Five Things Your Husband Wishes You’d Know but Won’t Tell You

There are many things your husband would love for you to know about him but he just won’t tell you. Is he purposely not sharing these things with you or has it been awhile since you had a deep conversation together? The answer will be different for each couple, but here are five things he would like you to know:

He loves you. You are his world, though you may not think so. He does not always have an easy time expressing his feelings or sharing verbally, though he does show you in other ways. While you may prefer a hug or words of endearment, he may demonstrate his love when he buys you your favorite snack or mows the lawn.
He is embarrassed by how you talk about him with your friends and/or in public. When you make a joke about how he can’t find anything, that he doesn’t listen to what you say, or that he is a hermit, he doesn’t find it funny. When you criticize him in public he feels shamed. After a while, these remarks begin to chip away at his trust in you as his loving partner.
He wants to be #1. Although he loves your devotion to the children, he sometimes feels left out. He wants to feel more important than the kids so that when he is talking to you and the children interrupt, you put him first instead of attending to them. He is your full partner in parenting but he doesn’t want to compete for supermom’s attention. He wishes you would take interest in him, spend time with him, and go out once in a while. Showing your kids that your marriage comes first is a valuable lesson that will benefit them in the long-run even though they may be “kicking and screaming” when you leave them with a baby sitter.
His sense of self-worth is directly connected to his abilities to provide for you. If your husband is currently out of a job and you are experiencing tension in your relationship, it is no wonder why. He needs you to understand how hard it is for him when he can’t provide because he feels like a failure. When you get anxious about your financial situation it makes him feel even worse because he has let you down. There is nothing more satisfying for a man than to provide for his family. Realize that money is an extremely charged issue for both of you. Any discussion about the topic will be smoother if you are able to be more sensitive and focus on crunching numbers instead of battling fears.
He wants to be appreciated. He wants to know that you appreciate him for everything he does for you. He wants to know that you appreciate him for who he is. When you complain about all of the things he doesn’t do right, it is hard for him to feel that you value him. Keep in mind Dr. John Gottman’s 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interchanges. For every one negative remark you make, try to think of five positive things to say, to counteract the negative effects of a critical word. While we may feel so busy with life’s to-do list that we forget to express our appreciation, we seem to find time to share a complaint or frustration with our spouse. Try carving out a few minutes each day before bed where you share with your husband what you appreciate about him and why.

These five points are not all that surprising or profound, but you’ll be amazed at the positive and immediate effect they can have on your marriage. By accepting the way your husband loves you, being careful about criticizing him, making him #1, monitoring your money fears, and expressing appreciation for him, you are showing him that you are willing to meet him half way towards a better and more fulfilling relationship.

If your marriage requires more immediate assistance, download your free copy of Rabbi Slatkin’s book, Is My Marriage Over: The Five Step Action Plan to Saving Your Marriage

Give Tzedakah! Help Aish.com create inspiring
articles, videos and blogs featuring timeless Jewish wisdom.

Published: May 5, 2012
Hear related audio on this topic.

Visitor Comments: 22

(14) steve, April 8, 2013 3:17 AM

You hit the nail right on the head!

This article sums it up ladies.

kim, May 17, 2013 4:30 AM

Really?

What if he quit his job to work as needed..never works and his wife now has a fulltime AND partime job, along with all the household chores for six. What then?

(13) Anonymous, January 28, 2013 5:32 PM

For the husbands

Great article, but please add a line somewhere here urging women to not confront their husbands and ask if this is true.

(12) Anonymous, July 3, 2012 10:07 PM

my daughter and son-in-law

Your 5 things for Husbands and Wives helped put clarity regarding issues that I am trying to be of support for my daughter. They are each starting counseling but I am afraid my son-in-law will not see the value of honesty in the counseling session in helping overcome some of the areas they are having problems in. Please say a prayer for them as I am afraid their marriage is in jepardy.

(11) Zachava, May 21, 2012 2:31 AM

Great!

Husbands might not say I love you. Many think actions speak louder than words.Everyone wants to be appreciated, kids and wives too. Everyone in a family may need more attention. K know in many large families know one gets enough attention on a regular basis. There are many ways to show love, spend time finding your own special ways.

(10) josh, May 9, 2012 4:03 PM

saving jewish homes one by one

priceless, invaluable. what a bracha

(9) iman, May 9, 2012 10:05 AM

im totally agree with this article.im myself been in this situation for the last 5 years .im clueless what to do.half of me want to leave but other part of me want to stay because i got 2 kids and feel bad if they gre up with divorce parent.

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, May 9, 2012 5:54 PM

There is hope

Thanks to all readers for their comments. To iman who is clueless what to do, there is no reason to remain in your situation. You can have a better marriage and your wife can work with you to help you meet your needs. If you read my book which is linked at the end of the article you will learn how to create safety in your relationship so you can talk about these very things with each other. You owe it to your relationship and your kids. http://www.therelationshiprabbi.com/is-my-marriage-over

Anonymous, May 10, 2012 1:12 AM

Divorce is always more work then marriage

divorce is also very PAINFUL for everyone and it takes years to get over it ... that is if you ever do ... I doubt that the children ever do ... their identity and their understanding of what love is is all wrapped up in you. Their mom and dad

(8) A Different Rachel, May 7, 2012 9:47 PM

I agree with you

My husband, too, doesn't particularly want to go out. And we agreed that when we became parents, the kids would always come first until adulthood. Furthermore, we've both had ups and downs in our careers, and when I supported the family when he was laid off, we were both glad that we could get by on my salary. AND he took care of much more around the house because I had no energy when I got home. We believe that marriage should be a true partnership.

(7) anonymous, May 7, 2012 6:39 PM

husbands agree to keep the peace

thanks for saying what we can't always say. I see so many wives interrupting while their guys cringe and bite their tongues. studies show that men speak so many fewer words than women. wives don't even notice.this is 1 thing that i think we husband try to let roll off our backs because my wife can't stop interrupting and it's not worth an argument. taking this issue to the grave,man!

(6) Anonymous, May 7, 2012 7:50 AM

intimacy

I want to tell my wife that not making love in marriage is slowly but surely having a detrimental effect on our marriage. However, how does one do this without hurting both her and the marriage?

a woman, May 7, 2012 6:32 PM

as a wife, your words broke my heart. i would feel so sad to think my husband wanted me and i didn't know it. it is very flattering and wonderful. u don't say if she give a reason for not making love, so i just thought i'd answer generally. i think, maybe, a lot of women want to feel affection, loving comments and compliments outside of the bedroom and then they may be more responsive in the bedroom? you are sensitive and right that its a sensitive subject but rather than bringing it up in a hurtful way, i would suggest bringing it up to her, saying how much you love and desire her. mail her a card and do it every single week or month from now on! maybe bring her flowers or 1 flower every single shabbos? call her every day? start doing some of ask how you can make time for the two of you to have private time...having her relaxed and feeling appreciated and loved should help...take her side,look her in the eyes longer than usual,help her out, hug her, hold her hand, She's also aware that she's not making love. good luck-i'm no expert!

Anonymous, May 10, 2012 1:21 AM

everybody seems obsessed about making love ... and yet making love is the by product or natural outcome of showing love everyday.

in this world which is overwhelmed by pornographic messages ... maybe our drive has nothing to do with our mate ... it is so important to be connected ... eye contact especially ... then communicating what we see in each others eyes ... satisfaction ... disappointment ... fatigue ... disallusionment .... nothing truly prepares us for the lives we live ... it is important to try to see the world through our spouses eyes ... this is never an easy read ... but definitely worth the effort ... our references are rarelty the same and our interpretations are also often different. ... a foot massage while talking and taking in the day puts you in physical contact without the sex thing ... believe me fatigue ... which seems to common in individuals these days ... is a real marriage killer ... the house may not be clean but your hearts will be clean towards each other.

Anonymous, May 9, 2012 12:40 PM

This is a very sensitive topic. Was there something that started this? The birth of a child perhaps? The loss of a loved one? A move? Long hours at work? There are many events in life that will break down a woman's desire and many times she doesn't even realize the detrimental effect on her marriage and husband. Stress, being overworked, feeling under appreciated. All of these can make a woman not want the intimacy with her husband. As someone else suggested, try some little things - a flower, holding hands, looking at her. If she seems overwhelmed with all the household work, step in and help - just look and see what needs to be done and do it. If she seems stresed, maybe suggest she go soak in a bubble bath or do something just for her. If she is also a mom and a wife, she has a lot on her plate keeping everyone happy. She may just need that reassurance that you love her and appreciate her and when she's feeling underwater, that you will be there to help her.

(5) sharona, May 6, 2012 10:14 PM

thanks for the advice. sometimes we need a reminder to help us strengthen our relationships. It might be not apply to everyone, but it's still good in general to remember. A couple should deffinately take some time for themself to help keep their relationship strong. Looking foward to the next article

(4) Brian Knight, May 6, 2012 7:09 PM

exceptions are not a new rule.

Rachel, You have what seems is an exception. The article, "Five things your husband wishes you'd know but won't tell you" is pretty good and spot on from my POV as a husband. I don't think exceptions or perceived exceptions disprove the rule. You can generalize like hat for the most part, but, of course there may be exceptions, but, if your man won't actually tell you, as addressed in the title, how can yo be so sure? Just a thought to serve.

(3) Chaya, May 6, 2012 6:51 PM

Pretty much on the mark

The only thing that isn't true about my husband is that he is always telling me that he loves me! We don't have any kids so #3 is not relevant. But he certainly wants to be appreciated! And I always try to tell him what a great job he did. It really helps.

(2) bernie, May 6, 2012 6:41 PM

great and needed by all

informative for all

(1) rachel, May 6, 2012 6:03 PM

can't generalize like that.

All men are not the same, just as all wome are not the same. And they don't all like the same things or think the same way. Nice article. but I disagree with some of it. Just using my husband as a frame of reference, who cannot be the only man who thinks the way he does. Some examples: he is fine with me interrupting him to talk to the kids. And he is not into going out once in a while. In fact I'm the one that wants that and he doesn't see the point of it. Otherwise, they are good points, but I still don't think i has to do with men specifically, rather 2 diferent people with different personalities living together.

yaakov, May 8, 2012 4:41 AM

No man likes to be interrupted so the wife can talk to the kids. Even if he doesn't say anything. It's not only extremely disrespectful to his role as a father, it's also extremely disrespectful from the perspective as a spouse, friend and a human being. He may be a lot more respectful of you than you are of him by his seemingly good will towards your actions.

Anonymous, May 8, 2012 10:59 PM

Honour and respect for your man; the real drivers of relational intimacy

Dear Rachel, I do not doubht your love for your husband and kids, but cant you see that there is a reluctance in your husband to pursue a more intimate relationship with you? If I may paraphrase; "I feel you dont respect me, therefore I am not interested in pursueing a more intimate relationship with you while respect is not there. I would only be reinforcing your lack of respect, affirming that I am not worth respect, so what is the point." If you revisit your ideas about respect and adjust the scales more in favour of your husband to show him more respect, gently, give him time to get over the shock, gently, I'd bet you'd see a positive change. I would find a woman who shows me honour and respect to be quite irresistable. I'd want to be with her the whole time. So you get ready for the change too.

See All Comments

stub

About the Author

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin

More by this Author >

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is a Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist working with couples, singles, and families and international lecturer on relationships. He is the author of The Jewish Marriage Book: How to Improve Your Relationship One Jewish Holiday at a Time which is available for free on www.theRelationshipRabbi.com