Emotional Infidelity

I speak from experience. It is possible to destroy one's marriage because of intimacy with the same sex as well. When one takes the issues in a marriage to a friend there is a disconnect between the married couple. It is sharing an intimacy only meant for the couple. In my opinion, it is attaching a third party and exhausting the energy and which should be focused on the solution which only the couple can truthfully come up with. I do believe there is room for compitant and Bible based counseling, and both wife and husband should be involved in the counseling - not just one going for help. How can only one person work on a situation where both are involved?

Both my spouse and I have friends of both genders, and we both treasure and grow because of those connections. We have become friends with some of each other's friends, again of both genders, and it has brought us closer. But I draw the line at friendships with those with whom one has had a physical relationship in the past. No matter how "over and done" that relationship might be, there is a danger there like none other. That person has interacted with you in an intimate way -- the boundaries are already down. At best, you may pretend that there is nothing there, or claim "that it ended for a reason", but that is still someone you have seen, touched, etc already. You can ignore, but never really forget. And even if you think it's over and in the past for you, think about your spouse. Should they have to interact with, entertain, invite over someone with whom their spouse was intimate in the past? Talk about uncomfortable!

Sofiya, hopefully, you will never experience the devastation this article is talking about. However, it is obvious to me that you have never been married before. NEVER underestimate any threat to your marriage, even one that you discount as not possibly happening in your relationship. This article IS about emotional infidelity. I hope you never experience trusting someone and being horribly disappointed by THEIR behavior.

My wife and I were really struggling in our relationship. I learned that I needed to cut out all sexual undercurrents from my relationships with co-workers, however innocent I had tried to make them seem, and however heavy my denial in order to turn our marriage around. That's why I strongly identify with this article's suggestion to focus all sexual energy within marriage. However I disagree strongly with the article's implication that there is a similar need to focus all deep friendship within marriage. Non-sexual friendships do not have to be a zero-sum game and need not at all become like trying to run multiple businesses. I find that, for me at least, it is good and healthy to have strong non-sexual friendships out of our marriage as long as they do not exacerbate a comparative lack of closeness within our marriage. A more positive, realistic and healthier approach to any actual or potential imbalance is for me to make sure to invest enough in our marriage to tip the scales so that there is more closeness and friendship within our marriage than beyond it. I have found, however, that sexual energy outside our marriage is an entirely different story. I have found that sexual energy is a zero-sum game - sexual energy outside our marriage is sexual energy that has been squandered and robbed from our marriage. And today I can know when it is sexual, when in the past I used to deny it. I know that when I am in anyway motivated to get close to a woman in a way that I would not if she were a man, if I have an interest in relating to a woman I find attractive in a way that I would not if I did not find her attractive - then I know that the chances are very high that there is some sexual chemistry at work. Having discovered how rewarding investing in our marriage is, I am able to forgo the need to look for anything sexual in interactions with the opposite sex and I am more than willing to sacrifice the thrills of sexual undertones outside our marriage.

I agree we need to keep a fence but while I am happy to to do so a few times in my life I have found a few comments to a stranger suddenly revealed a depth of understanding I find lacking in my life with my, at this stage, significant other. These are always on "spiritual" concepts and these conversations, the few times they have happened, are so enriching..One set of conversations was with a Rabbi. The net effect is that I realy want to have these conversatons with my significant other & try to open these areas up for conversation. It seems we are just not on the same frequency. He is very much in the physical world while I feel I am moving away from it. Is this emotional infidelity or just a poor match?

I'm in a marriage that has never connected us, despite my complete love and devotion to my husband. He's not deep, understanding or supportive, but only superficially caring, because that's the right thing to do. In an effort to strengthen my marriage bond, over time, I lost the few friendships I had, but it didn't work and so I started keeping to myself. I'm a professional with many male colleagues and clients, but it never occurred to me to turn to them for encouragement or a listening ear; my issues at home were my cross to bear, so to speak. Our marriage had since deteriorated further, to the point where I was ready to call it quits, but we agreed to give it one final shot for the sake of our children. A week later there was a life-changing event which left my husband temporarily disabled and in need of my constant care. Since I still loved him deeply, and since we were determined to make our marriage work, I used this challenge to show him how much he and our marriage meant to me. I gave him a level of care that left the hospital and home-care staff, as well as his friends, speechless, and envious of our bond. I can honestly say that if he hadn't recovered, I would have had no regrets and known that I had done my best. No one knew that this was a one-way street. Therefore, the way he treated me during that time and in the months that followed, were a painful stab in the gut. I had no emotional bond with him at all, despite my love. But that was the last straw and my love waned. At the time, there was a male in my children's lives who was familiar with our home situation as he got to witness it on a daily basis, and when he asked how he could be of help, I unburdened myself to him. We started talking more frequently over the following months, and my husband did not appreciate it, to say the least. But instead of seeing the problem between the two of us, he destroyed the man whose kindness saved me. That man lost everything, and my marriage is on shakier ground.

As I read the article, i found it to be right on the mark. After reading the feedback comments, I am shocked that so many people are clueless about the fragility of marriage. If one doesn't work at building a relationship with a spouse EVERY DAY, it can dissipate, the closeness can just go away, leaving resentment and dispair. The reason why we don't close the door when alone with a member of the opposite sex (such as at work or parent-teacher interviews) is to prevent the "wrong appearances". Does that mean we are going to be intimate with every member of the opposite sex just because we're alone with them? of course not, it means that if we put the gates t-h-i-s far away from the danger, there is little risk of falling into the danger itself. Even if we stumble, we'll only be "this" far away from the danger. Put the gates of protection so close to the danger that a sneeze can make you fall into disaster, and you have no chance at safety. The Torah teaches us how to live, maybe some of these readers need to take a good look at their intentions and the way Hashem has prescribed our behaviours.

I like your comment, I think it very much reflects what I was thinking after reading this article.

If I saved all news & events for my fiance only, I'd burst! If I am not to share anything with anyone outside my home, what about my relationship with my family members? I talk to them and attend outings with them that are interesting to us and not my fiance. Should I stop these too? A relationship is based on trust. Your article is obviously for couples who do not trust one another and are in danger of falling into an emotional relationship with someone other than their spouse. My creativity and curiosity are sparked by my colleagues and my friends, both of my and of the opposite sex. They make my life interesting and introduce me to ideas that I love to share with my fiance. So please don't tell me that sharing a joke with my colleagues will doom my upcoming marriage.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE BEING UNFAITHFUL? all 7 points that you ask us to check out - will have the same result whether our friends are same sex or opposite sex. if i "chewed something to death" and have no desire to repeat it all over again to my spouse - it is because of the repetition, not because of opposite sex relattionships. it is just boring all over again... i would like to hear your opinion. thanks,

A very amazing and good article. I'm passed throught some marriage disease, that were typicaly rooted upont the lost of energy described above in the article. Only focusing energy avoiding futile and dangerous behaviour with member of the opposite sex, I realized how the chance to improve of my marriage were higher and....I finally have saved it!! Todah rabbah meod for the beautiful words Rabbi Neuman!

This is a very good point, I agree...;)...I have looked up the meaning of your name and it means 'army land'...you definitely are in the line of fire...surrounded by so many women...on a daily basis...;)...

It's good to read what I have always felt within, when all my friends thought I was old-fashioned!!! Once I had a cup of coffee with a male colleague, and I felt really that it was inapropriate! The true TSNIOUT is not about the length of your skirt but about your ATTITUDE, and this goes for both men and women!

i hear it, and i think it's true. i also would add that facebook, internet and email adds to this mystique of being in touch with friends or old friends of the opposite gender. I can see why you'd point out that it's not where our energy should be going. thanks - from the Mrs

A great danger in marriage is loss of trust and income.I'm in the fashion world and have women around me all day. So spare me your b.s.

I have seen some real life womanizers and I can say that having friends of the opposite gender does not necessarily mean always a trouble. It very much depends on the situation. I am a faithful person and I have never cheated on my spouse. If there is a real attraction between two people than it is more tempting than if there is not, nevertheless I still believe that it is in the hands of the woman to control the situation and let the other interested party know that the spouse she has at home is enough for her. Sometimes there are misunderstandings and they stem also from the fact that the interested party does not know that someone is married.

It is most common that women have close relationships with their female friends and family members,sisters and sisters in law, neighbors, etc..Hours are spent together raising children, in playgrounds, phone calls, shopping , walks, "chessed" projects and even in shul. Without meaning to, many women turn to female friends and discuss difficulties with husbands, meaning well and seeking advice, comfort, and recognition for endless efforts in managing a home with "shalom bayit". Any intimate relationship requires emotional intimacy and support . "Good wives" don't talk "bad" about the spouse, just focus on gaining strength or positive recognition ' without thinking this is talking "Lashon Hara"! Just think about these discussions in terms of emotional fidelity or lack of it. Are we truely honest with our husbands , emotionally honest with ourselves? Often it's difficult communicating with husbands emotionaly, and as girls we feel comfortable discussing emotions within our natural support group, our friends. Consider this thought- How would we feel if our husbands would discuss these matters with their friends at work, at the "kosher gym", before and after davening, shiyur. etc. We most probably would feel "cheated". If there is have a problem communicating on an emotional level with our spouses- first recognize the problem and seek professional help! Don't talk about private, intimate issues with friends- of the same or the opposite sex. As written so well in the article , emotional energy is limited, Any giving or seeking intimate emotional nurturing (without physical contact) through talks with friends, is draining that energy from your marriage,so spend it with care.

as many cooments testify it is possible to have close friends of the opposite gender without damaging a marriage. at the same time many other comments show the danger such relationships pose to marriage.it seems to me it depends on the individuals and environment how strictly one chooes to follow this advice. at minimum i can appreciate the wisdom of the author's view and again at minimum i'd advise at least asking ones potentilal spouse or present one if already married how they feel about this issue

I don't know about you or your readers, but I don't have enough friends to abandon the ones that I have because they may not be of my gender. Relationships need to be managed, and you need to know what is appropriate and what is not. Maybe the people who come to you for counseling don't know how to do that - and that's why they get to you in the first place.

My spouse and I are in very different fields. For various reasons, we don't discuss work issues with each other, and we do with colleagues. Reasons people may do this may be requirements of their job (a professional may not violate attorney-client or physician-patient privilege; government classified information may only be discussed with others with a similar security clearance) or because they need the advice of colleagues' expert opinions that a spouse not in that field cannot provide. So when we get home from work, we'll ask about each other's day, we'll discuss matters of common interest (our children, our community, our hobbies) but not work. And if one of us is exhausted, the other gives the support or space that's needed. We've been doing this for 28 years, so we must be doing something right....

I agree with how you direct couples. If both partners are on the same way length, this would truly help a marriage. In the real world, that is not always the case. Men that are womanizer's, want to be that way. If you express how you feel about it, he may stop that around you, but will continue to be away from you. I can work around and do projects with; volunteer work with the opposite sex without feeling an emotional charge for them. This is more about what a person is like. If a person is a flirt when they are married, that does mean trouble. Whether the flirt is your spouse or someone from the outside flirting with them. Someone that is like that is looking for an affair. They are just waiting for someone that will say yes to them. The flirting is testing the water to see if the other will warm up and respond back. The "flirt" knows from the other response whether there is a possiblity. Beware of the flirt! This article has very sound advise. The only problem is that the people reading it are the faithful ones. The spouse that needs to; sees the title "infidelity" and will stay clear from it. To say the opposite sex can not work together without emotional bonds to take place, would be extreme. For some that may be a problem. Once a cheat always a cheat is usually the rule. Because cheating is in their heart; it is what they want to do and want to be like. It's a choice they have embedded into them. General rule: You should never be alone with the opposite sex when you are married other than your spouse.(family) This practice whether married or not is applied in doctor offices, during evaluations at the workplace--the door is kept open or another female has to be present. I work around some people that come to work to socialize more than they work. We are paying them to work! Can people keep the focus? Whether as a paid worker or a marriage agreement of fidelity?

This article is 100 percent true- regardless of what time and age we live in, true platonic relationships between men and women NEVER exist! Whether it be emotional or physical connectedness, this energy is meant to be directed to our spouses... opposite sex friendships should be avoided if the goal is to remain faithful to your significant other... regardless of how anyone wants to justify their opposite sex friendships there is an element of chemistry or difference in relating that men and women experience, and this is the way Gd intended, so that men and women can properly unite within the context of marriage and marriage ONLY!

I agree with the article, my husband ended up having emotional feelings for our mutual friend, he had detached emotionaly from me, he only had eyes for her. Our mutual friend, realized what was happening and she came to me and told me that she did not want to be part of this, so she detached from our friend ship but our marriage has suffered greatly. I do not know how to trust my husband anymore. He neglected me so much; while he was so attached to her that I suffered greatly, I feel broken hearted and I do not belief in him any more. To me is as if he truely cheated on me. while he was emotionally attached to her, I was unable to talk to him everything I did was wrong, he could not stand me by his side, it was awful.

One who is blind to the truth cannot be made to see. This is a remarkably wise article, well-written and totally consonant with Torah ideals. Had I read it four years ago I would probably still be married.

Your article was largely correct. However, you state repeatedly that the reason you can't relate to a spouse after interacting with others is the lack of energy. "You can only do so much" That is not correct. Believe me. the Yetzer Hara will give you the energy to tell a joke or be friendly with 10 or 50 or 100 others. When it comes to your wife, whether she is 11rh, or 51st, or 101 you will be expended. That is because as I recall the Rav Nevenzhal explained in one of his books, when you are married, you form a combined man-woman soul. That is united spiritually in the upper worlds as well as physically. That married soul is damaged by your interaction by others of the opposite sex. Or by Yihud, which you didn't mention, with another of the opposite sex. That is why when the wife or husband comes home, there is no "energy" to be intimate, to be humorous, to give gifts to your spouse. Instead you suddenly find fault with each other on every little thing and on nonexistent things. The real reason is that this man woman soul has been damaged. And fighting begans. and sometimes worse. The correct solution is as you say, to cease and desist with your varied relationships with others of the opposite sex and only relate in a formal and business like way when necessary.

I think culture and norm are important concepts to be considered in this subject. Hence, it may be out of place to generalised

As I understand it, the issue is not that emotional intimacy with members of the opposite sex could lead to infidelity (though that is an issue too obviously) it's that everything that you are giving to these other individuals by flirting, spending time, and/or confiding in them is taking away from the emotional intimacy with your spouse. Though I really think that this problem is not limited to members of the opposite sex- you could be spending way too much time sharing your feeling with a best girfriend when you should use it to stay close to your spouse. Some people just need more relationships. I'm not one of those people and I find that if I'm calling others a lot to talk about problems, etc. it's because me and the hubby are not connecting as we should be.

I agree so whole-heartedly with this article, because I know that the Torah has no tolerance for "emotional infedelity." No tolerance for any of the aspects discussed in the "test yourself" section of this important article. Of course, having come from California-- prior to aliya many years ago, I can appreciate the fact that this article will strike most people as odd. But you guys should know that there is a sorld of difference between society as you know it, and the healthy society that I have come to know...a world of difference! And I know both of these worlds...

This article is very relevant. It is the precursor to many things...one of them being an oft overlooked way to promote jealousy and animosity between spouses. I have a girlfriend who leans on me and her husband and I speak as well. My husband noticed our friend's husband doing so and we have been thinking about ways to speak to him to get him help from perhaps a male friend -perhaps my husband instead of me. I took small steps in lessening this. I have stopped responding to the emails that he sends filled with jokes and trivia. It really is unnecessary for him to email me. Look, for all of those who oppose this article...it makes my husband uncomfortable. Enough said. Who comes first? My husband or our friend's husband? I really hope all of you will pick the correct answer......

Basically I agree with the author. This view goes against the current thinking that close friendships between members of the opposite sex are as healthy as those involving same genders but it seems to me that the Torah sages and current thinking have never been completely in sync no matter what the time period. In response to #1 it is a mistake to think that within traditional/haredi circles one is encouraged to marry without chemistry. While hardly the only or even the most important it is an essential ingredient and it is forbidden to marry someone who in secular terms one is physically" turned off" by .

I agree wholeheartedly with this article. I have been married for 11 years and have noticed the differences when I have had relationships with gentlemen as well as those who are negative (whether male or female) and are negative influences. It is a relatively american/western concept that one cannot stand being told, who and/or what they can do and associate with. I would like to reiterate the authors statement. "When you find yourself getting irritated with what I have to say, consider: Why does it bother you? Why are you resisting the idea? Why not see if I'm right by making some changes? What is it that you're trying to protect by maintaining the kind of relationships you're presently involved in? If these relationships aren't as "damaging" as I say, because you say you don't find them that important and they aren't going to lead anywhere, then prove it to yourself by letting go of them. If they don't mean that much to you, why the irritation when I ask you to cut back on these friendships?" Think about it before you get emotional please.

Mind-boggling how anyone can commend this article.

I don't know about you, but I value every one of my friends and am not about to throw one away based on your theories. What's worse, somewhere an abusive, controlling spouse is going to use this article as an excuse to demand an end to supportive friendships outside the home. I dress modestly and behave appropriately; that's all it takes to keep these friendships comfortably in the safe zone. What next, segregated buses? Such nonsense.

Sure, some people are in danger of being tempted emotionally or physically by someone outside their marriage, but how does that lead to a policy of EVERYONE being advised to only make friends with the same sex? The fact is that millions of married people manage to have opposite-sex friends and remain happily married. If you think you are at risk for ruining your marriage by doing anything wrong, such as drinking too much, being on the computer too much, having poor listening skills, etc., OR letting opposite-sex friends tempt you in any way, then stop doing the objectionable thing. But to say all opposite-sex friendships outside marriage is unadvisable, is not backed up by the facts. It's not the friendships, it's the lack of moral restraint, or naivete, or being with the wrong spouse to begin with, that causes the problem. In fact, this sounds very Arab, the concept that (usually the woman) even casual contact with members of the opposite sex somehow leads to ruin.

This article illustrates a very important point- we need to share our thoughts and activities with our spose first, than with friends , including both opposite and same sex friends! One of the best ways to keep the marriage alive is to start a project together, work on it together and discuss it with your spouse. You will discover new wonderfull qualities and remember the attributes that made you fall in love with this person. How many of us know a couple who went separate ways after the long years of HIS hockey -nights with his "buddies "and HER weekend shopping trips with other "gals"? They just lost touch with each other. Please , "wake up and smell the coffee"!

I'm really shocked at all the comments here that think Mr. Nueman's views are extreme or archaic. I 100% agree with him. If you read the examples that he lists it would be clear to you that he is not suggesting zero contact with members of the opposite sex, just guarded and with a lot of necessary boundaries, I am divorced and throughout my eleven year marriage I would never have allowed any of the above listed examples to happen. When you are married there is absolutely no excuse to have an exclusive friend of the opposite sex, no good can come from it. And to those of you who brought up same sex friends that serve the same purpose, one must be careful to have the spouse as the primary confidant and person to emotionally rely on.

this is absurd. men and women can be friends and colleagues without temptations to infidelity. why would any of us want to hash out our work problems at home? that is what your colleagues are for.

Mr. Krohn, your words here, "A spouse who feels threatened by most of your described activities is in need of serious therapy. The important thing is that you come home after work and have intimacy exclusively with your mate. Then, you and your spouse can have a beer and laugh off whatever nonsense took place at the office," show the ignorance of many today who share your view on this subject. We need to be honest with ourselves about our human weaknesses. The important thing is not just about what happens physically. We need to be strong and guard ourselves emotionally by following the advice that is given in this article, and as someone else wrote earlier, instruction from Pirkei Avot also. We have to realize our own human weaknesses... it is natural for a spouse to feel jealous or insecure when they are faced with their spouse spending much time or effort on someone else. We are very insecure and superficial as human beings. This is part of the reason why we do not look at the Kohanim when they give the birkat kohanim, so that we not look at them and think they look silly or stupid when they are doing their task to bestow Hashem's blessing upon us. If that is the case, how sensitive should we be to our weaknesses when it comes to the attractiveness of members of the opposite sex. Be HONEST. Our EMOTIONS are what drive us and we need to guard them.

I agree with Mr. Neuman all the way. My husband and I do not have any friends of the opposite gender, unless they are married couples and we hang out together as couples, but they are not people that the other does not know. We agree that that situation is dangerous to a marriage for the same reasons listed here. I think it is important for men and women to have friends of the same sex though. Men need to connect to males and women to other females. This can be beneficial when talking about issues that come up, with getting advice for a course of action, for just doing hobbies that your spouse may not enjoy as much. Great article and I do not find it at all archaic but rather a very necessary message, especially for today's society.

It takes an incredibly inflated and needy ego to declare that you be "all that" to a partner. This article smacks of the extremism of Saudi culture. Having lived with someone who demanded 24/7 attention and "worship," I also find that this verges on IDOLATRY!

I"ve read gary's book and he makes this point. Imagine how a wife would feel if her husband shares more intimate details about his life with his close friend or brother, than with her? she'll feel second fiddle. The key to a great marriage is making sure your spouse feels she is number one. She's the prioirty, the main person you're sharing your life. that doesn't mean no friends! it means everything needs to be in its proper proportion.

I think this article comes dangerously close to the fanatical way in which some religious groups view contact between the sexes. In Saudi Arabia they recently arrested and jailed a woman who had a cup of coffee with a man who was not her husband. If in order to be faithful a couple have to forfeit their friends, this is the beginning of an unhealthy dependence. This kind of isolation is unnatural. I would not feel comfortable asking my husband to never look at another woman or have another woman friend. Nor would I tolerate the same request. What an insecure marriage would we have then!

while it seems possible to have friendly relations with someone of the opposite sex emotional intimacy with one other than a spouse is as dangerous as physical intimacy.in fact i suspect that unconsciously adulterers are seeking emotional intimacy and accepting the counterfeit [illusion of intimacy]which for certain is easier to handle than the real deal.

By this logic, we should have no friends at all outside marriage. In fact, no relationships at all! Talking to female friends all day at work can be just as exhausting, if not more exhausting, than talking to males. Also, the relationships one forms with members of the same sex can sometimes be even deeper and more intimate than the relationship with a spouse. You didn't make it clear why only relationships of the OPPOSITE sex are so dangerous, since we're assuming this won't lead anywhere physical. I agree with others who have said it depends on the marriage and it depends on the outside relationship. Obviously, male-female friendships CAN be very dangerous to a marriage, but this sounds like throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

when it comes to inter-gender interaction, once it's not professional, technical or negative, it's, to the smallest of degrees, intimate. intimate because the vast majority of people derive enjoyment from said interaction. (not worth going into the psychology of this if we can just accept it's accuracy.) that established, knowing what that "thrill" feels like to you, how would you feel knowing that your significant other felt that way towards someone of the opposite gender? feel free to discredit it as insignificant in the scheme of things, but if it bothers or hurts you at all, that's a crack in the foundation. even if those cracks are indiscernible, the foundation will cleave along those fissures when it suffers a blow it could have otherwise sustained.

You say, "When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does." This would apply equally to a good friend of the same sex too, wouldn't it? Some women are emotionally closer to their female friends and some men are emotionally closer to their male friends than to their spouse. You say, "If we started a family, we'd feel obligated to focus our attention on our child. We wouldn't dream of spending large amounts of time alone with another child." And yet countless parents spend large amounts of time working and allowing daycare and babysitters to raise their children, so this analogy is sadly, not one that many relate to these days.

I share an office space with three male co-workers. The only one female co-worker is a nasty woman who lashes out at me. I try to minimize the conversation, as I am married. But it is hard being in an office and not having any human contact for 8 hours.

so so true. i know this becoz my spouse has a close "friendship" with a member of the opp sex at work. I 1000% know there is nothing going on, but emotionally, they spend way more together than I do, and yes, when there are work issues that is who they turn to. very difficult, but thank you for publicizing this issue!

It's not much of a marriage if it's threatened by any contact with the opposite sex

As a teacher in public school, I see how friendships need border guards just like the U.S./Mexico border. To those who find the article's position extreme- NOBODY is saying to be paranoid or antisocial. Nevertheless, there is a difference between job related discussions and excessive, idle chatter with the opposite sex. For the person who asked what the biblical or talmudical source is- check the 1st chapter of Pirkei Avot where it says "Al tarbeh sicha im ha'isha" -- don't talk excessively with women. Once again, this does not mean that all speech is off limits. It may help to erect your own fences/boundaries at work. Flirting with anyone at work is asking for trouble. Regarding the author's statement that socialization can constitute emotional infidelity- let's not kid ourselves. Human hormones and emotions are very powerful forces. There are many nice and attractive people in the world. Excessive chitchat- ESPECIALLY when combined with alcohol can lead down very dangerous roads very quickly. It was because of just these types of situations that our Sages prohibited gentile wine, and required that a Jew have some role in food preparation for cooked items. Once again for the person who wondered what is the source- look in the book of Daniel and see how he avoided gentile wines and foods. Our Sages of Blessed Memory were trying to make our lives easier and protect us from serious danger- danger that had already brought about destruction and untold suffering. Our Prophets loved us so much and wanted us to taste the sweetness of Hashem's Torah and its blessings. For a better understanding of this idea, I recommend Rabbi Manis Friedman's book "Doesn't Anyone Blush Anymore?" as well as Rabbi Tovia Singer's "Let's Get Biblical" lecture series- specifically the 2 part lecture set titled "The Oral Law".

"Protect your marriage by avoiding friendships with members of the opposite sex"... ?? Huh?? Are you seriously endorsing this idea, Aish?? If you need to 'protect' your marriage by avoiding friendships, then there is already something wrong with your marriage, and it is not your friends' fault. The real issue is not that your friends are the opposite sex. The issue is with yourself... you are either extremely jealous or possessive of your spouse, or you simply cannot trust yourself or your spouse to be around the opposite sex. If this is the case, then you probably were not mature enough to make the commitment to marriage in the first place. Get past your jealousy and trust issues before you get married and you will not feel uncomfortable about your spouse or yourself having friends of the opposite sex.

Thank you for your powerful insight. It's not about what's technically illegal or immoral. Isn't it really about building our marriages? In the divorce prone socieity we live in, isn't it about the "exquisite labor" (in the words of Rebbetzin Tehilla Jaeger) we need to invest in our marriages to make them work and last and be not just passable, but exquisite? Isn't that what we bless each bride and groom, to build a bayis neeman, a faithful home, a home built on trust and dedication, and being there for eachother? How wonderful to read such an article where we are encouraged to engender that blessing, to be partners with G-d Himself, in creating that exquisite marriage (culled from Rav Mattisyahu Solomon, shlita). Indeed it is a lot of work, but so exquisite and a blessing in our lives.

"When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does." This statement may apply equally to someone of the same and of the opposite gender. Yet Rabbi Neuman focusus only on the relationship with a member of the opposite sex.

I wish this had been available years ago, to show to friends who needed to see it. It's a slippery slope from friendship to flirting to questioning your own relationships. Yiska mentioned having casual conversations with the opposite sex and not having it progress. Women can do this, but men have a harder time of this. (Yes there are exceptions, but you may not run into them.) If you make sure that all your non-work conversations are about FAMILY, it is easier to keep your priorities straight. One of my colleagues will tell me about books he found that my husband will like, and I will ask another co-worker about when his wife will be available for certain events. But my husband is my best friend, and everyone else has to take a number.

I totally agree with the author. For the last few months I had some email exchange with a guy who I came to know from my work but who I haven’t met personally. I did not take it serious until he decided to come to meet me during his vocational trip. He even suggested that we go to a two night trip to a famous beach area. I felt awkward, uncomfortable, because I was not flirting but just helping him with some information and besides both of us were married although we were not with our spouses temporarily due to the work. My emotional stress was getting bigger. Something told me it was just not all right. I made it clear I will not accompany him in the trip but failed to tell him not to come and meet me. However I made sure my husband know about his arrival. He came and I helped him with sightseeing for a half day. I kept distance. Thanks God all went fine. I realize people can interpret kindness differently. I will not exchange innocent emails with opposite sex at all.

Sorry to tell you, but that is where her connection belongs. A woman with children should not get remarried in the first place. She owes it to her child. Maybe if you understood that that is where her emotional connection should be, encourage that bond, and participate, you would be able to renew your connection with her. You did not mention whether you have children together, but the worst thing for a kid who is the VICTIM of divorce is for their parents, either one, to remarry and make a new family with somone else. SO, I say Baruch HaShem and Kudos to your wife for keeping her emotional connections where they should be, her child, who will be shaped as a human being by that connection. Her connection with you is definately secondary. There is a difference, ofcourse, when there is an intact family. In that case both parents have the best interest of child in heart and there is less of a struggle, so you cannot compare the sitruation.

So much clarity here...most importantly, this applies to the Dating Relationship as well. How can we possibly focus on a prospective, potential husband or wife if we're diluting the relationship with 'real effort' toward maintaining the same 'friendships' with our friends of the opposite sex?

but if we are real honest, and open ourselves up to the kind of exclusive, intimate marriage the author is getting at, it's obvious that getting emotionally close to someone else from the opposite sex hampers the marriage. That energy and closeness should be directed toward the spouse. Of course one needs to be courteous and friendly to coworkers - that's not what the author is talking about. Being courteous is one thing, going out for a drink and pouring out your heart, sharing your private life etc is something else altogether. If there isn't that sense of jealousy and violaton, then it just shows how far we have sunk as a society.

Neuman's book, Emotional Infidelity, is excellent. Very readable with anecdotes and examples. Very practical. One of my favorite books, period.

Since we are made in the image of Hashem then surely our spouses are infinitely fascinating and we need not look elsewhere for excitement. If we are tempted then I say that we are inching closer to transgression. In Mishlei we are warned about desires overtaking us and listening to wisdom. Rabbi Neuman is giving us a modern version of Mishlei. Not keeping these percepts will lead to our own demise. I know two marriages that were destroyed. And it always happens so innocently. It is never an earth shattering experience. It can begin with an innocent coffee. Then couple of weeks later it is sharing a personal problem. Nothing wrong with that, right? But then he or she lends a shoulder to cry on. Nothing wrong with that, right? Or, the other person gently touches the other to tell them that all is well. Nothing wrong with that, right? Or after telling a joke in the office one of them touches the other's shoulder as a sign of acknowledgement. Is that all right? Did you know that studies have shown that touching a member of the other sex for more than 20 seconds one begins to bond with them? Did you also know that a man only needs to speak to a woman in a neutral tone or positively and the woman will begin to have positive thoughts about him. That is what modern research has shown. As long as the man does not say anything negative the woman will begin to think positive things about him. She does not even know this. So, does anyone still think that our ancient wisdom is backward? Thank you Rabbi Neuman.

I agree that there are situations where one spouse is not giving the marriage his or her full energy (manifested in a variety of ways), and that this can sometimes lead to either emotional and or physical infidelity. However, to say that it is dangerous to have a platonic friendship (no flirting or sexual feelings involved) with someone of the opposite sex is something I would expect to hear being promoted by a man living in a restrictive Moslem society - not by someone from a democratic, Western society. I am involved in a serious relationship with someone to whom I am completely committed. That doesn't mean that I have cut off all my previous friends - either male or female.

...if I couldn't have casual conversations with the opposite sex. I can not stand catty females, my husband understands this, and I spend time with him AND our guy friends without cheating. It can be done.

I don't fully agree with the premise but for the sake of argument, you left one type of "infidelity" out of the equation. Children. They can also draw one spouse emotionally away. My wife's emotional "connection" is with a child from a former marriage, and the priority of their emotional connection has destroyed what ever connection we once had. Our marriage is now only on paper.

I can't believe that I'm actually understanding this concept about friends outside marriage. Thank You. If your mate is as interested in what you have to say as your friends are, then the exclusive relationship will be enough. If you are as interested in what your mate says and does as her friends are, then it will work. Does the same rule apply to colleagues of the same sex? I've found that men are gool ole' boys bonding with their male friends and very bored at home. Same with women and women friends. It has to do with being non-judgemental. I agree that confiding in and having fun with friends does take away from marriage. Isn't there a way to combine both?

I Understand it's Merit Completely. I Agree with it those who don't are usually the first to Commit Adultery, I'm speaking from experience, with this One. Their was not A happy ending until me and my wife stopped seeing friends of the Opposite sex, the only Friends of the Opposite Sex we see now are Married

People don't like to hear this, people love to call anyone who espouses such views archaic and small-minded, but if you look at the best marriages you know you will find them to be lacking in emotional infidelity. One commenter here talked about the corrosive effects of jealousy; the Talmud actually talks about this, and says that too much jealousy is a bad thing, BUT it also says that no jealousy is a very bad thing. If someone's friend has a very close friendship with a member of the opposite sex and they don't have a problem with that it means they are not realizing the full potential of their marriage already, because if they were, an impediment life that would make itself very obvious...

These recommendations are too severe for the modern workplace. How awful to have to live in a cell in public. I disagree, and I'm sticking to it!

really now, some people are just friends and it is ridiculous to have completely segregated societies. Most of the times people do have friends of their own sex, but there is work, and other situations. I do not agree with this kind of mindset at all. And I do not think that a friendship automatically leads to adultery.

I cannot agree with all that is said. I have had childhood friends f both male & female f rom kindergarten, through high school & have maintained their friendship. When we meet its fun & relaxing to talk about old times. It has never interfered with my married life. A friend is a friend no matter what the gender.

This article is amazing. I admire the bravery of the writer to expose himself to being ridiculed, critisized and condemned and to nonetheless portray the truth as it is! Yasher koach! Keep up the good work.

Sometimes, if a husband is completely emotionally disconnected, such as in Asperger's syndrome, which is predominantly a male syndrome, a wife has no choice but to seek emotional sustenance outside the marriage.

I both agree and disagree with the above article. I know from first hand experience that emotional intimacy with another can be damaging to a marriage. Must it be, no. The problem occurs if the emotional intimacy with another carves out of the marriage relationship aspects which were exclusive to that marriage. (I use the word "exclusive" because sexual exclusivity is generally focused on.) So consider this scenario: Your spouse has no interest in something about which you are passionate. It could be anything; music, photography, sports, ______. Sharing that passion with another without impinging upon the set of exclusive activities is reasonable and may actually provide more balance, (i.e. no resentment towards one's spouse). If, however, more and more time is taken away from your spouse, and/or the boundaries of exclusion start to change, this does likely indicate a problem. Unfortunately, most of us cannot neatly sequester ourselves so neatly that some overlap does not occur. Be aware then of how your thoughts and emotions shift. How much time is spent thinking or fantasizing or anticipating being with your friend? If that starts to grow, and you find yourself becoming more critical towards your spouse, you have a problem. Best, to be honest with yourself, and monitor how your emotional and imaginary mindscapes are changing. Like so many things about being human and being in relationships, it is not easy to honestly parse out the details. You can, however, track changes as I have described above, and you can observe patterns which indicate emerging problems. Not being in relationship to others is neither realistic or possible. (We are social creatures.) But, with a single primary commitment being front and centre, and a commitment to honesty with oneself, potentially hazardous problems can be identified and dealt with before they become overwhelming.

I would be interested in seeing your biblical, talmudic, or other references to "emotional adultery." Your article does more to generate guilt than mature relationships. Jealousy is a far greater threat to marriage than any innocent encounter with a friend of the opposite sex. A spouse who feels threatened by most of your described activities is in need of serious therapy. The important thing is that you come home after work and have intimacy exclusively with your mate. Then, you and your spouse can have a beer and laugh off whatever nonsense took place at the office.

I am sure this man is a great expert, but also probably some what aged, quite literally. Friendships need not go anywhere ever with either sex. However, sometimes friends are only that and if you have a few female friends, it is not damaging to a marriage. it is only damaging if those friendships take the place of your spouse in your life. Also, in today's modern culture, most young adults and below are now friend with tremendous amounts of people, both sexes, races, religions, and sexual preference. In such an ever evolving world. These children and young adults are going to see friends as only that and when they see that most marriages, and probaly their parents' marriages did not work out they are going to be resigned to keeping themselves (not everyone mind you) away from fully giving over to another person, they will want to keep what friends they have. In the culture of today, we have iconic figures like the sex and the city girls, who not only discuss everything with each other regarding every detail of their lives, including sex, but we also have those of the Hangover Guys. these friendships can be just as disastrous and dangerous. truthfully, friendships, like the marriage should be seen and dealt with as friendships. We should remember to never replace our spouse. They should come first, but having opposite friends does not mean they no longer do. it is up to each individual couple to work within the parameters of their marriage and work it out. for the health and well being of the marriage itself. Also, a very brief sidenote, sending around a funny joke to other office workers while at work promotes good workplace attitude and helps to make a cohesive work unit that will produce better. As long as everything is kept appropriate and sent according to how everyone feels in relation to one another. For instance nothing extremely dirty, as it is also probably against the companies policiies

Over the course of my professional life, I've worked in fields which are virtually exclusively male. Would you resign me to having no workplace relationships at all? My husband of 11 years and I both recognize the corrosive nature of jealousy; especially if I'm not available, I encourage him to see his friends -- yes, even single women -- and likewise, he knows that work is work and personal is personal. If "emotional infidelity" is part of the picture, the marriage is on shakey ground to begin with. Don't impose ideas on the population at large based on the outliers.

One of the reasons I ended my marriage was his inexplicable emotional dependance on his siblings and mom. Everything, just about every issue was discussed with them, not only before it was discussed with me, but oftentimes in place of being discussed with me. He went as far as having a minor surgery surronded by his siblings, myself hearing about it only after it was over. Same thing as business trips, I would only hear about them a few days before.

Yup. My husband had a "friend". She was just a "friend". While I was working full-time and taking care of his house and children, he would sit with his "friend" for coffee or his lunch break. He's married to her now.

I agree with the above article...there's just one problem. In our culture we are not encouraged to marry for romantic love. We are encouraged to marry the person who seems like he could be a good friend, have the same values, help you raise children etc. One shouldn't be repulsed by the person but fireworks are not necessary. All these things are important. However, if romance is and never was in the picture you feel like you are married to your brother. That makes a person very vulnerable to someone who can offer that chemistry. How does one create chemistry in a marriage where it never existed? With the person whom you nag about getting the kids to school etc? Is it possible?