(71) Andy , December 11, 2007

All true!

I was married to a woman for six years who very seldom complimented me on anything, was very liberal with vicious criticism for everything, she was verbally abusive, and cold. Eventually the marriage failed. I became very introverted and depressed as she pummeled me every day. This last week a woman in my office said I was a kind man and thanked me for being a gentleman to the ladies. I was so touched I retreated to my cubicle a little while later and cried because I'm so unaccustomed to being spoken to kindly or complimented!

(70) Wendy Roorda , November 28, 2007

Respect you rman.

I found my fiance at a time in my life where I thought it was not possible. I had stopped looking so hard. He popped in at the right time. I am a mother of three kids, ages twins 8 and a 5 yr old. I also have a 13 yr old and an 11 year old who live with there father. So I htought it would be hard to find a man accepting of that. Well, I found one. He is a firefighter and works long hours, but I accept that(i was alomst one myself) so thehours he works are ok by me. it is about love and respect. We love each other fully and really enjoy the time we have together. I think when you are not looking it hits you. For the first time ever I feel like I found my place. So my advice is to always make you r man feel as though he is in control and the King, after all he would be lost without us.

(69) Talia S. , October 2, 2007

Never take him for granted...

I met my future husband very late in life--at the age of 42. Having searched for my soulmate for so long, I cannot begin to express the joy of finding a relationship filled with so much kindness, love and respect. My fiance's warmth and affection inspire me to be my best and vice versa. I appreciate every moment I have with him. To Emuna Braverman's article, I would add--begin showing kavod early on in the relationship, and then nurture, nurture, nurture. It is well worth it!

(68) Gisele , October 1, 2007

what an insighful article

women want the same too, so why do we hav a HARD TIME FINDING SHIDDUCHIM, AND MAKING MARRIAGE WORK? WHY CAN'T MEN AND WOMEN RELATE AND UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER?

(67) Jewels , March 11, 2007

Take care of yourself too

Ann Onymous, you should have finished the parsha like you wanted. LEt the dishes wait. don't be a martyr Take care of yourself. The dishes will always be there. If he doesn't like the dishes sitting there, tell him he can help you so you can learn too. Give and take, give and take.

(66) Sharon , February 27, 2007

Everyone needs appreciation

I'm aware that there are differences between men and women psychologically (generally speaking, but certainly not in all cases), but in the final analysis the need for respect and appreciation crosses the gender boundary. It applies as much to women as it does to men. But if each spouse is focusing on the negative, it requires that one change the pattern. So my advice to anyone reading this, whether you are a man or woman, is start focusing on the positive. Notice the small positive deeds in your spouse. This will only encourage him/her to continue in this vein. Eventually he/she will likely return the appreciation. It may take a some time; patience and perseverence are key.

(65) Ann Onymous , February 7, 2007

One-sided view

I agree with the few women who did disagree with this article. It's too one-sided. No matter what I do for my husband, it's never enough. I work 24/7, at a job with difficult hours, as well as do everything at home. For instance, this past Motzei Shabbat, when he went out to learn, I wanted to finish reading the parsha but cleaned up the whole kitchen instead. But when he came home, did he notice or comment positively? No! All he did was criticize the fact that there were a few pieces of cutlery left in a mug on one counter. His attitude makes my life - and our marriage - very difficult.

(64) alejandro , February 7, 2007

Spot on!!

Its amazing the general misconception of men not having feelings!!

Good article hope it would help many couple in trouble

(63) Anonymous , February 6, 2007

not true for everyone

When health is not got good, the best marriage can go bad. My husband was my world. He is still alive but now I am his aide and wife and it is very difficult and places a gigantic strain on our marriage.

(62) Anonymous , February 5, 2007

It works!!

When I was looking for a husband, one of my main requests was that I should be able to look up to him. Well, after more than 30 years, I learned that I can look up to him for many, many things and that nobody (including myself) is perfect!! Yes, treating your spouse with respect (and love) will, 99.9% of the time, be reciprocal and you will have a warm and loving marriage as I do, thank G-d.

(61) Hal Friedman , February 4, 2007

Oy!

Finally, an article about 'What Men Want', and what does the last line have to be: 'Click here for what women want'. There's no use sending this to my wife, I'll only get 'Part Two' right back!! At least you could have kept it until next week!!

(60) Anonymous , February 4, 2007

A FANTASTIC ARTICLE!

Ive read books on marriage, and sometimes found them too heavy and detailed. This article by Emuna Braverman, was just brilliant! To the point, easy to read and understand and written in such a positive and encouraging manner, one feels eager to go ahead right away with her advice! Much success!

(59) Wayne Hinson , February 4, 2007

she got it right!

So what if it was written by a woman? She got it right! A man expects to face and slay dragons in the workplace every day, but when he comes home, he needs to be greeted not by another dragon, but by a woman who admires and respects him. Almost any man will knock himself out trying to prove to his wife (and to himself) that her admiration and respect was not misdirected.

To those women who complained about how hard they work and how useless the advice is, I can only say that if they really want to be unhappy, a rotten attitude such as they expressed toward their husbands is almost a guarantee of a miserable marriage. Is that what they really want?

(58) Jan Jacobs , February 4, 2007

After 30 years of marriage I learned the hard way. I thought I came first. But I don't, YET I do,.
It is about Appreciation for your husband in every sense.
It is about respect for him.
IT is able love. Love overides everything.
From where I stand, it's about giving and giving. In giving you get so much more in return.
It's not about giving in, accepting bad behaviours/words/mannes etc.
It's about putting yourself in their shoes with the ability to use their mindset.
Understanding. Give it, I promise you it will come back by the mountainful!.

(57) Sonja , January 26, 2007

It lifts me up!

Thank you so much for this enlightening words. This helps a lot to remember, for what reason I've marriaged my husband.
God bless you.
Sonja

(56) Walter , July 2, 2006

why I intermarried

I grew up in a staunchly secular enviroment. However, as a young teen, became a "political" zionist, made aliyah, served in TZHAL and was a member of a kibbutz. Dating Jewish women, even in Israel was a difficult task. Some jews embrace liberalism and intermarry accordingly. My friends and I of similar back grounds, have all intermarried. We were not men who did not care about marrying a Jewish women. We intermarried by default and mostly to Asian women. There is a lack of man appreciation amongst all too many Jewish women. In the non-orthodox psuedo religious enviroments, there is abjrect resentment of not just males, but specifically Jewish males. Low status Jewish males have enough problems. If we have not yet found religion, dating orthodox is not viable. At least in the secular Jewish world, albeit, I saw a lot of Jewish singles eager to meet, the men did not bite. Perhaps man hatred leaves a bad taste. Your message combined with my message should not just be to the already married, but to the not yet married? While the Jewish community fails to be class-ecumenical, Jewish men of all economic classes are voting with their feet. Lower status Jewish men are finding Asian wives. Their gain, and the Jewish women's loss. Oddly enough, there are many interested Jewish women, if they are ot repelling us, they are actually rejecting us. It is not a leap of aith, considering the divroce rate with comparible complaints that the rare in-faith marraige is so often diseased. Filipina women treat jewish men "right." Why are the daughters of our people not competing?

(55) Kara , January 26, 2006

Wonderful article

I'm a young student and recently married to a wonderful man serving in the military. I have found that my mood indeed dictates the atmosphere we live in, and although regardless that we are often apart my attitude can either make or break the day. I'm astonished at how my husband, in one sense such a strong and valiant Marine, could seek my approval so much and I'm struck by his intense committment to me and my dreams - and all he asks is for love and respect. No matter how tired I am sometimes I never forget to be my husband's wife. And that does not mean I am less of a woman. It just means I'm a happier one!

(54) Lynn Anthes , January 14, 2006

Thankyou !

Our marriage of 35 years has been rough but I see where I've been hanging on to the past with resentment and see where I need to let go and help working on today and bring the fondamentals back into our marriage that brought us togeather in the first place,I can see now where my mistakes were I need to correct mine and not his, He needs to work on his as he sees fit so we can come togeather again and be friends and lovers once again instead of battling with tit-for-tat....thankyou again I was struggling trying to figure out how to get things going good again...sincerely Lynn

(53) Anonymous , October 28, 2005

Let me tell you. Men need to respect us women more. We are out working too. Its not just a man's world. I am a VERY DEDICATED mother to my kids. I drive from sport to sport, watching their games, taking them to their friends houses, etc. I do it all. I work, too. I am a teacher in an elementary school and I am around 2nd graders all day. I love them! Then I go home to my own children. Men come home and expect their dinner on the table. "Oh, go heat it up". I am in my work clothes till 9:00 at night!!!! I don't want to hear any man complain that they want to be treated with respect. It's a women's world, too. I get from people, " How do you run from school to school, sport to sport and help with their homework, make sure the laundry and dishes are done." I just say I do it for my kids!! I hardly ever see a man at parent teacher conferences for the kids. And, when the kids are sick, who do they want regardless of their age, M O M M Y !!!!!

(52) Dora , October 9, 2005

The only article on the web that really helped me

I wish more people would read this article cause it seems like not mant people know what is required to make a marriage last. I'm trying to better myself as a wife, to my hard working, dedicated husband, and after putting into practice what I've read above, it has made my relationship much happier and loving.
Thank you

(51) Tasha , August 27, 2005

Horse Pucky

Sorry, as this stuff may work on other men, it didn't work on mine. I gave him love, respect, AND appreciation...And in return he treated my like garbage.

(50) Jay Goland , July 30, 2005

There's more to it than that

As a 54 year old single man I have had a log time to think about relationships. I believe that one important piece of the problem is that people hook up with people they're not crazy about in the first place. They settle. "This is probably the best I can do". They aren't in love going into it. To say to one's wife, "you are always beautiful to me" you have to really mean it. Otherwise it's insincere palaver. This has to do with dating and dating skills so that he finds and successfully marries someone who is really actually beautiful to him. And this has to be learned early-on. Some of us, I'm not included, had parents who could teach us the dating rules of the road. Some of us had mothers who could instill a feeling of desirability into their sons (I speak from a male standpoint), some of us had fathers who knew how to teach us to attract girls and present an image of being masculine ( a quality valued by women in our society, Jewish women included, especially during the early years, college, the 20's). But many of us couldn't learn these things from our parents because of our parents own limitations.

It makes me crazy that in our educational system (and I am hightly "educated") they taught us massive quantities of utterly useless information, and then tested us on it as if our lives depended on it, and then our parents would praise us for how well we did on these exams and completely (in many cases)overlooked the very issues that are the most important ones in life. There are two: (#1) how to attract and marry the person of your dreams (and do it while you are still young and it's still possible) (#2) how to identify your calling, your life's work, something hopefully you enjoy.

I am angry and disheartened that we learned higher calculus in college , and how to speak french in the pluperfect, but they never helped us to understand how to date, how to attract the opposite sex, and all sorts of useful things about sexuality that we should have learned then, not after decades of trial and error. We fail, utterly fail, as a society to help young people learn how to meet and mate. And so we screw up and get divorced and then try again (and again...) Ahh, but the economics of Europe during the Renaissance, and how fluids flow up and down a tree trunk ... that we learned and got tested on.... and if we did well, how proud it made or parents !!!
That's in our society.

In the Jewish community, we weren't helped much either.
Many of us weren't (and aren't ?) taught how to overcome the roadblocks that get in the way of successful dating. Most of what I see in the material that comes froa Aish also has to do with values, qualities to look for in a mate, etc etc. That's all well and good but it doesn't help the young man who is too shy to ask the girl out. Who doesn't even know what to say. How to win her. How to present an appealing image (like it or not, the image counts) He is the guy who was raised to be a classroom geek and can't win the attention let alone the heart of his heart's desire because she, like other young women in our society, are attracted to a confident, masculine, socially skillful men. It doesn't help the young lady who was raised in a home where her academic achievement was praised but doesn't know how to dress in order to get that guy to take notice of her. I suspect you're wincing at that statement but just get real.

I have felt for a long time that part of the problem with assimilation and intermarriage has to do with Jewish men and women not being taught to attract one another. For instance, Jewish women are not raised to be , dare I say the word ... glamerous. I'm sure you're again wincing at that so let's just say they have been raised to be like boys... achievement oriented and competetive, but that doesn't make them desirable. I find many Jewish women to be hard to get along with. They are not raised to value qualities that help them attract and keep a man. Femininity, beauty, a giving nature, sensuality. The jokes about how Jewish women are withholding as well as demanding don't spring from a vacuum. As long as this persists, American Jewish men will look outside of Judaism. Count on it !

I believe , also, that many Jewish women are more attracted to non-Jewish men because they find non-Jewish men to present a more masculine image and that attracts them . When I was growing up, Jewish boys were raised to do well in school. Sports, and masculine qualities were not valued for the most part. Being on the Dean's list was. Unfortunately, violence is a part of our society, even in our highschools. No boy ,whose parents love him, should ever have to walk away from a fight. It's bad for his self-esteem, and also his confidence with women. What attracts females in our culture ? Confidence, masculinity, being able to walk up to a woman and walk away with her phone number. Later on it's their success, but not till quite later. These are not qualities that can be taught, per se. But they can be talked about. They can be recognized. She doesn't care that I graduated with honors. It's how I presnt myself. Personal qualities.

In summary, I think young men and women have to be taught dating skills. They should be taught useful stuff about sexuality (like how to please a partner through communication , instead of just all the nasty things that can happen with sex , which is what gets taught in our schools...the school curriculum in my opinion is shamefully, digracefully lacking)
And , in Judaism, there should be more of an emphasis on developing qualities in our young people that attract the sexes to each other, qualities that are valued in our culture at large so we don't look elsewhere to find a mate that turns us on. And hopefully when they do get married they not only love but are "in love". And his wife is really truly beautiful to him; she's who he really wanted... and he got her because he knew how to get her.

Just never forget how those fluids flow through a tree trunk. That's important stuff. There will be a pop quiz on Tuesday!

(49) Kemi , July 27, 2005

I really like this topic and the write up

I am very glad i read this tonight, i will apply it in my marriage and i believe it will work. How i wish i could treat my husband with the respect i give to my Boss. Please i will like to read more of things like this.

(48) Alvina , July 26, 2005

I believe every woman of every religion should know these basic principles. For in them contain not only the key to our husbands happiness - but ours!

(47) Sharon , July 8, 2005

Amen. I really enjoyed reading this and I intend to forward this to my daughter & daughter in law. Young marriages need all of the help they can get before things go south.

(46) anna k , April 30, 2005

I agree with what you say about how to treat your husband, but don't you feel a women should be treated the same, as a women an I believe most women start out being that way with there husbands or boyfriends but the bitterrness starts because we feel our our efforts to make men feel special are not returned. Women have always just wanted the same valadation as a man gets an when we don't, " which most of us don't ", yes we become bitter. Believe me us women do not want to be this way, but the only way to stop it is for men to validate all the things we do. Even if you are " just a house wife ", that is the hardest carreer any women could have, " why don't you stay home with the kids for a week while your wife goes to work an see how you feel when she doesn't give you a thank you for being such a wonderful caregiver " housewives get no respect what so ever as if all there effort has gone unoticed then you want someone to tell you how wonderful you are then put a nice warm plate of food in front of your face, you should just be happy that she doesn't throw the plate of food in your face, no that is respect. I just think women would not be so bitter if a man learns to validate her also from the very begining of a relationship, then many we would not be the bitter middle aged women we have turned out to be from years of our feelings being ignored, so don't blame us women, take a look at how you have treated your wife. Use your brain an figure out if she has every right to be bitter, I think most likley the answer will be YES!

(45) Anonymous , February 6, 2005

you're right

sadly my 30 year marriage ended 5 years ago. why? my ex was a stay at home homemaker and although she did make money by working at home, i was the primary wage earner. what i really wanted but almost never received was a good by kiss in the mornings and a welcome home kiss in the evenings. appreciation! in a tit for tat, the knight who rode out to fight the dragons started to withhold the love she needed and it all became a vicious black hole spiral sucking all life out of the marriage.

(44) Deborah Moore , November 21, 2004

the other perspective???

This pair of articles - "What Men Really Want" and "What Women Really Want" - is interesting and informative. I have copied this article and keep it where I can read it often. However, it occurs to me that a woman has written both articles... while I can see that Emuna Braverman is dead-on about things from a woman's perspective, I can't help but wish that one of Aish's male writers had written the article from a man's perspective... Perhaps Aish could commision a second article on the subject of "what men really want" from a male perspective? It would be truly appreciated by women who are trying to understand the men they live with!
PS. I just read some of the other comments, and realized that this would also be appreciated by male readers who would like their wants to be represented by a fellow man!

(43) Adam , September 29, 2004

Some Criticism of article

I thought the article was fairly intelligent and I read the article above too. My problem with this article however is why is a women writing both what a women and what a man wants. I think to be honest a man should be writing his side and a woman her side as of course Emuna being a women herself is likely somewhat more concerned about how she is treated then how a guy is treated and it does seem to me reading the women's side she is somewhat more into the women's side then men's side and tries to get a few things in the women's side that have nothing what so ever to do with a marriage relationship. If you had a guy do his side he might do the same thing which at least would make these articles I think fairer.

(42) Anonymous , September 27, 2004

What If?

What if a wife (me) is honestly trying to do the above and the husband still is not happy?

(41) Anonymous , September 21, 2004

You act as if women are there to "greet" their husbands at night. The reality nowdays is dual incomes. If fact he'll be home before her especially if she is picking up the kids or is working late. Beware, if he does not help around the house she will burn out quick.

(40) Anonymous , July 1, 2004

An Excellent Reminder

Many times it's hard to remember to use positive phrases. THis article reminds us.

(39) Anonymous , June 29, 2004

I agree wholeheartedly!

I couldn't agree more with your article. I am newly married (just three months) but I treated my sweetie like this long before we were married. My husband, before we married, was a confirmed bachelor. None of his other girlfriends treated him as I did, with respect, love, and appreciation. I supported him when he was going through difficult times and was always there for him. As a result, he could see that marriage to ME would be different than marriage to one of those other women. He states that he is happy that we got married and has NO regrets. I enjoy making him happy and he enjoys reciprocating and making me happy. We both have everything we need. I am no Stepford wife, either. I am extremely independent, stubborn, and opinionated (he is too, for that matter). I voice my opinions in a respectful manner and never disrespect my husband. He does the same for me. We've NEVER had an argument (yelling, screaming, cursing). Sure, we disagree, but we disagree agreeably. We have some pretty awesome and lively discussions and debates and we never take ourselves too seriously.

Hopefully the women who read this article will wake up and smell the coffee. It's the only way to have a good relationship and a lasting AND happy marriage.

(38) suki , June 21, 2004

i ve got to try this

thank you so much for this article, i have been married for the past two years now and what my husband usually complains about is that i don't respect him. am a full housewife and my husband works very hard to keep our family. from your article i have seen some of my dark side too and i will work on it, am ready to make my marriage work to the fullest if GOD gives me the wisdom and understanding.
thanks
suki

(37) Anonymous , May 13, 2004

You read my mind

It is as if you have read my mind. I have been married for just over three years. I am not perfect but I sure try hard. Your advice is as golden as fort knox. It is very disharting to give a task your all and then hear your wife say "You did it wrong" or "why did you do it that way and not this way"? It strikes a man at his soul and the pain that it brings can not be put into words. If only once in awhile a wife will tell her Husband what a good job he did on something that he gave his all on, it would make him feel as if he were indeed the king of the world. Men are not all that hard to make happy, once we are you will see how we will bend over backwards to to do even better then before. Just a thought.
Shalom.

(36) simi shain , May 12, 2004

You did it again!

Should be required reading for every married woman.

(35) bob reid , May 10, 2004

good for the young people too

I had my "future son-in-law" read these articles,as well as my daughter to help them not make the same mistakes I have made in the past.
thank you.

(34) Anonymous , May 1, 2004

I totally agree with your article on what a husband needs

I now would like to see an article on what a wife needs from her man to be happy

(33) Shaul , March 30, 2004

Admire your courage

I was very touched by your courageous and very true advice. I am divorced now at 52 after having been subjected to 26 years of nearly constant abuse, rejection and disrespect. For my part, I'm still agonizing over my failure to give her the love and attention that she needed, even though I felt myself unable to do so. Please, please, give the ladies a break now, and tell the men what their wives need!

(32) Jane , March 29, 2004

Wonderful Words

This article really has touched my heart with its words. It showed to me how I have been so ungrateful to my husband, which is a very lovely person.
I really want to show more my appreciation.
Thanks!

(31) Lindsay , March 21, 2004

"What Men Really Want" Mini-Editorial

The above article, "What Men Really Want," is teriffic because it really makes the mens' psyches clearer and more understandable. Thank you Mrs. Braverman, for writing this article and helping more women to see what it is that "men really want."

(30) Cindy Zitelman , March 17, 2004

Terrific Artticle

I spent a few days with Emanu Braverman at an AISH Partnership retreat in Aspen. We flew in a hot air balloon together! She is a wonderful person and made a lasting impression.

(29) Renee Hinkle , March 15, 2004

Thank you!

Sounds like you were writing to me! Thank you for opening my eyes to this.I think we all know or feel this but are at a loss to change it.Today I change!

(28) Anonymous , March 14, 2004

emunah braverman is one smart lady!!! she never ceases to amaze me

(27) Anonymous , March 11, 2004

Excellent advice!

This is excellent, simple advice that is so easy to forget.

(26) Anonymous , March 11, 2004

men are very sensitive and vulnerable

I grew up with a single mom and a sister, so I lacked the interaction with men that is so essential to learning how to behave. When I got married, I was taken aback when I realized how important it was to make my husband feel like he is so special. I realized that he is much more sensitive and receptive to appreciation than I am. I have made sure, from the beginning to make him feel wonderful as often as possible, and to give him full attention. It really makes a difference in the closeness we experience. I hope more women can realize this and share more love with their husbands.

(25) o , March 10, 2004

100% True

I'm a married woman and we have 2 children.
It seems as if women now adays don't respect their husbands like they should. Don't get me wrong I'm all for the "working Mother" "equality" and everything else. (I work part-time). But I do all those things mentioned in this article, and not only is my husband thankfull, loving and helpfull. His friends notice it too. They always tell their wives they should take an example from me.
We've been married for 10 years, and our relationship is getting stronger. I think a big part of it is because I make him feel like a king and treat him well. Therefore, he does the same w/o me asking. Like with shopping, vaccuming or spending time w/the kids while i have an hour to myself. This is the result you get when your husband gets home and you give him 100% attention, at least for half an hour.

(24) Anonymous , March 9, 2004

Excellent Article

I enjoyed your informative article and the comments afterwards, I think if one understands the context in which this article is written "What men want" then one will understand the value of the article.

I find it of great value (I know what I want and am able to adequately commuicate this) men are somewhat less commuicative so this article is beneficial to me :).

Regards a demand for more balance well I think one must assume a position of "which came first the chicken or the egg", not arguing who takes responsibility but I am certain that any man (or person for that matter) who finds his/her needs being met will respond favourably.

(23) Anonymous , March 9, 2004

Just what I needed...

I'm married about 4 years and the last months or maybe the last year wasn't what I'd liked to be.
And now I read this and get the message.
You're so right, it is not about taking but giving.
But we think than men are "strong" and that all the things we, like women, like to hear, they are just women's stuff...
But now I realize that they need the same attention, the same feeling.
Thanks a lot for the lot of widsom you share with us.

Regards,

(22) Anonymous , March 9, 2004

Both parties have to work on the relationship

To all those who said this article is one sided - yes this article was written to women. There are other aticles on this site written to men. I think that is exactly the point, both partners have to work on a relationship; women should concentrate on their part of it and men on their part of it. Our automatic reaction to each of these articles seems to be "Yeah - but what about what THEY have to do....". I have been advised that often if a partner works hard on doing the best they can, instead of complaining about the other party (even when the other spouse party is in the wrong) it can make a big difference and start the relationship on the road to recovery. Of course this is very hard to convince our egos.
Every relationship requires lots of work - good work! Good Luck!

(21) Sarah Williams , March 9, 2004

wow!

My husband and I just had this discussion, and I wished I had read this article earlier. He said many of the things she has written here. Mrs. Braverman should write a book! Uh, if she has already written a book, where can I find it?

(20) Anonymous , March 9, 2004

text in context -- giving in a (Torah) environment

Bravo for telling this so succinctly, but I feel that the context of respect, appreciation, and love is the key--as I also see now in the other reader comments. To make a man feel like a King (David ? ) a woman has to help create a Kingdom and a Kingship and definitely not criticize in public ( like Michal did!) and that means an atmosphere where gratitude and appreciation, the desire to improve and help each other and all the family, are the bulk of the family simultaneous equations; alas, if I had done more of that, my family would have been more happy, stable, and intact. Alas, if we had come closer to HaShem, earlier in our marriage, we might have found the means to want to stay together. My criticism, his abuse, not, the material for a happy union. Bless you, and all of your endeavors.

(19) Luana Wasserbauer , March 9, 2004

This was extremely helpful!

I've been married for almost two years. At the beginning it was easy to give my husband the appreciation, respect, and love he needs and so deserves. But then the twins came, and everything got harder. Unfortunately, he was often greeted at the end of the workday by things like, "Will you please get that trash out of here?" and, "Why didn't you call when I asked you to?" However, reading this article has helped me get my priorities straight again: They are our children AND my husband. Now, with G-d's help, I will always give him the things he wants and needs most!

Thanks so much!

Luana

(18) Anonymous , March 8, 2004

"Stay-at-home mom"

Speaking as a stay at home mom, I resent the statement that it is a "choice" or the implication that I don't work as hard as my husband. Although I would love the stimulation of an outside job at this point, my work at home still consumes a lot of time. It is indeed work to make sure that everybody eats healthy food and not TV dinners, that everybody sleeps upon clean sheets, that there is a beautiful Shabbat dinner on Friday night, that somebody will make sure that the child with the injured wrist goes to the doctor and gets an x-ray, and that someone actually looks over the bills and pays them. It takes up my time to be a Mikvah volunteer, and to line up the volunteers to attend a tahara when G-d forbid, somebody passes away. And my kitchen certainly isn't going to go kasher itself for Pesach. So even though my kids are pretty big now, I still don't have much time to go out and work. I know a lot of mothers who have ignorant strangers watching their children, who stay up almost all night Thursday to cook for Shabbat, and who come home exhausted at 6PM only to then wonder what to cook for dinner for the kids, and wonder how to find time to help them with homework.
Yes, I am glad that I don't have to work at my former job, but don't tell me I'm not working now. Thank G-d, my husband is a sweetie pie who appreciates what I do, while I appreciate what he does. I think that these days people look down on the stay at home mothers, and fail to appreciate the memories created by having a mother around who makes the Hamantashen with the kids and gives them personal attention.

(17) Deborah , March 8, 2004

The Truth sets free

I am recovering now from what could of been a tradgedy. My work and responsibilites put a wedge in my marriage, leading to infidelity on the part of my husband. Although there are two sides to every story, I took my blame. G-d has been good, by taking that responsibility maybe that is what saved my marriage. I couldn't change him, but I am responsible for me. Your article is very true. I am reminded of how our mother "Sarah," called Avraham "lord," she is our example. Submission and love elevates us, it does not degrade us and allows the very shechinah of G-d in our homes and families, as we even submit to G-d Himself, through submitting to our husbands in the way you have laid out in this beautiful article.
Selah

(16) Anonymous , March 8, 2004

It may be necessary to get outside help

Sometimes a couple cannot achieve this unity without help from counselors and doctors. It also may take several years of hard work to analyze and surmount all the impediments which prevent the love respect and appreciation which Hashem wants a married couple to share. Then one day Hashem performs a miracle and blesses the couple for their diligence. And love, appreciation and respect become as natural and effortless as the joy that comes when seeing a rainbow.

(15) ALEX RABAN , March 8, 2004

OK

I AM FORWARDING THIS TO MY KIDS IMMEDIATELY!!!

(14) Shoshana , March 8, 2004

Right on!

It's so very true what you wrote. Such common-sense wisdom.

The basis for a good marriage is treating each other with respect and love.

Isn't that what the Torah expects of us, anyway??

(13) Anonymous , March 8, 2004

Get Real

What happen when I come home from a hard day's work? What is the responsibility of a husband to his wife? The year is 2004. I am an educated woman with a full time job. I am not interested in being a balabusta. I've seen many women act like this, only to have their husbands leave them with nothing.

(12) Anonymous , March 8, 2004

Meaningful

This is a really meaningful article. Thank you.

(11) Todd , March 8, 2004

thanks

Extremely insighftful and accurate essay, which very clearly conveys what is troubling to so many men and relationships. The advice is very sound and practical.

(10) Christine Morgan , March 8, 2004

Wonderful

This article is perfect - written with men in mind but holds true for women as well! Thanks for another wonderful reminder!

(9) Elana , March 8, 2004

One-sided

It's wrong to assume that a modern-age family consists of a working husband and a stay-at-home mom. The ideas expressed in this article ("respect is the foundation of love", etc) are not new and sound extremely insentive at times when an average family needs to have two breadwinners in order to stay afloat financially and to provide not for luxuries, but for basics.

I have met with the similar approach to this issue from (unfortunately) too many in the Orthodox Jewish community, to the point that I often feel as an outsider because I am far from that woman/wife that you had described so eloquently.

Next time please try to balance your article(s) -- full-time working women need moral support too.

(8) Dennis Tate , March 8, 2004

Fantastic article.

I have been divorced twice and my third wife perfectly fulfills your article. I really didn't know that life could be so incredibly good. Maria also had one pretty horrible marriage but at this moment she keeps telling me that she is extremely happy. I plan to send your article to my entire contact list.

(7) suzy baim , March 8, 2004

Great article

I feel strongly for husbands and wives appreciating, respecting and loving eachother. This article might offend some women. But it's Not talking to women who already do these good things. It's talking to women who don't do these things.

(6) shoshanna , March 8, 2004

so clear

right on.so simple yet so necessary..

(5) marja , March 7, 2004

how to apply the ideal in a far from even remotely normal situation

I agree wholeheartedly with the ideals expressed in this article; however, none of this works with a man who has had a bad relationship with his mother; what the article puts forward is nothing but sound wisdom something a man who has never been able to bond with his own mother, in my experience, cannot then accept from another woman no matter how much he loves that younger woman.
Ultimately it can be done, but only after years of inevitable severe marital breakdown which, with good will on both sides, can then be slowly repaired. I should know; I speak from experience. Initially, no matter how loving the wife, the slowly built up hatred over an entire childhood towards a mother gets poured out over the younger woman's head. Being human this hurts. In my opinion, far more support is needed within communities for this kind of immense difficulty. In my/our case I/we solved the matter slowly, over many years, using initally a most definitely unconventional starting method. Still, it worked and genuine healing has taken place with nothing but good results for ourselves and our now adult children.

(4) Anonymous , March 7, 2004

Except for abusive husbands

This is true for most men, except those whose mind-set makes them think that they have to put down others to keep control.

(3) Leslie , March 7, 2004

Beautiful!!

This article was beautifully written and is a perfect example of "do unto others as you would have others do unto you." Absolutely perfect, especially in the realm of a relationship. Thank You!

(2) Carnita Coker , March 7, 2004

Excellent

Iam a wife of a wonderful husband and we have 6 children. I thank Emuna for helping to spread these truths. I believe so many women need to here this being taught. My husband and I have always had a very good marriage because we give 100% always. It makes me happy to make my husband happy. Thanks again for the reminders.

(1) Anonymous , March 7, 2004

Women need appreciation, too

I agree that men need appreciation, respect, and love. In fact, every human being needs these things.

What I don't agree with is the one-sidedness of this article.

Why is there no mention of how the husband should thank the wife for bathing the kids, instead of taking for granted that it's her job? Do only the things that *he* does deserve appreciation?

Why no mention of how the husband should get off the phone when his wife comes home (perhaps after a long day of work), and never belittle her in public?

And why is the word "nagging" always just used in regards with women, for that matter? I guess all the nagging that men do is "valid criticism"? (pardon the sarcasm)

Bottom line: I'd appreciate it if you could write a follow-up article about how men should show appreciation and love to their spouses.