Ask the Rabbi/Psychologist: My Father’s Affair

I think the issue here is not the mother. It is the son and the father who have to have a talk. Having an affair is passing a major boundary in the marriage. It is important for the child to get a clear picture of how he should conduct himself when he is in a marriage. Protecting mom or confronting dad , is not the real issue here, though he should. The parameters of a marriage and what to do when they are crossed is the issue. I think this person shoulld be seeing a professional as what he found out is quite traumatic and can have a lasting impact on his views of the relationship between husbanc and wife. Once he confronts his father , his job is over, buthe needs to give his father an honest answer about what he intends to do if he denys the affair. His main job is that he has to make sure he stays safe and secure in his own beliefs regarding relationships in general and marriage in particular.

Of course if the situation was reversed, then the child would have the same responsibility to speak to that someone who is the wrongdoer. There is no doubt about it no matter the gender! All the health, financial and other issues could then be discussed between the two spouses not involving the child. The issue here is the child's dilemma not solving the parents' problems!

NO. Just mind your own business. The matter is your between your parents only.

there is no such thing as a matter being only between the parents, because once there are kids involved its everyones buisness. first hand i can tell you that kids are nots tupid and telling them to just stay out of it is bad for their development into adulthood, bad for their futeure and bad for their health. if the father is cheating on his wife, then the marriage is most likely over so the child should confront the ather so that the secret is out in the open. the mother deserves more then to be in a lie of a marriage!

If things are so bad with the marriage that the child describes it as "rocky" why should either the mother or father remain in a bad marriage? If it is for the "sake of the children" that is what Dr. Phil and other experts call "giving a child a job" and wrong. This child feels it is their job to fix thier parents marriage. This is unfair to the child and to the parents and to the girlfriend as well. How do we know if the father and mother would both be better off with a Get instead of a miserable married life. Then each would be able to find joy and love and peace andthe possibility of a good marriage with someone else. The child needs to live their own life and stop trying to fix the parents marriage. Women that ignore and overlook affairs to stay in a bad marriage are only robbing themselves of love they could be having with a partner who would truly love and respect them. Men who stay in a bad marriage and continue to have affairs are not being honest with anyone, most of all themselves. Who knows what he has promised the other woman? She is most likely the only "victim" here. Everyone else needs to get honest.

You should speak with your father about it first and try to be as open-minded as you can. Meet in a neutral place. I am a pilegesh of a married man and we have a child together. He has paid a certain price for being honest with his wife and children about it. But he would never dream of doing anything but the honest thing. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.

Dr. Tobin, Thank you for raising.this important matter. So much to consider from many perspectives that go beyond the immediate question. My recommendation would be to speak to his father directly about what he found and urge the father to speak with the mother and that they all seek counsel of a rabbi and highly trained professionals. In this way, at least the child does not bear guilt for becoming a facilitator of the affair of the father, and comfort in the knowledge that constructive steps may follow. With support and guidance, the child can then be helped to deal with whatever may follow.

Depending upon how long the father's affair has been going on, the mother is, more than likely, aware of it. She may have asked herself "Am I better off ..." If one of my students came to me with the dilemma my advice might have been to discuss it with dad and then LET IT GO. Again, the age of the letter writer will have a lot to do with the appropriate response.

Since the hubby could pass HIV or other health problem onto his wife, she must be told! I would advise the son to speak to his father, and tell the father that if he does not tell the truth to his mom (dad's wife), then that the son will. And the son must follow thru, and as soon as possible! Until she is told, both men (now together participating in this secrete), are potentially risking her physical health / maybe life. To protect a life, one must speak up, (and I believe permitted, maybe obligated, to break nearly all other commandments if necessary, to do so.) It should be her right to make an informed choice as to what to do. She can not make an informed choice without knowledge of all the facts. She clearly already knows there's a problem, just maybe not what the problem is. The marriage would be unlikely to ever have a chance anyway, if a huge secret like this one, is kept secret. If for some unlikely reason, her possibly committing suicide, is likely, and she can not be told, then the son should still do something else, to see that she is protected.

So what else is new? The 2 advisors--Rabbi Haber & Dr. Tobin--have, as expected, hauled out the usual attack vocabulary ("secretive"...duplicitive"..."devious") to condemn the awful adulterous husband. Just like in previous articles on cheating husbands. Odd, isn't it, that although countles studies have shown that the prevalence of adultry among married women is roughly equal to that of men, we don't see Aish articles on wives' adultery. Indeed, in our society in general, adultery by women is frequently given a free ride. It is presented as a justifiable reaction of the poor unfufilled wife to an inept and/or uncaring husband. Recent, highly authoritative studies in diverse countries (U.S., Britain, Sweden, etc.) have shown--independently--that at least 10% of all children are not the biological offspring of their "official" fathers! Therefore, I'm sure many Aish readers would be quite interested in seeing Aish article dealing with the issue of a cheating wife. Oh pardon me--wrong word. Men cheat. Women have affairs, a word which has a much sweeter ring to it.

The article has a title "My Father's Affair". Truthfully, affairs sound a bit business like, however in this usage an affair is always duplicitive business, whether it's a male or female imho. I am thankful for this article. I recall the angst and feeling of not knowing how to handle my loyalties and being honorable when I was in a similar situation as a teenager. It was a very challenging and difficult time to go through and a time I revisit sometimes, wondering if I did the right thing by not telling the injured party. Canuck, do you consider it possible it is the child of the parents that may also be feeling cheated? The point of view to consider, concerning this question, is what the child who bears this awful secret has to be going through. Children most often want to be loyal to, honor and love both of their parents. This is something that can totally blow up in the child's face simply because they knew. Believe me, the damage can last a lifetime in some cases. How to deal with something like this deserves careful consideration and Jewish ethics definitely can help. I thank both of the rebbes here for there careful answers.

Although it is not for a child to take charge of its parent’s behavior, the child is still part of their life in blood, flesh and spirit. Something guided him to that direction and now he is even more involved. If he doesn’t react now, it will be a heavy load on his mind for the rest of his life. So in order to appease his conscience, he has to take a a reasonable step. He should confront his father in a relaxing place, without criticizing or insulting him, just ask what his intentions are concerning his marriage since apparently he has other interests than being with his wife, and to be honest with her by telling her what his needs are and where It’s all going. Now the child has delegated his responsibility to his father and is no longer involved but he has open the doors of communication. After all, honesty is the best policy!

My parents told me they married each other.. The children were born from that love, but that we are separate people who must and will find their way in life, though as parents they would help us as much as they could, children are separate from parents." We, as your parents, have our own relationship with each other that DOES not INCLUDE you or your brother. What happens between your father and me is OUR business, NOT yours. ." We were not allowed to say: "...but Dad lets me"... or "Mom always lets me," or "Do you know what Dad/Mom said about YOU?" , etc. There was no tattling on parents to each other or on brother/sister. As a result, there was and has been respect for boundaries, responsibilities and love with understanding that we all had different levels of involvement and responsibility to each other and to our family. If a secret was shared or discovered, the responsibility for consequences of divulging the secret rested with the teller..not the family. That responsibility included all the "fallout" for discussing things. These were hard lessons, If I was told something "in confidence" I knew that my responsibility was to decide if it was my business to discuss it with anyone within the family. All of us have to learn how to evaluate the inter-relationships we have within a family unit. We must know boundaries, respect and understanding But we must learn and respect to know what is OUR business in each relationship with each parent, PARENTS as a team, and with siblings.. It is not easy sometimes, but boundaries are important, and tattling is a form of disrespect in a relationship. (This is written within the boundaries for not breaking civil laws. We each decide what is our business and what is not our business.) thank you.

It doesn't matter if the wife or the husband is having the affair. If this is a Jewish marriage, with a ketuba, the husband does not have the right to go elsewhere for sex or love. He stood under the chuppa and kiddushin was performed. Either try to fix the problem or get out of the marriage. The damage that is done to children who are subjected to their parents' stupidity cannot always be fixed by therapy. This is such a disgrace to Jewish marriage. People are so selfish and couldn't care less if they destroy their marriages and families today.

I had this happen to me, but with the family computer. I was making dinner and my daughter was doing homework, had left to get a book, and her father had com e in and signed in and forgotten to sign out. She did not notice, but went to retrieve a file and found his numerous emails. AS I was right there, and she was so shocked, I can tell you that I was angry not only that he would live such a secret life that was eroding the family, but even more angry that he would leave the evidence where it could, and did, involve the children. So if you do end up telling your mother, and I agree with the rabbi it would be better from either your dad or to find out in counseling, understand she may become angry and it may look like it is at you, but may really be that you were not protected from this ugliness.

When the son does enough digging to determine that the father is "having an affair" he is not onoy pushing the issue and forcing it into the open, he is also forcing himself to grow up completely in one moment. First, let's look at the phrase "having an affair." This is a term devised by the perpetrators who also use words like "lover." The betraying acts and the entire use of a special terminology is done to make it easier to accept. In this case, let us pause for a moment and realize that even though the father has purposely stepped over the line and knowingly violated the Torah and his marital relationship, we must understand that there was enough pressure and strin and stress to have propelled him into the situation. Maybe the mother was caught having"an affair" and this is the father's misplaced revenge, or maybe the father is just being evil? Either way, we must come to a decision for the son, since he asked. In my opinion, the son should tell his father privately that in order for the son not to expose the situation, he is givning his father a week to be the one himself (the father) to reveal the "affair" to his wife along with a suggestion to seek therapy for their marriage. Then, it is out of the son's hands. The son must insist that the father provide proof that he has openly confessed to his wife, at some point during that week. Of course, the father will probably tell his "lover" first..."My son found out about us! I don't know what to do..." But meanwhile the son will feel somewhat relieved because the infection bubble has popped and the a good deal of pain has been expunged. The son can then go on with his life and must not interfere by asking, "How's it going with the therapy?" No, just stay out of this for now and it is out of your hands.

I think these are wise comments, and as a therapist I found it interesting to find out the response to this question. We use the word affair too, to say, it's my affair, and perhaps there is a clue here. I think there are obvious problems to begin with in this marriage as presaged by the word "rocky". To rock the boat by exposing what is happening, might not be, the best thing, and it could be, to have a private conversation is a really good idea. Often, as was pointed out, the Mother, "knows", and it might be her choice to remain silent or maybe she is trying hard to deal with what is going on. There are a host of possibilities here. There is always, or most always hurt, when families disrupt. To augment the hurt is not a good idea. To do whatever one can do personally to hold every point of view in mind, is hard, but a good exercise, because in life, everything is not, as it seems, and we all come to an experience with a very personal perspective which does include feeling, and yes, feeling runs deep. There are many iterations of love. To feel loved, perhaps, by both parents, just might be the "ticket".

The advice is given by two men re: a man who is cheating. I wonder if they would give the same advice if it were their wives who were cheating. I, as a woman, would want to know if my husband were cheating.

dear doctor/rabbi. unwillingly,you make the son /daughter act like a ...apotential blackmailer.let him/her be the one who will open the eyes of this poor lady.i hope she isnt such a dumb lady that wasnt aware until now of her husband infidilities. time for her to kick him for good and take him to the cleaners.remember princess d famous expression about three were too many!!!

It's not for a child to tell his/her father to do the honourable thing and tell his wife he's having an affair. It's not a child's place to educate a parent. Moreover revealing an affair in a rocky marriage is a recipe for divorce. A rocky marriage requires counseling, maybe it's been done, maybe they decided to stay together for the sake of the children, but the man is free to seek love elsewhere. You don't know anything about the dynamics of the relationship, so don't advise a child to mix in and make things worse.

It seems that not enough focus has been placed here on the big picure. The father, unfortunately and sadly, is doing something very wrong. (And to Rifka - he is not "free to seek love elsewhere"!) He is in a marriage, the most sacred and committed of all relationships. As a husband, he is supposed to be a best friend, a lover, a support system, a teacher and role model to his children. By having an illicit affair, he is not fulfilling any of these functions. He is operating on deceipt and lies and undermining all that marriage embodies. I am not saying the problems in the marriage are his fault, both people contribute and it has taken years for the marriage to deteriorate, but that is irrelevant. He is still married. He has a duty to his wife and children to at least try to do the right thing - and having an affair is never the right thing and will cause harm to his family, (as it is sadly already doing to this child (regardless of what age)). Perhaps by confronting the father, it will give the father an opportunity to really think about the bonds and meaning of his marriage and to try to rekindle what was once so special to him (and may still be deep down). May your family be blessed with rekindled joy and peace.

Thank you for putting this article out. Unfortunately this happens in our communities more than we realize. This is an advice column. Advice is derived from ones opinions/suggestions. I am sorry you don't agree with the advice; these two professionals did provide their advice which is what was asked of them. That does not mean their advice must be taken.

BH First of all hang in there. We are told that whenever we see something it has something to do with us? So first of all try to relate to what you saw on the iphone. We are not in people's shoes so it is very hard to judge their actions eventhough they appear very dark from our side of the woods. Give him the benefit of the doubt. We are not here to judge our parents. One lesson that it clearly to be learnt is how it feels pn the side of the child, whatever our age, and remember it when you will be faced with temptation, as we are all, and think twice about it. What I would suggest is to talk to your father about an imaginary friend who is suffering very much because he found out his grandfather was having an affair and he was very worried for his grandmother, or a friend whose mother is having an affair, and ask him if he has any idea what you should tell your friend. you might want to talk about it with both your parents at dinner time and see how they react. It will give you an idea of a) whether your father is really having an affair, and b) how your mother sees the whole thing. Doing so, you have not exposed anybody clearly, just brought up the issue of your friends suffering , and they might just take a different look at their relationship. Sometimes rocky martiages end up being stronger than good marriages because when we work on them we make them very strong. It takes time work and emunah but sometimes it takes a tiny wake up call to make things right. When I got engaged many years ago, we were invited to the house of total strangers, and both the husband and wife were present. The husband said to us he had been cheating on his wife, but when he saw that it was destroying hishome it was not fun anymore.and he decided to make it right. She gave him a chance and he never cheated on her again for the past 35 years. So it can be done! It was a hard thing to listen to but it showed us that when there is a will to make thinks right, it can be done!

Cut the father loose like a cancer. Tell the mother. Let her take the weak weasel to the cleaner's.

I personally feel that the worst truth is better than lies. Even though it might be painful for her or for the marriage, Hashem knows the powers that are embedded in this couple and they can handle it. That might be why He revealed the truth. Truth is a diamond! I, as a woman in a difficult marriage, vote for being told the truth; especially when a woman usually senses when something is off track. And it is much more helpful to know truth than to assume that maybe she is crazy for suspecting. The only warning I would give is to have concrete evidence before placing it on the table. I would not tell the mother behind the father's back either, because that again is a secret and betrayal against the father. I think that for the sake of the child AND the marriage it should be a revelation with delicacy.

NO! No! No! Don'te tell the mother. She probably alrewady knows, or strongly suspects. If she wants the truth, she will seek it out on her own. I would divorce the rat, but people stay in marriages for a variety of reasons. Confront dad, sure, but try to avid discussing it with the mother.

Since you found out about the situation through the iPhone, it is G-d that has entrusted you with this information. He did not let your mother discover it, otherwise it could mean the end of their marriage. You should let your father know that you know. It could be that this illicit relationship is still at the beginning, and your intervention can make your father think twice about continuing. The quicker it can be stopped the better. Don't tell your mother anything at the moment. Supposing your father repents and changes, your mother does not need to know about this. It could be a secret between you and your father. You can help him and advise him to change. If G-d wanted your mother to know He would have revealed this to her. G-d chose you as a shaliach to help your dad. The other point everyone missed is: PRAYER. G-d listens to your cries on behalf of your parents. Why not put the matter into G-d's hands and ask Him to intervene. G-d has a great record of setting matters straight when we human beings mess things up. Read Psalm 20 daily and connect on a daily basis to Aish's Wallcam and say a prayer for the next 40 days on behalf of your parent's marriage. Give a tsedakka and connect to G-d. Surely he will listen to your prayers and grant a salvation in this issue. When our wisdom and actions fall short, G-d is able to bring hellp from a place where you don't expect. Any problems whether financial, or shalom beis etc.. is all a symptom of lack of prayer. G-d sometimes gives us wakeup calls and difficulties so that we will connect to Him. IN this sense Kind David says: "in You I have put my confidence" and "when I fear I will trust in You". Believing in G-d means that the rules are fair ........ but there will be wonderful surprises. As for me I hereby pray for you and implore the Almightyl Blessed be He, to have mercy on your parents, and grant them shalom beis, and that this probelm will be fixed for good. Amen, Ken Yehi Ratzon

Ken, I agree with you about prayer... Connection to G-d via prayer has transformed and empowered my life since I the day my eyes were ope to understand its significance and wisdom. I dispensed much of my previous comments 3 days ago on resolving inner and outer conflict, along with my own personal experiences. There are many variables as to what any one person will do, receive in terms of counsel or wisdom from another, and their personal worldview and beliefs associated with that worldview. Whether the son or a peer/Rabbi, etc. can effectively reach this man is up to the man himself. Such is the same with G-d in this instance, and the state of this man's heart to receive any Divine influence. Time will tell. That aside, I truly believe that prayers offered with a righteous intent are answered by G-d, and will be answered favorably in some fashion. It goes without saying that adultery is not a righteous expression of this man's life or covenant with his wife. However, we are called to righteousness, and to set such an example. G-d is central to all that we are and do, and that is why prayer is essential as well.

Tell your Father and pray and leave the rest to Him.You can do it...

Great advice. Im a little embarrassed i didn't think to give the praying advice. I hear there is a last call event for prayer on hoshana rabah. Get those prayers in & hopefully the mazal for the year for you & your family will all be for the good. I wish you hatzlacha!

My father and mother, when engaged in an affair, brought about my conception, and the loss of my father's previous marriage. He continued to his lifestyle after he hurriedly married my mother, while still 5 months pregnant with me. One thing is clear-adultery is destructive, Hashem has made it clear in scripture. Second, as in my case, despite being told that I was loved and initially "planned" as a young boy, an atmosphere of rejection and contempt towards me remained most of my father's life, and right to the ending month of my mother. My parents were both emotionally distant with me, and I suffered for decades, until getting the help of both professionals and finding hope in scripture for my life. My siblings saw and responded to it in kind, and have been distant with me to this day. I dedicated my life to serving Hashem from the heart, my siblings have floundered in drugs, alcohol and ruined marriages also. As a child, an unspoken edict imposed guilt upon me over their divorce and the preceding vehemence in their arguing almost nightly. As an integral part of family, this is not unusual. I was 11 years old at the time. A well-meaning great-aunt also told me to become the "man in the family" when this all took place.I was required to grow up prematurely, for which there was no reward or satisfaction.. When I confronted my father's behavior of excessive drinking at age 8, I was rebuked and shamed for saying a word. I suspect that in the case of this writer, a similar outcome is possible. Having a "safe place" in addressing such a volatile matter is crucial, both physically and emotionally for him. Who are the father's peers? These are the men this man MIGHT listen to. If so, it's worth seeking them out to see if a collective influence from a peer level will prevail on the father to change his ways. If not, the son needs to remove himself to safety, and let the father know that he cannot abide with all the turmoil and harm. Wisdom and support is crucial.

Rabbi Haber, my parents constantly fight with eachother and although I don't think my father is having an affair I have told them many times in my life to please go to a marriage councelor or a rabbi and they never listened.

I realized as an adult, as much as my parents' fighting made me miserable, they were happy and content with their relationship. It clicked when I was visiting, and my parents were at it, with most of the fighting my dad was verbally abusing and denigrating my mom, and my mother was the one to insist to me, "We have a right to our 'discussions.'" Face it - most people don't want change.

I understand the hesitation to tell the mother. It's normal not to want to tell her and see her upset. If you were to ask your father would he tell you about how many women he see's other than your mother. Does your mother know about it already? Do they try and hide it from you? My dad used to brag about it, so it was easy for me to decide and I told my mom. In your case I'd ask dad about it. You can then remind him of the chance he is taking with your mothers health if he got aids or something else. Then you can decide depending on his answer.

Everyone seems to be ignoring the fact that the father's behavior may be endangering his wife, if they are still having a marital relationship. To the extent that this young person has a responsibility, getting mom the information she needs to make her own decisions - and which she has a total right to - this is it. This young man has absolutely NO responsibility to his parents' marriage, regardless of who is at fault for the start of the downward spiral, nor who is behaving worse. Expecting a child to help correct their marital problems is beyond unfair and unreasonable. Even expecting him to "force" or push his parents into dealing with it, is unfair. And it is totally unrealistic. If you really think that a man who is at the point that he's cheating on his wife and being so careless about it, is going to start trying to work on his marriage because his son asked him to, I really wonder how you come to be answering these questions.

The last comment here is blatantly unfair to Rabbi Haber. While I might not agree with the Rabbi's position, at least his position is well thought and logical. The 'observer' needs to learn how to criticize without making demeaning personal comments.

While Rabbi Haber's position may be logical, it is not well thought our since it does leave the reality of the situation out of the equation. Yes, a man SHOULD react to his child's pointing out that it's clear that his marital problems are affecting the child, by trying to work on those problems. But, expecting that to actually happen is just not realistic. And, although this advice is not intended to do so, the reality is that it places the burden on "fixing" the FATHER'S misbehavior on the child.