend of a parent!) to say that she knows a man from such a background and is a remarkable husband means nothing. They have absolutely no idea what is going on behind the closed doors.
My mother would've sworn that my husband was a dream come true - while he was hitting and cursing and ruining my life.
Listen to the wives - they are the ones who really know!! They beg one in this position not to take the chance, because they felt the danger on their own blood. And they don't want anyone else to suffer as they did.


(8) Anonymous 11/23/2007 9:59:00 AM
a person can be measured by his own merits
coming from a conservative background, i had fewer restrictions. my stable, loving,
observant, intelligent parents judged the man i married but what they saw; a gentle,considerate, responsible person with fine values. his parents were
long divorced and he called many
unhappy events from childhood. his
father was a tyrant who died shortly
before his bar mitzvah.

i am a good wife and a good mother.
he is a great husband and an even
greater father. we will be married
44 years.

in fairness to a completed picture,
my husband saw a therapist for 4 years
beginning at age 30 and was always
open to the idea that outside professional help is beneficial.






(9) Anonymous 11/22/2007 2:54:00 PM
Buyer beware
Reading this, I think about the dilemma of the past and the dilemma of the future. I come from a loving and stable home, and my parents really didn't want me to marry my ex, who came from a majorly dysfunctional family. But the Rabbis who made my match put pressure and said, "Look at what he came from. Look at what a fine, frum young man he is. It is specifically his suffering that has made him into such a wonderful, dependable person." Admiring him for having pulled himself out of the gutter, I married him.

About a month after the wedding, I cried to the same Rabbis, "Why does he ignore me for no reason? Why is it that everything I do is always wrong? Why doesn't he like it when I ask him why he keeps disappearing in the middle of the night, thinking I'm asleep?" I was advised to be a "wise" wife, and give him space. OF course I shouldn't ask him where he was going in the middle of the night if it got on his nerves. I was supposed to always yield to his will and "love him for the way he was."

It was a sure-fire recipe for abuse. After 15 years and eight children, I finally divorced this man after he tried to murder me and he ran off with a teenager 18 years his junior. And we won't talk about where he went in the middle of the night, indulging a certain addiction he had for years, even before he met me ...

HE WAS REPEATING THE BEHAVIOUR OF HIS FATHER, WHO DID THE SAME THINGS TO HIS MOTHER ...

My dilemma is that, at the time I married him, I said, "Don't judge a man by his background. Give him a chance. He can't be so bad. He's so close to his Rabbi." ... And this destroyed my entire life. Today, I am single parenting eight children, with no chance of remarriage, and being their sole financial supporter.

Don't get me wrong here - I love my children, and I thank G-d that I had them. But I still worry about the future dilemma: "Who will marry my children? Should anyone marry them?" With such a terrible history, of about three generations of dysfunctional marriages and abusive parents, etc, is there any chance? I come from a stable background, but which side will prevail? ...

My two oldest children are already messed up, with one daughter thrown out of school and incapable of understanding discipline, and another son who can't handle the demands of sitting in a classroom or functioning in society at all. The other six are fine at the moment, but then they are also very little. Although my children are all still young, I have no way of knowing if they will ever really heal or if they have a chance.

I don't want to scare you with this story, but from one who knows - JUST BE CAREFUL. BUYER BEWARE ....


(10) Anonymous 11/22/2007 11:04:00 AM
Investigate but have open mind
My friend's daughter married the son of a man who abused his wife physically and emotionally. The wife finally left the abuser. My friend's daughter was concerned and did her research and investigated. They have been married many years now and he couldn't be a better husband. He is kind, considerate, respectful, a real mensch. They have a wonderful marraige and he is also a great father. Apparently he learned what not to do as a husband from his father. My friends daughter is very happy B"H.


(11) Anonymous 11/21/2007 3:35:00 PM
Is it truly worth the risk?
If a person has an uncurable disease they may be willing to take the risk of a medication that could harm them but if a person is well and has a healthy life why would they choose to go into a relationship that may harm them? Marriage is difficult, people are on best behavior while courting but when the stresses of family, children, finances, job loss, other loss occur the norm is for people to revert to old or learned patterns of behavior. it is easy to think someone has changed because in good times they appear to have overcome past dsyfunctional behavior but once observed or learned, it is always there lurking waiting to strike. It does not make the person a bad person and if they are mature they will acknowledge the problem and get help but this will take years, change does not occur overnight and in the meantime spouses and children can get hurt and the dysfunctional behavior will continue.



(12) Anonymous 11/21/2007 1:05:00 AM
it is possible but difficult to overcome the past.
I come from a dysfunctional home, and used to wish that my parents would get divorced . I only told my future husband about it after we were engaged, and gave him the choice to break it off on that basis. He was very understanding and said that we would work through it together. Now, nearly 8 years later we are happily married, although it is very difficult at times and takes tremendous conscious effort not to copy the past. I'm so happy he didn't give up on me then. I think that one thing to be noted here is that in these situations, it depends on which parent was problematic (maybe both). A son is more impacted by his father's behavior and a daughter by her mothers. In any case it will take a lot of understanding and sensitivity from the other spouse to help the other overcome their background. And they will both become even stronger (emotionally and spiritually) from it.


(13) Anonymous 11/20/2007 11:52:00 PM
Wise advice - grumblers, listen up!
We shouldn't discriminate against handicapped or sick people either, but you wouldn't want your healthy child to marry one. A traumatic childhood is a disability, and though one can overcome it, like I did B"H, you should investigate carefully, just like you would do if he came from a family with a genetic disease.
What I find is that if a child from a disfunctional family is good, he's usually terrific' and though he'll need some guidance, he has tremendous potential. Why? (1) He learned everything the hard way. (2) He's not spoiled, doesn't take things for granted. (3) Had he been just good, he wouldn't have made it at all.


(14) chaim 11/20/2007 10:48:00 PM
old enough
if she has dated a number of young men, as she has written, then she is probably old enough and mature enough to make her own decisions. what i would suggest before she does so though, is that she find out about his middos and about his relationship with other people. don't just ask, "is he a nice guy?", because noone who has a normal relationship with him will say, "no, he's the nastiest guy i've ever met", but ask deeper questions, like," how would he react if such and such happened?", and,"did he ever lose his temper over a trivial(or even not-so-trivial thing)?". try to get to the core of his personlity. another point i'd like to make is that sometimes a person will be an extra nice or an extra caring person as a result of familiar disputing. please take my comment(s) to heart and i wish you much brocha and hazlacha!


(15) Elisheva 11/20/2007 9:26:00 PM
Learn to be wise
I read all the article, and all the comments too. I was so touched by your story because is so similar to mine. I met the man who I thought was my soulmate, he was more than perfect during our dating time, just the man I thought I was never going to meet in my life. I knew little about his family because they all live in different states, and he made it look like they were all very busy people. To make the long story short, he ended up being a person coming from a dysfunctional family, and being a very abusive person. I couldn't see this in the begining because most people with this kind of problems are desperate for love and companion, so they behave their best, but once married when the common stresses of live come up, then they show their true colors and life turns into a real hell, specially if you are not use that. I am 30 years old now, and I wished I would have listened to my parents when they worn me before I got married. I was in loved, I did not listen. When parents warn is not because they want to impose you their believes, they do it because they love you and they want to protect you. You'll be a parent some day and you will understand them then. I also agree with Rosie and Sherry about that some people may decide to do all what they can to change those patterns brought from the past. I'm a true believer in that everybody deserves a chance, but those changes must be done before marriage, not after. And it's even better when someone coming from a dysfunctional family decides to get therapy, not because he or she are getting married but because their desire is to become a better person. Be wise, that's going to help you always in every situation of your life. Learn to hear from people, even the Torah talks about listening to many counselors, and also how our own heart can be deceiving some times. He deserves a chance, you need to see his true colors, but not through a cold questionaire but through time and getting to know him. Try to become his friend first and see what is he made with, then make your choice with love AND wisdom. And never forget: try not to become an statistic like many of us had. If we send you a comment is not for being nosy, it's because we don't want you go through the same pain we had to go through. Good luck!


(16) Anonymous 11/20/2007 6:00:00 PM
Reductionistic thinking
Dear Friend,
Both your parents and the distinguished professionals who responded are reductionistic in their thinking. While there is certainly a correlation between growing in a dysfunctional family and making a dysfunctional family, the relationship is by no means solid.

For instance, even child-abuse victims, while more likely to repeat patterns, are by no means bound by them. In fact, the evidence points to an increased "risk" of such things, but clearly demonstrates that many escape those consequences even without psychological intervention.

Yes, find out more about him...if he's got a temper, consider an exit strategy. Talk with your Rabbi [or his] about your concerns. But don't, G*d forbid, send a good man walking because of the garden her was nurtured in.
Baruch


(17) Tammy Ashley 11/20/2007 4:07:00 PM
Re: Turbulent childhood
No offense to the parents but they sound over protective and a little bit on the snobby side. Should people be judged because they had a rough childhood? This is the woman's decision and hers alone. Do you feel you can handle some of the emotional baggage this person may carry? Can you still love him in spite of that? Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. If all of us based our decisions on weather to date and later marry because of someones past then I think most of us would never date or get married. Life is full of chances. Sometimes we take a chance and it doesn't work out, other times it works out beautifully, but we will never know unless we try. Do you have any misgivings about this person or a check in your spirit about them? If you do then be a little bit more cautious, but if not take a chance. We would never get anywhere if we were always afraid to take a gamble on things. How boring life would be if all we chose were the safe practical answers to everything. You only live once and this person may be the best decision you have ever made. Are you willing to take a chance and throw a little caution to the wind or stay in a safe little cave like environment where stagnation rules?


(18) Rachel 11/20/2007 12:42:00 PM
Dejavu!!!
I was reading what my ex became, from watching his father's behavior. His mom was shocked and said, "He swore he would never do this!" But a soon as he became a father, the abuse started. Physical abuse to me (twice, then I got it to stop) and my children. Then an affair - he relived his father's mistakes. My kids were young & I did not tell them and hope they do not repeat it. Haro-eh sotah b'kilkukah, ya'azor atzmo min hayayin. If you see a Sotah, refrain from drinking wine. From seeing to doing is very close. Marry someone else, it's too big a gamble.


(19) laura 11/20/2007 12:40:00 PM
don't judge a book by it's cover!
I came from a very traumatic childhood - and I married a man who came from a stable home. The differences were great - but not the way you would think! I went through many years of therapy prior to meeting my husband, with the goal of not repeating the sadness of my youth. My husband never saw any reason for therapy, because he came from a "normal: family. Apparently, his family had issues stirring beneath the surface, and all feelings were repressed - so much so that my husband's intimacy issues finally (I dragged him to 3 marriage counselors in my effort to save our marriage) killed our relationship. Who would have guessed at the outcome? Who would have bet on me?


(20) Anonymous 11/20/2007 9:36:00 AM
from the male perspective
everyone human being, at some point, must take ownership of his choices and life, despite, or in spite of his dysfunctional upbringing.


(21) Andras Bereny 11/20/2007 9:36:00 AM
Overvaluing One's Role
This "therapists recommending therapists" view seems to me exaggerated. The simple fact is that in life one just doesn't know what will happen and how - Hashem does and we are told that everything is for the best, good AND bad. I agree that there are statistics that show behavior patterns tend to reproduce themselves, but it also is true that lots of "troubled" kids make fantastic partners and "smooth" kids do divorce. My heart is bleeding for this young woman told to be suspicious of her sweetheart just because he had lousy parents.


(22) ruthhousman@mac.com 11/20/2007 9:24:00 AM
finding one's soul mate
I am a psychotherapist. I can say that for sure, when we experience deep tragedies and difficult childhoods there is a residue. What remains can move us in a very positive direction and it can also move us into negativity and into a spiral that includes emulating those people who raised us. Now I do believe that life, for us all, is a "mine" field, and that perhaps we are put through the fire, all of us, and this gives us opportunities to learn, to be more sensitive towards each other, and also much to ponder. I have never met anyone with a "perfect" childhood. I am taking a course right now with Sophie Freud (Sigmund's Grandaughter) that is entirely a discussion of memoir titled, It Was Hard Growing Up. Yes, some childhoods seem more difficult than others, but we are all of us being put through the fire of life and it is through the obstacles and difficulties that we are indubitably shaped. The most sensitive people I know had very tragic, traumatic childhoods. The world badly needs this sensitivity! I think it is wise to "know one's mate", to plumb that soul connection but I also feel it is intrusive to go about this in a cold way, as listing can be, what one needs to know. Life evolves and in that evolution there is surely love. In the end, it's about two people and one's parents cannot be part of that ultimate equation though they will always, through love, have a lot to say. Sometimes they need to be shut out in order to find one's own way.


(23) Anonymous 11/20/2007 8:03:00 AM
What about her parents?
I understand her parents' concern, but I think they are wrong to go so far as to refuse to support her. SHe is an adult and has to make her own decisions. Also, they want to have a relationship with her even if she goes against their wishes, don't they? And even if they turn out to be right?


(24) Pepe 11/19/2007 8:21:00 PM
The Police,Police Women.
What is important is not always the past.But what really matters is what decisions he(one) makes.


(25) Anonymous 11/19/2007 11:35:00 AM
Just watch where you are going
I am approaching my one year anniversary, married to a wonderful man who I am proud to call my husband. His parents got divorced when he was a teenager after a bitter marriage, and he could have ended up an angry, bitter adult from the experience. I too am the daughter of parents who have a troubled marriage, and therefore had a dysfunctional childhood. However, My husband and I have decided that we will not allow our pasts to determine who we are and who we can become. Just because children come from dysfunctional families does not mean they will grow up to be dysfunctional adults. It is all a matter of choice.
I agree with Shira completely that "our path is our path." And we are the one who chooses our path. Choose wisely.


(26) Anonymous 11/19/2007 8:51:00 AM
Beware!!
I am not one to say that anyone coming out of a dysfunctional home cannot be a spouce. I came from a slightly dysfunctional home and really came out normal. But I was definately affected. I was affected in that I had lost my boundries and didn't realize that I wasn't meant to suffer. My ex-husband came from a much more disfuctional home and continued to treat me the way he was treated. Miraculously, nine years later, I am lucky enough to call him my "ex". But it was an enormously long haul to reach this great occasion. My ex refused to go for help, because he saw no need for help. The fact is that anyone, and there are no exceptions, that went through what the young man you are seeing did, needs serious professional help. Or you will suffer.
(Let me tell you a secret, being close to a Rabbi means nothing. I can tell you story upon story of abusive men who were close to their rabbis- and promptly dumped them as soon as their guidance was to their dislike.)
Should it be that he was properly dealt with - that means serious psycological help - you can decide if you want to continue. But if not - I beg of you - stay away!!! The shelters are overloaded with abused women - you don't want to be one of them!


(27) Michael 11/19/2007 4:19:00 AM
This article reminds me
of the numerous widespread prejudices within the Jewish community.

And you lot complain about the "assimilation problem"?

Just as many matches made in heaven (both Jewish and non Jewish) equally succeed and fail.

Save all us single Jewish people from the yentas in our midst.


(28) Shira 11/19/2007 3:18:00 AM
Take a look
Boy, did this one hit home! Ok... I am the one who came from a disfunctional home. I married a man from a wonderful family. I adored his father and mother, and they had a long term marriage that seemed healthy. That was important in my choice of a spouse. I wanted a healthy father and husband to create a family with. I married an abuser. After safe houses, after social workers, after court appointed counseling for myself and children.... Let me say there are no guarantees. Our path is our path. I am now married to the most wonderful man ever created. He also came from a marriage simillar to mine. My message is to those who find themselves in these terrible situations. Believe in yourself. You are OK. You are OK.


(29) Anonymous 11/18/2007 2:34:00 PM
One's Childhood should not be a stumbling
block for them to be able to marry one day. My ex husband came from an emtional abusive home, and I knew little of this during our courtship. But I married him, and Yes my ex husband copied his father's ways at times. I had trouble dealing with this, but I hoped eventhough he told me that he knew his parents had an unhealthy marriage, he would not act like them, and he tried real hard not to. But he started to act like his dad when he dealt with stresses of life. We tried to work on this, but because he blamed me for all our problems and never admitted that he was acting like his dad, counselors could not help us. We divorced, and I don't Blame my ex for who he is but his father. And there is not a day that goes by that I don't wish my ex would have overcome his upbringing, because basicaly he is a very good caring person, a innocent victim of his parents bad marriage. Am I sorry I was once married to him, no because I have a wonderful son, Baruch Hashem that came out of our marriage. But I wish my ex could have dealt better with his upbringing. And I do worry that because I am divorced that my son will be tainted that he came from a divorced home, and not be able to marry when his Bashert comes along some day years from now? Is it fair for my son to suffer for his parents divorce? My son is a good person, and should he have lived in a home of conflict to copy when he marrys? I think not? So I pray his parents divorce does not hamper his chances to ever marry IY"H.
We have to be open minded, do the right kind of research, but life is a gamble and there are no guarantees on marriage success from even so called great backgrounds!


(30) Mary 11/18/2007 2:13:00 PM
unsolicited advice
Most families are dysfunctional and most therapists are even more so. A very compassionate person can grown in an abusive family. My sister had a very successful marriage and children. I on the other hand chose not to have relationships after failing. Just as a lump of coal can turn into a diamond under pressure, the coal can also remain a lump of coal. Give it time. There is a book called Dealing with Difficult People by Brinkman and Kirschner. It puts people into quadrants. I think if a person moves into the yes category when under pressure they will be easier to live with than people who move into the other three quadrants. Do take him out and see him in different social situations. Sometimes a person keeps someone all to his/herself which means their weaknesses remain hidden until later.






(31) Anonymous 11/18/2007 11:52:00 AM
divorced home
I am engaged to be married, and my parents divorced when I was little. My chosson pursued the shidduch on the advice of his Rabbi in direct opposition to his parents. We are happy to be getting married, but we worry about the relationship I'm going to have with my in-laws. They are very cold to me and seem embarrassed that their son is "settling". Their treatment of me is wrong, and gedolei b'yisrael have said so. It's nice to have warm fuzzy memories of your parents' marriage to emulate, but I believe that the pain I suffered from the divorce will motivate me in my marriage because I fully understand the awful consequences of a failed marriage, and therefore, failure is not an option! Sure, questions need to be asked, and issues need to be resolved (my parents had the foresight to send me to therapy just after the divorce, but to treat people from difficult family backgrounds as inferior marriage potentials is degrading, probably in violation of several negative commandments. Lastly, baruch hashem there is a big baal tshuva movement these days. Jews returning to their roots from secular backgrounds are more likely to have been affected by the rampant divorce found in the secular world. Are these wonderful Jews not worthy of finding suitable spouses? Must they be punished for the failings of their parents? And finally, would Hashem want us to treat any Jew in such a degrading, humiliating manner?


(32) Anonymous 11/18/2007 9:55:00 AM
get out of the house!
You are 20... you have plenty of time! Live a little. Your parents are probably wonderful people and have your best interests in mind but it wouldn't hurt if you were more independent of them.
Living on your own gives you a perspective on what you want. Being alone is a valuable lesson in finding yourself.
This goes doubly true for your beau. He's older than 20 and still living with family? He needs to see if he can take care of himself before he can take care of a wife and family.
It wouldn't hurt if you spent some time with your own thoughts and decisions. Who knows, perhaps you may eventually agree with your parents? Or you may not.... but being in the house with them as an adult is probably clouding your judgement.
It may seem trite and inconsequential but the little things like shopping just for yourself, entertaining friends, and coming and going without answering to someone else are teaching you about you, what you want, what you need, and what you can give to someone else.
This lesson will help you make decisions and judgements about your future spouse and also counter any arguments your family may have about that person.


(33) Devorah Gold 11/18/2007 6:24:00 AM
Background problems
My husband had abuse problems which mirrored his home background, but were hidden from me before marriage. He used to refuse to do anything but scream in counselling. The result was that one of our children married out, one wasted years in a gay relationship and one tried to suicide. It took years of personal and family counselling to get the whole family to begin from zero again, a very hard job and many years to reconcile with him and love him again. We needed and found counselling and closure. To my horror I found so many other families undergoing the same counselling. My children are all badly hurt, and although good parents themselves now they still have nightmares, but put in extra effort and have rules of the house to ensure that there are no arguments in front of children, and that peace in the home is their major concern. I worry that so many families have abusive situations, but hide it. Abusive comments, silence, and absences can all constitute abuse. I agree with Rosie and Sherry's conclusions about how the young man has got on with his own life.



(34) Anonymous 11/18/2007 4:55:00 AM
We got a gem
My son-in-law came from an abusive home, and we knew about it beforehand. Only because of the positive steps taken by my son-in-law to overcome and grow from our past did we consider the shidduch (albeit not without extreme trepidation). Fast forward almost a decade later... my daughter remains happily married to this very gentle man who works very hard at being a loving, attentive father, determined not to make the mistakes he suffered as a child. My husband became the father he never had. He was socially awkward in the beginning but he is a person constantly working on himself and striving to grow, and he has overcome huge challenges from his past. He is a very gentle soul with both my daugher and their many children.
I am guessing his incredible strides are an exception rather than the rule, however. I think the advice given by Rosie and Sherry is excellent. Proceed with extreme caution - but know that it IS possible to overcome a difficult past and be a wonderful husband and father.