click here to jump to start of article
Join Our Newsletter

Get latest articles and videos with Jewish inspiration and insights​

Married Couples' Biggest Mistake

Married Couples' Biggest Mistake

If couples fail to nurture their marriage, eventually they'll grow apart.


Not long ago I heard of a couple who were calling it quits and getting a divorce. They are not youngsters and have been married for many years. The gentleman explained to me that it was not over anything dramatic such as an affair or significant change in finances, but simply that they "had grown apart."

It always saddens me when I hear this because I feel it could have very easily been avoided. I am sure there were many things I am unaware of that went on in the privacy of his marriage, and while I understand that each relationship is unique, there are nevertheless certain truths and rules of relationships that breed success, or lack thereof as the case may be.

"Growing apart" is a slow and insidious process that many couples are not even aware of happening to them before it is too late. It goes kinda like this:

When a couple first meet they are very excited about one another. There is energy and discovery in the relationship and they spend tons of time together getting to know one another. The courtship process continues this way until the big day, the wedding, and then some. The first years are hopeful, energetic, dynamic and bursting with excitement.

But as the years go by and the young couple settles into a certain routine, new events enter and creep into their lives. There is making a living, a child or two or three show up; they have their interests, some shared, most not. The job(s) have their demands, kids get older; there is carpool, homework, after school activities. They look for and buy a home and that too has many demands of time, energy and effort. Not only is there mortgage, but new furnishings, fixing old ones, a sprinkler system that always seems to be on the blink, redoing the bathroom, getting rid of the old smelly carpet and "shall we choose laminated wood, engineered wood or solid; how about bamboo, I hear it is eco-friendly?"

And so the older the couple gets, the more stuff happens in their lives that demand their time and attention. And while all of these issues are certainly important, the couple finds that they no longer have time and energy for each other. Their relationship gets relegated to the back-burner because there are so many imminent and important things to take care of. And lo and behold, before they know it, not only is that spark from their dating days long dead, there is very little sharing happening between them. They gradually become estranged from each other.

If this couple who are now in their 20th year of marriage would go back in time and revisit those days of early courtship, they would find something fascinating. They would see that when they told their friends that they had "just met the greatest guy/gal in the world," they didn't describe him/her like this: "He is so terrific, he is going to make every mortgage payment on time and not only that, but every car payment too!... and for two cars!... and both cars will be luxury vehicles!!" He certainly did not tell his friends, "She's the best... she is going to be so good at car pooling and making sure the house is clean and orderly and I just know that she is going to find the best pediatrician for our kids once we have some!!"

And while it is true that making mortgage and car payments on time are important, and finding a good pediatrician and caring for the kids is as well, this is not why you married this person. You married them because of who they are as a person, because you enjoyed spending time and sharing life with them. You married them for their soul, for their spirit, for who they are and not for what they would do or accomplish.

If you don't fight for your relationship, then like every other thing that is neglected, it wilts and it dies.

But people forget that and lose sight of it because when they first dated it came naturally and effortlessly. But once real life happened and there was more on the table, they forget that they now have to make much more of an effort to be with one another. They didn't shift gears to realize they have to fight for their time to be intimate - and I don't just mean physically (although that too). They never told their kids, "No, it's Daddy and Mommy's time" and didn't do the same to their jobs, their blackberrys, their computers and every other important obligation that seemed more pressing than each other.

Because if you don't fight for your relationship, if you don't nurture it, if you fail to constantly monitor it, then like every other thing that is neglected, it wilts and it dies. Maybe not the first day or week or month or year, but eventually it will ... ever so slowly.

A couple "grows apart" because they failed to put in the necessary care and time to ensure that they grow together and toward each other. And while every couple is guilty of this on some level, those who have an awareness of its danger have a chance at ensuring it doesn't harm their relationship beyond repair.

So put down your iPhone, get away from the computer, tell your kids to get lost (in a nice way), forget Home Depot and take your spouse, get a bottle of wine, have a drink, look her in the eye and recapture what you had when you first dated her so very long ago.

Published: September 3, 2011

Give Tzedakah! Help create inspiring
articles, videos and blogs featuring timeless Jewish wisdom.

Visitor Comments: 12

(8) Fran, November 3, 2013 6:44 PM


I am married to the most wonderful man, he is from another country and another culture. We get along wonderfully. I cannot travel because of a health issue and he needs to see his family about once every two years so he flies home for several weeks. During that time we talk like sweethearts on the phone. We truly miss each other. I think when we are together so much we take for granted the presence of the other, sometimes it it is good to have a little time to miss each other. So even though we do great when we are together we also realize how valuable togetherness is in when we are apart. I think sometimes when people are married a long time they begin to get bored with their lives and equate it with their spouse rather than just part of life. A little time away can prove that the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side.

(7) smb, November 9, 2011 7:09 AM

so true, the relationships needs to be nurtured in order to stay strong. Like other things, this too needs our time and effort. If we really want it, we'll do what we can for it. Plus, our kids need it too.

(6) Susan, September 6, 2011 4:55 AM

Payer life

Family that prays together, stays together. While many might not believe that, it is actually very true and powerful truth. If husband and wife pray together every day, they will see a bond and new love that you know it has to come from God. We are unable to love like that on our own, this love will last till death do us part.....

Ramon Fernandez, September 6, 2011 5:28 PM

Unlike YT, there are no thumbing up here so I'd like you to know that I'm thumbing you up. I agree, even if one is not yet a firm believer in prayer, just watching your family pray often touches the heart. It is very easy to forgive each other and and appreciate each other if the family have already developed the habit of praying together. Personally, marital misgivings could be largely avoided instead a deeper appreciation of the person you are with grows. Patrick Peyton knew what it was about when he said that.

(5) Anonymous, September 6, 2011 1:16 AM

Couples need to nurture your marriage otherwise it will Die

After a while married life can get in the way of your love life! but I want to reinforce the importance of romantic love between a wife and her husband. If you have never really read the book, Song of Solomon, in the Bible, you really should! God created romance and passion. Marriage is supposed to be physically and emotionally satisfying. As a Godly woman and as a Godly wife, you should spend ...time each day focusing your thoughts and efforts on your husband. Get your heart ready to receive his love in the evenings or whenever you are together. Give your love to him. Show him your love – not just with your words, but with your actions. You have heard the saying, “Actions speak louder than words.” This is certainly true when it comes to your husband. If you tell him you love him but then never accept his advances or initiate intimacy, he will feel neglected and even unloved. Focus your heart toward him. Think of those special moments you and your hubby have shared together in the past. Just by thinking about your love and reasons why you love him will help you feel more like connecting with him on a physical basis when he is home. A fun way to build intimacy together would be to read one chapter of the Song of Solomon each night before going to bed. Talk about what you like about each other, how you like to be touched, goals. Look forward to your future together. Set up a promise of love and commitment each night and pray together. By praying together you will be less likely to experience the sorrow of divorce, adultery, or other trauma in your marriage. Set the tone for your relationship. Problems don’t always go away immediately, but by changing your own attitude toward your husband, you will see a difference.

See All Comments

Submit Your Comment:

  • Display my name?

  • Your email address is kept private. Our editor needs it in case we have a question about your comment.

  • * required field 2000
Submit Comment