There is something new afoot in the world of marital counseling these days. It's on television, on radio, in books and online. Everyone seems to be talking about it. What's this big news? (Drum roll please). It seems that men (read husbands) have needs too.
A lot of men are starting to speak out. Not in anger, but in pain. Men who feel that whatever they do, it's not enough. Men who feel constantly attacked and criticized. Men who feel neglected and taken for granted.
This troubling issue has many causes and manifestations. One significant factor in men's diminished satisfaction seems to be the birth of children.
What exactly am I saying? Certainly not that fathers aren't equally overjoyed and enamored of their offspring. Certainly not that they love them any less (sometimes more) and wouldn't lay down their lives for them.
In fact it's not the children themselves that are the exact issue but the behaviors of their mothers.
From pregnancy onward, women turn inward. They may be nauseated, they are definitely exhausted, and they are distracted by the miracles taking place within their growing and now unfamiliar body. These symptoms lead to a certain pulling back from their husbands and a decreased focus on their needs.
This situation, if not checked, can only worsen after childbirth. Not only is there more exhaustion (and more and more), not only are there more physical demands and sometimes discomfort, there are other emotional demands as well. And after all, don't the demands of an infant, toddler, young child, teenager...come before that of an adult? Our husbands can wait.
But the truth is they can't. And neither can our marriages. While some of our children's needs are obviously immediate (a crying infant comes to mind), others are not. I'm all for holding babies but it doesn't have to occur 24/7. Husbands need holding -- literal and figurative -- as well.
All relationships need nourishment. Husbands and wives need private time away from their children even if it's just 15 minutes locked in the bedroom! They need time to connect, to talk, to just be alone together.
The gift of a strong marriage is a greater gift to your children than driving them to one more piano lesson.
Not only can't your husband wait until the kids are grown to resume your relationship (and he probably won't!) but you can't either. You will have more to give to your children if you feel your husband's love and support behind you.
The gift of a strong marriage is a greater gift to your children than reading them one more book or driving them to one more piano lesson.
In addition, it's healthier for our children (at the right age) to learn delayed gratification, to recognize that all their needs can't be attended to immediately and that people outside themselves (like their parents!) have needs also. It's better for them not to feel like everything and everyone revolves around their wishes and desires.
Sure men make mistakes in marriage too (that's for another article), but this seems to be a uniquely female error. The mother-child bond can be so intense as to foster the illusion that no other relationship is necessary. But that not only destroys a marriage, it damages the child as well. That suffocating love is not a healthy environment for the full actualization of individual potential and the achievement of successful adulthood. And whatever naive hopes you retain about the possibility of this relationship satisfying your emotional needs will quickly be shattered by the advent of adolescence if not sooner.
It's a real shame that we've become so focused on being super parents that we've forgotten to be super spouses. Because that's really our first and last priority. Husbands are starting to speak up now. I just hope their wives will listen.
(46) Steve , October 29, 2009
Just a comment
Spot-on. Keep up the good work!
(45) Anonymous , October 12, 2009
I agree with every thing in that article, and yes, I am a woman. The most important thing in a marraige is your HUSBAND! The greatest danger is when a woman begins to lock her husband out of her life by not letting him make his own mistakes when caring for the children. The first time you held, bathed, or fed your baby, you didn't get it right either. But when you criticize your husband for his "rediculous" mistakes you hurt him, and send the message that you DON'T want him to help, rather you are happier and better off when he's not there. So, naturally, he'll find other hobbies to keep himself busy. And then you'll complain about his being "absent" and "emotionally withdrawn" while you "slave and cook for him" and "take care of his children." Finally when the children have grown up, they'll be running to escape from your grip, and you'll be left alone with your husband--a stranger to you after all these years. What I said above is from most of my own observations, as well as influenced by the book "Woman to Woman" published by the Artscroll series. Every woman needs to read this book!
(44) Anonymous , July 7, 2009
Wow!!
Finally...someone gets it! Thank you for giving me and probably thousands of men the voice that is not heard enough these days. I think too many women play the role of martyr these days as if to satisfy some artificial sense of worth embodied in a completely fictional character known as the "supermom". Husbands and fathers have many more demands being placed on them these days too and do a lot more than even a generation ago. Yet the stereotype still exists of the lazy dad sitting on the couch watching the football game. No one would dare criticize a mother or wife for spending too much time on the phone. That's considered acceptable behavior, that's what women do. I'm tired of the double standard, and I am one of many men who I'll bet are thankful for this commentary that gives us voice. If I here one more self-righteous woman tell me to step up and be a mensch I think I will get ill. Those of you who speak this way wouldn't know or appreciate a good man if he walked up to you and said hello. Wise up! Appreciation works both ways.
(43) also anonymous , June 2, 2009
Comment 30 is so right
Anonymous comment 30- I so agree with everything you wrote. I use to have a negative attitude that my husband should do everything for me because I work so hard, etc. Then I thought about all the positive things he did do -there are some good things in even the least involved husbands if you look hard enough- and I began to really appreciate him and express that. He totally rose to the occasion and then some. Women are the ones who set the tone in the home. Complain if you want but it won't make it better.
(42) Ruth , May 26, 2009
I agree with Deborah's response
Too much is expeteted of women these days, full time careers, raising the children, running the household, taking care of their husband's and childrens' needs, always putting themselves last. Many husbands do not contribute to the enormous effort and want only to complain they're not getting enough attention. Well, if they feel that way it's probably because of a dysfunctional childhood - they need to get in touch with that, get over it and step up and behave like menches - surely their wives will give back 10 fold (just think, many wives DO IT ALL and never get help, thanks or appreciation!