Despite the emphasis in any relationship on giving pleasure, sometimes it is necessary to give a little pain. "Any love not mixed with a measure of correction isn't love," says the Talmud. No one is perfect, and part of our commitment to other people involves helping them correct their mistakes and grow.

Generally, the first principle of criticism is... "don't." Most issues aren't worth correcting someone about. People get into tizzies about unfolded newspapers, toilet seats left up, unreplaced toothpaste caps and other trivia.

Let it slide.

The only person who will ever do everything exactly the way you like it, is you. Given that reality, there are three ways to address your significant other's mishandling of petty details:

1. Find some innocuous way to get them to change
2. Forget about it, or
3. Get divorced/break up

Criticism should be reserved for life goal issues, like: "I don't like the way our children are growing up," or "I don't like the way you talk to my parents." On issues of this sort, correction is an intrinsic part of the commitment of love.

WHO CARES?

When I moved to Los Angeles, I met a fellow who told me his nephew was a drug-addicted prostitute.

"How sad," I said, "Have you made any effort to help him?"

"I told him if he ever wanted to talk, he could call me," he muttered.

"And do you believe that fulfilled your responsibility?!" I asked.

It's not "love" to let others continue their destructive patterns without comment. The attitude that "Hey, who am I to tell you how to live," is often a mask for simple indifference.

The wrong way to give correction is in anger. For example, if you're angry at your children, first calm down, then discipline them. If you lash out in anger, it has little to do with helping them grow - and a lot to do with releasing your own frustration. For correction to genuinely be for someone else's good (and not disguised aggression), it has to be delivered with calm deliberation and compassion.

The only person who does things the way you want -- is you.

The Talmud says: "Let your right hand pull close, as your left hand pushes away." The right hand is the stronger hand and in Jewish tradition the right hand represents love and mercy. The stronger message has to be: "I love you. I'm on your side and I believe in you." The secondary message is: "There are ways in which I feel you need to grow."

ON THE RECEIVING END

Just as it is important to offer encouragement and correction when appropriate, it is also important to accept correction with gratitude. If you want to grow, you should accept correction with the same eagerness that you'd seek advice on investments or ways to make your business more efficient. In business, we pay people to critique the way we operate, eager for lists of things to change and improve in the hopes of greater profit.

Correction is an intrinsic part of love.

The hope of personal profit -- being happier, wiser, and more effective at the important tasks of living -- should drive us just as far to improve.

This week, ask two close people to tell you five ways you could improve. (Ask for five points because they'll typically start easy -- and only the last one will cut to the heart of the matter.)

And don't be afraid. It's kind of like getting a shot at the doctor's office. It may hurt for a few minutes, but the effect may be life-saving and life-transforming.

Rabbi Nachum Braverman is the Educational Director of Aish Los Angeles, and the co-author of "The Death of Cupid: Reclaiming the Wisdom of Love, Dating, Romance and Marriage"(nbraverman@aish.com)