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I don't know who her PR agents were. I don't know what her marketing strategy was. I just know that there couldn't be a worse title for a truly valuable book than "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle. Even as I write it I cringe. But it got my attention. And maybe that was the goal...
Despite my reservations, I read the book in an effort to demonstrate how broadminded I am. "The Surrendered Wife" is a book about letting go. It is not a book about submissiveness. It is not anti-feminism. It is a book that demonstrates the destructiveness of trying to control another human being, particularly your spouse. So I read it. Cover to cover.
Perhaps my husband would enjoy if just once I would keep my big mouth shut.
I saw myself, and many close friends (you know who you are) in Ms. Doyle's stories. And while she takes her philosophy to an extreme of passivity that I find unpalatable – i.e. "don't express your opinion, just say to your husband 'whatever you think'" – there is a lot of wisdom in her insights. Perhaps my husband would enjoy if just once in a while I would keep my big mouth shut and turn to him adoringly and say, "Whatever you think."
Maybe. Maybe not. But I know he would appreciate it if I didn't always tell him he took the wrong turn and the slowest route. He might appreciate it if I didn't tell him how to talk to the waiter, what to order, and the exact amount of the appropriate tip.
Our husbands want to know they have our respect, trust, and, as Laura Doyle suggests, every time we control, direct, or even worse, criticize them, they know they don't.
And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. As with children. If we don't expect our husbands to succeed, they probably won't (unless he's got a very contrary personality and responds well to reverse psychology!)
The nitpicking, the correcting, the "I know a better way" attitude is destructive on many levels – to the husband personally and to the marriage. I know that I don't enjoy spending time with people who are always telling me I'm wrong – either directly or by implication.
And this situation sure doesn't augur well for one's intimate life. It doesn't encourage closeness and desire.
FOR HIS OWN GOOD
Of course when we correct our husbands, we mean it for their good. We're only doing it to help them. But most husbands don't experience it like that. To them, it's an attack. To them, it's emasculating. To them, it's depressing and destructive.
There's nothing liberated or egalitarian about being critical.
There's nothing liberated or egalitarian about being critical. Our husbands are not our project, our work in progress, a piece of clay for us to mold. And our husbands are not children. (It always annoys me when women refer, half-jokingly, to their husbands as one of their biggest children. Do they think their husbands find that flattering or amusing?) It won't create a new/modern marriage if we whip our husbands into shape. But it is a quick road to divorce.
"But I do know a faster way to drive there," wives complain. Good. Keep it to yourself. (I would say, "Unless asked"; Ms. Doyle would say, "Even then.") You'll get there five minutes later with a stronger marriage.
"But he's handling the situation all wrong." Give him a chance to figure it out for himself and grow from it. Don't rob him of his opportunities to stretch and change.
There is an important caveat in the book that none of this advice applies to an abusive situation. Similarly, if there is, God forbid, a serious crime at stake. If your husband is about to commit armed robbery, don't say, "Whatever you think!"
We have to lift our husbands through caring and respect. As Rabbi Eisenblatt writes in Fulfillment in Marriage: "...to the extent that the marriage partners appreciate and respect each other they will create a nourishing atmosphere in which each can grow and develop into a still better partner."
Worth taping to the fridge.
POSITIVE EXPRESSIONS
Positive expressions of pleasure after tasks well done accomplish much more than harsh words. And don't qualify those compliments. Drop the "but" as in: "That was nice of you to make dinner but why didn't you clean up the kitchen?" "I appreciate that you went grocery shopping but why did you buy ten bags of potato chips?" Practice saying two simple words: "Thank you."
A woman's belief in her husband's abilities and potential will inspire him to greater heights. Nagging will drag him down.
It's not about being submissive. And I don't know if it's about surrendering either. It is about letting go. We don't have to run the world. (The Almighty's on that job 24/7.) We don't have to control our husbands. We don't have to dominate our children.
And the most surprising thing of all is not only do things not fall apart without us at the helm, sometimes they actually get better.
Postscript: Whenever I address this topic to women, they invariably say, "What about the men? Don't they need to hear this?" Of course they do. There are many men who would benefit from the ideas in this book. Hopefully their needs will be addressed. But asking, "What about the men?" can also be a way of avoiding personal responsibility. Don't worry about the men for a minute. Look inward instead of outward. Do you see potential for growth and change? You go girl.
(22) MariJoy , January 15, 2008
opposite problem
How about the husband that constantly criticizes and nitpicks? All in all, I think that's much more prevalent & I have suffered with it (all the while very vocally standing up for myself) for the past 18 years. I have become so defensive about everything he says that now I can't even hear when his comments are warranted...
(21) Anonymous , September 30, 2007
it has changed my marriage for the better
(20) ELi , July 10, 2007
PICK YOUR BATTLES
I learned the hard way that me picking the parking space while he is driving or the socks being on the floor were really the least of my concerns in the marriage and my husband helped me see that. Now that I have done that the roles have changed and now he does nitpicking with me. He all of a sudden can't see the forest from the trees.
If everyone could remember to see the forest from the trees then life would be far more peaceful and pleasant.
Believe after dealing with colon cancer and liver cancer, the small stuff does not matter anymore. You do for him what you would him to do for you and hope that it get recipricated and most often it does.
Its not submission, it is putting life and all things involving it, into perspective.
I have am an American Catholic who is 35 years old married my Arab Muslim husband when I was 22 and he was 24 years old. If we can work through cultural and religious issues on top of the more routine marriage issues, anyone can.
He is not your enemy he is your lover, friend, partner.
(19) Anonymous , May 8, 2007
so simple, so true-in contemporary language
wonderful, what a lovely modern-day, contemporary explanation for what we women do in order to help our husbands 'see the light'..
(18) Mary , April 21, 2007
Doesn't always apply to the wife.
In my case it's my husband who nitpicks, complains constantly and tries to control and manage everything I do. I suspect many other wives have those types of husbands. He's miserable but I've learned to ignore it and that only infuriates him more but his nagging only shuts me off.