5 Things a Man Needs to Do in a Successful Relationship

Gotta tell you. I agree. Marriage counselors are in the divorce business. If their patients actually solved their problems, there'd be no need for marriage counselors. Family of origin charts and excuses and silly little rituals. All you need is a decision to stay married and a desire to be respectful and kind to your spouse and you're most of the way there. The rest is just details and hard work. We did however do to one session that helped immeasurably. The act of stating our problems in front of a third party made us realize that if we didn't fix stuff we weren't going to make it. We realized that we were pretty close to divorce and started talking, compromising and realizing that the arguments were serious and not just blowing off steam. We made our first progress immediately after the session. We agreed the counselor was a nut and decided to fix things on our own. It's worked so far.

Instead of this article being directed at men, it should be directed at those who consider themselves "adults ". The free flowing macho swagger on this board makes me want to throw up. All this talk about being the one in control and being the one who LEADS with his happy little helper make me rage. Guess what macho men? Most women want an equal, adult partnership. This article is great because it's telling little boys to grow the eff up. All these things apply to women as well. Esp. #5 - How the hell did being honorable and disciplined be associated exclusively with having a Y chromosome?

Thanks for this, I was thinking the exact same thing. Since when did reliance, ethics, and honesty become associated with manliness? I would be a poor woman if I didn't have those qualities myself, as well.

When an article is published on womanliness, it would be appropriate to raise these concerns then. This is an article on MANLINESS, and thus discussing that topic. The fact that reliability, ethics, and honesty are considered traits associated with the concept of manliness does not preclude them from also being within the realm of womanliness as well. Until then, please refrain from considering this a competition.

Guys, This is very good advice. I'm smart,educated, fun,successful, honourable and easy going - Ive always had a good life & not worried, worked things out along the way. My very lovely girlfriend of 2 yrs left me a few weeks ago, the reasons were 4/5 of these. I suggest making 100% sure you do them pro-actively and not reactively, or be prepared to hear about it later in a strained conversation at a "neutral location" Hope it helps out there!

This is excellent advice for men. I'm planning to file for divorce from my husband as he is excessively attached to his mother, and doesn't stand up for me. I've been pleading with him to show the above leadership qualities, but cannot take his apathy for my feelings any longer. If only he had followed these principles, we wouldn't be in the position we are today. I'll certainly seek a man with integrity and character next time.

Nicely said!!!

Yes men's roles are changing so fast we can't keep up and so we are lost society has proven it is wrong. This is when man starts his real journey to manhood.1st women don't want you to fix all there problems be a team... she wants you to hear her. Next economics wants are infinite(and you'll find yourself financially and emotionally bankrupt) needs are finite, since when do people know what they need. If a women pushes your buttons til you want to hit you need to get away from her...you cant fix her. Women aren't always right don't let her get the emotional best of you if you know she is wrong but you can no longer communicate well step away regroup and try again...if you cant learn to hold your own in women's jujitsu the relationship is doomed to misery. And that's only the beginning but men need to communicate more with each other. Looks are a great start but if you aren't connected where will your relationship be when you are old and "ugly". In the end women are most attracted to men with personal charecter

I know the article is specifically for men, but all the qualities you have listed are important for woman as well. A marriage is a partnership and there will be things that each will be better at than the other. So, while there are situations of the man to take the lead there are also situations where the woman should take the lead. Personally, I would use the phrase "Be Honorable" instead of "Be manly" for # 5. There is one little thing you left out though. That is to be respectful. You have to respect the other persons views even if you don't agree with them. You have to acknowledge your partners value even if they do not work outside the home. You have to accept who your partner is and not try to change them....That last part is a big one. So many times I have heard people say that they will change their partner once they are married, and each time somebody has said this to me that marriage ended in divorce. So RESPECT is a big thing.

Excellent

Thabk you very much. This helped a lot

Pirke D'Bei Eliezer (attributed to R' Eliezer b. Hyrkanus) brings down a stunning midrash: Eve had relations with "the Snake" (aka the symbol of temptation, lust, etc) & had Cain through this union. If one holds of this opinion, can we cut Adam some slack here? Many other cases can be brought down but I have limited space/time. Ok, I get it, men are always wrong, etc - it's old news. I don't get why modern Jewish educators are always placing responsibility on one side. ''It takes 2 to tango'' was not said by a Rabbi but still holds more true. Today's women are not the same as in ancient times. They are equal in every aspect of society, just as they fought for and deserve, but when things don't go their way in marriage it's all the man's fault. Stop teaching lies to cater to the female audience. In the US men are pressured to give women a 'get' right away (before going through lawyers) but can often times get messed over because the woman refuses to agree to agree to a civil divorce out of spite (due to separation of church & state) & thus the man is an 'aggun' who cannot date or get remarried. Where is the Beit Din to step in after all their pressuring to give a 'get'? & don't even get me started on israeli beaucracy/corruption in their courts/beit din - showing favoritism to women & ashkenazim. Fact is the system always favors women. As educators you need to teach that every case is different in marriage. BOTH sides must work on it and be held accountable. Stop using absolutes like men "always" & women "never", etc. The characters in the Torah are imperfect like us, men & women, they make mistakes & are always expected to take responsibility for their own actions. Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP. As a man in a happy marriage, I understand my responsibility & what is expected of me. In many cases the women are right, but indoctrination like this gives nutty women undeserved ammo to use against their husbands.

It's always good to be more precise than less so. G-d didnt say, "don't eat of the fruit". That's a convenient deselction on our parts. G-d finished the sentence with the conditional: "But if you do, you will die". So in fact, there's no real disobeyance here, there's choice. Just sayin'....

Fabulous article! Helpful, clear, concise, and right-on!

Many thanks for your article which I have found extremely useful and gave me a better understanding and love about men. It teaches a high behavior's ideal (something which is not always taught these days). I also like the way it is concise and right to the point. I would welcome a similar article about women.

The lessons that are mentioned here seem worth to take note. Im a guy whos 17 and ive been in a relation for almost 2 years and ive seemed to change for the worst. I talked to my girl today and she said i wasnt perfect, and i asked her how and this was one of the reasons is because im not manly enough. And reading this is really wanting myself to be a better man. Thanks for these lessons. Worth reading

But manly is not just these! They all say "i'm a man, you should listen to me"! But when it comes to really act about something they run away! Just saying words without meaning doesn't make them men. Sitting on the couch and looking at woman how she comes from work and starts cleaning the house after you, doesn't make u a man. You can not say just is a woman job, i'm the man! If we are used to work cause this is who we are, doesn't make u a better man, makes us better women! But you can help, you can show respect, love, show you are a man. Not just being lazy and rude and heartless is about being a man!

I am 30 years old, have been on match.com for the best part of 4 years, and am beginning to despair. There are certain things that I just cannot find in a man. These things bear no relation to the things mentioned above. I want a man who can meet my emotional needs. I don't care whether or not he makes decisions. It just isn't a deal breaker. And contrary to common belief, I'm not necessarily looking for a leader. Research suggests that Beta males make better partners and from my own experience, I'd say this is true. When I was 20 I thought I wanted an alpha but from years of dating experience, I know I'm happier with a Beta. And this quote about "Manliness" being "the positive qualities of decisiveness, strength in one's convictions, confidence, self-reliance, high moral qualities, self discipline, honesty and integrity. A man who is manly has courage to be able to deal with difficulty, pain or danger without backing away despite his fear." These are just non gender specific qualities. I want a man to have them and I expect a man to want to find these same qualities in me. So what do I want? In short, I want a man who can meet my emotional needs. I need to feel loved for who I am and I can't feel this so long as I do not believe that my boyfriend has any idea who I actually am. I need someone who has conversation skills and who is capable of instigating a conversation even after we've been together for several months/years/decades. Someone who makes an active effort to find out what I think and how I think. I need someone who is interested in my past, in the things I have struggled with and how these have made me the person I am today. And someone who is open about his own struggles, and who is open to me coming to know him completely, and not just the surface personality he presents to the world. Leadership, strength, manliness? Barking up the wrong tree. I've met 100 men with these traits and I haven't wanted to marry any of them.

Ok. I'm seeing too much of the same trend of things believed. I'm only 20 years old and yet I can tell when people are believing bull. You say that men need to make it work and that makes me laugh. I was taught the old fashioned way about love. I don't know if yall heard of it. But ill tell yall one thing and that is you can't make love work. It just happens. But also on the note above about Ben. Giving your darlin a chance or choice in something shows equality not being an idiot or a wimp. And for the paint can thing that was mentioned above is it the fact that she or the woman would question why he is around? This goes back to if it is meant to be then it is. And the fact that you tell him to open paint lids and change light bulbs makes it seem as if we are yalls father and yall are just a baby. I hope no one takes offense though some will but society has got marriage and love completely screwed up for my generation and the oncoming ones.

Ur 20????? Umm, have u been maarried for at least 5 years happily ? Ur were taught??? I am not in a relationship at the moment and only 24. But dude. What is this. R u a specialist, expeieenced. For benefit of doubt let's say 20 yrs experice from when u were born till adulthood in love and marrige. What is this??????

Yo man, where's ur honor and dignity. Did u really just write what I think u did. I am shocked. Comon man, get a certficiater or associates degree in the subject or masters or even phd in the field. Learn it up, then come to ur own conclusions based on a diverse experience , and whealth of knowlege that u gathered. Then write an article on the subject. I am sure u are much better than this. Don't lower ur dignity like this.

Yes, men want a helper, and it seems to me that women want a helper in men, too. Are we not of the same body? And men like to see some self-sufficiency in their mates. Just this past week, my wife decided -- on her own -- to do some painting, which was okay with me. When the day came for her to begin, she asked me to help her take the lid off the paint can! Well, I refused. Did that make me a monster? She seemed to think so. But the result was a woman who did a job on her own, and she did a good job, at that -- which was my goal for her, except that she didn't see it that way (I was not inside watching the game, but being industrious elsewhere around the house).

Mike, you seem pretty satisfied with the outcome of the paint can episode, but I don't think this worked out well for you in the long run. I won't debate, but I will explain: When you open a paint can for your wife, you are her hero; when you refuse to open the paint can for her, she starts asking herself why she needs you around for. Your wife is not your child for you to train in self-sufficiency. She is an adult who every day has the right to decide that she doesn't need you in her life. My advice is, open the paint cans for her, change the light bulbs, and help her get things down from tall shelves. Do it with a smile and a kiss. Be her hero. It really will work out better for you in the long run.

Shoshana has the right of it, Mike. You may think you treated your wife with respect, showing her that she can do more than she thinks. But what you really did was treat her like a child. As a parent, your goal is to wean your children away from dependence on you and to foster self-reliance; to that end you insist on their doing for themselves even things they're not quite sure they can or want to do. But if you're going to insist on your wife's doing for herself all things she's capable of doing for herself, what does she need you for? And by the same token, why should she do for you any of the things she does that you are perfectly capable of doing for yourself? Consider yourself lucky, Mike, that your wife didn't open the paint can and upend it over your head. You would have deserved it.

I have to laugh to myself... because before I read this article I just got off the phone with my long-term boyfriend. I didn't feel like for most of our relationship he took responsibility for his actions, he would make plans with me last minute, knowing that I have two kids and need to make arrangements. But. Still, he would continually make plans and say "what's the big deal, I like to be spontaneous." But to me, he was completely disrgarding that I needed at least a day or two in advance. So, I felt that I just wasn't all that important. What does it cost to make plans a day ahead? Nothing. A lot of things needed to be on on his terms. I would explain to him, what I needed in a relationship to feel that it was working. A 'mutual-fulfilling relationship.' And he would just blame me, which would really frustrate me and just add fuel to the fire. So, this article pretty much sums up a lot of my frustation with him. He's quick to point the finger at me, and makes me feel like I need to work harder in the relationship while he sits back and takes no responsibility, which is exactly why I told him I need to start living my life... single. I do believe both people have their share of responsibility, but I think when a man puts the blame on a woman for things not going well... that's just cowardly. Being that I'm a woman, and this was my 3rd serious long-term relationship, and reading a lot of interesting articles and books. ...I think that as long as a woman feels valued and cherished, and that she's worth it, I really don't think anything bad could come out of that combination, unless she's a very difficult and demanding woman with some serious issues. Being respected, valued and cherished will make most women happy. It doesn't cost a whole lot of $, it's more about being 'present' and aware... and having integrity. Good article.

This article is certainly refreshing, yet I take issue with the statement of "It's up to the man to make it work." Coming from a failed marriage in which I read every book, tried everything I could, there are times when the responsibility lies in the partnering of shared efforts and values. A one sided relationship doesn't work and it's not only up to the man to make it work in my opinion.

My boyfriend and I was reading this wonderful article and he asked me to reply by "thanks" Some mans just read without doing it and some doing it without reading it and that's was the smile on my boyfriends face after we read it together because he have them all and he's alwys trying his best to make me happy with him. Thanks for me too, may May LORD belss the time you think to get them in right and writing for us Well done and more to the best :) Angelina & Matthew

This article is correct except sometimes the woman has to take over eg if the husband is ill or sadly dies.I believe the woman should be our wing man.

As a woman, I love this article. Not that I think women shouldn't take responsibility for their own actions -- they should, of course. But what I love about this article is that this man seems to understand how I myself at least feel. The last thing I want is for my husband to let me wear the pants in the relationship. I am a take-charge kind of woman, but I need my husband to be stronger than I. I need him to TAKE CHARGE and be the man of the house. Yes, he needs to be an ethical fellow, but being in charge can be perfectly ethical. Another commenter said that he is confused by the mixed messages he is getting about what women want. I totally understand that confusion. I myself did not know that I needed to be married to a man who is in charge until shortly before that happened. I could never understand why I felt such frustration and anger towards men who appeared not to want to wear the pants in a marriage. But now I am married to my beshert, who most definitely wears the pants, I feel a peace I have never felt before. He is not a knuckle-dragging caveman type, but he is firmly and lovingly in charge.

The idea that women are good if men are worthy is a rediculous and sexist accusation. Women can be the problem in relationships just as easily as men can be. Is this the dark ages? Since when does a man take his wife around on a leash and accept responsibility for her actions? Using the bible as a reference, I can see how the article could come across as chovinist. However, I happen to agree with a lot of the other things that you said.

Proverbs 19:19 A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again. As a woman, this days MUST of mans never accept there mstikes No matter how much there woman's are good to them. Ecclesiastes 7:5 It is better to heed a wise man's rebuke than to listen to the song of fools. Answering to your question:  It's not the dark ages but it could be the big deferent of age for the  husband making a louts of problem to understand his young wife and the world around him, just like my X husband . Now in the end you where happy to agree with a lot of thinks that said there and that's good to know ONE of man this days agree for his mistakes against woman's .  But remember : "Proverbs 13:20 He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm." I had this question ever in my head, you may can answer it;  Tell me please , when, where can I find such a MAN? !!!!

We do not have an intimate side to our relationship at all. My husband never does anything to help around the house, will not work as he says it is for the oppressor, and believes it is my place to be the homemaker or nest builder. Men are responsible for truth and direction women are responsible for love and nurture. I agree as a christian woman that these principles are correct yet struggle with the implementation. I am 49 and going through the menopause so I have allowed myself to accept my complaints as part of the problem, however I grow inceasingly bored, isolated, lonely and neglected. We have only been married for four years sometimes it feels like thirty years. He is not violent or bad tempered so I tend to console myself with "at least he is not" these things. I understand that love is not all hearts and flowers - he also does not do birthdays, valentines or anniversaries. Adjusting to these conditions are proving to be pleblematic for me. Patience and a meeker heart to enable me to carry on or do I change my husband. It is not a confusing place just perplexing. The world teaches us feminism, equality, stand up for your rights as a women etc, but does not teach you how to do it without hurting those you love. I have issues that need to be discussed in an honest way. Is there a woman who can relate?

where can I get such a man?

As a woman, the article is lacking the sensitivity and intuition that many women do actually feel that they need a man to be respectful and in tune with their feelings. It's great to get information from the text. However, we do know that no one human is perfect and that standards for behavior cannot be extrapolated from the behavior of only one biblical character. As a woman, I did not agree with the premises of this article.

So, I used to think chivalry was the standard, then I was taught in school that modern women think chivalry is insulting, and that a modern relationship is founded upon independence and equal decision making. Fine. But, now that I'm forging a relationship, I am not quite sure which maxim to follow, and it doesn't seem that women know, either. I'm constantly stuck between deciding if I should be assertive in a situation, or more passive; it seems that women (and yes, I'm making generalizations) want their men to be more assertive when they deem them too passive, or leave them more independence when they think men are being too assertive. Either way, I'm very confused, as my parent's lives have been filled with divorce and fighting, so as I try to forge a relationship with an intelligent, kind and assertive young woman, I never know if I should let her be independently assertive like she was before we were dating, assume more control in the relationship, pay more attention to my budding career, spend more time forging my relationship, etc etc. I've seen all of the traps men can fall into, and all the dissatisfaction and contempt women can have over not being satisfied with their men, so can we open up a discussion here for a bit more advice?

I wrote this article and the book it is based on because the ideas that today's men have heard about being a new kind of men have instead led to women being frustrated with them. The goal is to change the world by teaching men the insights about being a man that fathers and other older male role models used to teach younger men. I suggest reading some of the comments from women who say the lack of men understanding that women want a strong men led to the disintegration of marriages.

I've been deeply inspired by your article and realize it's just what I've been missing. I thought it was best to be passive in face of problems and now I know better. I honestly will work on it. Thanks and keep up the good work.

I am faced with a difficult relationship and spiritual situation, and your article has inspired me, reminded me, of who I am in God. As difficult as it will be, I need to, I must, I will apply these principles to the issue at hand. Thank you again for the brisk wake-up slap across the face.

Good nice instructions....

man love woman, weman respect man.

Hello, I am recently separated and would love nothing more than to get back together with my wife whom I love dearly. Can anyone give me some advice to show my wife what she would be losing if we divorced. I am very quiet and do find myself letting her make all the decisions and I don't feel like a man from reading these 5 lessons. I want to learn to be "manly" and have her respect me more and be able to make her happy. One of my issues is that I lack self confidence and self-esteem. Please help!! Thank you

Find your self. If ever you guys want to split, the effect is much more tormenting than living together arguing, especially you love your wife so much you might suffer more I think. Better try marriage counseling first before hastily deciding on divorcing. Because if not, there are tendecies that either one of you will screw up with the next affair that might come. You can't love somebody righteously if the emotional wounds are not yet fully healed. Second thing about that if ever you guys have kids? Think about what they'll feel they have emotions too they bear pressure. But if you think the marriage really won't work, and you both decided to divorce, then go but explain it well with your kids to make them understand. And learn from your mistakes. :) Life is not a game. Imagine whom will suffer, the consequences, the time wasted after everything, the memories etc. It still you guys decision in the end. Godbless.

I dearly suggests that you would watch the movie fireproof. The situation that you're facing, is also reflected in the movie, and very practical solutions are shown for this man to win his woman all over again.

Speak your mind honestly but respectfully. Honor your word by following through. Listen and don't just hear words. I just ended my relationship with a man who wasn't manly. He was nice and caring but he lacked the lessons above.

... not necessarily be strong but don't show your weakness. If you go begging to her she'll walk away. Remember what first attracted her to you and try to go back to being that person. It may be too late, and if it is, then walk away with your held held high (even if you're dying inside)

After reading your comment, I have to say that your wife knows full well what she would be losing. I would venture to say that she is completely frustrated with your lack of "spine" and has for years been wanting a husband who is not"bossy", but takes the helm of leadership. I know a woman who has a husband that never initiates spiritual fostering/mentoring/teaching with their children. He seldom prays with her. She never sees him getting into the word of God. This wife has realized that if she does not initiate a daily time of devotionals with the kids, it will not happen. She has let some weeks slip by to see if he would take the intiative and it never dawned on him to take action. As a matter of fact, when it comes time to sit as a family and do devotionals, Daddy has nothing to offer and will usually find a corner to get comfortable and start snoozing. This "Daddy" has a wife who is completely frustrated and she resents her husband. To that I have to say..."Husbands! Wake up! Get into position. Stop being spineless and fulfill the role that God has given you. With God's help, do your job and do it well. And when you do, you'll have a wife that respects you, and wouldn't dream of leaving your side. Your wife yearns for a partner like that."

Rob, I am going through the same thing right now with my wife of 23 years. We have two kids and this is putting everyone in a tailspin. Try this, tell her you don't buy it. She is going through mid-life crisis and although her life may not be what she thought it would be, does not make you the victim. Insted of going out and buying a porsche, she is filling for divorce. If you love her, let her go and try to find nirvana, eventually she will realize she already lives there, she just needs to realize that, give her some time and space. If you two are meant to be together, she will be back. Hang in there

I think the article is excelent but you are you and even you need counseling is not to convert to another man. You are you and H set the cualities you will born with even before you were created. She was happy with you, she married you, and you are reponsible only for your actions not the way you are, there is nothing wrong to be quiete but there is something wrong to try to impersonate someone irreal to please your wife. Invite her to counseling with a good RABBI.

I'm not even Jewish, though I have studied it a bit, and I LOVE this! I think it should be in WikiPedia under "Relationships." I do want to add one comment here, something that if I could edit it, I would. Under the heading, "Lesson #3: Make Decisions", I would also say that one of those sources should be his wife, or the woman in his life if he hasn't married her yet, etc. All of these things are even true in friendships between men and women. If a man can't act like a real friend, he won't have real friendships. If he can't act like a real relationship-partner, he'll lose his partners. If he can't act like a real husband, he'll lose his wife, even if they never actually divorce. My parents went through this, and they're still married, and my mom has gone between giving up and being a control freak, because my dad just WON'T step up to the plate and be a real man about anything. He acts like a spoiled whiny little boy instead. Where I'm concerned, any man who acts like that is STILL IN DIAPERS. It's NOT MANLY to dump ALL the responsibility on a woman. Fifty-fifty% in shared-responsibility situations, and 100-100% in personal-responsibility situations that effect both people and the family if there is one. My heart hurts so bad now. I don't know that I've ever had a real man in my life. I don't know that I ever will.

To the writer: pretty much dead on. Any self respecting woman wants a real man (also refered to as an alpha male). This indicates someone with high self esteem, self-control, tollerance and strong morals, ethics and boundaries as well as the ability to lead and make decissions, to admit when he is wrong, take responsibility for his actions and keep on growing and maturing in this. For those who have problems grasping this concept, it's biologicaly/geneticaly imprinted and goes back to the wonderfull times where we humans were scavengers roaming this earth. The female needed someone to provide, protect and make decissions. Simple as that. If you don't believe it, give in to every whim your sweetheart has, read every wish from her lips and let her walk allover you (Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome). See what happens to your relation.

This is a utopian vision of a man. Great in theory. But out of 100 men, only a few will barely match up to this vision. North American society has neutered men. In other societies the gender roles are more simply defined. Coincidently those societies have much lower divorce rates and stable families regardless of income

I have to agree, he is one out of 100 men, more actually. He's a good human being. That was my first attraction. He's a good soul. He has had great trials to get where he is. He's my Master and I can say that because I trust him. I am not taking the submissive stance, I am taking the ladies stance. That of a deep surrender. Yes, I guess Utopia does exist. How many people in the world dream of Utopia and yet don't live it. Every man dies but not every man really lives. So many of us just breathing this existence when we should be enraptured with it. It's amazing what a mind can do when it is so full of hope and compassion that it can do nothing else but create it everywhere, like a Midas touch. If the government can control our futures by inventing them I see no difficulty in inventing my own world of majesty and honor. Once there be swords, dragons, and wizards. If it's a car a home and a cat, does not make it less of a castle, it's still bliss it's still real and it's still working.

Yes, I can agree, I need, want, desire, cherish, respect and honour a man. I love men who act like men. With all the above qualities. It allows a woman to be a woman. When he helps her she is softened and forever grateful. That is all good for both. When he takes the lead, she trusts him and he is then invested in her and makes the right decisions. When he takes responsibility she is assured he will not offend. He is now her knight, her king and she will do everything in her power to defend that. She will be at his side and he will be on guard and they will build castles in the sky, rule worlds, create universes. If she has her integrity in place and he his manhood. By honoring each other they also honor God. I am your shield you my sword. I am your lady you my lord. It may sound whimsical but look at the history of great lovers. It's all about honoring the other and the higher self and God.

I totally agree with this. I've been involved with men who were either controlling or who didn't want to rock the proverbial boat, insisting that I take over decision-making. Also, men who are financially irresponsible, or lazy, just aggravate me.

I believe the opinions stated are based on patriarchy. (biblically and socially speaking.) I am not saying that that is good or bad, but just pointing it out b/c it influences what you think a woman wants from a man. I hear what you are trying to say, but I will suggest that a woman wants a partner who can share in all the things you mentioned above. She wants her man to know that they both share the role of leadership collaboratively. They both need to take responsibility, be strong, and make decisions equally and together. In addition she would want him to know that the qualities listed above for manliness are the same qualities a woman possesses. Its a matter of being a healthy, mature, God-centered individual and it has less to do with traditional gender-roles or stereotypes. Thanks for the article...

I think there is more to this,and that is the God factor in any relationship

I find this article to be offensive to women. And to men. Swing and a miss, Mr Katz.

i think this is intresting wel wel wel i think giving it a try i nt somting bad hope it works.

I had a girlfriend that wanted to get married after 5 years of being together. I just was'nt ready to know that she was going to be my wife. She did'nt take responsability, She had no leadership. made no decisions, Was'nt strong,and was'nt womanly. She was fun but none of the above. Imarried a woman that had these features but we clashed bad. Some woman want the role of being the leader of the relationship/ What is your decision in this matter?Do allmen have to be that kind of guy or do we pull back away from reality? Thank you for your time

I have been married for 23 years and agree totally with what you said above. The frustration of living with a partner that does not know (refuses to implement) the five lessons listed above is not only spirit breaking, but legacy damaging as well. My sons learned these lessons early in life (praise God for the resources put in my path to teach)and knowing their father did as well lost total respect for him when he deliberately fused to live them. So sad especially when he blames me just as Adam did for his failures.

Actually im not married yet, but i just wanted to confirm these things and yes its true.At the moment i have a girlfriend and even she expect these quality's even though we are not married yet.thank you again

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be the kind of person (male or female) that is kind, caring and working on personal growth. That's the essence of being a great man AND being a great woman.

I liked reading the five qualities a man should have. It's more like a guideline rather than telling you it's something you HAVE to be like. As a female, I understand Troy's viewpoint too. Women also need to work on themselves so that partners can be balanced in the relationship. However, the article was written to only discuss what a man needs to do. I believe both female and male need to be strong and faithful , and willing to admit mistakes and take responsibility. Watching a show like Cheaters will only display a certain kind of relationship, not all of them. So it's a generalization. I, myself, have caught my partners cheating. It happens sometimes, and more often than not it just means the relationship was not healthy and it was time to move on. I thank the writer for his thoughts. Take care!

In my marriage, my husband and I are equal partners. The qualities you list above are all admirable and each of us should embody them. There is nothing exclusively manly about any of these.

that is the issue here...is that women in modern society do noty recognize what their role is and needs to be and feel as if they are equal to men. Men say Sh'lo asani Isha for a many reasons and there is a distinct difference between men and women. Although admirable that you and many women probably posess these characteristics, it is of greater importance for the man to be a man. Too many Jewish men nowadays are so lax and let the women take the role of being a man that things need to be put in black and white like this fantastic article does. One needs to take a look in the mirror and realize who they are and what their roles are, while sharing a burden or load of responsibility. This 5 step checklist I do not believe says anywhere that a woman should not embody these characteristics, but it does infer that it should be a mans responsibility and natural tendency to be the man. Stop sharing the manly characteristics and allow the man to be the MAN.

I wholeheartedly agree with your statement here. Women these days seem to be offended by the idea that a man can have a role and be manly. Why do women want to be men? I am sure there was actually more women than men that read this article, as to learn how to be better men as women. Do we go around trolling the masses of woman's information bragging about how we have womanly qualities too and that women shouldn't be identifying with them? You should be ashamed for trying to take this away from men you would benefit from knowing these things. there is so little legitimate knowledge out there for mans empowerment that is positive. To empower man is not against woman. The whole world benefits from empowered men, and we all suffer when any of us becomes weak.

It seems you two are too hung up on your gender role. I'm a woman and I love being a woman. I am honest, strong, intelligent, I make decisions and stick to my guns, etc. I'm not trying to be a man, I'm just being myself. Not all of us need some guy to protect and provide for us cause we can do it damn well by ourselves. I think these "manly " qualities are not specific to any gender. They embody an honorable human being. This article is great because it is encouraging very passive men to take a more active role in the reltionship. I am with a passive guy and it depresses me because I want a partner, not a child.

I used your text in my research, i hope you dont mind. As a man i hope i can be a better to my love now, i understand much more now. Thank you again.

i love this so much.. i will ask my man to read this. besides he doesn't take responsibilities and he expect me to be with him forever. i can't so am moving on with someone who can be all this>

Quite lovely , it has really given sucor to my spirit . I love this

Can you imagine the look on a woman's face if there was an article like this, telling THEM where their place should be? Honestly, I see women blaming men more than the other way around. If you want a great object example, watch the show Cheaters. Notice when the woman gets caught, she says things like, "But you're never around." Or they might try to redirect the attention off of them bay saying, "I can't believe you would spy on me!" Since she got caught, obviously his suspicions were sound enough! When a man gets caught on this show, he usually just says sorry and that he feels really bad. Sure, he's probably full of it or just sorry that he was caught, but never-the-less, still a common response.

I love the write up.i wish it could be read by all men.

I strongly believe a man is supposed to be "head of house-hold" if a woman proves she cannot be trusted and does aweful things then she obviously isnt the right woman, and or the man isnt being the right man, maybe the man either not taking on charactoristics and fulfilling of duties that of which is expected of the man or a man.

Anytime someone does something awful to you, it's THEIR fault, not yours. There's rarely a good excuse for being awful to someone. Women should be held accountable for their actions. They're not blindly roaming the earth like some human sized oblivious Olive Oil. If the relationship is bad, she should leave.

I'm 46. I have had my share of relationships with women. I can honestly say that is far easier, and cheaper, for a man to live alone in these times. If you are a man of even modest success and aspiration, you are a target. Women in my age range mostly came of age during the women's movement of the 70's and 80's and trust me, brother, these are humorless, calculating opportunists. Having just handed over half a million in cash and real estate for an 8 year union, not to mention ongoing support, blah, blah, blah., I would caution any sane, rational man who encounters a western women to simply steer clear. Develop a hobby. Travel. Enjoy your kids. This approach has brought me far more peace and contentment than trying to appease a shrew. Poor Ben above will learn this sooner or later. Good ole Miriam will turn on him faster than a rapid pit bull when the chips are down.

I'm 43 years old and it's sad to say, but I found nothing inaccurate with what you said. All any guy who's looking for a relationship can hope for is that rare exception.

I am 45 and have been divorced for 10 years. I do believe men do have a place in the home but I am first generation Italian. On the other hand I would have to agree about totally unrealistic. Women of today are not deserving a man in that position. Not American women.

I will be buying your book and sharing this article with my 4 sons and 2 daughters. Thank you for this encouragement. I have been very concerned for young men living in this age because of not having many role models to learn from. This article will be a tool for me to teach with. God Bless You. Sincerely, Christina Vasta

It seems that #5 is truly a cop-out. Being manly does not always imply ethical, and to say so is a "No True Scotsman" fallacy. Number 5 could have been much more substantial. What about paying attention, or showing compassion, or being respectful? You provide a definition of Manly that includes High Moral qualities and self discipline, but I would argue that these are not necessarily manly qualities. Sure they are admirable, but not essential to the definition of Manly. You failed to mention that "Manly Smell", or "Manly swagger"; these also can make a woman happy, but will not necessarily help in maintaining a relationship. With all due respect, If you were to rewrite this, I would hope you use a better number five. Any one of the items listed after Manly could have been extrapolated to be something more helpful then "Be Manly". I mean no disrespect and I really liked the other 4 items in your list and thank you for stating them here to help us better ourselves.

I think before women start telling us what we need to be doing, they should first check their own backyards.

I will print and share this piece for all men to read. This is one of the best if not the best piece written about being a man I read. Be a man and be a lover to your wife! Lucky is the woman who can have this kind of a man where nowadays it is not easy to find. The trouble is woman in today's world wants equality, so, why does she have to dream for a man like the one describe above. If she wants a a real macho, then she should act and accept her role as a woman. Nevertheless, It's easy to understand that there are many of us men act like not men because the way we were brought up. Like Rabbi Katz said, the father is our role model. So, if the model is weak, what do you expect with the son. ( Is this also the reason many men are becoming dual gender or becoming gays?) The truth is it's real hard to become a man if you were brought up in a home/house ruled by a woman!

All very nice as long as there's' no woman there messing it all up and undermining every decision etc along the way. The choice often is go along with her or leave. Which is it to be? I'm in that situation now. Over the last 2 years she wouldn't listen, I have no savings left after spending them all on her new house extension/car etc. now there's nothing left to pay the mortgage and I'm totally bled dry. There will be no retirement, no pension etc as she has already spent it all. I've also given her big bulk money payments in the past to clear her debts. As she is much older than me and refuses to take responsibilty for her own body (she is WAY overweight) she will likely now die on me, leaving me penniless and homeless as she will not even put the house in joint names. So she has ruined my life, ruined my future. I see nothing ahead apart from hopefully the release of an early death. But I'm the unreasonable one that needs to grow up because yes, you guessed it, I'm the greatest of all sins: a MAN. We have no children and she will not work. IME, too many women will not listen to reason and behave like children, then turn around and say it's their husbands that need to grow up. Then wonder why their husbands 'irresponsibly' run off. We go because we can't take it any more. It's a case of leave or strange her! So we leave. Yes, men have responsibilities but so do women. Or does the bible actually, in the Adam and Eve story, teach us that women are in fact evil and not to be trusted. Would Adam have put up with the 5 day sulk that would ensue when he refused the apple? Seems to me women want all the rights without the responsibilities that go with them..and when things go wrong? Blame the man.

Phil I hear your despair. The answer is in the Talmud -- if you are worthy, she will be your helper. Change your own behaviour. Become a leader who can inspire your wife to respond positively to you. Your current way of doing things is obviously not working. Think of positive strategies.to encourage her to get a job, take care of herself and not run up debt. Nobody wants to hear a man say he is a victim of a woman.. This is an exciting opportunity for you to learn to grow stronger and handle these situations. A leader leads. He doesn't need his wife to tell him to lead. A leader expects people to try to undermine and disagree with him. Re-read this article and then read the book it is based on "Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants." You can turn this into an exciting opportunity to grow. Women also have responsibilities, but a man can only change himself. By changing yourself, you will change the world, including your wife, around you.

I REALLY wish men were like this, but unfortunately they aren't. From my experience many men are far too happy to take the easiest option to them, even if it isn't the 'right option'.

What an amazing blog. I have found this blog very interesting because I have gotten the most read information. This blog help me out otherwise I don’t know how much time I have to spend for getting right information.

my only problem is i have read this several time but its hard for me to put it in practice. I need help!

very nice opinion.

I wish every man getting into any serious relatonship would read this article and USE IT LIKE A HANDBOOK

Thank you for this article. Truely men need to be strong. I quote you."any man who can control his anger is better than a physically strong man who can conquer a city". It was something that really prompted to searching for this article. Pls i need a feedback to this question. What do i do to a man who is thinking that i'm lying and cheating on him,and never seem to understand my feelings.

I am a separated man who would give anything to have my wife back, and the answer to your question, trust him and he will trust you,make sure you don't spend time texting your girlfriends without him knowing, it can create suspicion, and last of all, love him like you did when you first met, you can't lose then. Alll the best wishes .

Personally, I can agree with these statements above, and I can also disagree. What I can tell you is this, from my experiences. Men have a certain way of thinking and we (men) universally call it "logic". If we ask you a simple question, and you cannot answer it without conviction, then we will ASSUME you are lying. Is this right? No. We might just be intimidating. So it is your mans' responsibility to understand how he asks the question and it is YOUR responsibility as to how you answer it. We don't like games, we do not like to have our questions answered with another question in a defensive manner. For example, I state, why do you have to always go out with your girlfriends and come home drunk? If your answer is, you always do it, so why is it wrong for me, then that will definitely make someone believe there is something suspicious. The correct answer, to a guy, is a compromise and something along the lines of this, if this is truly how you feel. "Baby, I think its good that we spend times with our friends, the way we always do. Do you feel that I am going out way too much?" If he's a pretty mature guy, he will answer something like : "Well, I just worry about you hun and I don't want you doing something you might regret later, why can't you guys have dinner one day and you come back home a little buzzed. As a man, I feel it is my obligation to take care of you and take over when I see you are clearly not able to handle yourself or your alcohol. Please, just drink a little bit less, have fun, but just don't make me have to take care of you every single week. Again, this is just like a random scenario, but the tones should also be calm and caring. No man likes to be yelled at, and I believe, as above, it is the same with women. Don't yell at us, we're human too. Where you might cry, we might be very silently upset. We don't control our sad emotions, we have to be strong for you guys and sometimes its hard to remember to not be strong at that moment!

I really love this article. My concern is that beautiful souls, whether they be men or women try to fit themselves into a box defined outside of who they are and outside of the situation of their soul's need for growth. We really do choose partners who are ezer c'negdo. As a woman, it is my opinion, that the deeper each spouse gets to know the other, that G-d will show each person the soul path appointed to them. The ezer c'negdo is our beautiful mirror. The "submissive" (whatever that means) partner in the relationship has a soul path to follow. It is my opinion that each couple should find the balance that is suitable for their household. This requires mutual respect, and a true desire for each spouse to have the greater good of the partner (and household) at a very high priority. It has been my unfortunate experience that when gender roles are defined outside of the actual experience of the couple, that they denigrate into judgmental discussions, and carry with them a sense of self-righteousness for the person who feels they are matching more closely to the specified gender role. Love and respect will go far with this very complicated model.

A mature, clear and inspiring guide to a man's role in a world plagued by confusion and ambiguity. Thanks for doing the research and concisely pulling together the relevant threads of wisdom inherent in Bereishis. This stands to help a lot of uncertain guys who've been seriously misled about the definition of a real man.

Please, I need some feedback :see comments by anonymous on 8/17 under "lack of respect". I am desperately seeking advice about what I've written and well as my role in this relationship because I know that I should take the iniatiate some of the time instead of purposely waiting for him to make a decision which he doesn't then I'm upset and he isn't or at least he acts like my mood doesn't bother him because he will change the subject and usually start talking about a tv program or anything to diffuse the situation instead of addressing the issue at hand. I know making the decisions and coming up with ideas to strengthen our relationship would make it easier for him and I to get along more amicably, but it just infuriates me more and more each day seeing how our roles are reversed. His mother is the controller with her husband who is very docile and meek and they both seem content with that. She had remarried and ex-husband (who is his father) was a mean and controlling man which may be a factor of why he is so timid. He was never taught or shown how to be a strong decisive man in a relationship. I have tried to get him to read E. K.'s article one night and pretended to be asleep so he would feel comfortable knowing I wasn't watching him read it, but once he saw the heading he put it down. My next step is for us to go together to a bookstore and sit down and individually read it and suggest that we both buy a copy.

It must begin with him. I'm not going to say that your efforts will be entirely wasted, but people don't change unless they want to. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't a man, and it took a failing relationship and a failing life to force me to action. I don't think you will ever have the relationship you want and deserve as a woman until you find another man. You can wait... and wait... but I think you already know this. Women can't create men. They make babies, and babies grow into boys. And unfortunately, most boys never grow into men. But men do exist. It's your job to find one, not make one.

When he wants you to make a decision, say "you decide" and don't say another word. Let him decide and praise his decision. Promise him something he really likes to read Elliott Katz's book "Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants." The problem is that many men believe they are pleasing the woman by letting her be the leader and make the decisions. This is what men heard growing up. Give him EK's book and tell him, "If you really want to please me and make me happy, read the book -- this is the kind of man I want."

I'm in a relationship with a man that I feel has weak qualities. Alrhough he tries his best to satisfy me, he doesn't know what to do unless I tell/ask him to do it and then he becomes awkward at whatever he thinks I want him to do. He waits for me to be the 1st to react on every level of our relationship. Instead of accepting blame for whatever was wrong or omitted, he will wait until I bring up the subject and use an excuse or just ignore his contribition to the problem and/or become loud, argumentative and defensive instead of taking leadership and finding a solution and preventing occurrence. He will remain silent waiting for me to tell him what the problem is, what he should do next, etc. or just hope the problem will go away. It infuriates me to love him knowing that he waits and expects me to make all the decisions, whatever I want is fine with him, if I step forward, he steps forward, if I step back, he steps back, if I remain in one spot he does also. It seems as if I can't separate love from obedience. I want him to be a leader and not have me lead him. I am and independent woman and can be overbearing and controlling but it's only because he's content in being submissive, but his lack of taking charge as man of the house infuriates me and I cringe whenever he tries to become intimate because his actions when approaching me are timid, awkward and cautious and usually done when he thinks I'm asleep. I realize I'm responsible for whatever he's lacking in confidence , but I cannot take full responsiblity of his inability to fulfill his role as being a man. Lack of respect for him diminishes the fact that he is a kind man. He uses the lack of money as an excuse for our failing relationship, but that is not the case, I want him to think, decide and act on his own and to take charge of his home. I will become a better partner to him, please direct me to a site that will be helpful to both of us.

Tell him to read Elliott Katz's book Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants. Tell him this is the kind of man you want. It will make a difference

you r staight to the point! You cannot find somebody desirable if there is no or little respect for him together with some other things. Respect is something you earn and it is up to him to earn it! You can direct him to a website, you can tell him about other men improving themselfs by reading books on self improvement and earning respect but it will not have the same effect on you. How did you get together with him in the first place? Was he different? Remind him of that if that's the case... He has to start with himself and gain respect for himself first! Take care! MRX

You are the first person who I have come across to feel exactly the way I feel, and am in the same situation. I am so tired of feeling like I am in control and head of the household. I am so tired of him not taking responsibility with anything, he just waits for me to do it. Needless to say after all of these years, our marriage has drifted apart and unless he makes some changes I do not see it becoming any better.

OMG I thought when I read this I must have a twin! Everything you wrote here I feel! BTW money doesn't change things...because we finally got to a place where we are okay financially and that "chip" on the shoulder didn't leave!!

I have been reading through this website and everything i am reading.. i believe will help my relationship..how do i get him to read this stuff and see some of the things i have been saying will help, and do not make him weak or less of a man? we love each other so much but we have so many obstacles in our way right now,

It's a nice article but the lessons learned from Bereshis are based on a misreading of the text. Adam doesn't blame Eve for the sin, he blames G-d "the woman YOU sent me". It doesn't make sense for someone to tell their boss they disobeyed a direct order because a co-worker said it was ok, on the other hand if the boss sent them the co-worker... For elaboration listen to Rabbi Gottliebs series on Bereshis. Nonetheless, the lessons sound about right. Yishar Koach!

Adam never asked God for a wife; God saw his need and acted on it. Adam's punishment is by far more severe than the woman's for this act of disobedience that is NEVER called "sin"; we shouldn't either. Eve is only so named, i.e., Havah, OUTside the garden.

Me and my future wife argue due to my family Some time they say thing or do thing that are hurt full and i don’t realize them because i lived at home all this time. my future wife see it and she gets upset but i dont see it.I love her very very much how can i learn to stand up to my family .i was raise by a single mom that raise 3 boys left her country to come her was not only a mom but a dad. I never saw a man in my life that could teach me how to be tuff.dont want to argue with her no more ,don’t want her to hate my family i don’t want to seem that I’m defending my side when i know they are wrong.

you need to listen more and become a better observer. becoming tough is not the real issue here. the real issue is becoming more aware of what is going on around you. instead of simply being part of the flow of everything that is happening, you need to take a step back and think of yourself as someone who is there to watch what is happening--someone whose role is to keep track of what is going on during the interactions between your fiance and your family. Instead of being a participant, you need to be her protector. If you begin to really see yourself in this way, then you will start 'hearing' things in the conversations much differently than you do now. You will begin to pick up on peoples' actions and gestures in very new ways, as well.

I disagree!

http://artofmanliness.com/2011/02/02/lessons-in-manliness-from-atticus-finch/

Thank you. I'm so tired of reading "IT'S NOT A MAN'S FAULT" I doen't get why men as a whole step up and accept their roles and are the lead of the family TEAM. Thank You....I wish you could speak to my husband in person and tell him to step up and be the lead or get out.

my wife always asks me to tell her my plans for the family, whatever i tell her she says is not a good plan.can you please advise on how to put forth my planning strategy, I want to show her a development plan.what could be some of the things she want to hear me say.Please advise me .I love my wife and my family

it seems you worry too much about not to do anything that she does not like. She does not want that from you. When it comes to planning: do the planning, but do not tell her - or worse - ask her. Just work your plan and have results with her. Even if you do something she does not (normally) llike, she will absolutely appreciate the attention and love she gets from you by doing anything for or with her.

Thankyou! :)

Get the Book 'Garden of Peace' by Rabbi Shalom Arush, it is very good. I read it often and will re-read it to help me as a husband. http://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=4&sqi=2&ved=0CCsQFjAD&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FGarden-Peace-Marital-Paperback-Shalom%2Fdp%2F5495321065&rct=j&q=Garden%20of%20Peace%27%20by%20Rabbi&ei=_8nwTdjfKIy6vwPv9-WhBA&usg=AFQjCNEUniUShFlTpsS4vqGXLTxZjewzLQ&cad=rja

I have been looking for a book to help my husband understand how I feel. I do not want to change him, but I want him to understand how his behavior makes me feel. I finally decided to use a couple of good articles on successful relationships and this is definitely one.

i accept everithing she do because i love her but she make to much mistake after that she deside live me

OMG this is the greatest article I've read today!! this is exactly what i need to send out to my significant other which whom i live with!! this is essential information that I've always knew but my man never seems to understand when I communicate the matter with him. I will now email this article to him so that he can see and realize what he is doing wrong! how nice it is to find something helpful at the right time!=) THNX

you love this

At almost 30 years, the resentment has set in on me but I am trying to be faithful to the marriage so when I read this article, it says exactly as I envision a strong man. Thank you. I've forwarded it on to my husband with a request for us to discuss it over dinner.

Thanks for showing me this five ways for me to know how to be a man in my relationship and how to be a good leadership to my wife and family.

Why hide behind what anyone including your woman "may" think instead of dealing with "what is". It sounds like another excuse not to make a hard call when one is needed. If you want to be seen as the Man but yet do not want to deal with the inevitable disagreements that come with marriage, then you shouldn't be married. This comes with the package, never ending communication, negotiations, arbitration and hopefully ultimate resolutions. But in the end it is quite clear that the true man is responsible for what happens in his life, with his home and family. Period. Making the really "hard decisions" not the "right decisions" is not for the faint of heart. It requires you to set a higher standard of integrity for yourself in spite of what others may think about you or those who may not agree or understand. It didn't say to bulldoze, just to make the ultimate call and live by it. I think this attitude comes out of fear of being wrong. There is no person on earth who can tell you precisely "what and how to perfectly do it" Being a man is about being brave in handling the wave of Good or Bad that comes when any decision is taken. This is being a patriarch and a true leader. My father was such a man and to this day his wife and 9 children worship the ground he walks on. He didn't always make the popular or right decision - when that happened he would say “dang it that one got me” apologized and said he'd do better next time, and he would. He never let anything go without his full attention, he was fully in charge - I hated it but respected him for it too. We didn't expect him to be invincible just responsible enough to take the hit and keep walking, that's manly in my books. Think Michael Landon in Little house on the Prairie. He didn't always make the perfect choice but he made the best choice for him and his family at any particular time and stood by it.

I was brought up to be fully capable of taking care of myself and any children I might have because at any time I might be left to do just that. A bus could hit my spouse, or he could leave, or he might get left. So I do not need anyone to "depend on" and be a hanger-on or useless, dragging appendage. I can stand on my own feet and do not NEED a support to keep from being helpless. I was raised not to BE helpless and pathetic. I WANT a partner who does his half of the work of caring for the home we SHARE, since I do my half of bringing in the money to operate it. I want one who shares the goals I have, and doesn't SAY he does before we marry and then afterward try to shove his real goals onto me and change everything about who I am. I was beaten and will not be so again, physically or mentally. I raised my son just fine alone for 13 years, and he is a good teen. I did not NEED a man to make sure I was doing everything right. When I chose to be married again, I was seeking love and caring and friendship and emotional support and shared future security and a happy and tender relationship, not a controlling, overbearing brainwasher to tell me how to live. I did not want a man to WORSHIP.

Example - My wife and I were looking at furniture - I gave my opinion on several selections and of course I suggested that she purchase the piece that she liked best and that I would be happy with whatever she chose. Several weeks later she was upset because she felt that the one we purchased was not the one she liked best and that I had influnced her to get the wrong one. I let her decide and look were it got me. On another purchase she got mad at me because I refused to give my opinion an a purchase because I would be blamed if it turned out that she didn't like it. I just can't please this woman - she is a real sweetheart but I can't deal with her sometimes. Most of my friends have the same type of situations with their Jewish wife's. She is late for something - I get blamed - she misses a movie or TV show - its my fault - after 34 years of marriage I just let it go in one ear and out the other. I am Jewish my wife is Jewish and all of my friends that are married to Jewish women tell me of the same problems with their wife's. My friends married to non Jewish women seem to be the happiest. Are there any normal Jewish women out there - it is a little late for me I guess!

Read Mr. Katz's book "Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants." The book explains to men, like you, who complain that they let their wives make the decisions and then are blamed for the outcome: You're the man and you are responsible for what goes on in your home -- whether you made the decision or you let your wife make it. Lettng your wife make the decision does not let you avoid responsibility. You are not pleasing her because you are avoiding making decisions to avoid responsibility for the outcome. Reading Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants"changed my life. Here's the advice you need:. Read the book and start being the man!

You may love the book but does your wife? What good is it to your marriage if your wife will slowly grow to resent and hate you for being a control freak? Marriage is about give and take, about considering each other's opinion before making a decision. If it's something that one of you is most concerned with/having to live with then that is the person that ultimately should make that decision after hearing the other person out and the other one agreeing to let him/her do something even though he/she is not entirely pleased with it.

All of those issues are about material objects.Some times you just have to let it go. When the matter is one of your families health or well being, you should always step up.

Dear Anonymous I am very saddened by your comment. Do you really think that it is because you are both Jewish that you get frustrated in your marriage,and do you really think those married to a non Jew are happier? The message is clear. Your wife loves you very very much. She is not " still with you" because she gave up on the relationship,but because she thinks that YOU are the most wonderful man on earth,while she is very aware of your shortcomings and she is there to reveal the diamond inside you.only aJewish wife can do that,as she was programmed todo itby the Almighty. She cares.she tries to get you into her life ,and make you interested. She is old enough to chose things without your imput, but she wants to make you feel a integral part of her life.and for that you should be grateful. Get close to her.value her work. Compliment her and know that she has been put next to you for your sole benefit: she is the only one who loves you enough not to be afraid to push you to your limit for you to become a better person and let your true colors shine. You are very lucky.טקסט1

You are great, good ideas and goon links between word of God and real life.

Enjoyed reading this, have had to deal with this, if man stop blaming others and owned up to their weakness and be what God wanted them to be in...the head of the family, a woman would respect and honour them.

and some women need to be willing to let us "step up". people usually get what they put into things...relationships and other people included. And women ALSO need to practice what is preached here (in principle)...if you want us men to do the best to please and love and take your needs as primary, DO the the same to us and be the best wife possible. If he wont respond or takes you for granted...then maybe your choice wasn't the best ?!? there are reasons for everything...

How after reading this does your first response come out by stating... And women need to be willing to LET us STEP up... Wow... that... is... sad. Your the man take ownership, the woman is not the one in charge, the woman has a say so because when your married a man and a woman aren't independant of each other anymore... they are now one unit. With this being said a man is the head of his wife, your the protector, the provider, women are emotional in nature. Communication is key in every relationship, talking with and to your partner are crucial happenings that need to occur in a relationship. If you can successfully talk to your spouse, and successfully respect your spouse to see things from there perspective, then you both should be willing to compromise and come to 1 decision.

All men should read this. Men need to learn to STEP UP.

All women should read this. Women need to learn to stop having HIGH expectations and UNREALISTIC expectations.

We've been married over 27 years with plenty of ups and downs and one thing that my wife and I both realize is that immature behaviors, on both parties part, can hinder a relationship. In answer to this, the above five things are a great start. Ladies, if your husband reads this, he should take action on them. But, and it is a BIG but, do not nit pick him for trying and working on himself to fulfill them. (Also I've heard that men have just 3 reasons why they won't date a woman a second time, women have 300 reasons) Also, understand that personalities at work in a relationship. When my wife and I both took the Myers-Briggs test my wife looked at both her and my results and said, "You mean to tell me you have'n't been doing those things all these years just to make me mad!" LOL. She now realizes she can't change my personality, only helping me get better at my responsibilities. Here's quote I found: "Woman was made from man's rib. Not from his head to top him. Not from his feet to be trampled upon. But from his side to be equal to him, from under his arm to be protected by him, and close to his heart to be loved by him." Oh, and if you notice, Eve ADDED to what they were commanded NOT to do: Commanded not to EAT it, she stated not eat NOR TOUCH IT. Who added that?

Interesting that once man had committed his first sin, he started the "pass the buck" routine! He blamed Eve, and she, in turn, quickly learned from him and blamed the serpent. One would assume the serpent looked around for someone to blame, but no one else was there. And God did not in a rage send Adam and Eve out of the garden. He dressed them in hides and explained why they had to leave, making it a loving but necessary separation. Men do need to step up and take responsibility for himself and his wife, even in today's world where women are so independent. Many working wives are now returning to the home and welcome his accepting the leadership position, if he is strong enough and is bolstered by his caring love for her and their children. They do not need a dictator, just a fair and loving, nurturing leader who cares very much for his family's welfare.

our Anonymous explain his situation very well, In my view 99% of people are different from each other,hate and argument to solve it couples must understand each other and must find out the flaw and must take instant actions before it get serious ,am unmarried ,i don't know whether i can stay in this pact after my marriage only time can reveal it ,mutual respect is important in any kind of relationship (weak in english sorry)

Hi I'm a 30 yr old man who definitely agrees with this article 100%, in my case though the roles are reversed My wife would come home after a long days work tired and angry and I would be very loving and understanding of her situation We both work She complains everyday and night about how we can't pay our rent, utilities, car payments, etc Pretty much anything that has to do with "money". Every night she would cry herself to sleep and wake up in an angry mood. Even though she doesn't spend a penny for herself she still complains about all this. Whatever happened to being happy with your lot like what it says in Pirkei Avos? Her father passed away 6 years ago and all of her father's business and investments went to her which lays all the responsibility onto her. I empathize with her on all her complaints and always have patience to listen to her. There are some times where she'll ask me what to do about our situation and I would tell her what to do but she wouldn't listen because to her it doesn't make sense. So I think to myself, why bother giving advise when she doesn't want to take my advise so I'll let her decide. Yet she'll complain that I'm not being the man of the house. But wait, I thought I was when I was making a decision originally? I know that in the economy today everyone that I know personally is struggling more than us. I think if she can understand that concept she wouldn't be acting the way she is. I know if I was the wife and she was the husband I would NEVER blame the husband for our situation. I would be understanding. Knowing that the divorce rate keeps getting higher every year because of money only shows me that today's women only focus on money and not actually helping each other grow together and change to improve their personality traits for the better like described in Pirkei Avos. HUGE fan of Pirkei Avos. My favorite is perek bais mishna yud gimel which is key to making a marrige successful. Attention all women, focus on a good heart!

#5 sums it up perfectly. Thank you.

When you do not have a role model to teach you the way to be a good husband it is important to seek solutions to issues. My husband of 6 months (after a 4 year engagement) continues to make excuses for his actions. While trying to calmly communicate with him, it almost certainly turns to anger. I've searched high and low for ways to get him to step up as a husband but until I found this article I had no idea how much of this was the problem. I have forwarded this to him in hopes that he reads the words and that God opens his heart to accept how much change needs to occure. Sadly, I was against getting married until our issues had been worked through yet after pressure I gave in hoping it would get better. If you are planning on marriage or struggling....pass this on.

Thank you! These wonderful words of advice now hang on my refridgerator door, they are a daily read!!!

Excellent article. Should be printed in all our Jewish Newspapers. Perhaps, there would be less breakdown of relationships.

You have done greatly. Keep it up.

cudos to the writer!!!!!!!! this is a must read for nigerian men....most men are afraid of being judged good men...for the simply fact that people think nice men are weak....this is in my view is so wrong as men who are a strong emotional support to their partners are a deying their patners of a loving intimate relationship,men please grow up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you will be so much for it.

I agree with everything in this article. What bothers me are all of the comments from men stating that Mr. Katz has missed the mark. Mr. Katz starts by quoting Torah. If these men have a problem with anything in the artcle, they need to take it up with the "original" author!

i love these 5 tips. Best thing I ever heard about Adam not taking responsibility for his actions. This has always amused me, but i did see the serious flaw in this action. This is the best advice ever I have read. Congrats. to the person who wrote it. I have printed it for a very dear male friend of mine who is 26 , I am a young 64 and we have the best relationship I have ever encountered.i love the honesty and respect we have dor each other.

I have found some similar advice in only one other well written book from another author, and your top 5 is a welcome reminder and summary. I will definitely check out your book. Too bad I had to sift through so many hits of poorly written advice to women in Google before I found this worth while article addressed to men.

A woman needs to know her husband is her best friend emotionally and is there for her no matter what, to nurture one another intellectually and visa versa, physically, financially, and constantly with humor and respect, it has to be an equal partnership, an absentee husband or wife who are there in body and not in mind create a dysfunctional,disorganized, chaotic, family relationships.

What Five Torah suggestions do us girls need to be what Men really want?

Thank you for this great advice and insight from Torah!! God has given man the awesome privilege and divine responsibility to lead. How sad I am that our media has misportrayed husbands and fathers in such a disrespectful and demeaning manner!!! Not what the Almighty intended. Thank you!!!!

I'd say that "a helper against him" means that, being against certain things (anger, stupidity, indecisiveness), a woman can actually be the man's helper. She's like the wall in squash game — you do something, and then you get it back. Treat her badly, and you'll get it all back in your face. That way she's helping you become a better person.

Great advice. Will the author be coming out next with the 5 lessons for the women?? I find that there are way more articles for men on how to conduct themselves in relationships. Almost feels like we are conceived as cluless creatures being tamed. Many of us give our hearts and souls into our marriages and don't get the same in return. I do not however see as many articles for women and that's not really fair. A woman can build a home and also destroy one.

I like your 5 points lesson for the Man, what about the woman. "marriage is not a field harassment but of harmony"

II take responsibility for my actions. This includes finding solutions to issues, being decisive, accepting responsibility and growing in that responsibility! Set those goals, man, set those goals!

I think if all of these are followed the man and the relationship will benfit. Its hard to apply all of these though as blanket advice for all marriages and or relationships. The author should perhaps give actual examples of how to apply these to real life examples. How should a man act to a controlling and angry wife? In what ways should a man put these into action when man has a personality disorder? I guess what I'm saying is take all of the advice but make sure that you as a man do not feel as though you are falling short if you can not do all of these things all of the time. Its the effort that is important, and that it is done with a good heart.

I don't need a leader, I am the best leaderfor myself. Just take responsibility for you actions.

Brilliant!

I totally agree with what i read, not saying that women dont have a role to play, but God intened for the man to be the head. So stop blaming women for your faults, and man up an take your proper role in life,be responsible for your own actions,make mature decisions, and be the man you were designed to be since the begining of time.

Great article. You are so correct. Going to get your book. Think men of all religions need this wisdom.

I do not agree at all with this author a relationship is 100 percent on each side giving and receiving if a person is not pulling his or her weight then the boat sinks. A relationship is about giving and receiving its not only the man what world is this author living in i never heard of such idiotic statements. A women has to be the back bone of the man she needs to bee caring sensitive loving. im sorry it doesn't work one way in life.

I have heard those words come from my Girlfriend, Many of these areas I have let her down. I am the type of person that not only needs to hear these words but must read them as well. I am glad that I found this site today. Things happen for a reason.

I would agree with Ted, that the woman probably should not send this article to their husband. Rather, men should send it to their buddies. I'm glad I read this article and will use the elements from it, as guidelines in my own marriage.

Excellent. Well written, much needed wisdom. Reflects the timelessness of truth and the citations help make it quire credible

These ideas may be good for men to hear, but the suggestion that wives send this article to their husbands, as my wife did to me, is a poor one. There is nothing empowering when your wife tells you to be more manly and decisive, only humiliating and emasculating. This is man talk: what men need to tell men, not what women need to tell their husbands. Women should focus on what they can and should do to make their marriages better, and men need to focus on their own role, and the two should not try to manage the other person's life or business.

Finally a good marriage article that speaks to the man's responsibility (and not just saying "give the kids a bath when you get home and bring your wife flowers") and the TORAH point of view of what aizor kenegdo really means. Well done. I will buy your book for my sons!

Agreed - you have to tread the fine line between letting your spouse breathe, and not being dictorial, but on the other hand, not being a wimp, and standing up to someone or something which may be wrong. IF you really love your wife, you will be willing to fight for her, and fight for what she believes in as well. Simple as that.

From a woman's point of view.... AMEN, too!

because you made a lot of people mad. When there are articles for women about how to succeed in marriage, those suggestions also makes the women mad. It should be obvious that it needs to be 100 percent on both sides, and that we will all fall sometimes. My suggestion: if you're mad when you read this: look in the mirror and see how you really need to grow from this discussion! This article does not address what the women need to do to be responsible; one article can't do it all! Good for you Elliott Katz, keep writing and stirring up the pot.

A mentsch can be a man or a woman who has those qualities listed --decisiveness, confidence, self-reliance, self-discipline, honesty and integrity. (Remember the "Eshet Chayil " the ideal woman of valor). And two people can help each other grow in these positive qualities. Our sages also said, "In a town where there are no men, be a man." Be the mentsch! Develop yourself as a human being! Then there is someone with whom to have a relationship.

Successful relationships do not require that we BE anything other than who we are, and accept our partners limitations as well as our own, and capitalize on each others' strengths. And (get ready for it) with honesty and integrity, HELP EACH OTHER to overcome their limitations from a place of love and caring. THAT's what partnership is about. The moment we say someone falls short of our expectations, and we set up hoops for them to jump through to prove they are "worthy" the relationship is doomed. Everyone is worthy of love, affection, honesty and trust in a relationship. Creating a list like this that says if you are not these things, you are not a good man, is about the most destructive thing I can think of. There are a lot of good and wholly unappreciated men out there. Homer Simpson? Really?

AMEN, AMEN, AMEN! Thank you!

I don't watch the Simpsons so maybe I'm missing something here. But generally, I think this is good advice for both men and women. We are raising both our son and our daughter to do 1-4, and with regard to No. 5, I'd change it to "be a good person" or "be a mensch" (colloquially not a gender-specific term). In our home, I make decisions in my areas of expertise, and my husband does so in his. And if it's a big decision, we both discuss it, research it if necessary, etc. I'd also add that if a couple agrees that one spouse will be working long hours because that's what needed to support a family in these difficult times, then the one who's home more should not be complaining about the other's unavailability. Again -- if it's a big problem, I'll wait for us to work it out togeter, but if it's the mundane everyday stuff, I'm perfectly content to pick up the slack at home because my husband needs my (emotional) support just as much as I need his financial support (I'm unemployed due to disability.)

Great article written by an -I'm sure- wonderfull admirable man

Thank you for the fine article. I am afraid that a man cannot be a man unless he has the proper environment. If he tries then there is a good chance that he will wind up in divorce court unless the environment is there. Let us be honest here and this means concrete. Who has no problems with letting the husband be in charge of all the finances? Or, is it the case of "I have my account and he has his account." There are other scenarios but based on my experience a man is usually not allowed to be a man in this culture. Even in our own culture we have begun to look to the ways of the secular world and blame the "father" for our ills. There was a recent article about a young lady who wrote about her father being emotionally abusive and all the comments supported her. I could not believe it. We did not have our facts and we took that father (man) and threw him into the garbage dump. Any man reading that must have reflected on his future fate and how he should behave. The answer was easy: be like a woman. Make sure that your words are soft. Make sure that you do whatever everyone tells you lest you end up as an example on some blog some day. Nobody knows what strength is anymore and the fact that it comes from the same place that some nastier parts of us are born. We have forgotten the fact that as of 40 or 50 years ago some of us had very little to eat and we were told by our parents that our place was in the corner with a book. We have forgotten that as husband and wife we had barely enough time for the necessities of life and we would have laughed at this actualization nonsense. It has been brought about by the woman's movement. Men have been made female and now females want to have them back but not fully cooked but still kosher.

When my husband wavers about making a decision, I ask him if this is an issue he wants to get invovled in. Sometimes he just doesn't want to get involved, or be bothered about the details of certain issues. I respect that. And then I make the best decision I can. Comment #1 was also interesting, about a wife who wishes her husband would someitmes say "do what you want".

very good article. In the U.S. there seems to be less & less "men," they have forgotten what a man is. I personally think some women have had to step into their role and our children are hurting from that. Please, if you are a man, be a man, love your wife, take her on a date, listen to her, especially about finances if you are not good with them, don't sit on the couch and expect to be waited on, find something to do around the house, spend time with your children, one on one with them, teach them to have chores, listen to them. My husband only cared about himself, my girls are okay but my son is completely lost, in college, and has no idea who or what he is. It is so sad.Some have commented that a marriage is 50/50, i disagree, it is 100/100. try to work somewhere and only give 50%, it doesn't work.

This is what I have been trying to share and explain to my husband for 14 years. Thank you, thank you for writing this. I emailed it to him, but after all these years I'm afraid it will not make a difference. I am so tired of carrying the burden of my marriage and feeling like a single parent most of the time. It is not fair to any of us and would be so easily remedied, if he took notice of the five things men can do for a successful relationship. I feel most times that I was put here to fix him (be against him) instead of help him. I am made to be and would prefer to be the helper! Thanks again. Keep these coming!

so, my wife defines my personhood AND manhood? So, what happens if my wife dies? Am I no longer "a Man"? What if HER expectations are unrealistic? Immoral? Illegal? Then what? Does your feminist-washed brain catch on to what I'm getting at? Every woman's list of expectations differs from other women. My wife's expectations today are different than yester-years. Her expectations today will likely change by next year. If i depend on HER to define my manhood, I will suffer a loss of manhood everytime her expectations change. She'll have me chasing my tail! In your system, there are no objective standards for "manhood" so you have done nothing to "clear this up" for us. You simply want men to lay aside other subjective standards and adopt their wives subjective standards. The whole issue of men being confused about their "manhood" is caused by subjective standards, which too easily change at the whim of others. To settle the confusion, men need OBJECTIVE standards with expectations not subject to the whims and opinions of others. Then a man can know for sure whether another (his wife) is correct or not in her judgement about his "manhood". You have told men to defer to their wife and depend on her standards to measure their worth as men. How stupid. My "manhood" is mine alone. I own it. I will not have it's status change at the whim of my wife or any other. My wife is not always fair in her evaluation of me, her expectations are not always realistic and my "manhood" is not open for debate just because my wife is in a bad mood for a day. Your argument re-stated looks like this; men are confused because the standards of manhood are subjective and in constant flux, therefore men need another subjective standard of measurement,(their wife's changing standard).

I read this several times and stopped at the idea that I have to develop myself to be "worthy" of my spouse. But after going through this several times I have to agree. If a man is not found worthy in the eyes of his spouse, then she will surely be against him. I do not think you can control what others do, but you do have control of your actions and can choose what you do in a relationship. This article has given me a better insight and view into myself and what I know I should be doing, but have failed to do many times before. Yes it takes 2 to Tango, but in Every dance involving partners - SOMEONE has to take the lead and YES it is Expected that role belongs to the man. Even in today's society, if a man can't take the lead on the dance floor he won't be dancing for long.

I absolutely agree that a marriage, or simply a relationship, should consist of a 50/50 involvement between BOTH persons. But then again, it's just depriving thus sad to see how much of a steering influence human society casts on our interpretation of the roles of a man and woman in a relationship. All in all, i believe that each relationship has the right to govern and interpret their own relationship the way they want it despite problems and issues. After all, life's too short to tie yourself to another's idea.

how can a man develop each of these lessons and be very good at them? Thanks

I agree with most you say, But The Woman has a Bigger rule I think. It is Called "Commutation". we cannot read Mine. She has to speak and say Why she want/need.
Yes, we should be Manly and make a decision, But most of us would like to make decision best on few facts, instead of Guess works. How we are supposed to guess she does not want us to go to work today, cause she has plan a surprise?
When we ask what color you like? we mean it. Why should be guessing what color she like all the time. And then if we pick the wrong one, she gets made, "you do not know me"?
To know the person is not to guess every thing about them. Marriage is and should be %50.00 %50.00. No Guess work. we do something which bother you, tell us. You do something which bother us, we will tell you. Do not continue talking and asking question after we say "good nite" 3 times..

Anyway. This is NOT all man job to keep the marriage a live and happy.

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO...

Every poin given in this article is so real and true.
Wow I just found the article ... I was in search of to inspire my husband.
Thanks.

I just sent this to my husband we are currently going thru problems and I refuse to think that it is all my fault and this is great to hear. Lets just hope he reads and understands

Your article accurately addresses the issues that I am battling with in my relationship!!

You've misunderstood and characterized most of the examples and ideas you reference. You completely abolish yourself and any woman of responsibility - which is exactly why the problem is perpetuated. A woman needs to be an actual partner and not shirk her side in the partnership. You portray a woman as a lesser partner - one that you should let get away with things and not take responsibility. A true partnership would admit that there is no preference for dinner or that he wants to let her chose - she can say the same thing back. You absolve Eve of all responsibility and say that a man should put his foot down against something foolish - but if its a partnership it should be discussed and agreed on instead of demanded by one or the other. While you describe this in one part, you take it away with the next. One of the biggest contradictions you have is "manager." There can't be a manager in an equal partnership. How about you instead discuss your strengths, weaknesses, and desires to the other person so that instead of a domineering person and a submissive person, you get real equality.

These articles are excellent! We need to speak up and share this type of knowledge like our ancestors did. If someone would have shared this information with me years ago it would have saved me from making wrong choices in a mate, divorce and years of raising children on my own with no postive male role model for them. Thank you so much for setting up this website and giving us this information.

Here is one woman that doesn't want a manager for a husband. I want someone that is my confidant, and I am his. And I want someone that I know I can work together with on life's problems; that respects my opinions and viewpoints on all of life's matter (even if he does not agree) to the same level that I respect his opinions and viewpoints (even if I do not agree). The reason "father knows best" is no longer today's symbol is because father didn't always know best, but insisted on being the sole voice. If a model is broken, it will no be longer followed. The Homer Simpson model isn't better--but it does reflect society's growing pains as we move away from "father knows best" and generate deeper understandings of what it means to be "man" and "woman."

If this was a test...I failed. I try to be a good husband. My wife doesn't have to work, all the children grown. We have been married for 11 years...and the one time that I should have gone out of my way for her I procrastinated. I didn't have a big party for her 50th birthday...she told me this is what she wanted 6 months ago is a celebration of her 50 years of living. I failed...This is a great article, I feel like I am a good husband, BUT...I can definately take more responsibility, show more leadership, I am very indecisive having been raised by a single mother. and Stong...and manly...I need to take lessons from Adam, Moses and Joshua.....Great article.

WOW! I want one of these, I guess I'm glad that I'm not married (yet)so I can be on the lookout for one of these kind of men.

Being in a partnership with a man like what was desribed here would be absolutely awesome!

I have the most wonderful husband but he is sometimes confused about what i want from him. This summed it all up, in short and not lengthly explanation- which I have come to realize is something my husband wants:).

I am confused with what is happening in my life at the moment. Three years back my husband was working and brings me back money and he is quite responsibility man.But now he is jobless,doing some bussiness but not successful, no income for the family past three years. My advise is like a nut for him. I feel so frustrated. What should i do? Pls

Loved this article alot, and I do wish that the guy and gals who read this will heed this well written guide to a healthy, and respectful relationship. It is a challenge to do, but the effort will be worth it to gain a happy home life!
Thanks for this insighful article- my advice here- print this out and put it on the fridge for all to read, and follow!

My wife and I have been together for 13 years. We read this article and agreed that it was very helpful. We thank the author for sharing his valuable insights with us.

Well, hope YOU never have to be in a relationship with a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder

Women... please excuse what I am about to say, I truly do NOT mean to offend (but if we're honest, you'll probably agree).

The premise of this article is wrong because women honestly DON'T know what they want from a man. One day they want strong, decisive, etc. The next they want sensitive. The next they want funny. The next they want him to just shut up. The next they wish he would talk more. And on and on. They can watch a soap and wish their man was more like their favorite soap guy - sexy, strong, a good dancer (like ANY guys are really good dancers!). Then they'll see a musician who 'does it' for them who is 'dark and brooding and mysterious' and wish their man was like him too.

The bottom line? Women want it all, they just don't know when they want what. And for a man to live up to this is impossible.

Thank you, drive through.

In this type of discussion, every time, it seems people are only capable of speaking in terms of one extreme or another. On the one extreme we have the Father Knows Best image, which we want to remember as the "wise caring man who could do no wrong", but is actually far from the reality of that character. He was actually quite condescending in his decision making while his wife had to make him think he was the one to come up with all the wise solutions to every problem, even though it was her wisdom that made everything happen. People conveniently forget that about that show. In every episode she was manipulating him into thinking he knew best, when most of the time he didn't. People keep forgetting that the social milieu of the time dictated that women never show their wisdom and intelligence and that men must make all the decisions and take charge in order to be proper men. Why ? Because women were seen as necessarily incompetent. Showing otherwise would mess up the social order. The fact that most authors, and many readers, on this web site don't understand this has more to do with the differences between Jewish and non-Jewish culture, that's just a fact, than the differences between men and women. Jewish wives and mothers made many decisions because the home was their domain, not just the place they happened to be relegated to, as with most non-Jewish households. I wonder how many Jewish women of the 50's really related well to Donna Reed ? The Homer Simpson type as described in this article is actually lazy not weak. I see more Jewish women worrying about someone being lazy and irresponsible, than being weak.

So then we have the other extreme of the bumbling idiot who can't make a decision if his life depends on it ? Are we saying that most men are actually like that ?? Well, that type seems to be the focus a lot lately, as people continue to freak out about roles changing, when they really should have been talking about respect since the Women's movement began. Why don't women like men who tell them "it's up to you" all the time ? It's very simple. We complained that their condescending behavior which was the order of the day was insulting to our intelligence, and they responded with, "FINE! You make all the decisions. Let's see how you do !" After a while, they got used to being lazy and forgot what they said. The insult never went away, because the problem of being insulted on a regular basis was never addressed.

The fact is, Feminism fought attitudes that would have been just as insulting to men if they had to endure them. Who likes to be around a condescending, opinionated person who has to have everything his or her way ? Who likes to be around someone who feels if they don't make all the decisions the whole world will fall apart ?

With both extremes, the needs of women are not being met. The question is not what those needs are, the question, which people are still not willing to answer and really examine, is are they really that different than the needs of men ? When are we going to finally start talking of people as human beings ?? What would you rather have (and I'm asking men as well as women) - someone who takes charge because the issue at hand is one they deal with well, while the next issue that you deal with well is one where you make the decision ? Or someone who takes charge with a tone and demeanor which says to you, "don't worry your pretty little head about it" ? We now see that both men and women are capable of both attitudes. The most important thing that Feminism did show us is what women are capable of, good and bad. So now that we have seen all this, why don't we talk about what ADULTS want ? What do *human beings* want ? Like it or not, marriages are now about partnership. A husband who has to make all the decisions has a daughter, not a wife. Same with a wife who ends up with a son instead of a husband. Maybe what people really need to do is just grow up ?

Yes, it's true Adam was not a very responsible guy but the first person he blamed for his sin was not his wife, but God himself: " The woman YOU gave me....
I sometimes wonder what kind of world we'd live in if all of us accepted responsibility for our personal action.

Lucien

Hi,

It is an interesting article with many good points.

However, there is one pernicious and sexist statement that often appears in many Aish relationship oriented articles, and it is as follows:

"It's up to the man to make it work. It's his responsibility. Stop blaming others. If a man works on himself and develops himself to be worthy, the woman will be his partner. If he doesn't, she will be against him.".

The implication of this statement is that if the relationship fails, it is necessarily the man's fault (Had he worked on himself, etc.., the woman would have been his partner).

Yes, the man needs to work on himself, as does the woman.

In the real world many marriages fail despite the fact that the main worked on himself, was a decent husband, etc..

Women are just as capable of sabotaging marriages, or relationships, with decent men as vice-versa.

Why is the author implying that failed relationships result from the man's shortcomings?


Thanks,
DF

I really enjoyed your article and how it pertained to the parsha, but I think you are missing an essential lesson. Yes many men are afraid to take charge/ responsibility, but what about those men who rule their home and their word is law? It is so important for a home to be a partnership where the wife and husband discuss things before making a decision. Remember Chava was made as an ezer k'negdo- a partner.

This was a real masterpiece on the parsha of the week. Keep up the good work. We can all learn and grow from the beautiful lessons in the parsha.

The truth is, hearing good advice is hard to come back. For me, this came at a very opportune time in my relationship,at a salvagable point. I made the mistake of coming on to strong in the begining, including leaving alot of the decision making to her. Yes, we(men) all know that women like a guy who can take charge but we always try not to be the one making a decision unless its a matter of Sunday Night Football versus some girly show. I found, that only after hearing her say " I want a guy who can take charge and be the decision maker," did the idea really set-in. Especially if you beleive you got a keeper, you have to make sure to be the person she knows you can be from DAY 1.

I loved the article. It really tells it like it is. I'm glad someone is finally speaking out. I read Elliott's book. It was on the mark all the way. My husband is now reading it. Thanks.

I really love this article because is what I was looking for in my effort to be a better man, I need more articles related to it, I need to learn comunication skills, and a "how to handle advices", If you can send me e-mails or paper based articles you are very welcome

Bravo!! and thank you. That "one" sentence is the key! The woman has to trust her life to this man, and if SHE does not find him worthy, it will not be good, and thats putting it mildly. I have met some wonderful men in my life that I could never marry, I could not respect a man who would not be responsible,or be a leader,etc.. and your definition of manly, I love it!
Your 5 key points are on target. Great article!

During this article I found I appreciated a direction or thoughts for men to follow and take concern during their daily lives. I have no problem with an article directed at men. I do not believe the author's lessons were meant to be negative towards females in any sense. Reading the vast amount of information on this site one understands they are articles and at times an article may deal with women's needs as well. I appreciate articles that help men with relationships and marriage. I often see articles towards women and marriage, but few for men. Great job!

As the author of this article, I think it's important to respond to comments concerning defining manliness as decisiveness, strength in one's convictions, confidence, self-reliance, high moral qualities, self discipline, honesty and integrity. This definition of manliness comes from The Oxford English Dictionary. The goal of giving this and the other lessons in this article is to help men become better and more worthy men so there can more peace in homes. Many divorced men have told me that if they had learned these lessons while they were married, they probably would not be divorced. Many women have told me they bought the book and gave it to their husbands to read. This article does not say anything about what a woman is or is not. That's an important point. Too often men will blame their wives for problems at home. They don't realize that they have to change and with so many confusing messages about what a man should be, they don't know what their role as men is. Helping men learn this so they can be better men at home is the purpose of this article.
Do women also have the traits described in this article? Of course they do, and I apologize if the article was not clear enough. As you can see from some of the other comments, helping men learn to be better men at home could help bring peace to a lot of families --and that is the goal of this article.

Unfortunately disclaimers are necessary because some people believe, unless stated upfront and clearly to the contrary, that we harbor poliically IN-correct attitudes. Seems that many are self-appointed Thought Police are just itching to expose those who seemingly don't follow the current fashions of thinking. So, alas, in a good and informative article like yours you must pre-empt all those who might suspect you of an implication of disparaging women even though you only directed your writing to men. Sadly, there are many who love to hold the assumption that we are chauvanists unless we make full confession of politcal correctness and include it in the article.

This could not have been written better. All men should read this. No one is perfect. Thanks for an outstanding article.

Got your address when a Jewish joke reached me. Have signed on and like some of the advice provided by your writers. Using it with my granddaughter.

I think the author of this article made grave generalizations regarding feminine and masculine traits. I certainly maintain that men and women are different, and that these differences are complimentary. However, I strongly resent that the author of this article identified the following character traits: decisiveness, self-reliance, high morality, honesty, integrity and self-discipline as "manly." The Torah demands that both men and women exemplify these character traits.
-Wife of an Orthodox Rabbi

The qualities described here are not more relevant to men than to women: "decisiveness, strength in one's convictions, confidence, self-reliance, high moral qualities, self discipline, honesty and integrity". Which of these would the author deem inappropriate for a woman?

If my husband of 38 years had understood these basic but crucial truths, my marriage would not have disintegrated. It is refreshing to see that there is a man out there who actually 'gets it' and doesn't have any qualms about telling it like it is.
Wish there were more of the likes of Mr. Katz.

Congratulations. It's the first time I read an article asking what a woman wants - normally it's telling women what to be for men's gratification!

Could you please run for the presidency???? I must tell you, at first, I had no interest in your article. I am a woman, looking for man; I haven't even gotten to the place where I could use your #5 list for anything. But, I did venture eventually, and I commend you on arising as, yes, a species our land is practically void of: a male human being!
I was just writing a friend, mentioning how I would love to write an article on the epidemic of "the missing man syndrome." Like, where all the men go? It would seem all of society is void of men. Granted, you see them here and there. But, women are, at large, doing it all: taking home the bacon, frying it up in a pan, and yet, there's no man for her to help him forget he's not a man, because...where is he? Our society is overflowing with fatherless children and huband-less wives ( they are not involved in role), and, society in general--our leaders, men as responsible and respectable authority figures; where are they? Those who do step to the plate (providers, protecters, leaders, etc.) are over fighting a horrrible war. ( I won't even mention the men in politics.) But, really, is anyone paying attention to the fact that our society is in deep trouble? Women dominate society. They are doing it all, and the men have disappeared. There is a great imbalance.
It is my prayer that more men read your words and arise in who they are. To be deficient in such things is not good at al!

Thank you, Elliott Katz. This is an excellent commentary. Absolutely sound that goes well beyond one's man's advice. I thank you for sharing the most practical wisdom of God's Word.

As I went through each item I started to realize that my husband Daniel exemplifies all the good qualities a husband needs to have. We have been married for 6 months and have been good friends for 10 years. We are growing in our relationship daily and I somehow think I am the one that is growing the most! Loved your article. Thank you for causing me to reflect on what I have.

So if I have no self-discipline and integrity, low moral qualities and am a liar that would be exhibiting womanly qualities?

Poor dear Elliot. After 38 wonderful years I can tell you. Everybody is created by Hashem in a very special way. You have just to stay 'you' and when you meet the wife Hashem planned for you, she will be delighted about how you are. My husband was not strong in every aspekt. From the outside he seemed to be only weak and soft, he did not show leadership at all, but his inside was strong. He was to me a mother, a friend, a lover, a psychotherapist, very sensitive, new me better than I knew myself. What I could not, he could and vice versa. Just look at each other and then you will be exactly what she needs at that moment. With me it was the same. The others happiness is an important part of ones own happiness. That is a blessed life. Important: you are both grown up people. Such a marriage I wish all couples with all my heart and Hashems blessing.

Feminism has made us feel that if men assert strength and leadership they are macho pigs, and that if women allow men to take leadership they are submissive and weak. In fact, many women (not all, of course) want a strong man to lean on. A respectful and caring man who tries to please them and takes their feelings into account, and who is decisive assertive and strong. Thank you.

Bravo!

What kind of a woman does a man really want?

Plus, think before talking. Ask yourself how your words will affect her. For instance don't say, "You said that already." It hurts. Especially if you repeat stories also. Allow her to do the same.

Also, put more effort into things. For example, when giving a birthday card, write something in it besides 'love so & so

I am a woman, and I think these instructions for men are too much to ask of them.
Women have also a responsibilty to make a relationship work, the ideas in this article can turn a man into a stressed out wreck.

Elliot Katz left love and affection out of the relationship. This sounds like a great boss or roommate. If a woman does not feel loved or needed she feels like nothing. Where does emotion fit?

Some very good ideas, thank you, especially on anger management. In my humble opinion, I also would say both people need to connect to G-d, be affectionate, appreciative, attentive, show some sort of awe that Hashem blessed them with each other. Smile, stroke each other when you pass, etc.

I have been married B"H for over 34 years to a wonderful man who is what you recommend - strong in all ways. But strong also means stubborn sometimes and unwilling to bend or compromise, and strong also can mean opinionated. Things don't get done precisely because he has to have an opinion on everything, and also be convinced that something needs doing at all. I wish he WOULD say, "whatever you want." Then we would have had that new carpeting, furniture, paint job, whatever, long ago. Money is not an issue in this case, so it's not about being frugal.