Dear Expectant Father

A week before my wife gave birth, my friend Sam pulled me aside and gave me “the talk.” Since then I have shared his “pre-birth shmooze” with at least a dozen men, who have all later returned, bowing in thanks.

Listen up. These principles can easily make-or-break the next few years of your married life. So here we go:

A new couple builds up trust between one another slowly. Despite all your kind gestures as a husband, you need to know that your wife is anticipating the “big test”: Will you be there for her when she gives birth, or will she end up taking care of herself, the new baby and you, too?

If you choose to remain unaware of what your wife is going through, it can send your relationship spiraling toward resentment and distrust. However, if you step up and carry her through this time of transition and challenge, then your ability to bond will reach new plateaus of caring, love and warmth.

In short, your choice of behavior over the next few months will set the course for the next few years of marriage. With the right attitude, you can save thousands of dollars in marriage counseling.

Your Wife is a Hero

Here are the key things you need to be aware of:

1) Your wife is about to undergo a painful, potentially risky endeavor. It is said that God didn’t make men into women because they wouldn’t be able to bear the pain. Women compare childbirth to... well, let’s spare the gory details. And the recovery can be pretty severe as well – there are after-contractions, maybe stitches, and – if the birth was caesarian – loss of muscle tension, etc. So she deserves tons of appreciation.

2) When a man becomes a new father, life doesn’t necessarily change all that much. He sleeps a bit less for a few weeks and runs a few more errands, but he still feels his independence via work, sports and other activities. A woman, on the other hand, loses the majority of her freedom. She is acutely aware that a living human being is totally dependant on her. If she breastfeeds, she is literally the source of whether this baby lives or dies. Her “having a life” always comes at the risk of the baby “having a life.”

Imagine someone walks into your office, drags you out and tells you that from now on you have to spend every waking hour focusing all your attention on somebody who screams and cries and is unable to communicate with you. Your wife is tabling all her previous ambitions and freedoms, and she is a hero for being able to do this. But it is a heavy burden to carry alone.

3) Many women are frightened about whether they’ll be a good mommy. If her parents were even slightly dysfunctional, then she’s carrying emotional baggage and extra fears that she’ll fail as a mother.

4) There is the phenomenon of postpartum depression, where a woman’s hormones go haywire. This can range from mild to severe. But it is a biological fact and don’t try to wish it away. Patience and in many cases intervention are required.

Action Steps

All this is going on in your wife’s head and after reading this you can’t claim to be clueless. The appropriate question now to ask is: Is there anything I can do for my wife, considering everything she is about to do for me?

Fortunately there is a lot a new husband can do. Here are six basic suggestions:

1. Both before, during and after the birth, be aware of what your wife is going through and try to relate to her situation. Ask questions (“what are doing, how are you feeling, what are you thinking”) and listen for the emotional cues – is she tired, frustrated, feeling tied down?

2. Once her water breaks or she goes into painful contractions, do not be insulted by anything she says. Even if she screams at you: “I hate you! Why did I marry you?” she doesn’t really mean it. Just brush it off and say: “I am right here for you. You’re doing great.”

3. On day three after the birth, a woman’s hormones change as the milk comes in. This can be a time of peak depression. Be ready with a very meaningful and beautiful gift that she will treasure for life, and a card telling her that you know what a fantastic mommy she’s going to be. Don’t stint. Let the gift be a heartfelt expression of what she is doing for your family, even if you are low on cash.

4. When she comes home from the hospital, have everything ready – baby crib set up, stroller ready, diapers bought, flowers on the table, and a nice card on her nightstand.

5. Your wife may try to play superwoman. She naturally wants to do everything for you that she was doing previously. You must not let her. Giving birth is like going ten rounds with Rocky Balboa and then running a triathlon when you are out of shape. However well-recovered your wife may look, chances are that physically she is an exhausted wreck.

The challenge is twofold. First she wants to do everything. Secondly, many a lazy man is very happy to let her.

It is unhealthy for her to exert herself. She needs the time and space to regain her strength.

Rise to the challenge and be there for her – not only emotionally but physically as well. Bring her tea. Clean up. Take laundry to the cleaners Hire help for a month – a cleaner and a nanny. Ask her friends and relatives to take shifts helping (without first asking your wife, because she’ll refuse). Figure out some way to get everything taken care of as if she is not there. Order in Chinese. Change the baby’s diaper. Figure out what to do without asking her. And don’t worry if she yells at you for messing up. Deep down, she appreciates what you are doing, and feels you are carrying her like a princess into the threshold of mommydom. Hang in there. Eventually, life will return to normal.

6. Every day, make sure to tell her what a great job she is doing and what a fantastic mommy she is. Don’t criticize here, even if she is making some mistakes. If it's a serious issue, mention it to her mother or the nanny, and let them handle it.

God willing, after a month or so, life will begin to normalize and your warm little home will be even warmer. May it be a safe and healthy birth!

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Published: January 14, 2012
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Visitor Comments: 23

(15) Anonymous, March 21, 2012 9:27 AM

Wow. Thanks

I thought I was pretty considerate, but this made me realize there is still more I can do. It made me swell with affection for my wife, and ready to step up for the challenge! Thank You.

(14) shira pollack, February 9, 2012 2:23 AM

excellent

As a birthing coach (I live in Bnei Brak but go to other cities for births), I think this or the Hebrew translation should be given to all first time fathers, and for succesive births too. Do you have a translation?phone; 03- 6191970 or 054-807-8081

(13) Anonymous, January 25, 2012 2:28 AM

gratitude is an attitude!

Hello, Chava, While you do bring up valid points (unwilligness to have "strangers" invading your privacy, gifts that don't fit the budget, etc.), labeling Mr. Hirsch a moron who dispenses useless advice is as much off the mark as you feel about his advice. Appreciate more, control less - then the partnership with your husband will blossom the best. Good luck and may you feel humble enough to accept thoughtful gestures from your husband even if he doesn't consult you first.

(12) Anonymous, January 19, 2012 2:37 AM

Where were you 35 years ago?

(11) Chava Liner, January 18, 2012 1:16 PM

A difficult transition

Wow! If only more husbands would read this. My husband was pretty good about the transition, and I was lucky to have a grandmother that was completely devoted to her family. While I agree that having extra hands around is invaluable, it's better if they're familiar hands. Someone that won't make her feel that everything she does is subject to scrutiny and criticism. A new mother is not confident, and is sensitive about the advice everyone is eager to give. One of the first things I tell a new mom is: listen to everything everyone has to say, say thank you, and then do what you think is best. No one knows their baby like their own mother. When the baby first comes into the world, the one that gives the child the most comfort, is the mother. Placing the baby into the mother's arms, even for just a few minutes is the most calming thing for the child. The baby recognizes the sound of her voice, the "feel" of the mother, even the smell of her. It calms the separation anxiety. Allowing a few minutes of nursing is even better. Although there may not be any nutritional value at this point, this also helps build the bond that keeps them both grounded. If the father is actively involved during the pregnancy, the child will also recognize his voice and be comforted by him. Nothing builds the family like establishing those bonds. It took me 36 hours to have my oldest. I ate about an ounce of chocolate during that whole time. My husband watched the fetal monitor, which was strapped to my stomach and I was flat on my back. He kept telling me when another contraction was coming and "I don't feel a thing". And I didn't kill him. He also brought me some cookies that a friend of mine baked, when the hospital staff refused to give me food after the delivery. They were the best cookies I ever ate. So, nobody's perfect. We all make mistakes and are insensitive sometimes. If we try to see someone else's perspective, maybe we won't make so many mistakes. The key is, to work as a team.

(10) susannah garbutt, January 18, 2012 6:14 AM

what all men should know

Excellent article, however, even though we have not had children, from my friends and their families, life never returns to 'normal' again - your lives are mostly to do with the children for the rest of your lives. From what I have seen, 'normal' goes out the window, and you both need to make big adjustments when you have kids. But many people enjoy the end result, I think that reproduction is a very powerful drive that nature has ensured will be acheived whatever the circumstances of the couple involved. A strong marriage is the ideal relationship for reproduction, which does not always happen,and the author of the article sounds like a very sensitive bloke - men and boys do need to know all this about babies, sleep deprivation and night feeds etc. And that is just the beginning of the changes in your lives. Fortunately, most people do enjoy their kids and feel it is all worth it. A good article. PS: women need to know about the experience also - I believe the antenatal classes prepare them as much as possible for the experience. Shalom

Zvi, January 18, 2012 1:15 PM

Good comment Susannah

I totally agree that life never goes back to what it was, but parenthood can be a wonderful experience with joy that has no analogy.

(9) chava, January 17, 2012 7:49 PM

Totally off the mark

If my husband had hired a cleaning person or a nanny, or if he had asked neighbors or friends to come in and help without first consulting me, I probably would have picked up the baby & left. (If I couldn't because of exhaustion, I certainly would have wanted to.) A marriage & parenthood are a partnership. One half of he partnership must never do big things or small things that actively affect the other half without consulting with the other. Buying a gift which cost too much will just cause bad feelings every time the wife looks at it and realizes what it did to the budget. On and on --- I'm awfully glad I'm not married to you or someone who listened to you.

Anonymous, January 17, 2012 10:06 PM

I agree

Chava is right. While i agree with the rest of the article -- the two of you need to grow as a unit into parents! In addition, you don't need to change the baby's diaper and do all of these things without asking your wife for help. Ask her, make her feel like she knows something. And if she doesn't (as I didn't when I had my first), the two of you can figure it out together. You'll become much closer that way than by just doing things behind her back.

Anonymous, January 18, 2012 8:35 PM

I can't believe you would dismiss an entire article because there was one thing you didn't like. You can live boorish husband who is oblivious of your needs because you obviously want that for others wives. By dismissing the whole thing new fathers to be will think that being kind and considerate is a bad thing and let there wives fall into the pit of depression because they won't know how to react and this advice is bad. Better to say you think that part of it doesn't suit you but to write it off is a disgrace and could possibly ruin a few marriages

rachael, January 19, 2012 12:55 PM

i agree with chava

after the baby arrives, the husband shouldnt do things that could ruin the shalom bayit, no matter how much he thinks he is doing it for the good of the family- if he doesnt consult with his wife, he is setting himself up for failure!...he should just make sure the house is running smoothly to his wife's standards... he can do laundry, etc...rather than hiring a cleaning lady who doesnt know where things go, nor how the house is usually cleaned, etc.... the part i did agree with in the article is that if the wife complains, just brush it off and be supportive!

Rivky, January 19, 2012 6:24 PM

???????

Everything has to be in moderation... but I definitely would send this article to my husband IYH!!

(8) Anonymous, January 17, 2012 6:55 PM

So true. As a woman i totally agree, however, men should be told and taught this when his wife becomes pregnant. I don't see too many articles on this that expectany fathjers should read. My husband did nothing for me when my kids were born because he probably thought he was working, all day so his work was done. HowIi would have loved some help but he was not educated enough to understand that.Ii think boys should be given this lesson in school when they have the sex edu classes.

Anonymous, January 18, 2012 1:18 PM

God gave you a mouth

Too bad your husband was not a mind reader

(7) ED, January 17, 2012 6:10 PM

It was not meant for men like you, number 3...

And it certainly is not outdated. My husband did nearly none of these things and still does not feel too badly about it. I'm still very hurt. Mommy instincts are usually better than all of the child psychologists in the world. Unless of course your children are mentally ill or handicapped in anyway. That's different. But parenting books can be rather hilarious. They probably have not replaced you. Maybe go on a date once a week. You wont feel that way anymore.

(6) Anonymous, January 17, 2012 5:35 PM

Wonderful article~will print it out and give it to my son in law~they are expecting soon. He is a good husband so I expect he will also be a good father. Unfortunately my husband wasn't any help~still had to wait on him, fortunately I never went into postpartum blues. children are a wonderful gift from Hashem. To the gentlemen with the twins, I pray your relationship with your wife comes back together, may she realize how soon those children will leave the nest and you 2 need to be a couple.

(5) Anonymous, January 17, 2012 5:20 PM

sadly true and not enough!

Unfortunately what you wrote about happened to my husband and me. We have seven children all older now, the youngest is 20, and most of the time I raised the kids. In the birthing room, he wasn't around because of Tzinus issues. He ate my lunch, after I delivered my first child, and I didn't have what to eat. (30 years ago-I remember it VERY clearly). I breast feed all but one, I was the one who got up all those nights, and when they were sick, the vast majority of the time I was the one to deal with the vomiting and other effects, because it made him "nauseous". I let him always go to shul because even after I delivered each child (within 2 weeks) he wasn't much help for the dinner hour and for home work. He always ate first and then considered about the children. The list goes on, but suffice to say the one month of treating your wife like a human, is truly not enough time. For the endless hours spent taking care of home and hearth the husband needs to make a life long commitment. For the commentary "one side and out-dated" I understand your suffering because I began to do that to my husband after my fourth child (4 kids in 5 years) was around 1-2 and I saw that they came to me for everything. I changed the tactic and got my husband more involved in the home, but that only made clear to me that we were very different parents and we were at odds on many issues of child rearing for years. You need to go out your wife out more and have private discussion before the children get older, about the direction of your marriage and child rearing. It's NOT to late to get your wife back you need to find out what works for your situation. I do believe she will meet you halfway. Good luck to you all. I pray that you all do better that what my husband and I did. After the children are older and leave for their own lives, you 2 will be alone again. To what kind of married life is really the question. All the best.

(4) Miriam Adahan, January 17, 2012 4:43 PM

Wonderful advice. Amazing sensitivity.

This article was so sensitive and caring that I sent it to all the relevant people on my mailing list. I hope the author's wife realizes how lucky she is!

(3) Anonymous, January 17, 2012 3:33 PM

One-sided & out-dated

Many fathers today are wholly equal partners and this article is an insult to them (inlcuding me). We had twins and life surely did not go back to normal in a few weeks, rather still not after 5 years. Don't mis-understand, I love my kids, but sorry to have mostly lost a wife. I laughed at the part where you wrote (apporx): she still might try ot to everything for you as before". ha ha ha. You should have written an article about how every thing you do for your kids will be 2nd guessed and criticized and how she knows better than all the world's child psychologists. Just saying ... a bit one-sided. Yes I returned to work ... even more hours to avoid forclosure, but not to sports or other extras. Perhaps an article to woman that they should not expect a great marriage if the kids REPLACE their husband; and that a good marriage is very important for the kids, rahter than hovering over them every minute. BTW, notice I said "we" have twins. My wife speaks in the singular .. she has. I speak in the plural.

Fay, January 17, 2012 6:58 PM

Sounds as if sadly, you have lousy communication between you and your wife.

I think that you and your wife need to speak with someone, perhaps a therapist- doesn't have to be for a long period of time - so that you can learn to let go of some of your bitterness! Having twins is double blessings - only in your case it sounds as if you feel unblessed! Please try to find someone to talk to, and if your wife won't go with you, go by yourself to learn how to handle your situation. Much Hatzlocha - may you regain joy together with your wife and children.

Alex, January 17, 2012 7:09 PM

project much?

somehow, I think you'd be less jaded and angry if you took this article's message (if not necessarily all the details) to heart. and you should know, that you don't sound like one of those wholly equal partners with all that resentment you're spewing.

(2) Anonymous, January 15, 2012 2:00 PM

Brilliant!

I loved the part of how needy the baby is and how it's all her. I always wondered, "Why am I feeling so...." I've never read it spelled out so clearly! I have six kids ka'h but this article taught me so much about my feelings. You just tend to think: Why am I feeling so overwhelmed? Having a baby is so normal? What is wrong with me? Unbelievable article. Thank you.

(1) Anonymous, January 12, 2012 1:43 PM

Excellent!

Why didn't anyone tell this to my husband before our eldest child was born? It could have saved us so much heartache...

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