Ask the Rabbi/Psychologist: Mother-In-Law from Hell

I can totally understand where this lady is coming from. My mother in law has caused many problems in my marriage. I have many of the same problems. My wife and mother skills were always criticized. When confronted it's I never said that. She didn't truly accept my children from a previous marriage ie. Obvious in equality amongst bday presents. She made a serious statement against one of my family membera which I have a hard time deciding whether it's true or not. My husband has sided w her and can't understand why I have any doubts. I really encourage u to seek counseling b4 it gets too late and out of hand.

well as the TORAH states she is also your mother and you should love her more than you love your own mother and then you will have both a loving husband and a loving mum

Hi there, I'd like some advise please! I have been married for almost nine years and to make a long story short it hasn't been a healthy marriage! We have two adorable children for this marriage and his parents are always intruding , putting their fie cents in everything we decide! Make things worse they are quite rude, on My sons baptism my father wasn't offered a beer from my parents in law which in turn got up and left! I confronted my father I law telling me that my father has the problem and he is no longer welcome there! I feel like everyone are big babies crating unnecessary problems! I am tired and now feel the need to keep away from my I laws as they don't want to consider reconciliation with my parents which I find it quite rude! Please some advice

I totally disagree. When you marry your spouse, you do not marry his family. I and a few of my friends do not get all intertwined with the daily lives of our husbands' folks. We allow the husbands to go and visit and to call. We as women do not make phone calls but tell our husbands to say hi to them. When they come to visit once a year, we put them up in a local hotel, as we do not have much space. It can be done with out all the the mingling. And I do not allow my in laws to keep my children overnight and they are not allowed to watch me give birth or breastfeed. I set up gentle and respectful boundaries to save myself from stress. i respect them at a distance.

Rabbi Haber's answer is correct in theory', however in practice it could only apply after years of working on ones self . For one to do as he advises before being on a high level of emuna would result in being resentful and would transgress "lo sisna achicha bilvovecha" (" you should not hate your brother in your heart ")

My parents just finished a two week visit. It was great mainly becuase my parents show respect for me and my wife. They would never dream of giving us one word of parentling advice unbidden and when I ask them they speak to me so as not to create an environment where my wife may feel them critical. If she asks they respond carefully understanding that my primary loyalty in life is now to my wife and child and they endeavor not to cause that relationship any strain. They are a big help and a model for how I will endeavor to teat my children and their spuses shoud I be so blessed. Your home is your castle. It is inappropriate for anyone to enter your home without your permission. If shes your husbands guest she can't come over unitl he is there. She has no right to drop in an visit your children. They are children and receive no visitor without you permission. Get a deadbold on the inside as another commentor recommended and tell her to go away. You should not have to negotiate the managment of your house or the rearing of your children with any third party. Period. Barring neglect or hazard anyone making unsolicited comments critical of your child rearing style should be removed from your home. Asked to leave. Children need to have respect for their parents and anyone underminig that respect is endangering them. There's no need for counseling here. It's very clear to me that you need to force your husband to choose marriage or a return to his childhood. Frankly he seems like someone who is used to being submissive to female authority. Excercise some and he will most likely fold.

I thought Man like you don't exist... Now I hear there are Two of you .your dad n u.and there will be more.. Your Children. Bless you !! Have a great Happy life fill with loads of love. Your wife is truly bless..

I would start with changing the locks on the door.

Come on girl! What are you thinking ? Why would you divorce your husband - that would be the most foolish thing to think of doing. You have invested a major part of yourself into this marriage with three children on board. Two can play the game - or did you never play any games in your childhood? Give your MIL a dose of her own medicine - I have taught plenty of young women in the course of a counseling career spanning 45 years - get with it. Find out what makes her jump through the hoops, make her jump! Do not react to all her plays, she is having fun with you. Go ahead have the fun of your life, and watch while the old lady runs every time you approach her with the honeyed word and the saccharine smile ! Go girl!

Get lemons, make lemonade? Before a war, consider this. The mother-in-law is bored and is having difficulty finding a purpose. During a family together my mother came into the kitchen where my mother-in-law was doing dishes and she said, you can leave, this is my kitchen and I'm taking care of everything. Somewhat offended, mom came to me and I said you want to make dinner and do all the dishes next time, you can say it's your kitchen. Mom smiled. Consider making MIL a helper. See if she can get meals together and help get her grandchildren off to school. Imagine taking a Wednesday afternoon for Yoga or a book club. Helping taking care of three children can be hard, and one is less likely to critque confronting the challenges herself.

Thank you for this article , I have been in a very similar situation for 20years and the advice helped. I feel for this lady because it is extremely difficult to be happy when healthy boundaries are not respected (including the key to the front door!) What is the best and healthy way to support my husband who is beginning to establish healthy boundaries with his mother ?

1. Change the locks & guard the new keys. 2. Decide how often each week you prefer to get together with your mother-in-law. 3.Go to the park / mall / anywhere out of the house with the kids, (often for a while), so that you are not always home; that may make her start calling first. 4. Instead of her coming over in the evening, let her know her son will be going her that night, after he has had dinner & relaxed & the kids are in bed. Maybe send all 3 kids over to her a couple of entire days each week. And let her care for them alone, often, for a month or so. This may cure her of some of her comments regarding your so called failings. Thus giving her some insight, and a refresher course on how exhausting full time care for young children is. And you get a break. 5. Find out stuff she's interested in, or was as a girl, and see if you can find some inexpensive adult school classes that are fun for her, and can occupy some of her time & give her an opportunity to make some friends. She may just feel incredibly lonely as a widow. 6. Then have THE conversation with your mother-in-law. Begin by telling her about the classes. Then ask her about her relationship (now & or in the past) that she had with her mother-in-law. Ask about how often they'd get together, & why she didn't invite or choose to see her 5x a day. Say, but why didn't she love and care about her enough to make that much time to devote to her? Note, You may also ask her if she wants her son's marriage to be happy or strained. Does she want her grandchildren to come from a broken home? And let her know that, while you care about her, and want her to be very much involved in the family, her constantly being in the middle of everything causes much stress in the marriage. 7 Also, I wonder, if your husband doesn't mind her bothering you so much, is it because he wants her to be keeping an eye on you? Is there a trust or control issue on his part playing into this? 8. Good luck.

that lady's husband is unable to "get it"bec his mother castrated him since childhood w her type of mothering/smothering. I am against divorce, but here is a case where it is valid. There is emotional incest here, the husband feels more loyalty to his mother than to his wife. This is not a man, this is some subtype of golem. he should not be married and making the world hell for that unfortunate woman who married him.DIVORCE IS A VERY SWEET WORD IN THIS CASE. IT MEANS GETTING A LIFE AND RECOVERING HER DIGNITY.

Why put the husband in the middle of this fight? Clearly it is between the mother-in-law and wife. Quit whining and take care of what needs taken care of. Get her out of your house. If the wife doesn't have backbone to stand up to a woman who invades her home, moving away won't change anything.There is always someone else in line to take advantage of someone who allows it. Making her husband choose between wife and mother is selfish and immature. Everytime the MIL comes in the door, the wife has indirectly given her permission to be there, especiaally after it is ongoing for several years. Tomorrow, when she walks in uninvited, ask her to please leave, and to give you her key. If she does not give it up, install a deadbolt on the inside of each door. It's your house. If your husband doesn't support you in this tell him to visit with his mother at her house after work and you'll see him at dinner. Be firm with both of them.

All things, good and bad, are from HaShem. Perhaps a tough test such as the MIL who speaks ill of her DIL deserves some simple intervention from hubby... if he fails to take corrective action, then this is a husband issue, the true reality afterall. Still and again, a test from HaShem! I agree with Rabbi Haber that one can choose to rise above the foray. Introspection means to be on the look-in, and not on the look-out.

I think the first thing I would do is change the locks. And with all due respect to Rabbi Haber, telling this mother to look into herself and see her insecurities just misses the point. I respect my Mother-in-law and she confides in me things no-one else knows about but I would never give her my front door key or allow her to dictate my children's upbringing or anything else.

I have a similar situation, not with the MIL (can't give too many details for the sake of anonymity). As difficult as it is, and has been for me, if it isn't going to change, then I just have to accept it and change my attitude. OK I have to psych myself a lot. Every time there is a difficulty, I tell myself that Hashem is giving me my olam haba by giving me difficulties in this world so as to absolve me of my sins. You can also change the way you look at your MIL: instead of seeing an overbearing Jewish mother, look at this pathetic, miserable woman who doesn't see you and your children for the beautiful souls that they are, but as subjects to rule over and boss around. Believe me I know it's hard. I've been through it with the MIL and I'm going through it now with someone else. It would be nice if you could be vindicated. But if you are not, for whatever reason, then this is the best you can do.

Have the locks changed IMMEDIATELY. And you can get the "master" key type of key which makes copying unlawful (added security for yourself). Husband doesn't like the idea? Don't tell him, just give him his key after the fact. Honestly, if he needs his mummy that much, in your shoes I would kicked him down the street a long time ago. And if she complains, tell her to go jump in the lake. Nobody deserves a mother in law like that.

Change your locks. That is first. Next, sit with your Husband and set limits for her. A family needs privacy, not someone in and out making critical comments. Mother in law should try to lift her up and make her feel good not tell lies and harm her. This marriage is in a critical state at needs help fast. The husband better wake up and stand up to his overbearing mother fast or he'll be out the door too!

The machatonister's worst sin among many in this situation is loshen hara. If the husband does not understand the low character and unalloyed lack of respect and consideration for his wife and himself that his mother exhibits when committing this sin, he is treating his wife with contempt. Never underestimate the harm loshen hara does.

I wonder how can you believe that woman made the key without the permission of her son! Try this for just one week, works like magic. ASK HER FOR HELP. Nothing too serious, which tomato is best for salad, or how to help a child order the room... and make her talk a lot about a jewish mother's favorite topic, her son. In a week she'll love you, and your husband will have less pressure "me or her" for it's obvious he will not "hurt his mom's feelings" by taking your sida. So make his mother take YOUR side. Try it. Just one week. It works.

I've had similar problems to what this woman is experiencing, not from the mother-in-law, but from my own Mom. I am not religious enough to follow the advice of the rabbi just because he is a rabbi. However, what he is saying makes sense. The only criticismsms that really hurt were the ones where I felt there may have been some truth to them. If my Mom said something like she hated some dress I was wearing, it would be annoying, but if I knew that I was perfectly happy with the dress, I could let it slide without emotionally affecting me. If however, she criticized somthing that I knew to be somewhat true (e.g. my kitchen isn't the cleanest), then it would really sting particularly because of the words that were chosen. So I realized that I need to fix those things in which my Mom had a point (no matter how offensively phrased), and then I could be a lot less emotional. Hope this helps.

Everytime your mother-in-law walks in without being invited, tell her how glad you are she's there because you need help with ...... cleaning the kitchen - put her to work, laundry - let her do it, etc. She may limit her visits of her own acord. Next change the locks and get the type that you cannot copy the key. You'll need a locksmith for that.

the mother's inlaw repeated visits are not bad in its sense of communal life. it is morally wrong for the mother inlaw to duplicate keys to the house door. she could be taken as a robber. in the same vein it is wrong for her telling lies against the daughter inlaw which expressly or impliedly mean she is as well telling lies against the son. who knows if the son is the only child or loves him most among others which makes her make repeated visits? the son should talk to the mother. if you must change the keys to the house, let your husband be aware. get his consent. if no is the answer, try and follow it up in prayer to God, who is the solution to every problem.

I beleive what the rabbi may have meant is that one cannot change others, the only way to change others is to change oneself and your attitude towards them.

Rabbi - you wrote: "Think to yourself: Why does it bother you so much what your mother-in-law thinks of you? " Her mother in law tells lies about her. Of course she is going to care what is being said about her. The lies become more believable when they are told by someone who SHOULD have the subject's interest at heart. A lie told repeatedly becomes believed. Anti-semetic propaganda is rift with lies and has become believed because it has been told over and over again. This woman's mother in law is a cancer and should be surgically eliminated from her life. She should first change the locks on the door, tell her mother in law to please call and ask if it is alright to come over - and then tell her no when it is not convenient. Her husband has no backbone. If he does not support her, he should give him an ultimatum - mom or me.

Yes the mother is off the charts. Yes she is out of bounds, off sides, etc. Nonetheless, this is the wife's test tp facilitate her growth. Rabbis are here to help us be in touch with our souls and our mission; to keeps on the road to our perfection.

This mother in law is radical, yet I have seen adult children act as bad or worse. My own daughter lived next door for some years after she was married, and I couldn't do a thing right by her. I gave my daughter a key in the event she had a real need, only to discover that nice bottle of wine missing and other food stuffs I had plans to use. This would have been so big a problem, be we lived 45 miles from the nearest grocery shopping. If I said anything: "I wasn't there for her" HUH? She would tell me how I should wear my hair, what was wrong with my make-up and make snide remarks about how I used an item in my decor. Funny thing is that many people commented on the lovely atmosphere of peacefulness in our home. When she had her children, I would drop everything for our grandchildren, they never wanted to leave the playfulness and laughter in our home, for this I am accused of playing my grandchildren against their mother (NOT SO)! When I wanted to see the grands, I was told to "Get a life", when I got a role in an independent film; I was told "HOW NICE you can do this at this time when I need you!" I wish someone would write an article about the children and their mates from hell. I can honestly say, I have never seen that. My daughter and daughter in law acted like THEY were the intrusive mothers! Once when my DIL was staying at our home, she complained that she could hear me using the mop in my kitchen at 10:30 AM. OY? My point? Mother IN Laws get ALL the bad raps!

Don't underestimate the challenges the husband faces, hearing weekly. "You won't believe how she treats me. I am as nice to here as possible, but she treats me like garbage. My friends can't believe how he lets his (wife/mother) treats his (wife/mother). He is scared to death of her. The problem is I am too nice, and let her intimidate me and her (son/husband). That said, the wife should change the locks, but try to work things out from there.

If she is there so often, give her specific chores to do. Get out of the house and get some personal time -- go to an exercise class; go to a women's shiur; or go hang out at her house by yourself. If she is going to be at your place anyway, she might as well make herself useful and you should get some quiet time. Suggest to your husband that, since she is a ubiquitous presence in the house, the two of you should take advantage of the opportunity to go out to dinner or take in shuirim together. The latter is a good way to have an uplifting shared experience.

As someone who has suffered from an intruding mother-in-law, and a husband who had a hard time "stuck in the middle" and having been to Rabbanim and therapy as a result, I have to say SHALOM BAYIS IS EVERYTHING, it comes before kibbud em, it is your home, your chinnuch/parenting, your thoughts your life!! Your husband needs to be on board with you, understanding the situation from your perspective, it sounds like you will need outside help from a rav or therapist who has delt well with similar situations. Rabbi Haber's advice is a recipe for a bad marriage and lots of resentment, which I'm sure you have, please discard his advice, I have never heard such rubbish, you don't marry a family, you marry a person and become a family. very soon we will be visiting my m-i-l who's made clear wishes for her son to inform me that she should have all the freedom to do what she wants with our kids whilst we visit and made clear this is kibud eim..She has not changed (and prob never will) but WE have changed, both myself and my husband and our marriage. Thank G-d my husband now understands it's not her place to say that or much else, and he also agrees with Dr Tobin's approach and says the sitiation needs to be dealt with carefully and delicately, and did not agree with Rabbi Haber's approach. Hatzlacha with your nisayon, and you and your husband have an amazing opportunity here for growth to create a healthy marriage and environment for your children. A happy mother is able to give to her children properly, not one who is constantly being criticized and judged.

I read 2 books about this situation that really helped one is Grandparenting with Love and Logic and although it is geared toward them it addresses very detailed problems that bring to light very interesting aspects of a mother in law mentality and what should me done about it. For instance there is something called an alliance that is formed with the grandchildren and the mother is made to feel inadequate and incapable of caring for the children so the children become the grandmother's children. It address the topics of making negative comments about the parent n how this really just damages the child and what tactics she will use for her plot to come about. It also talks about Grandma taking the steering wheel even though she should be in the passanger seat. I highly recommend this book for every person. The other book says with alifetime of experience on raising a family a mnlaw can't sit back n watch this NYMP trying to raise her family n making mistakes, she just has to jump in and have her way, regardless. Yes, I am married to my husband and living next door to my mother in law. I have 6 children and she makes it a point to have my children do the exact opposite of what my husband and i have agreed to. She says nasty things because she feels she can do almost everything better than i can and she makes it a point to do things to get him to feel sorry for her, or be sick or helpless when he or i stand up to her. It is very damaging to the children and to the Marriage, as well as to the Mother inL and father inL marriage because he may not agree with her. It took my husband 5 LONG years to figure her out and it took a serious toll on our marriage. I remember the day he admitted I never knew my mother was like this. Too sad and bad for her bc i did everything in my power to love her and be a great friend to her. 80perc of our marital problems are resolved to her getting out. I feel free. Do not discount Rabbi words either bc there is trueth in too.

(preferably country). If husband won't go, go for help! I wouldn't call your situation a marriage: it's more like you're living together unmarried with kids - in his mother's house.

Don't bother changing the locks! FIND A DIFFERENT PLACE TO LIVE WITH YOUR FAMILY!

I was very surprised to read rabbi Haber's remarks. Anyone who is that intrusive to a marriage (or any relationship) must be stopped. This goes way beyond the boundaries of Kibbud Av. In fact, in Rabbi Diamant's book on marriage , he clearly states that ones obligation is always to the marriage before the parent

okay, Dr. Michael Tobin's response seems sensible and halachically accurate. the only thing he forgot to say is CHANGE THE LOCK ON YOUR HOUSE! I do not get Rabbi Yaacov Haber's response, it does not seem either psychologically and or hallachically sound. the reason why Judaism allows for divorce is that not all marriages work. when on partner cares more about his or her parents more than the spouse, then there is no marriage. appeasement does not work, especially in situations like this. find a different Rabbi if you want rabbinic approval, one who understands that this is not a marriage between a husband and wife, it is between a son and his mother. b'hatlacha in resolving your situation, HaSh-m should bless you with the strength to deal with everything with wisdom, and calm and with the correct guidence.

Whether you like it or not,she lives down there.You'd better roll up your sleeves to find a good spouse for her,that would help. PS:On 7th line 's' is left out for feel

I think it is the combination that is upsetting the wife. The mother is not only in her space but neg. about her and backbiting. Backbiting hurts. Imagine if the mother was in the picture but being supportive, cleaning, babysitting.If she lives so close by, one could send the kids to her house for certain hours. Locks can be changed. Chains can be put on the door, secured on the inside.How one responds to hearing what is said about one is also real. One wants to respond but not to be revealing and not to exhibit negativity; one needs a phrase that makes the speaker think. Abe Lincoln had some interesting responses. Men often marry someone like their mother so there could be some self-examination. That is often why the man can get along with both women while the women hate it. I am reading a book called "Understanding Other People" by Beverly Flaxington. Another favorite of mine is "Dealing with Difficult People" by Drs Brinkman and Kirschner. I like books like that. Both are thin books. There can also be a recognition that the philosophy that the world would be at peace if women were in charge to be a fallacy considering how hard women find it just to have peace within their own family, and give credit to men for being the easy going people they are in comparison. It is difficult to be a mother-in-law in our society. In China they came up with the idea that the older woman could be as impossible as she liked and the daughter-in-law knew that when she got to be that age, she would have that same freedom. In Ireland, men put off marriage until their mother died. In our society the mother puts a lot of energy and devotion into her son, and then he marries and all of a sudden the mother has to keep her mouth shut and be seen but not heard. The wife could concentrate on the mother having a relationship with the children which might give the wife some free time. When couples are on their own, they miss having family around to help with baby sitting and sick days.

And the Jewish view is that a man leaves his mother and his father and cleaves to his wife as one flesh, "ishto k'gufo".

Your mother-in-law is a permanent part of your family. She is important to your husband, children, and to you. I think you should be honest with her. Tell her that you all love her very much and she is welcome in your home, but you need time alone to grow your relationship with your husband. Invite her over 2-3 days per week. Let her know exactly which days and times she is invited and make it a regular occurrence. Treat her as a guest at those time and serve dinner. Include her. Try to find other things for her to do on the other days. She may be so happy to be wanted and included at certain times that she begins to enjoy the new arrangement.

Change the locks. Have an intervention. Find her some community projects to get involved with. Send her a letter explaining how you feel about her intrusions.

Yes, put your house for sale & get out of town....or at least to the other side of town.....& give no forwarding address!!

The last thing to do is to invite her and include her in family activities. The ML needs to learn boundaries and not get mixed messages. Her son needs to grow up and speak to his mom and yes has to choose his wife over his mother. My kids grew up with a mom who was a shmatta and put my ML in front of my needs. They saw my pain and it affects their marriages now. Children do not learn kibud parents and grandparents by seeing a ML hurt a daughter in law. My marriage improved and was saved by an ultimatum close to 20 years after the trouble started. My problem was not setting boundaries for my ML ( out of kibud, she sat in my seat across from my husband) Do not include her, do not invite her until she is clear what her role is in your family and it is not to denigrate a daughter in law or raise her grandchildren. I have lived through this. She turned my kids against me because I let her-kibud aim-let he enjoy her aineklech, I thought. . I am a mother in law now, and I do not do what was done to me.I give my married kids lots of privacy and they still prefer their grandmother over me. This would not be an issue if the husband was not a mama's boy. He will need to change. Plenty of husbands do choose their wives over their mothers on a daily basis. He has to learn how and if he does not, then you must move on. Women with children do remarry.

Find special roles in your household for your MIL. Find things to compliment her on. Perhaps she would like to teach the children card games, listen while the kids read to her, tend your houseplants, whatever. Use your imagination and powers of observation. Find a mentor, someone you can vent to when things get tough, someone who loves you and who values Kibud Horim (respecting parents). A friend, a rabbi or rebbetzin, the right therapist, etc. Praying is helpful too – Hashem is always available! When you’re unsure how to handle the latest invasion, you can try imagining “what would a Tzaddika (a truly righteous woman) do?” A Tzaddika behaves with compassion and confidence and is not driven by her own ego and defensiveness. Invite your MIL to go somewhere to spend pleasant time together, just the two of you. A restaurant, miniature golf, art museum, whatever works. When you absolutely must have some privacy, explain it as *your* “failing”. “I need to speak to the girls, and I’ll do better without any distractions of other adults around. Would you mind coming back in a couple of hours?”

Avoid a power struggle with your MIL. You can’t win the war, even if you win battles. The rabbi gave advice that’s incredibly hard to follow – but could be worthwhile. If you like the following ideas for putting the advice into practice, you may want to slowly adopt one every week or two. Keep in mind that you will be teaching your children how to treat parents and in-laws. Also, you have an opportunity to foster a close relationship between your kids and their grandmother. Your MIL may be lonely and probably has control issues. Again, deflecting may be a more successful approach than a head-on conflict. Greet your MIL with a smile, hug and kiss whenever she comes over. Repeat when she leaves. Teach your children to do the same. Every time. Ask her about her life. Incidentally, this can be an effective way of heading off intrusive questions about *your* life. Ask her for advice and input. Help her feel included and important. You can ignore the advice, even if you solicit it. You do not need to explain or justify your decisions. If you choose to, you can just say something decisive and vague like, “oh, I just followed my instincts.” When your MIL offers unsolicited input, you can try a few approaches to deflect her advice: “Oh you’re concerned about … ?” gives her a chance to say what she wants without promising to change your mind. Or “Thanks for the input. I’ll give it some thought.” Or “oh, that’s what you did when you were raising children?” Just don’t argue your position. You don’t need to; you’re the mom. Remember, her advice and criticism are not really about you; they’re about her. Invite your MIL over frequently. Who knows, maybe she’ll get the idea that it’s better to come over that way, rather than unannounced.

Why didn't you tell her to have the locks changed? That would be the first thing. The only explanation to tell the M-I-L is that the couple should have full control of whom and when there are people in the house.

Five times a day for eight years? Change the locks and send momma's boy home to mommy already.

Thank you rabbi Haber I wish all of us would be able to look at matters In such a straight manner

I am a married woman with a child. I have a mother-in-law, who is also without a family of her own (her husband left her) and who would constantly be in our business, should I bend a little bit on this issue. I am more mature than most newlyweds, as I married in my 30's - I am an adult woman with a career and some life experience. I know that my mother-in-law is somewhat intimidated by my status, which helps greatly my marriage boundaries. Her behaviour to my sister-in-law is different and is pretty mortifying. I would like to offer a notice that very often a man and a woman can easier find common ground (in a case of son in-law and his mother-in-law) that two women. it is often hard for a man to imagine how tricky it can be for a woman to relate to her mother-in-law. Unfortunately, these women have destroyed many a family with a silent complacency of their sons. I think that sons too need to own up to their faults of letting their mothers meddle in their lives. I believe that this woman has a reason to save her marriage and wants to. She an her husband need to go into counseling and teach the mother-in-law some boundaries, starting with changing the locks on their house.

Thank you rabbi haber for seeing reality instead of throwaway psychological lines. someone is finally getting to the root of the matter!!! thank you

First thing, change all of the door locks and do NOT give her a key. If your husband does give her one, change them again and when he gets tired of locksmith bills-he may get the message. This is in addition to all of the other good advice listed here.

It seems the mother-in-law is making a life, by inserting herself into the lives of her family, and is doing this in unconscionable ways, becoming in so doing, the whale swallowing up everyone in the process. Don't let her do this. She needs boundaries. We all need boundaries It is clear she has a real problem recognizing family intimacy and place "setting". When someone allows another to be invasive in this way, to practise piracy, without being stopped, the message is wrong. We talk about tough love for our children, well in this case, a Mother needs boundaries and she can be told she is loved but that her JOB is not appreciated when she feels the need to take over, in this way. It's wrong to make keys to another's home, unbidden, and to walk in without respect for privacy and personal space. Does she need a real job? Is she empty inside, and filling her life with meaning by defining for herself something not wanted, not needed, which she has created? I bet she needs structure and a place to put herself during the day. And it could be rewarding. I would say she needs to "find herself". There are so many ways to be useful these days, and programs for people in retirement. She's running on empty and fulfilling herself in the wrong ways.

and maybe everyone could benefit from Rebbitzen Faige Twerski's article July 15, 2012 "Difficult Mother in Laws". She states a few times: "you simply have to adapt the attitude that it is not about you". Great advice from a great (and very experienced) woman.

I think only those that are in her shoes can really give this woman advice!! MIL's can be toxic!!

Rabbi Haber: With all due respect, please tell me this is not the advice you would really give. It seems to me that your advice totally disregards the very sanctity of marriage that the Torah holds so dear. Women are not supposed to be cowering in a corner submitting to her husband's (or mother-in-law's) every whim. We are supposed to be an "aizer k'negdo". Literally translated, that means "a helper opposite him" which we learn means that we are supposed to help our husbands, support them, and build them up, but also let them know when we think they are making a mistake or doing something wrong. The husband in this case, by putting his mother's whims before his wife's needs, is definitely making a big mistake. There are definitely times in a marriage where one party or the other (in this case the husband) needs a swift, verbal, kick in the pants, so to speak. The wife should put it plainly to her husband how much pain she's in, and what direction she sees their marriage going in should this pain continue. If that doesn't wake him up on it's own, yes, therapy should be started, as the doctor suggested. Putting the blame on the wife for this situation is both irresponsible and mean. To the woman in this situation, change your locks. Make it one of those that you need to call a specific locksmith to copy, and tell the locksmith that he can't copy it without checking with you first. Make 3 keys: One for you, one for your husband, and one for a trusted neighbor in case of emergency.

I agree with the Rabbai. He is trying to prevent a divorce. The life of 3 children is at risk.So compromise here is not a bad thing to do.

Rabbi Haber, why do you blame the victim ? No, she did not marry the family, she married her husband and yes family does come as an added "bonus" but we don't have to accept the bonus if its a burden. Her otherwise happy marriage tells me that her husband is not a bad guy at heart but just too tied to his mothers's apron strings and unfortunately puts his mother ahead of his wife. Absolute NO NO!! in a marriage. I honestly feel she should give her husband an ultimatum and one way or the other she will be much happier.

Some real life experience will show that it is quite possible that the husband and his mother are also being abused.

Dr Tobias. I wonder if all these well meaning comments (critiques) against the husband's mother would be the same if it was the wife's mother that was intruding, which usually is more common. Rabbi Haber has an excellent prescription for shalom bayis without compromising the sanctity of Kibud av V'aim.

Yes, it would be the same. No mother or any member of the family should come between hiusband and wife.Both spouses should respect each other's feelings before anyone else's. Why get married if a man or a woman wants to remain "married" to mommy ??!!

I am curious as to why neither of these "professionals" began with "change the lock". That is just common sense. Also, consider the example that is being set for the children: "when I get married it will be ok for my mother/mother-in-law to run my marriage." A recipe for disaster for the future generation.

Not to be believed! Get key to Mother in law's house and be there every day before she wakes up and at odd hours day and night. When she asks what you are doing here you can tell her you are doing just what she does in your home. Let's make a deal! I'll call before I come here and you call before you come to my house. If your husband doesn't think this is brilliant, start packing!

Having been in that position I thank Dr. Tobin for his advice. Except for the fact that my mother-in-law from hell did not have a key to my house, I was in the same situation. It is as if I wrote the above problem myself. The problem was solved unfortunately by her death. She always interferred with our marriage and our 4 children. I lost my husband 29 years ago and still to this day have awful feelings of hate towards my mother-in-law. We did go for therapy which helped tremendously, and I urge the distressed wife to go for help. Luckily my husband realized what poison his mother was before she died. Otherwise the guilt he would feel would, in fact, destroy our marriage. We were married 9 years when she died and the rest of our years together was as it should be between husband and wife. I'm sorry, Rabbi Haber I feel that you are off base about this problem. You ask questions that make me (at 70 years old) feel that you are not really in touch with these problems.

I agree. In this situation the best way to set boundaries is to go to therapy or have a discussion with the husband so that you can develop a sense of unity as a couple. I realise this now myself. However this can take a long time and husbands who have an unhealthy bond with their moms may not be open to any discussion. I read the Rabbi's advice a few times and I now think that in a way you do need to raise above yourself (we all do) to solve such a difficult situation. But it won't be possible without the husband's willingness and understanding. Don't wait too long though, you literally will start to lose your teeth before you are 40 because of the extreme stress a person goes through in such an environment. Both Dr Tobin and Rabbi Haber have a point. I wish the husband and wife well.

Why does "shalom bayit" always end up meaning that the wife has to suffer? This is such an extreme situation of an umbilical cord that has never been cut. It's outrageous that you should suggest that the wife just has to put up with any behavior from any of her husband's family, because she "married" the mother as well. So what's the other option? In addition to Dr. Tobin's advice, I suggest that they move to at least an hour's drive away. Even with all the hassle it will be worthwhile. They can visit granny with the kids once a week. In any case the MIL is going to hate her but at least she can have some peace and quiet from her, and see her on her own terms, and not be invaded every two minutes. The issue here really is the husband. Is he willing to understand what his responsibilities are in life, aka, making his wife number one in his life. Strongly suggest books on shalom bayit by Rav Arush. Good luck to this woman who deserves more than a medal.

She is usually happy because her husband is not intrinsically a bad husband and they probably would have a good marriage, even great if his mother, the thorn, would not poke at him and therefore at them. I lived what she is living and after 18 years, my husband finally chose me. My mother in law still has not forgiven me or seen her role in this. The scars of my early years with a man who chose his mom over me ( moved to a city and state that his mom wanted to live in and she moved too- I did not want to move) have not fully healed. They may not. I try to concentrate on the last 7 years of our 25 year old marriage. I tell my husband that my first husband was a jerk and I am so glad that he is now my 2nd husband. My advice: therapy, ultimatum and divorce if nothing else works. I regret not giving him the ultimatum earlier and suffering as I did. You are not in a marriage when your mother in law is the priority.

You are right on target. My marriage was great when the horrible mother-in-law left the scene. To this day my grown and married children still remember what a horrible person she was. My husband did see her ways, thank G-d, before she died. Otherwise his mourning her would be impossible. I had wonderful years (13) with him before he unexpectedly died. The husbands - and wives - have to know that they come first with each other, and not forgetting to respect the parent along with putting their spouses and children in first place. Get to the therapist. Glad you have solved your problem, anonymous. Yasher koach to you.

First change the lock. Possibly she will get the hint. And if not you could patiently explain the motivation for it. You could also move a distance which will change the dynamic, and while this is a drastic change, it's not as drastic as divorce. For both of these, you need to get your husband to understand that the current situation is not sustainable.

I know you meant well Rabbi Haber, but in my opinion, in so many words, your answer essentially 'blamed the victim'. Sure, your suggestions have merit. For a moment though, put aside that the wife may not be perfect. Where is your concern for the shalom bayit that the husband and mother in law clearly have no regard for? Okay, now let's reintroduce the imperfect wife, as this is where you directed your answer. No marriage is ideal, but even with the wife's imperfections, her husband and mother in law are slowly poisoning her marriage, and are contributing to her disregard for her husband, and her contempt for her mother in law. Where in your answer do you direct your comments to the source of the problems, that is, the husband's clear failings to protect his marriage, and the mother in laws clear attempts to intrude? The mother in law forgot about the sanctity of her son's marriage, and you seem to have misplaced this to a possible failing by the wife. Rabbi, please excuse the metaphor, but your answer truly "blew smoke up the woman's backside". Read the doctor's answer. He 'nailed it".

I think Rabbi Haber was the most realistic: is the wife gonna be happier divorced, alone with 3 kids? Is she even going to get the kids? What about visitation rights etc? So when she seems to be the only one healthy enough to try to change this triangle, what are her best options? It's a fact of life that we can't change another person unless he himself wants to changes himself. So each of us is best advised to work on ourself, and from our revitalized strengths, change the balance and energies in the relationship. Then maybe he'll decide to do some changes also....

Some readers are way too sensitive. The rabbi isn't 'blaming the victim' - of course the mother in law is at fault here. But now what? You can disagree with his approach, but he's trying to give practical advice and show the wife how her choices can affect the situation. i don't see blame being cast on her in the slightest

I don't agree. The husband is not going to change, regardless of what the wife does. The husband has clearly "spoken" by his choice of not cutting the cord. Furthermore, the husband clearly knows that his mother is causing stress in his marriage -- most of their fights are over the mother. The husband will not confront his mother. Yes, the wife should go for counselling, and perhaps she will learn to handle her clearly dysfunctional marriage better. Or, sadly, she will conclude that divorce is the better option. In fact, while the wife may not be happier divorced, she may be happier divorced. But for sure, the mother in law will be happy with a divorce. I understand that Rabbi Haber is asking her to look inwardly to make changes to her approach if this will help her marriage. This is surely good advice. But I believe that there is better advice.

No, the Rabbi did not come right out and 'blame the victim'. That is why I put the phrase in quotes. But, when you distill the advice he gave, he might as well be 'blaming" her for the husband's acquiesence to his mother's interference, as well as his mother's actual interference itself. Obviously it is the wife asking for the advice, so, while some situations require an introspective appoach, this particular situation does not. Sure, some introspection is always a good thing. But, what change in the wife's behavor will make this situation better? Continuing to permit the mother in law to be the third cog in a two cog wheel? Or continuing to permit the husband to not protect her feelings?

I agree with alan and dr michaels comments.