Ask the Rabbi/Psychologist: The Enabler

Question

I'm ashamed of enabling the verbal abuse against my daughters by my husband. For many years I’ve been feeling the guilt and do not know how to proceed. My husband and one daughter do not speak or have a relationship. I am stuck in the middle of this horrible situation and heartbroken beyond words. The distorted relationship also affects my other daughter and her family. Is there a solution beyond divorcing my spouse?

Dr. Michael Tobin

Dr. Michael Tobin's Answer

In order for me to properly answer your question, I would need to understand what you mean when you say that you feel terribly ashamed and guilty for enabling your husband's verbal abuse of your daughters. Clearly your strong language of remorse indicates that you feel a great degree of responsibility for not doing enough to stop it. Assuming that's true, do you know what prevents you from taking firmer action? Are you afraid of your husband? Has he also been abusive to you as well? Has he ever laid a hand on you or your daughters, and if so, did you take action to protect your children and yourself?

The fact that you opened your question by pointing an accusatory finger at yourself tells me that you need professional help in dealing with your guilt and shame over your lack of firm action. It's impossible to assess from your question to what extent you are indeed being an enabler by taking excessive ownership over the problems within your family and thus indirectly "enabling" your husband to avoid taking responsibility for his abuse. Enablers by nature tend to take far too much responsibility for abusive and/or alcoholic spouses and are constantly blaming themselves rather than confronting the abuser.

Since your question is short on explanatory information, I am taking on face value your use of the word abuse. It's a word that too often gets bantered around without any clear definition of what it means. So for the sake of clarity, I think it's important that we define what abuse is and what it isn't and what an abuser is and isn't. (I am certain that many readers may take issue with my definitions and I eagerly await your reactions.)

Abuse is any behavior which belittles, shames, ridicules or threatens another.

I would define abuse as any behavior, be it verbal, non-verbal or physical, in which the abuser belittles, shames, ridicules, or threatens another. Through verbal and/or physical force the abuser discounts another's feelings, thoughts, and opinions. In other words, the abuser tries to intimidate another with aggression and power so as to maintain control over the other person.

Like all bullies, an abuser is a weak and emotionally improvised individual who is threatened by his wife's or children's independence. The irony is that if you were to ask an abusive father if he loved his children, he would answer emphatically, "Yes!" which is why he feels he needs to "invest" so much in order to properly guide and educate them. The abuser doesn't recognize the individuality and separateness of the other, but sees the other as an object to manipulate and control.

So if this more or less defines your husband, then the best thing your children can do is to keep their distance. And the best thing that you can do before considering divorce is to get help on how to be more assertive with him. If he is a physically abusive man and you are at risk of being in harm's way, then you need professional advice on how to protect yourself. I would advise anyone who is at risk of being the victim of physical abuse to immediately contact the police and get a restraining order placed on the abuser. I am hoping that the situation with your husband does not demand that level of intervention.

Another important distinction is understanding the difference between an abuser and someone who can act abusively. An abuser by definition is someone who has a powerful need to control another and does this through a number of threatening and manipulative behaviors. Someone who can act abusively but is not intrinsically an abuser may suffer from an inability to control his anger but is not driven by a need to control another. He or she has poor self-management skills and may easily become overwhelmed by frustrations and anxiety. It's said that rage is the last act of the incompetent. In other words, anger and rage fill the void left by the absence of creative problem solving skills and the ability to identify and express deeper feelings and emotions.

The question of divorce to a great extent hinges on being able to make a proper determination about whether your husband is an abuser or a man who has a great deal of difficulty communicating his frustrations, resentments, and emotional pain.

Another point that we need to look at is how you as a family have dealt with your husband's abuse. It seems that the way of coping with him is to disengage. In fact, the question that you're asking is whether the ultimate disengagement, divorce, is the only solution for you. Is your husband that powerful and/or defensive that neither you nor your daughters are able to communicate your difficulties with him? Is he that unaware that he is unable to see any causal relationship between his behavior and his daughters' reactions? Is his only emotional stance to blame and criticize others? Is there no part of him that feels alone and scared about losing his family? Would he absolutely refuse to enter therapy with you and begin to deal with these issues?

In order to decide to divorce, it's imperative that you deal with these questions and know in your heart that you've done everything to save your marriage and to protect your children. Again I want to reiterate that to make the proper decision you will need professional help in order to understand whether you have a role in perpetuating the problem and whether divorce is the only "solution."

Good luck,

Dr.Tobin

Rabbi Yaacov Haber

Rabbi Yaacov Haber's Answer

The fact that you are ashamed and feel guilt means that you feel you are at fault for the difficult relationship that your children have with your spouse. Maybe you feel that you should have stopped the abuse earlier on. You feel that by tolerating abuse, you have enabled it. And now, you feel that you have brought upon your family a "horrible situation."

Let’s be very clear. You are not the abuser; your spouse is. Perhaps, had you have been less tolerant you may have helped the situation – and ‘enabling’ certainly isn’t a wonderful thing. But life isn’t so simple and it is possible that other paths may have made it worse. What happened happened and there is no use crying about it. I don’t believe that there is a proven formula, i.e. say this, do that, don’t say this and the abuse will stop. Who knows?

What is past is past. What about the future? I want to suggest five steps.

Step 1: Understand that you are not the abuser; your spouse is. You didn’t cause your spouse to be abusive and you probably can’t stop it.

Step 2: Understand that there is no justification for abuse. Abuse is wrong. There is nothing that you or your family could have done that could ever justify or deserve abusive behavior. Period.

Step 3: Make sure your decision is healthy. You wrote that divorce is not a good solution for you – that is your choice. Divorce is a very personal and a very big decision with very wide ramifications. It should not be an easy decision. However, please ask yourself, why is divorce not a solution? Is it because you feel that divorce will make your life even more difficult than it is already; or is it because you feel that you are a hostage to the abuse (and the abuser) and that you don’t really have the freedom to make a decision to divorce?

You are not a hostage to your spouse. You can make any decision you want.

Please know that you are free. You are not a hostage to your spouse. You can make any decision you want. I’m not encouraging divorce; I’m just letting you know that YOU can decide what to do, not the abuser.

Step 4: There is help for the abuser; but that help is probably not going to come from you. Get your spouse to a professional now. You must be brave and you must be consistent and firm. It is time to confront your spouse, perhaps together with your adult children, and make it abundantly clear that you care about your spouse and you want what’s best but your spouse must get help – now. When speaking to your spouse remember not to lose yourself in anger. Keep your tone of voice down; show respect in the words you choose. Attack the problem, not your partner.

Step 5: Pray that God gives you the courage you need to confront your husband and blesses you with the right words to say. Pray that God will open your spouse’s heart and that your spouse will be moved to get help by your very firm yet sincere demand. Pray for recovery and peacefulness. Abusers can change. Relationships can improve. Brokenness can be healed. God can do anything.

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Published: July 29, 2012

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Visitor Comments: 29

(21) Chana, August 5, 2012 3:02 AM

Co-Dependents Anonymous and Al-Anon

I was married to a terribly verbally abusive man for over 12 years. Going to 12-step meetings, I learned how to detach from him. When I did, I no longer enabled him and he himself wanted to divorce me. I had to divorce to experience "Shalom Bayit". What a relief!

(20) Anonymous, August 5, 2012 12:34 AM

Rabbi Haber had a good understanding about how complicated these situations can be and offered solutions without over simplifying.

(19) rayla, August 3, 2012 6:26 PM

totally agree!!

Wow these men have broken it down so well and so clearly! Keep it up!!

(18) Tzvi, August 3, 2012 2:29 PM

I have only one (and serious) problem with the answers

A make a living from divorces. I’ve seen many and I can say with no doubts that most of them could and should be avoided! Including “abusive husband/wife”. I feel that the few (very few) drastic cases pushed the media (always looking for “spins”) to deal too much and too intensively (including us in the orthodox world) with this subject. I believe it was taken out of proportion. I’ve heard and seen enough! Every time someone (husband/wife) says some “too harsh the next step is “see? You are abusive”. A wife calling a husband a looser for not making a decent salary can be abuse but also frustrated, in despair or just in need of a better education. It doesn’t make her “abusive”. We are throwing the baby with the water here. I am not saying that it is kosher to be abusive – it is not, it is bad but we need less “populist intervention” and more faith on TSHUVA. Less secular psychology and more Jewish Psychology or more of the good and old Jewish Approach. If we don’t find the balance now we will keep the divorce rate climbing!

(17) David, August 2, 2012 7:36 AM

To Rifka

To answer to question: I am not a Catholic but a Torah observant Jew. When somebody gets married they have connected with their soul mate for life-through thick and thin, in good times and bad. I am sorrry that you feel that I am speaking nonsense but speaking from personal experience I can testify that divorce has brought tragedy upon my family and all my children. I am disturbed that you say 'I'm not surprised your wife wanted out'. Perhaps you need to connect to Hashem in a more postive way and improve your Emunah

(16) Anonymous, August 1, 2012 5:15 PM

I totally disagree with the answers given to the woman in an abusive situation

From reading the responses to the woman's concerns, I get the understanding that they both believe she and her husband are in "conflict" and need to "resolve" the conflict. Their thinking is wrong. There is no conflict in abuse. Abuse is abuse! There is nothing she must "resolve". But she can and should work on being "aware" of the reasons for abuse and the reasons she remains with the abuser. It is unrealistic for both professionals to have advised her here to "get her husband to a professional now." That is impossible, and what certainty will she have that the professional he goes to will have any more understanding of verbal abuse then she does? I have been in a verbally abusive relationship for more than 40 years. What helped me were the books written by Patricia Evans. THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP: how to recognize it and how to respond. VERBAL ABUSE SURVIVORS SPEAK OUT on relationship and recovery. THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE MAN: CAN HE CHANGE? a woman's guide to deciding whether to stay or go. CONTROLLING PEOPLE: how to recognize, understand, and deal with people who try to control you. TEEN TORMENT: overcoming verbal abuse at home and at school. May I quote from one of her books? In the late nineteenth century, the philosopher Nietzsche proposed that the primary force driving humanity was the will to power. I (Patricia Evans) would propose that the first force, the primary force, is not the will to power but is instead the CREATIVE FORCE which unfolds events and time, as well as life. It is only when one is disconnected from this creative force, adrift, unanchored, that one seeks to gain power over another......We thrive when we experience our Personal Power as the Creative Force....Life from the Power Over perspective, on the other hand, is suppression and exploitation.....Why do abused women stay? Their spirits have been shattered by their abusers, resulting in paralysis of their spirits. Even a battered mouse plays dead.

Rabbi Yaacov Haber, August 6, 2012 12:40 AM

It's not at all impossible!

We have been through this tens of times. Difficult but not impossible or even unreasonable.

(15) Grad Student, August 1, 2012 4:58 PM

Survivor of Abuse

I have been verbally and emotionally abused from my father since I was a little girl. When I finally got away from home and went to college, I did not speak to my father - for 6 months. After that, I decided to call him. We spoke. What I learnt was that you cannot change a person, but you can change yourself. I still keep a distance from my dad, even when he's in my neighborhood for business purposes and asks me to spend lunch with him. I keep a distance, especially when he acts all nice to me, making me feel bad if I don't make time to see him. As for the wives who have to deal with this situation, don't be afraid to speak up. My mom didn't, making me the one to speak up and reprimand my father for his disoriented behavior and the chaos he was causing in the house, which look bad to both sides. I still do not have the best relationship with my mom because she hardly speaks, never mind for her kids, but for herself. You guys must speak up, or it will just present yourself weak and weak towards your children. While many say divorce is the only option, see a trustworthy Rabbi or a therapist first or act advice from a confidential person/friend who a experienced a similar situation.

(14) Delirious, August 1, 2012 1:30 PM

Cain Slew Enabel

Abuse is sometimes blinding. Often, one is not fully aware they are being abused due to their longing desire to people-please. I for one just woke up from a stupor now realizing abuse can only be denied for so long, regardless of inbred coping mechanisms used to deny the events. My husband RELIES on me to keep the peace, thereby I'm an enabler. Is this Ok? What does the Torah say?

(13) Anonymous, August 1, 2012 12:20 PM

Sometimes it's a growing experience

I was married to an emotionally abusive husband for a little over a year and no matter how hard we tried and how many therapists we went to, it got worse and worse. When it got physical, I left him and I thank my Rebbetzin and very close friends and family who were so supportive. Thank G-d I'm remarried now for 3 years and my husband and I are both very happy. I look at my experience that I had as a growing experience. If it didn't happen to me, I might not have appreciated my husband now as much. Sometimes it takes something difficult to happen to us in order to appreciate the good.

(12) Laurence, August 1, 2012 8:33 AM

1 form of abuse turned into another!!!

Calling the police is the ultimate form of abuse and takes all control of the situation out of the hands of the people involved. This women wants nothing to do with divorce, where as you psychologists need a psychologist- divorce should not be an option even brought up- the adversary has made society think it is ok, this is a lie, if the children are hurting now just wait tell there family is totally disfunctional from divorce. The ripple effects of divorce never end. And your answer of getting professional help only lines your own pockets, who has money to pay for this "help". People need to work on marriage and study Torah and serve God with all their everything so as the spiritual realm that is causal will cause things to improve. Your both fired in my book.

Michel, August 1, 2012 7:14 PM

You are WRONG

These two men are trying their best to help the situation and instead, you imply that they are actually taking advantage of the situation? Think a little before you post! As sad as it may be, sometimes couples DO divorce as is also acknowledged by Torah Law. "Serving G-D" as you so majestically wrote requires couples to live in a peaceful environment where both can be happy. It certainly isn't limit to study and prayer. Second, they are both hoping that things don't end in divorce (yes, the effect would be terrible), but in any case, they need help from specialists. They are trying to save the marriage, not ruin it! Moreover, most couples are NOT as spiritually sensitive or elevated that they can simply study Torah and correct everything through the spiritual realm. Instead, they seek help, much like most sick people (including Tzaddikim) seeks doctors and don't cure themselves studying the Talmud. Finally, these 2 men are posting the most sensate opinions based on a single paragraph given, so they can't (and don't) make judgements on this couple's life and present a series of alternatives. They DO have the best of the intentions. Frankly it is YOU who should study more Torah, preferably Pirke Avot, which specifically tells you NOT to judge others until you've been in their place.

Anonymous, August 1, 2012 10:20 PM

Uh oh...

you sound like you may be an abuser...or maybe a victim who identified with an abuser...

(11) Rifka, August 1, 2012 4:31 AM

Divorce is mentioned in the Torah

To David, You say; "divorce should never be an option". What kind of nonsense is this? Are you a Catholic or a Jew? The Torah says that in certain circumstances, a man is OBLIGATED to divorce. Maybe you're saying that a woman never has the option of divorce? If that's your view, I'm not surprised your wife wanted out (I'm not condoning her methods per se, but usually a woman calls the police when all else has failed). I agree that prior to taking the step to divorce, one must try everything to avoid a divorce, but sometimes divorce is unavoidable.

(10) Anonymous, August 1, 2012 4:17 AM

Divorce

Divorce shouldn't be taken lightly, but I was in a verbally abusive and spiritually abusive relationship with my exhusband and had 6 children an he never laid a hand on me, two of my children he was very hard on physically as well and I am sorry I separated for two years and divorced after that we were married for 9 years I was at pece with the decision. The man has become even more crazy and had we stayed my children would have been unstable. Sometimes divorce is the only option, but pray God will speak to you on this matter. To say divorce is never an option ? Really??? I don't think my heavenly father wanted is daughter (me) abused like that not my children verbal abuse is way more Damaging than physical anyday

(9) Ronda Wunsch, July 31, 2012 11:58 PM

Hate to disagree

I hate to disagree but sometimes leaving an abused leads a woman to being vulnerable to greater and/or more abuse. Going to the police and getting a restraining order has not helped the woman who were abused and killed by estranged and former spouses. It would be better advice to contact an abuse professional and develop a safety plan and/or call a hotline like the Shalom Task Force.

(8) Anonymous, July 31, 2012 11:29 PM

verbally abusive dad

i had a verbally abusive father and a loving but meek mother, so this sounds all too familiar. my father was the most polite and mild-mannered person in public - no one would believe what he was like in the privacy of his own home. i used to wish my mother would divorce him but she didn't work and probably thought she had nowhere to go. i also contemplated running away from home. be aware your kids might feel this way too. there's no easy solution unfortunately. when it's "only" verbal abuse people don't really take you seriously. now i'm grown up, married and slowly recovering. i keep my distance and refuse to be alone with my father ever again. made sure to marry a guy who is not prone to anger. i can't tell how similar your situation is, but if it gets really bad, i would secretly video tape the verbal abuse and divorce the guy. verbal abuse can be really damaging and have lasting effects on one's personality and confidence. i know from first-hand experience.

Anonymous, August 1, 2012 4:28 PM

Same boat

I was/am yet on the same boat. I am 21 for, and the verbal abuse still effect me. I still, try to keep a distance from my dad, especially whenever he starts acting nice to me. Thank Gd I moved out, but the verbal abuse, in general fragments one's self esteem.

Anonymous, August 2, 2012 12:42 AM

verbal abuse

how does one go about fixing the shattered self confidence post abuse? and what happens to the relationship with the verbally abusive parent.. what are some steps to be taken to fix it (them), while not living with them?

Anonymous, August 7, 2012 2:39 AM

Read books by Patricia Evans

Please see the comments written in No. 16. Read the books that the writer recommended. Abuse is abuse and it doesn't make a difference to the person being abused if the abuse comes from a parent or a spouse. The first step in rebuilding self confidence is to become aware. Good luck, and God bless!

(7) Anonymous, July 31, 2012 10:51 PM

very bad advice

If the woman is being physically abused she should call her State's Domestic Violence hotline. Not everybody is ready to leave the relationship and jsut leaving and taking an order of protection could get her killed. Since she did not mention physical abuse let's hope it is not the case.

(6) Anonymous, July 31, 2012 6:53 PM

Another related article: My Escape from Child Abuse

Here's an Aish link to yet another related article, from the child's perpsective: http://www.aish.com/ci/s/My_Escape_from_Child_Abuse.html

(5) Rachel, July 31, 2012 6:17 PM

Thank you. This list of recommendations will hopefully help my relationship

I find myself in a similar situation, however, it is much more difficult to get my husband to seek help because he a psychologist and is very picky about who he will get help from. I don't know what else to do? When he is good - he is an amazing person! However, once something triggers him, my husband becomes an unbearable angree ball of fire toward me, kids, or even his parents, even in public. HOW do I proceed? When trying to calm him down and interfering between him and his parents, makes it worse. Speaking softly when he is irrationally angree/almost physical/loud with kids, does not help either. When I calmly talk to him or confront him during his rage toward me to just try to talk it out or to speak calmly, he becomes physical at times. I don't know if it is safe for children anymore. My oldest who is 4, already gets firm with his dad telling him : "we don't speak to mommy like that ABA!" trying to get in between. I know we are not supposed to argue in children's presence, but that is when it starts most of the time... Sorry, it may all sound like a mumbling, but I dont' know what to do anymore. I don't want to call the police because our family is one of very few frum families in our neighborhood, I don't want to do hilul H'shem... Please suggest! Thanks

Hillel, August 1, 2012 6:36 PM

Protect yourself and your children

We must remember that life belongs to G-d, and it is for that reason that suicide is forbidden. A person is also not allowed to remain in a situation that is threatening to themselves. A mother must protect her children from harm whoever the source of that harm may be. So my advice is to be strong and be safe. Many widows have raised wonderful children, and so can a divorced woman. Separating for a while can be an impetus for your husband to choose to change. But, if he doesn't change, you must do the right thing. You would be wise to seek professional help guiding you along the way. Hatzlacha!

Elisheva, August 1, 2012 6:53 PM

CALL SHALOM TASK FORCE!

They have a team of professionals and can help you. Call them!!

(4) Anonymous, July 31, 2012 4:51 PM

Abusers can change.

With all due respect to Rabbi Haber, abusers rarely change. I was told this while suffering in an abusive marriage and although I nevertheless worked toward shalom bayit for years until I finally listened to the rabbis and psychologists who guided me to divorce, learnt this the hard way first hand. Of course, my husband is one person, but the professionals I went to and the books I read on the subject all firmly stated that the majority of abusers do not and will not change. It is only a small minority that manage to be helped and overcome the awful attitudes and behaviours which destroy so many lives including their own.

(3) sarina, July 31, 2012 4:34 PM

to david

Divorce is an option. Yes, you have to try and work things out first. But if the spouse is abusive, or refuses to seek help, or blames everything on you, you feel stuck. When you feel stuck in a situation, and you realize you are not able to change it or fix it, and you start feeling depressed and not in control... then its time to think about divorce

(2) Boca mom, July 31, 2012 4:28 PM

my own advice

Both sets of advice had some good points. I would liek to give you the perspective of someone in your shoes. I recently did divorce my husband after a very long marriage. He was so mean, and over time I lost the will to live except to raise my children. But his abuse towards me and the children grew worse over time, and he did not respect me. He went to therapists in the past when I made him leave and it got better for a while and I took him back and it got worse again. i recently apologized to one of my children who got the worst of it and asked if he forgave me for making the wrong decisions of staying with this man and of making him go for visitation even though the abuse would happen there, too. He without hesitation said yes, he forgave me. The general statementthat children need to have relationships with both their parents is such a rediculous platitude! It makes women like us stay in these bad situations and try to fix the relationship - we cannot! The best thing for my son, who has now not seen his father in over a month, is to have no contact withthe man. It took me many years to understand this. It's fine for your aughters to have distance or no contact if it causes them pain to be with him. You are not to blame for trying, we all try to save our marriages, save our families, it's to be commended that you tried. Now you need to realize that to truly save all of you, it's ok to remove yourselves from someone who causes you grief and makes life intolerable. may hashem bless all of you, and hopefully help your husband find peace, but you cannot do that yourself.

(1) david, July 31, 2012 1:43 PM

do not call the police-unless your life is in danger

calling the police means the end of the marriage -very bad advice-my wife wanted a divorce and I wanted shalom bayit so in order to evict me from the house she just kept calling the police-disaster for the children and for me.Work on what needs to be fixed-divorce should never be an option and go to a Rav for proper advice

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About the Author

Dr. Michael Tobin

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Dr. Michael Tobin has been a practicing psychologist for 38 years, and for the past 25 years he's been in private practice in Jerusalem. He specializes in marriage and family therapy and has been a professional trainer and supervisor since 1992. He has led numerous workshops for couples in Israel and the United States and developed an interactive series of family dramas that were performed throughout Israel . Dr. Tobin is the founder of the critically acclaimed website, www.wholefamily.com, which received finalist status in the family category of the internet academy awards. Dr. Tobin is the author of numerous articles on marriage and family and is the co-author of a book on marriage published in English, Hebrew, and German. Dr. Tobin is married to Dr. Deborah Risk Tobin and they have lived in Efrat with their family since they made aliyah in 1986.

Rabbi Yaacov Haber

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Rabbi Yaacov Haber is the Spiritual Leader of Kehillat Shivtei Yeshurun, a thriving young congregation of new Olim in Ramat Beit Shemesh, Israel; the founder and driving force behind TorahLab, and a founding partner of Mosaica Press. He is the author of numerous books in Hebrew and English including the best-selling “Sefiros; a program for spiritual refinement”; Rabbi Haber is a sought after international lecturer.

A leading force in Jewish Outreach for the past 30 years, Rabbi Haber is a founding trustee of AJOP, the Association of Jewish Outreach Professionals, the founder and director of the Torah Center of Buffalo where he served as a community rabbi. From Buffalo he and his family traveled to Melbourne, Australia where he founded a national outreach and adult education program. In 1995 he was sought out as National Director of Jewish Education for the Orthodox Union in the United States where he created the Internationally acclaimed and highly successful "Pardes Project." At that time he became the spiritual leader of Congregation Bais Torah in Monsey, NY.

Through TorahLab and Mosaica Press, Rabbi Haber is bringing together educational and media specialists to create dynamic learning experiences which will be accessible to adults of all backgrounds and levels.

Rabbi Haber and his family are presently living in Beit Shemesh.

Rabbi Haber’s material is available at www.torahlab.org and www.mosaicapress.com