Hearts of the Fathers
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Hearts of the Fathers

Hearts of the Fathers

Since the divorce, my ex-husband won't have anything to do with our sons. Is it wrong to hope for a miracle?

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The metal frame of our back door screeches in protest as my seven-year-old yanks it open. I tear my gaze away from the computer monitor. My six-year-old, Eli, looks up from the puzzle he’s absorbed in.

“Mommy, look!” Mordy bursts into the room, his face smudged and his kippah dusty from a long day at school. He’s waving a bright blue piece of paper, which turns out to be an invitation to his class’s celebration upon completion of the Book of Genesis.

“Wow, Mordy, that’s so exciting! I’m so happy for you!” I give him a hug.

“Mommy, can we bake cookies for my party?” he asks, dancing around the room.

“Sure, Mordy. Let me just call your teacher to be sure that’s what he wants.”

Fast forward three hours. Dinner is over, and I’m wiping crumbs off the tablecloth. Eli splashes happily in the bathtub. Mordy is conspicuously quiet.

I find him lying on his bed, gaze fixed on the ceiling, ignoring the pile of library books nearby.

I cross the toy-strewn carpet to sit down next to him. “Is everything okay, Mordy?”

“I’m sad,” he tells me.

“You’re sad? But wasn’t today a happy day for you, because you’re finishing the book of Bereishit?”

“I’m sad because Daddy’s not going to be at my party, and all the other fathers will be.”

Rubbing his back I say, “I’m sorry, Mordy. I know it’s hard for you. I wish things were different.”

My son hasn’t seen his daddy for over two and half years. This is not for lack of trying on my part. Although we live on different continents, Mordy and Eli are supposed to visit their father twice a year, and talk to him on the phone twice a week. In actuality, they’ve seen him only once since the divorce happened, three years ago, and have not talked to him on the phone in over two years.

Today, when all the kids in his class attend father-son learning programs, Mordy reviews what he learned either with me or with my father. When the other kids come to their school’s Sukkot celebration with their fathers, Mordy and Eli arrive alone and dance with their teachers (who fortunately remember to look out for them) and their friends, and occasionally their friends’ fathers. At Mordy’s alef-bet party, which culminated in the kids dancing on their fathers’ shoulders, my father managed, through superhuman effort, to get Mordy onto his aging grandpa shoulders and dance for five minutes, and then told me afterwards that one of my brothers had to come along next year for Eli’s performance, because Zeidy’s back couldn’t handle it a second time.

Different kids react to adversity in different ways. Eli, the younger and more easygoing brother, takes everything in stride, while Mordy takes everything to heart. He copes by drawing endless pictures of himself with his daddy, writing on the top of each page, in his loopy seven-year-old handwriting, “Mordy reelly reelly misses Daddy.” He made a birthday card for Daddy, which is still sitting on my desk two weeks later because Daddy has moved to a new city and we don’t have his address.

I try to encourage him by telling him that chances are, he will one day see Daddy again, even though we don’t know when. I tell him that Daddy still loves him, even if he doesn’t show it right now. I tell him that not always do fathers know what to do with their feelings, and sometimes fathers think that the best way to deal with difficult feelings are to ignore them, even though we, Mordy and I, both know that’s not true. We know that it really would be better for Mordy and Daddy both (and let’s not forget Eli) if Daddy would allow himself to be drawn into a relationship with these two lovable boys, and allow them to visit him again, and answer the phone when they call him.

But Daddy won’t, and we can’t change that. So right now, we just hope. We hope for the best, and we don’t anticipate any great changes in the future.

I tell him that he’s a very precious boy and one day he’ll see how much his daddy loves him.

In the meantime, I tell Mordy to pray, because prayer can change everything in the blink of an eye. I tell Mordy that miracles do happen, and one day he may yet see his dreams come true. I tell him that he’s a very special boy, a very precious boy, and one day he’ll see how much his daddy loves him.

We’re taught not to hope for miracles. It’s too hard on psyche, and too unfair for little boys to live that way. But we can anticipate the future, the day when the hearts of the fathers will return to their sons, and the hearts of the sons to their fathers. Because one day, my boys will be reunited with their Father, and He will tell them how much He loved them through all the suffering they underwent.

We can’t count on their flesh-and-blood father. But their Father in Heaven is always there for them, as evidenced by all the good He does for us, in giving us a roof over our heads and a loving family nearby, and in giving Mordy and Eli only good memories of their father instead of, God forbid, the opposite. And we pray to Him that things should improve, slowly but surely, so that Mordy and Eli can one day have a daddy again.

As the prophet says, “[Elijah] will return the hearts of the fathers to the sons.” May it happen soon, in our days.

Published: January 29, 2011


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Visitor Comments: 17

(17) Anonymous, February 3, 2011 7:56 PM

Dear Tehilla, You are a true inspiration! I am sure that Hashem sees all of the efforts you are putting in. You should have much nachas from your sons.

(16) Anonymous, January 31, 2011 11:02 PM

Be proud of yourself

I'm just wondering whether there are any other children you know of also in single-parent families, or if there is a local support group where you could meet some, so your boys feel that there are other children like them. It's very easy to feel like we are on the fringes of society, but there are plenty of single parent families out there. Remember, also, that you never know what goes on in a family behind closed doors and there are many deeply dysfunctional two-parent families that you would never think to look at. You're a loving mother providing your sons with a stable home, the rest is out of your hands. I'm also a single parent in a similar situation and I feel very strongly that we should look at what we are doing with pride and not shame.

(15) Anonymous, January 31, 2011 2:53 PM

daughters

But how about moms who remarry and whose new husband refuses visitation by the biologic dad.

(14) Anonymous, January 31, 2011 2:51 PM

I was very upset by this account and the struggles you and your young family are going through. I honestly think you should re-marry the loveliest man who crosses your path.

(13) Anonymous, January 31, 2011 3:42 AM

Living Continents Apart

You mentioned living continents apart but did not mention whether you moved away from your ex-husband or vice-versa. There's a big difference. ED: The husband moved away.

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