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Presumably everyone wants to keep the spark alive in their marriage. Some people may believe it's not possible. Some people may have given up. Some people may just not know how. But everyone wants it.
So what's a well-meaning husband to do? The answer is not to whisk your wife away to a private island for a romantic weekend (although that couldn't hurt). The answer is not to follow the dictates of the advertising industry and drape her in diamonds (although that couldn't hurt either).
The answer lies in small daily actions and interactions that say "I care," "You matter to me," "Your needs and goals and important to me."
There is definitely a place for romantic gestures -- flowers, dinner out, a walk along the beach (the latter having the advantage of being both romantic and free!). But the spark is really kept alive through the ins and outs of your everyday relationship -- through easing your wife's burden, by not taking her for granted, by letting her know how special she is -- and how beautiful.
The spark is kept alive by easing your wife's burden and letting her know how special she is -- and how beautiful.
We may mistakenly think that with a houseful of kids, with carpools to drive and mortgages to pay, there is no room for sparks. But this is, fortunately, not true.
While it is true that there is no room for the spoony daydreaming of the newly infatuated (and even they usually have to spend some time working so they can pay the rent!), that is not the only evidence of sparks.
The excitement in a relationship is kept alive through caring about one another, through being interested in one another and through the actions that show it.
When a tired husband takes the time to listen to the details of his wife's day (number of diapers changed and all), the sparks are rekindled. When he patiently describes his own day just because she wants to know (and even though he'd rather forget about it), the flame is kept burning. When he takes out the garbage because it bothers her, when he watches the kids and says, "You go rest" or better yet, "You go shopping," the embers continue to glow.
Every expression of love and caring keeps the sparks alive. None are too trivial to hold back from saying, and don't be stingy with them. Every time you tell your wife you love her, the flame of your marriage burns brighter.
We get confused; we think we need a Hollywood set, designer gowns and sparkling conversation. We look for the perfect setting, the cloudless sky, the moonlit evening.
But believe it or not, sparks can be kindled in the chaos of your family room -- in the shared pleasure of your family (even sometimes in the shared frustration), in the shared sense of goals, in the shared creation.
The fire sizzles every time a man tells his wife how much he appreciates who she is, what she has done, and yes, how attractive she is to him. Don't think your wife doesn't need hear that; everyone does. No matter how "spiritual" she is.
Jewelry is beautiful but these grand gestures can only occur on rare and special occasions (which, in this economy, seem to be even rarer and more special!). But daily life offers plenty of opportunities to keep your marriage vibrant, opportunities that don't take a lot of time but may involve the effort of refocusing, of stepping outside our owns needs and desires, of ignoring everyone and everything else that clamors for your attention.
Start with the simple gestures. Every morning, every afternoon, stop what you're doing (yes, your job can wait a few minutes; no you won't lose that deal!), call your wife and say "I love you," "Thank you for everything you do for me." I promise you, the sparks will stay alive.
Click here to read The Woman's Guide to Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Marriage.
(18) Anonymous , February 23, 2009
Dear Rabbi, Sir and / or Madam, I read your article about putting the spark back into your marriage. As I am a super romantic, I would love to share my ‘secrets’ for an extremely happy marriage. We both aim to please each other, and by doing that, it does not matter ,if we do or don’t like doing things we dislike, because the end result is that we are pleasing each other. The things which do not cost time or hardly any money are: cutting out a small heart and place it on your spouses pillow, on or under his or her plate at the table. Draw a heart on a mirror. Put a note in his/ her lunch box, which says: I love you or I appreciate your company. Just a 10 second phone call to say: I do not have time to talk, but I just want to let you know that I love you, bye, or I do not have time to talk, but just to let you know: thinking of you. When one comes home: stare in her/ his eyes for 15 seconds in silence and then say: nice to see you. Gently touch her/ his arm and say: that is because I love to stay in touch with you. Buy specific chocolates: caramel, because it is the sweetest I could find, cherry ripe, because ‘I cherish you’ (pun intended) mint because that is your favourite and you are mine. Count the days you are married and if it seems to be insignificant, make a celebration of that day, because every day with you is special and I do not take you for granted. Interrupt your partner in the middle of a sentence and say: I love you, sorry I got distracted by that thought. You are just great. Buy streamers in 6 different colours and lay them on your made up bed in the shape of a heart. Buy a tiara (little crown) in the $2 shop as a toy for little girls and put it on the pillow of your wifes bed. She is your princess. I am sure that there are many other ways of expressing love. It has worked for me. We are the happiest married people in the world and married 8635 days and still going strong. Most of true love making is done anywhere but the traditional spots. A table and 2 chairs and a good conversation and talking about each other nicely and with pride, does wonders for one’s feelings of warmth for each other. I guess this is enough for today. If you can spread any of my suggestions to anybody who needs more love in their life, please go ahead.
(17) Harvey Sinclair , February 20, 2009
It is so easy to forget her & take her for granted.
A very enlightening and inspiring article in a world where the focus is on being and doing our best to the outside world, in Shul, in our jobs, with friends, even in the shops, etc. Her needs (which are really small) are actually more important than all the others. Thank you.
(16) Rosana , February 18, 2009
I thought this article was written by a man, because of the male photo. I was imagining how good he is to understand a woman like he does...In the end I realised that it was written by a woman...Of course! Men are not so sensible and simple like us. Well, I'd love that my husband could one day pay atention to this litle big details...
(15) Saul Pillai , February 17, 2009
Nice
I'm not even married and I'm touched... *all smiles*
(14) Joe , February 17, 2009
Great list but missing something big
I agree with everything written here, but, I am surprised at the reluctance to mention a certain elephant in the room. No matter how spiritual you and she are, intimacy matters. For certain, all of the little things that show she matters must come first. However, she is still a woman and you are still a man. You need to make the time to be romantic and you need to do it becuase it is fun - not because either of you feels you are doing another duty after a long day.