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"If you treat your husband like a king, he will treat you like a queen." This wise advice from the Talmud is not something we have an easy time putting into practice. We're afraid we'll get stepped on, become doormats, we're concerned our needs won't be met, we don't want to feel like shmattes, we don't want it to be about him.
Which is ironic because that is the key to a successfully marriage (and ultimately to having our own needs tended to) -- to put our partner first. It's not about me. The character trait of humility, this other-centered focus, is crucial to a healthy relationship. This often manifests itself in the seemingly small areas. We're both tired at night. Who gets up to make sure the doors are locked? To check on the baby?
These small things are not so tiny after all. They are the ways we express our caring.
But these small things are not so tiny after all. They are the ways we express our caring, the ways we contribute to the health and strength of the marriage, the way we tell our spouse that they count, their needs count, the way we put them first.
Another aspect of humility is the ability to cede your rights, to give it up and just let it go. So many things we fight about are so unimportant (forget that toilet seat already) and simply not worth it. And yet we let them erode our relationship. Just let it go; make it nonexistent.
The clothes on the floor, the cereal on the counter, the forgotten phone message, the baby's pajamas on backwards -- let it go.
And maybe even some more annoying qualities as well. We can feel that moment of choice, that moment where the frustration is just starting to build and we can either vent it in an unpleasant tirade or we can take a deep breath and move on. It's a choice; let it go and choose the marriage, choose your spouse's needs. Tomorrow you won't even remember what that burning issue was.
Allied with this is the clear recognition that marriage is not a competition and that being right is not the goal. Working together, creating a new unique entity together is. Ego has no place in marriage -- very easy to say and very difficult to live.
It's very hard to really let go, to really not care, to bite back the words as they are agitating to get out. We're not always successful. What's important is that we want to be.
Letting go is a positive affirmation of the supremacy of the marriage over the individual.
There's a mistaken and prevalent notion that we are somehow a wimp if we aren't constantly asserting our rights and needs. On the contrary. It takes real strength of character to step back, to concede, to defer, to allow the needs of another to take precedence. It requires security and clarity not to be threatened by this attitude and to instead take pleasure in the giving.
Letting go is not passivity, it is not opting out. It's a positive affirmation of the supremacy of the marriage over the individual, a clear recognition of priorities and purpose. The Talmud is a statement of reality, of both a Divine promise and natural consequences. If we treat our husbands like a king, he will treat us like a queen. And if we begin by treating our husband like a king, we have already adopted the behavior or royalty.
(22) Lu , January 21, 2009
Both partners mus bring their side
I experience it in my marriage of 5yrs and 2kids born out of it. We stopped going out for dinners and we have not been on holiday or away for a weekend ever after we got married. I always put a nice note with my husbands lunch box but it want appreciated. I tried to be the best loving caring wife only to get nothing in return. Im not being surprised with flowers or a romantic dinner, i am always the one who gives and gives and gives and believe me i do get tired.
(21) sori , November 17, 2008
Putting him as a king doesn't mean making yourself into nothing or ignoring your own wants. It just means showing honor and respect. Those who wrote about being superwoman and doing everything- that is not what your husband needs- he needs to know that you respect him- in the way you act and speak- and this will lead to the resulting"queen"
(20) Dodi , October 9, 2008
A Must for Every Married Couple!
This really do wonders for my marriage life. If my husband and I were in the middle of a fight, I let go my ego and past brattiness and simply let go and breath. Afterwards, I will give him a hug and he will kiss me back and that's an ultimate exqusite feeling. I will never EVER LET my ego be on my marriage coz its not really worth it after all. My husband is all precious too for me and just by being there beside me its worthy enough.
(19) Lisa , September 15, 2008
Give him an inch, he will take a mile
10 years of marriage has taught me that if I treat my husband like a king, then I will be exhausted and treated like his servant. He will notice what I do for him, but only when I DON'T do it, and you can bet he will let me know. When I put my husband first, there is no one looking out for me, and then I am last. And very tired.
(18) Daniela , September 15, 2008
The Truth
**We teach people how to treat us**. Plain and simple. How that applies in any particular relationship depends on how you implement this truth, and whether or not one's eyes are open to the truth of the person and who they are and one's self.