Making a Match

Every match that is made spawns eternal results -- for the singles who are now complete, for their descendants, and for the community. The Talmud says that since creation, God has been spending His time making matches. What a great opportunity for us to get involved and help!

#34 of 72 in the Aish.com Dating Wisdom Series
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VISITORS COMMENTS: 22

(22) Anonymous, 13/4/2005
This article should be required reading!
Thansk, Tzivy, for such a thoughtful article. As one of the many bright, thoughtful, kind, gentle, pretty, accomplished, single Jewish women out there, I wish more people would be more sensitive to how I long to meet my bashert. I've done it all - worked with a dating coach for 18 months, contracted a match-maker who didn't help at all and,who, in fact, took money unscrupulously, joined online dating services and have survived many a go-nowhere blind dates. I am tired of living life on the sidelines. I am thrilled for friends and siblings who were able to find their basherts and have gone on to create beautiful families etc., but I long for the same mazel for myself. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. The website of 'saw you again at Sinai' isn't that clear or informative (e.g., you can't find out information about pricing etc. from the site itself). I appreciate your efforts to keep this big problem in the Jewish community in peoples' thoughts --- sometimes a subtle reminder can help unite some lonely but terrific people!

(21) dd, 27/1/2005
that should be done !!
i truly believe that is correct!! if people would just stop and pass on names that one might interested in, every one gives a little hand, more marriages would happen, I am single. and i am hoping that someone would remember me in same manner described in this great article. We, single people, need to so our part, but it helps if more eyes are looking out and seeking for us. I believe God does work in this matter.

(20) Anonymous, 16/1/2005

not every single wants to be mated!!!

(19) Daphna, 30/12/2004
thanks!
Your article should be required reading for all smug marrieds! In all seriousness, it gets so depressing--not only am I single and stuck with lousy blind dates, but it feels like I am all alone--the most help anyone will give me is an empty blessing or their favorite worn-out mantra (you have to stay positive, you have to get out there etc). The people who actually get off their tuchis and HELP are rare...and very much appreciated. Just knowing that someone actually cares enough to do something makes me feel better. Thanks for spreading the word--maybe the fact that it isn't coming from a "desperate" single will make folks pay attention!

(18) brian, 18/12/2004
supply and demand
I am a masters student in economics. i can tell you why singles are single. it boils down to supply and demand.The dating market is a market like the stock market with desires and whims of the buyers. Your personality,looks, money(for men), and genetic fitness all qualify as assets.the way you act and look display how much of these assets you have.

These assets have real value in the arena of marriage. when a man meets any woman he assigns a value to her. Much the same way a equities analyst will rate a stock. Singles can be correctly valued, undervalued or overvalued. A single guy who cannot find a woman is that way is becuase he is after women who are way overvalued and thinks he is some kind of loser. a single woman in her late thirties is devalued becuase her reproductive years are behind her.

(17) Anonymous, 17/12/2004
Helping those who don't help themselves
I have a male friend who is in his mid-late thirties, living at home with his parents in an area which has no scope for meeting new young Jewish people. This friend displays no desire for getting married... but in my opinion leads a very lonely life, going to work, coming home to his parents. Although he doesn't show it, I just feel that he's wasting his life, and I really, really want to do something to help him. Am I being out of line? Could it be that some people really are happy and satisfied being single their whole lives?? It might be OK for him now, when thank G-d he has his parents for company, but what about years down the line?? I just can't comprehend that this person can be content with their current situation - surely they must want more? Is it out of line for me to push him to go to singles events etc... or should I just mind my own business and simply stand by and watch this person waste his life?? Is he wasting his life?

(16) Rephael, 7/12/2004
Yasher Koach
BS"D

Tirbena Kemotech Beisrael!
Maybe you could add one more point to your excellent guide. People who want to be seriously and positively proactive might, if they really wish so, request references (rabbis, family, friends, etc.), but should absolutely refrain from making blind investigations on singles: I mean, no blind calls to their boss, coworkers, neighbours, JCC or anybody else. And if somebody decides to do it anyway, he should refrain from suggesting deficiencies and faults "just to hear how they react": it might create rumours, chain reactions and serious damage to the single's life, either at work, in the neighborhood or at his synagogue. I have seen so much of this that it is probably one of the worst parts of all this mess.

Great advice, anyway. May you be heard.

(15) Elana, 15/11/2004
Excellent Points
I appreciate seeing this article -- it is a subject my husband and I have become concerned with after many conversations with our single friends. I think the best point is to avoid setting up people for no good reason. The main frustration I hear from my friends is the one mentioned - that they are tired of dating too many people and therefore end up avoiding dates with people who may actually be potential spouses. Get to know your single friends and acquaintances on a real basis - spend time with them and ask them questions that go beyond the superficial.

(14) James Pollock, 12/11/2004
very thought provoking
the dating scene discussions seem to concentrate only on the generation starting out and wanting a family. How about those of us who are divorced in our 40's and 50's? It is even more difficult for our group. Any suggestions other than those in the above article??

(13) Anonymous, 9/11/2004
Think carefully about the future
When I do talk to my single friends about what they are looking for (and I have tried to match a few people - only one success so far, but still trying) I always tell them my story.

Firstly, I didn't get married until I was 31 - ancient, as far as the frum community is concerned - and had to survive depression and overeating before I was ready to meet anyone. I lost about 90 pounds, and was ready. My husband would not have been ready to meet me before then, either, as he had been through a painful divorce. That takes time to settle. Twelve years later and we have a very very strong marriage - we've been through a lot together.

Everything in its time!

The other thing I point out to them, is that I had wittled down all my requirements - I had only two left. I did not want to marry a chassid, and I wanted someone musical. I thought singing at the shabbos table of paramount importance.

I married a tone deaf chassid. What can I say?

(12) Anonymous, 9/11/2004
thank you so much
on behalf of all of the singles, thank you so much for this article. i grew up as the "jewish girl" in a 98% fundamentalist christian community. not only did i not date jewish men, but i did not ever meet them. the idea of marrying someone jewish was always real, but foreign and seemed years away. now i am living in los angeles, around many jews, but still struggling to find quality men. it's exciting to see that i am finally in a place where i will be meeting more jewish men. but it is not easy, and we need as much help as possible. i strongly believe that it will happen--- and it is so inspiring to see there are people filled with love and compassion, and doing everything they can to help. i know that i too will do everything i can to set up other people. so thank you, thank you thank you!!!

(11) Anonymous, 9/11/2004
"WHAT A GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR US TO GET INVOLVED AND HELP!"
FOR FRIENDS AND FAMILIES OF SINGLES...A WorkShop. Aish Hatorah presents-"Learn the psychology of single adults as you guide someone through dating".
Location: Merkaz HaSimcha 1898 Bay Ave. between E18 and Ave.M, Brooklyn NY.
Date: November 14th, 2004
Time: 11:30am - 4:00pm (workshop)
Price: $15 Prepaid /$25 at the Door.
Call (212) 921-9090/ Can also see the rest of other single events in different cities/countries on www.frumster.com,click on "Events" (left hand side of the web sites screen and spread the news in your communities). As we Learn in Pirke Avot (Ethics of Fathers) that One Miztvah Follows/"Creates" another Mitzvah. The Great Sages had taught us that each mitzvah that we do creates another brick to go into the building of the 3rd Temple. Marriage is a great and special mitzvah, that goes into the buiding of the 3rd Temple! Thus I will tie this with the last words of the author of the above article "What a great opportunity for us to get involved and help!"
May we all be Zoche (merited)in buiding of the 3rd Temple with this special Mitzvah and merit to see once again the Glory of G-D speedily in our days, Amen!

(10) Dov Kramer, 9/11/2004

Great job Tzivy! Your points hit the nail right on the head, so Y'yasher Kochaich on putting them out there.

I will add but one thing; the "culture" divide between those that are not yet married and those B"H already married and trying to help those who are not.

It is not uncommon for some to forget the mindset of those not yet married, and then not understand why their "ideas" are received as well as they hoped. If we think there is a possible match, we shouldn't force-feed why they should want to go out, but work with the criteria they have set. Even if we "know" that the reservations are "silly," it is not to them, and it is not helpful to insist that it is.

Perhaps we can explain why the positives might be so overwhelming that the it may overshadow the perceived negatives.

By the same token, there are some singles that dismiss suggestions for reasons that really do seem to be inconsequential. Even if they are not (and to them they aren't), they cannot be a reason to stay home and just wait for Mr. or Mrs. Right to knock on their door. If there are several options, it makes sense to first go out with those that seem more "appealing." However, if the choice is between staying at home all week or going out with someone that a friend thinks might work, try it. Even if it turns out that he or she is not appropriate, by going out you:

Learn more about yourself through the interaction with another thinking, believing human being;

Network yourself, possibly bringing to mind a friend for a future date (for either of you);

Encourage the matchmaking friend to keep trying, after seeing that you accept their suggestions rather than easily dismissing them;

And perhaps lift the spirits of the date that was thinking that there was no one out there appropriate enough to even go out with them. This encouragement may lead to that person saying "yes" to their next suggestion, which might be the right one.

One final point; There is a mindset I have noticed that a date is compared to a potential date- that maybe the next one, who was described in glowing terms by the shadchan, is a better choice. This greatly hinders the chances of the current prospect working out. Instead, it is important that full attention is paid to the prospect at hand, and any decisions- whether to continue or to not continue- based on the strengths of that person. That there is another possibility waiting in the wings should play no part in deciding whether this might be the right person to be a Torah-based home and family with.

Once again, you wrote a wonderful piece; hopefully it will help numerous pairs of souls finf each other.

dmk

(9) Laya, 9/11/2004
Some more advice
My husband and I have a few matches under our belts, B"H. Here's a bit more advice:

Be cautious about what you reveal up front between people you are introducing. Don't make it too personal right away. If it doesn't work there's no reason for people to know too much.

We do need to be cautious about watching the way we talk about people. The wrong comment can destroy something that would have been potentially wonderful.

It's always good to get references on people you are introducing. Just because you think someone is great by association, you need to ASK more about them.

PULSE DATING is a drag ("he's got a pulse, she's got a pulse--let's introduce them"). Do not introduce people just because they are both single, it's painful to the single.

It's not necessary for people to be alike. Personality compliments are a good thing too (e.g.one is more shy, one is more outgoing). Values, on the other hand, do need to be matched carefully.

Trust your instincts. Pay attention to what your guts tell you about the potential match.

Pray for guidance. We are the helpers, not the creators for getting these matches together.

Blessings for us all, Laya

(8) aslovin, 8/11/2004
You are an inspiration........
Thank you Mr. Reiter,
For far too long, too many people have often responded to my request for help with a particular "shiduch idea" 'Oh I'm not a shadchan....I don't have a clue as to how to go about suggesting someone'....Now you have given them the tools to do just that.

If more people would be pro-active as you suggest, there just may be some happy endings very, very soon.
Kol Hakavod for some very practical and helpful advice. This "How-To Guide"
for Shadchanim-in-training is much needed and timely. The word "Shadchan" can also be frightening, so just let's call it a major overdue 'CHESED PROJECT!

(7) Anonymous, 8/11/2004
Thank You
"Put some thought into your match ideas....
Be respectful of the decisions that singles make...
Do not push them into dating someone that they do not want to...
Don't make the single status of your friends the focus of all your conversations with them...."

THANK YOU for saying this publicly. I'm so sick of folks who meet me and imediately have a girl that's perfect for me. How can they now this after five minutes? And why do they give me the third degree if the first conversation with them is "What is your name? What is your occupation? Are you married? Why not?" And to the matchmakers out there who presure folks to keep dating a bad match...well..do you really want a broken engagement on your consciense when someone finally comes to their senses? If you want to control other people and run their lives, go yell at your kids or get a computer and buy a copy of The Sims.

(6) Anonymous, 7/11/2004
Older singles
This is a great article. Is it not also a mitzvah to match older singles/widows/divorcees? Even though one is too old to bear children, finding one's "next" bashaert is very important!

(5) Anonymous, 7/11/2004

This is a great article, another piece of advice for all those singles, if you go out with someone and it doesn't work out try to set them up
It's really so important for everyone to look out for everyone- hopefully this article will help some people get married

(4) Anonymous, 7/11/2004
The Problem is the values our society espouses, not lack of cooperation on behalf of singles...
I have matched many (150) couples professionally. People routinely reject each other due to men not making enough money, women not being pretty enough, not being young enough, having children from another marriage, not being "sexy" enough. We (media and society) have brainwashed the last two generations of singles with vacuous, secular inconsequential values, like Shmuley Boteach states in his book, and Lisa Aiken states in hers. Just being aware to fix up your single friends is like hitting a battleship with a dinghy, the problem is much more serious than well-meaning friends can correct.

Lisa Dresdner

(3) Anonymous, 7/11/2004
This is excellent
This is the first time I have seen advice on setting people up that is repsectful of singles. Its hard enough to be single but when people lecture you and harass you its just mean. Thank you for your article. I hope it sets people straight.

(2) Sidra Shapiro, 7/11/2004

I wish everybody in my community would read this. Where I live (name withheld to protect the innocent!) singles are basically invisible.

(1) Anonymous, 7/11/2004
Some encouragement to would be matchmakers
Some encouragement to would be matchmakers

My daughter was introduced to her Husband by a Rebbi in a local Yeshiva. When they got engaged he shared a secret, with my daughter�s engagement he broke a 20 year drought! Being a Rebbi in a yeshiva he has attempted to match many people over the years And Thank G-D he never stopped trying.

Just an extra incentive where it is needed. To encourage people in �setting up� girls over 22 the Vaak Hakashrus of Baltimore is setting up a program where they will pay Shadchanim if they succeed in getting local (i.e. girls from Baltimore) girls married.

For details go to their web site:
http://www.star-k.org/cons-new-bignews.htm