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HABIT #1 - GIVE EACH OTHER PLEASURE
Happily married couples are committed to the goal of giving each other pleasure. You must stay focused on the ultimate goal -- which is to give each other pleasure and not cause pain. It sounds simple enough, but can be very hard in practice.
For just one day, try to maintain a consciousness with everything you do, by asking yourself, "Is what I'm about to do or say going to cause my spouse pain or pleasure?"
To monitor how you're doing, each of you should make two lists: One for all the things your spouse does to cause you pain, and another which identifies what you would like your spouse to do to give you pleasure. Swap lists, and now you know exactly what to do and what not to do. No more mind reading!
HABIT #2 - CREATE MUTUALLY SATISFYING LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP RITUALS
Rituals are habits that build and strengthen a relationship. One couple had the following "greeting ritual" at night when the husband came home:
He would first greet the dog and hug the kids. Then he would go into his bedroom, change his clothes, and watch the news, followed by a visit to the bathroom. Finally he would wander into the kitchen and mutter something to his wife, for example, "Let’s eat fast so we can get to the PTA meeting!"
One might say that such a ritual was not exactly increasing their love for each other.
How are your greeting and goodbye rituals?
So after watching how their dog greeted them every time they came home, this couple decided to come up with a new ritual. Elated dogs jump all over their masters and lick them. So they decided to greet each other like dogs. They started jumping up and down and hugging each other. They really got into it. They had fun and the kids got a kick out it, too.
Our actions affect the way we feel. How are your greeting and good-bye rituals?
Here are some rituals you and your spouse should consider working on:
* Daily e-mailing each other with a compliment.
* Daily phone call. (especially important for husbands to do)
* Anniversaries deserve special attention. Plan to do something both of you really enjoy, rather than feeling stuck two days before your anniversary arrives and then running out to get some flowers.
* Before you turn in for the night, try saying two compliments to each other. This means coming up with something new each night!
* It is essential to have a "date night" at least every other week.
HABIT #3 - CREATE A SAFE PLACE TO DISCUSS ISSUES OPENLY AND HONESTLY
Abusive relationships are ones in which you are afraid to express feelings and opinions. Happily married couples create a sense of safety that allows each person to feel comfortable expressing his/her feelings, problems, and dissatisfactions. This sense of safety is the foundation upon which a couple negotiates things that are bothering them.
It's common for each person to come into a relationship with certain expectations about how things will be. But without the ability to communicate and negotiate, these issues become sources for power struggles that almost always damage the relationship.
HABIT #4 - USE GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS TO RESOLVE HOT ISSUES
The technique that every couple must learn is called the "listener-speaker technique." The problem with the way most couples argue is that they try to find solutions before fully giving each other the chance to say what they need to say. The speaker-listener technique ensures that before you can engage in solution talk, each person feels they have been fully heard.
Only after each person has been fully heard, do you proceed to problem solving.
Here's how it works: One person holds an object in their hand which symbolizes that he or she has the floor. While one person has the floor, the other person can only listen by repeating back or paraphrasing what the other person said. The listener can stop the speaker if s/he is saying too much for the listener to repeat back.
When couples use this technique, it automatically ensures that each person will be able to say everything s/he needs to say without interruption, rebuttals, criticism or attack. Only after each person has been fully "heard," do you then proceed to problem solving.
HABIT #5 - CONSTANTLY TURN TOWARD EACH OTHER, RATHER THAN AWAY
When you pass your spouse sitting at her desk doing some work, do you stop and rub her shoulders, give her a kiss on the cheek, and whisper something nice in her ear -- or do you just walk on by? This is the meaning of "turning toward" as opposed to "turning away."
Happily married couples have ways to constantly be emotionally close to each other.
Marriage research shows that happily married couples do a lot of turning toward each other whenever they get the chance. They look for ways to be physically and emotionally close to each other. Turning toward each other means making each other your number one priority.
Another important aspect of turning toward each other is doing things together that you both enjoy. Taking walks together, drinking coffee together after dinner, learning Torah together, and listening to music together, are all examples of how couples turn toward each other.
A powerful way to turn toward each other is to show the ultimate respect -- by standing when your spouse enters the room. Sounds old-fashioned? It is. But it's a powerful way to turn toward your spouse, make him/her feel very special.
Couples who "turn away" from each other don't develop closeness. It's a basic principle stated in the Talmud, "A good deed begets another good deed. A bad deed begets another bad deed."
HABIT #6 - INFUSE YOUR LIVES WITH SHARED MEANING
I often ask singles the following question: "After you're married, what do you plan to do for the next 40 years?" And I usually follow-up by saying, "And besides having fun, what else will you do with each other?"
The ultimate in meaning is to share a common philosophy of life purpose.
Human beings need meaning like we need water. Happily married couples enrich their relationship by sharing meaningful experiences with each other. The ultimate in meaning is to share a common philosophy of life and life purpose. This is why couples who observe Shabbat together, and learn Torah together, have great sources of meaning built into their lives.
Some other specific ways of infusing your relationship with meaning are visiting the sick together, making a shiva call together, or preparing a meal together for a mother who just gave birth.
When couples share truly meaningful experiences, they bond on a deeper level.
These six habits may seem small, but when practiced intentionally and consistently, they will form the backbone of a deeply fulfilling marriage.
_(english).jpg "A Husband's Promises")
(54) thomas , May 12, 2009
i love my wife to the extent that i cant imagine how she could ever do without me.
is this a wrong way to look at our relationship?
(53) neven , April 1, 2009
Horrible married life
I got married approx. 2.5 years back... Now I'm feeling like I'm in HELL... I've tried to explain everything to my wife... she always says the same stuff... why should I listen to you... in what sense I'm not right... who the hell are you to say something to me... I'm doing more than what you are doing... I'm no way lesser than you... I'm no way causing or raising any issues... everything is being done by you only... if you want to stay with me stay otherwise go ahead.... I can live my life... I can take care of my self... I can take care of kids.... Because I'm not working, you are saying whatever you want... why should I help you... take care of your stuff yourselves.... oh my god... bring peace in my life... this is horrible... I'm feeling like I'm lost... I never saw such a egoistic character... can anybody suggest me what else can I do here?
(52) Ann , December 27, 2008
stop fighting
Anita...Try this...When you and your husband disagree...try a ten point system...for instance...explain to your husband on a ten point system how important the issue is to you...Say, "this issue is a seven for me on the ten point scale of importance. What is it for you?" Agree to give in if the issue is not important for you but it is for him and vice-versa. For the rest of the arguments, say, "What is more important, our marriage and how we talk to each other...or this issue?" Then learn to communicate better. Good luck. This worked for me.
(51) anita , September 30, 2008
love
my husband and i have been married 15 yrs. we fight at least twice a week. a divorce is not the answer. we love each other but dont know what to do. any answers out there?
(50) cathy , September 26, 2008
no win situation
18 years together still trying to have a normal conversation ,thank goodness for our 15yr old duaghter and 4yr old son [who he made me wait 11 years for] who have kept me going.Going to visit friends together dosent really ever happen he likes to do this by himself,even to the neighbours.I have 1 friend i met through my daughters school when in kindy ,we have remained friends for 10 years.When i am lucky enough to go visit I am always on a time limmit if I am more than an hour i either get a phone call from him or the third degree when i get home,and grilled about how much petrol i have used - driving 10 minutes away once in a blue moon. My husband on the other hand goes to a friends from work who is 30 -45 minutes away [no worries about the petrol]oh yer hes usualy gone anywhere from 3-6 hours and o m g dont dare ask anything cause he will yell or ignore me never no which.He dosent really want to do anything with me unless it will benefit himself.He is never wrong, even if he is ,he will still be right. He argues so loud he can be heard at the neighbours [behind and side.]Well i could go on ,will take too long.this probably sounds trivial to me and our kids he is a nightmare.Unfortunately we have a past and children .Even though I feel I dont love him as much as I did, I know the is still somthing there.