Judaism’s Bill of Obligations in Marriage

Judaism is a system for living that is built on obligations as opposed to rights. This is especially true with respect to the Jewish approach to marriage. Obligations foster responsibility and giving. Rights foster a sense of entitlement which can lead to irresponsibility. In Judaism, one is not entitled to anything. Everything good we have is a gift.

So with this in mind, I present Judaism’s Bill of Obligations in Marriage:

I have an obligation to:

1. To be a mensch. (Need I say more? Then let me spell it out for you…)

2. Strive to give my spouse pleasure, not pain.

3. Avoid blaming and attacking my spouse for things that bother me.

4. Express what I need and not expect my spouse to mind read.

5. Take my spouse’s feelings and needs seriously.

6. Make sure that my spouse feels emotionally safe with me.

7. Give my spouse a consistent and enjoyable physical intimacy.

8. Consistently express love and affection.

9. Consistently recognize and express gratitude for the kind things my spouse does for me.

10. Acknowledge and take responsibility for my mistakes.

11. Work with my spouse to find win-win solutions to our problems and disagreements.

12. Seek professional help from a licensed psychotherapist or rabbi if we cannot solve our issues by ourselves.

13. Always speak to my spouse with respect.

14. Always treat my spouse with respect and dignity.

15. Always “fight fair.”

16. Never fight with my spouse in front of our children.

17. Support and encourage my spouse’s personal growth.

18. Always strive to be a good friend to my spouse and share his/her personal struggles.

19. Set boundaries to protect our marriage from damaging, outside influences.

20. Make my spouse my #1 priority -- not my career, the children, nor my parents.

21. Never discuss problems in our marriage with anyone without my spouse’s knowledge and permission, unless I am sure he/she won’t mind.

22. Maintain “healthy” boundaries between myself and those of the opposite gender.

23. Be financially responsible.

24. Be happy and know that my spouse is not responsible for my happiness.

25. Strive to create a peaceful and relaxed home environment.

26. Never yell or scream in anger, be violent, cause fear, or be controlling.

27. Let my spouse know where I am, where I’m going, what I’m doing, and who I’m with.

28. Give my spouse his/her space and privacy.

29. Build my spouse up and never tear him/her down.

30. Have fun together and strive for balance in our lives.

31. Never threaten my spouse with divorce.

32. Do my part to ensure that we are working together as a team.

33. Be a mensch! Now you know what it means!

Visitor Comments: 22

(15) Anonymous, April 24, 2012 5:29 AM

Number 27- to what extent? Isnt it a sence of control over me- which is not what i want?

(14) Katie, April 2, 2012 12:44 AM

An Excellent Ideal

This is an excellent ideal for marriage and I believe it is attainable between mature adults - not so for young couples - especially those who have not witnessed what being cherished by another means....I love the list and understand now what a "mensch" is.....

(13) Jean, February 24, 2012 9:28 AM

Thank you!

Inspiring for people like me in preparation to make a choice of our spouses to be, equally inspiring for those who are already married. Thank you!

(12) Gabby, February 22, 2012 1:53 AM

Not so sure about number 16.

If you and your spouse are fortunate enough to be civil and respectful about disagreements, I think it's completely okay to "argue" in front of children. You could be showing them a great example of how adults should handle those sorts of situations.

(11) Eve, February 21, 2012 10:56 PM

Why the standoff between #27 and #28?

I think that this article is a great fridge-pin-up. However, I do believe that in a healthy marriage, just as it's ok and healthy to give your spouse some space, it's also ok and healthy to have your own - and not need to inform your spouse at all times where, what, when, and with whom you are.

(10) Anonymous, February 21, 2012 2:43 PM

I was married to a narcissist

I was married to a narcissist. He is the type who will read this and pity himself for how terrible his life was with me, how poorly I treated him. I am slowly beginning to realize that there is very little reason that can be spoken to him, it's just part of the package when with someone narcissistic. It took me a long time, but i am out! Yeah :) I know his ego is terribly bruised. Despite what I endured, I wish him only pleasure in the future. If I get the courage to go for another round of marriage, us mutually agreeing to this list will be mandatory. Thank you!

(9) Anonymous, February 20, 2012 8:43 PM

From the point-of-view of a child....

As a child, I agree that this looks good for a marriage. Particularly the part of not putting your spouse down, ESPECIALLY in front of the children. This includes the spouse’s parents and family, ie: your children’s family. It really kills the child.

(8) Anonymous, February 20, 2012 6:16 PM

disturbing

In light of the power imbalances we see in so many marriages, i'm surprised an lmft would write something like this for the public. It's these preachy, generic dogmas that perpetuate martyrdom in victims of unhealthy relationships. Marital guidance, like almost all moral imperative, should not be mass produced, since most often those who read it are the ones who are practicing too much of it, and those for whom it is intended already believe they've perfected it, or that it's meant for his/her spouse.

jamie, February 20, 2012 7:15 PM

gimme a break

i just don't see how someone can fault the article for giving such sound advice that applies to all healthy normal marriages. he is obviously not discussing an abusive relationship, and the fear of the minority of people who will somehow distort sound wisdom for theiri perverse agenda should not in any way prevent him from sharing these insights that are yes, general -- but nevertheless very true. It should only be that every male takes to heart the contents of this article!

R. K., February 21, 2012 10:56 PM

preachy? dogmatic?

This is preachy and dogmatic? I found this advice is helpful, positive and applicable in the vast majority of cases. I also thought it was a useful list in order to target things I have to work on to be a better wife.

(7) Jennifer, February 20, 2012 3:04 AM

Equally applicable to women

These obligations are equally applicable to women too! I would hope that when I get married (may Hashem bring my beshert soon), I will be able to treat my husband with this level of respect.

(6) Ted, February 19, 2012 9:50 PM

What you say is understandable and sensible.

I very much enjoyed reading what you said. It's not often that someone treats these issues with wisdom.

(5) Anonymous, February 19, 2012 6:55 PM

Love to see the halachic/textual bases for these

My spouse needs everything proven. My spouse won't accept these just because an observant therapist claims these are obligations. I try to put these into effect myself, but it's hard when my spouse doesn't even think many of these are necessary or even positive.

Zahava, February 19, 2012 11:28 PM

Your spouse sounds like a jerk.

The problem with the advice to "Be a mensch!" is that it won't work on anyone who is not already a mensch to some degree. When they published this article they forgot the standard disclaimer that it can't be expected to work on people who are abusive, too mentally ill to function, personality disordered, or just plain committed to acting like jackasses.

Miriam, February 20, 2012 1:31 AM

The textual proof is in Bereshit

Al kein Yaazov ish es aviv v'imo v'yidbak b'ishto; therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and elsewhere; v'simach es ishto, and he should make his wife happy, and, the gemara writes of the obligation of a man to love his wife as much as himself and honor her more than himself. Dr. Heller's list is a way to reach the above.

TMay, February 20, 2012 9:48 PM

reply

Divorce is allowed in Judaism. He doesn't have to understand. He needs to get out of his head. All he has to do is to accept that that is the reality that that is what is being demanded of him..

TMay, February 20, 2012 10:10 PM

Where else?

Where else would he demand the proof. Would he not stop at a stop sign and then tell the policemen that the policeman has to prove it in the Talmud? The policeman would throw him into jail. If.his employer told him he had to be there at 8 am on Monday, would he say prove it? His employer would fire him. Don't get caught up in giving him explanations and sources. Tell him to knock it off, fly right or else. Keep going to therapy alone if you have to but go to a therapist who has you play act your responses. You can also ask him, if you divorce him, would that be sufficient proof? Sometimes people have to lose something important to them to learn a lesson, pain and all. he sounds very immature. Would you do the same thing to him? Have you asked him. Would you say to him that you "don't have to shop, cook, clean, unless he can find something in the Talmud to prove it"? What if the Talmud doesn't mention microwave ovens or toilets? It is not funny. It is not cute. It does not make him admirable for his "intellect".I know a woman would say to her husband "The way you are behaving is lowering my respect for you. I expected more from you." People make choices.

TMay, February 22, 2012 12:24 AM

the next article over, here at Aish

I just read this article on Aish today and it seemed to answer the question posted by the commenter Anonymous. The article is “5 ideas I hope to pass on to my children Here’s my list. What’s yours?” by Emuna Braverman. She stated “The Mishna states “If there isn’t derech eretz – basic human decency and consideration – there isn’t Torah.” I want them to have a deeply internalized sense of respect and courtesy for others. I think that’s a crucial aspect of what it means to be a mensch. “Our actions speak louder than words.””

(4) Anonymous, February 19, 2012 6:50 PM

Shalom Bayit

Every man should read Garden of Peace it will clairfy everything a man needs to know. It literally saved me and my family from ruin. It will help only real men not men with egos who require honor.

(3) Richard Leduc, February 19, 2012 6:29 PM

Wonderful !

Thank you for this article. It is good to know that it is not about rights : it is about obligations. It has been a refreshing reading for me and I know it will improve my perspective and views on marriage.

(2) Anonymous, February 19, 2012 4:10 PM

Never discuss?

Never discuss our problems with anyone else without his permission means I can never vent or ask for advice. Because he would never allow me to talk to anyone (including himself) about them.

(1) Kristina, February 19, 2012 3:12 PM

How Wonderful...

Thank you for creating this list. What a thoughtful blessed list this is. If we truly sought to put it into effect it would make all the difference in our and our spouse's lives and fulfillment.

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About the Author

Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.

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Rabbi Dov Heller is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who holds Masters Degrees in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and in Contemporary Theology from Harvard University. He also holds a B.A. in philosophy and was ordained a rabbi in Jerusalem in 1982. He is director of the Aish HaTorah Counseling Center in Los Angeles, founder of the Relationship Institute, and runs a private practice specializing in adult psychotherapy, marriage counseling and personal guidance. In addition, he provides an international coaching and counseling service via telephone helping people solve their relationship challenges. Visit his website at www.claritytalk.com.