The view that men and women are the same, distinguished only by upbringing, reduces marriage to biological functionality. But marital bonding is much more than anatomy. It encompasses dimensions of emotion, habits of mind, and vibrations of spirit. The Talmud makes clear that the union of men and women yields much more than babies. "A person who is unmarried has no real wisdom, no joy, no boundaries. He isn't called Man."

In short, the goal of marriage is the completion of self through the identification with another to become one new unit.

Procreation is the symbol - not the limit - of the human creative possibilities unleashed through the fusion of marriage. Marriage permits discovery of the full range of our emotions and sensitivities, and no theory can endure which ignores the fundamental need to complete ourselves through the union of marriage.

VIVA LA DIFFERENCE

Men and women are often frustrated and surprised by each other's wants and needs. Women complain of men's coldness; men grumble about the intensity of women's emotional needs.

Through marriage we recover those aspects of self whose realization has been thwarted.

Of course this doesn't mean that there is no overlap of identity between men and women. It is not, for example, that men are incapable of gentleness or sensitivity. On the contrary, men long for marriage to recover the gentleness and sensitivity of which they are capable.

Exploration of unfamiliar ground is one of the very opportunities marriage offers, opening new ways of seeing, feeling, and behaving. Through marriage we recover those aspects of self which we may recognize, but whose realization has been thwarted.

BETWEEN MAN AND GOD

To appreciate the profound depth that marriage offers, let's look at Rashi, the 12th century biblical commentator:

"It is not good for Man to be alone, for it would then be said that like God in the heavens Man is alone on the earth."

Rashi suggests the ultimate benefit from the experience of incompletion is that it teaches man he isn't God. Incompletion forces us to look beyond ourselves for fulfillment. In connecting with another person, we move beyond "I" to become "we." This first step of transcendence of the ego opens the possibility to ever-greater spheres of identification.

Man is drawn first to the loveliness of an individual, but then seeks higher identification.

This idea is reminiscent of the process described in Plato's Symposium, by which man is drawn first to the loveliness of an individual, but then forever seeks higher and deeper identification. As Man and Woman long to merge to form one greater whole, intimacy becomes in fact an expression of the deeper desire for ultimate unity: to connect with God.

This understanding of Man's search to complete his identity is the basis for the many Jewish parables comparing the Man/God relationship to that between Man and Woman. For example, the covenant between God and Israel at Mount Sinai is described as a "wedding," with the tablets of the Ten Commandments as the ketubah (marriage contract).

This theme is developed further in King Solomon's "Song of Songs." Ostensibly a love song between a man and a woman ("For I am to my beloved, and my beloved is mine" - Song of Songs 6:3), it refers symbolically to the longing for oneness with God. That's why the Talmud calls it the "Holy of Holies," the most sacred biblical text.

While intimacy is a powerful tool for connection between husband and wife, one mustn't miss out on the deeper dimension. The experiences of loss, discovery, alienation, longing, and fulfillment all help us understand as well the love of Man and God.