Ten Things Women Wish Men Knew

Click here to read "Ten Things Men Wish Women Knew."

Click here to download pdf file of both articles.

What, you say: Only 10?! Yes there are more. This is just a starting point. Add your additional points in the comment section below.

1) We want you to tell us you love us. Yes, we need to hear the actual words. We do not want to be like poor Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, begging his wife of 25 years to answer the question, “Do you love me?” We want you to tell us. Frequently.

2) And we want you to match your actions to your words. (Yes, we’re very demanding!) If you tell us you love us and then proceed to ignore all of our requests, needs and desires, your declaration will ring false. Not sure how? Ask us. We have a list.

3) We want to be more important than your job. We appreciate your (our) need for the fulfillment of your career ambitions but we want to feel like we are your first priority. This is usually manifested by calling during the day to check in, taking our calls and sounding like you are really interested in speaking to us, and treating us (at least) as nicely and with as much respect and sense of importance as you do your top client.

4) Time with you is much more valuable to us than more money. Yes, we appreciate the nice possessions but we’d rather go for a walk with you or spend a quiet evening together than receive a gift. Material goods do not and cannot compensate for not seeing you.

5) A few words of appreciation go a long way. “Thanks for dinner. It was delicious. I really liked the flavor” is certainly encouraging. Everyone wants to feel that their efforts are noticed and not taken for granted. Or: “I know you are also busy; thanks for going to the cleaners.” You get the picture.

6) Although you never get pregnant, our children are a shared responsibility. It is not “no big deal” (your words) when I take care of them, nor is it “an extraordinary act of kindness” (your implied words) when you do. (Along these same lines, I’ve noticed that when I go out of town you are flooded with meals and offers of help; yet when you go out of town, no one offers anything….) We are on this journey together and we are both responsible for our family.

7) We do not grow and change through criticism (do you?). You may have convinced yourself that you are only telling us for our own good but 1) you’re wrong because it’s hurtful and ineffective and 2) you’re probably doing it to make your life easier. Like children (and plants) we grow best when nourished, nurtured and loved.

8) Just because we are capable doesn’t mean we want to do everything ourselves. Changing a light bulb or taking out the garbage are not uniquely male pursuits or skills. I am certainly capable of both (this is not a source of great pride) and frequently engage in these activities. But we want you to relieve our burden, to take care of us – in all respects. We feel emotionally tended to when you take over some of these responsibilities, mundane and otherwise.

9) Clothing costs a lot more than you realize! I’m only partially being tongue-in-cheek here. Especially for newly married men who have never walked through the women’s section of a department store, the prices of basic shoes, dresses and skirts may seem absurd. They probably are. But you need to be sensitive to our needs and to what a realistic (considering many factors) expenditure will be. This experience will stand you in good stead should you ever be the parent of teenage girls!

10) Do not ever comment on our weight except to say how thin and beautiful we look.

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Published: December 3, 2011
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Visitor Comments: 90

(62) Lala, December 30, 2012 11:40 AM

What about PMS?

The list I thought was great, but what about PMS? This is a serious problem us women have and men don't seem to understand/care/take it seriously. Our hormones are not controllable just as their testosterone had its own mind. Plus, most women get physically ill one way or another. Whether its very severe cramps, a headache, or just simply fatigue. If a man kept track of his partners cycle, he can avoid a lot of yelling and crazy unexplainable temper tandrums. Btw, PMS stands for PRE menstrual syndrome. Good luck ;)

(61) Yann, February 13, 2012 6:33 PM

Nothing but the truth

Im very soon gonna step in e world so familiar to me..my 3rd marriage! n I really wish that he take all this wish into consideration n use it with sincerity..wish me eternal love!

(60) naama, February 5, 2012 2:42 AM

When you demand too much, you get too little, and viceversa.

(59) Simon, January 2, 2012 10:06 AM

Don't assume all women are the same - nor all men.

I like your list Rachel as opposed to the one in the article. It is more real and holds much greater self responsibility. However whatever the list, love, honesty, openness and a willingness to be yourself and live an authentic life should cover most lists.

(58) Zahavah Steinberg, January 1, 2012 8:27 AM

Communication

BS"D Communicating needs & wants are very important in a husband & wife relationship. Even when it comes to intimate issues. There's nothing worse than either side having to resort to other means of enjoyment. Trust wears thin, insecurity builds up, constant checking of computer usage & the like. Never assume everything is ok @ any time!! Talk often! Compliment eachother sincerely, work things out or get help.

(57) Scott, December 26, 2011 3:26 PM

A List Of Anger

This list needs some analysis - clearly the author is carrying hurt and expressing that through this list - the entire list can be lumped into one rule: most woman are carrying hurt from parental or prior relationships and expect spouses to care-take and sheperd their issues. About eight of the ten are clear warnings - don't hurt me like I have been hurt by my Dad or by my other male love relationships. So, in essence, this list is mostly valuable to remind men that so many woman have been injured - that you have to assume your wife is, or will act out as if she is. The list was wildly disappointing - as saying things like your wife is more important than money (really?) - woman's clothes are expensive - actions must be cohesive with words - are a potpourri of obvious reactions to having been ignored, under-cared for in previous marriage, etc. Can I recommend a list that does not come from a place of pain and is not a laundry list of complaints and warnings - in fact, the author is so busy putting up fences - she missed the most important one - that woman want to be listened to in a real way - they want a man who will sit down and listen when they need to express - that woman are not looking for answers but rather for empathy. Hard to believe this was penned by this author - perhaps a family member was put through hell in marriage - and this is list of what he did not do? This is not a list of what women wish men knew - rather - it is a list of complaints based on a poor and prior experience - and hint hint Emuna - there is nothing on this list that men don't know - but we are not perfect and we struggle with something you have no clue about - the male ego.

Robert, October 15, 2012 3:56 PM

Who has the problem?

I read that she is saying just try and be caring and thoughtful. I am wondering what caused your overreaction.

(56) Juan, December 25, 2011 5:14 PM

Why can't men bring up weight to their women?

I don't understand why women get so hurt and devastated when men bring up their weight. I would think that the ladies would want to look nice for their men. What does 40 pounds overweight tell you about trying to look nice?

(55) Diana, December 10, 2011 1:13 PM

Soooo True

This is the most accurate list I have seen to date. Unfortunately, my ex-husband didn't believe any of these things ''should'' be necessary. Then HE got bored (too much time on his hands?) and left. Nuff said

(54) Rachel, December 9, 2011 6:32 AM

Real Ten List

1.Respect us, and we'll respect you. You can disagree with our opinions and thoughts, and we reserve the right to do the same, but don't dismiss our ideas out of hand or treat us as if we are ignorant. 2. We are neither your child nor your mother. Don't tell us what to do, don't expect us to clean up after you. Work with us as a team. 3. It isn't "helping us" to take care of the house and the children. It is part of your job. Who does what may differ on a daily or yearly basis, but the dishes aren't automatically the wife's duty. Most women are working for money now, so you need to work in the house as well. 4.If you want intimacy you need to also give intimacy. Our needs in that area may differ than yours, but if we are satisfied, so will you be. 5. We are going to change, physically, emotionally, mentally. Accept it. 6. Live within the budget. Do you really need that new toy or electronic gadget? 7. Do try and take hints, the reason we aren't saying something directly is because we don't want the others around us to understand. 8. You need to listen to our worries and our cares. This is another way we get close. 9.Don't try and fix us. We aren't a machine. 10. Care about our day, and share your day, but don't just start talking at us.

Liat, December 14, 2011 11:51 PM

absolutely true

it is as if you spoke from my heart. thank you for your comment.

Anonymous, May 11, 2012 5:51 PM

Less arrogant

Your list seems allot more normal and less selfish

(53) shirley, December 8, 2011 10:20 PM

devora, if number 7 is something that you wish to convey you should buy him the bool titled the garden of peace by rav shalom arush, its a mans marital guide and focuses on little things like that and big things as well. there is a womens version titled womens wisdom by the same offer both truly amazing books.

(52) Esther, December 8, 2011 9:08 PM

To Wassim

You have written in a different comment that you are probably getting divorced. After reading this comment, I am not surprised. The aggressive tone, the attitudes of a control freak and bully and the delusions of grandeur displayed in this comment were shocking. A woman is neither a child nor a slave and deserves to be treated with respect just like a man does. Marriage is about giving to each other and appreciating each other, about communicating in a compassionate and loving way. If you do not understand this basic concept (which is a rule in Judaism by the way), you are not suited for marriage at all as you would only be causing suffering to any woman you marry. If you ever want to have at least a chance to have a happy marriage one day, I would strongly advise you to consult a marriage therapist. But, whatever you do, please stop writing these insulting and degrading comments. Thank you.

Anonymous, December 11, 2011 8:24 AM

Nonsense

You misinterpret my words and misrepresent me intentionally in an attempt to take the moral high ground. Nothing you say I disagree with, and nothing I said implies what you seem to be reacting to. Sorry I didn't realise that being a teacher or a leader in one's family constituted "grandeur". Or is it "insulting" to state that I'm against my wife going to work until the kids are 5 yo or so? "Degrading"? Women with negative attitudes to motherhood are degrading the value of women in society. While some women "make it", I see many women are "simply lost" in a world that treats them as "workers" rather than "potential nurturers". They're being tricked into slavery by appealing to their vanity. It's so tragic. Women are being sacrificed for the sake of societal re-engineering under false economic pretenses. Hah, you could do a lot worse than listen to me.

Anonymous, December 15, 2011 12:03 AM

I wouldn't agree with you. I volunteer at a hospital and i earn great pleasure from it. being able to work is one of the most amazing things that have happened to me. Altough, I must admit, i do wish to be able to stay at home until my kids will be 5 or so. (I'm not even married yet, but this is what i wish for when I'll be). I must also say, I think it is very thoughtful of you, to wish for your wife to stay home. but you also must consider her wishes - maybe she does not want to stay at home.

(51) Wassim, December 8, 2011 12:33 PM

No, I'm sorry, I believe I know better

I can agree only with the general sentiment of your article, but I cannot accept the specifics of your points. I demand that my wife understands (or is open to MY explanation of) why things don't work the way she thinks they should work. I demand the teacher role in my family. I demand my rightful place as the leader of the family. No expensive clothes. No phone calls during work time except for emergency or brief instructions/notifications. Not too much "I love you". Definitely not "I love you therefore I will do as you say or what you want". Definitely not going to be overrun by teenage girls' mentality. And it IS an act of kindness to perform house chores after working a 10 hour day, and NO you do not have the option of pursuing your career if it is at the expense of the children's needs, and if you don't enjoy looking after our children then you have a psychological condition that has been brought about by your exposure to popular culture. It is time for women to be proud of themselves and their role, rather than trying to become something that they think will bring them pride. They will be disappointed, fore it's a dog eat dog world out there and I can't believe you wouldn't prefer to be taking the kids for an afternoon stroll in the park instead of playing the part of a modern day slave to pay for the bills that have been imposed on us. I definitely know better.

Anonymous, December 8, 2011 4:20 PM

I really feel bad for your wife. You sound more like a boss or principal than a loving husband. learn to appreciate your wife and what she does and learn to care about her needs not only your own.

Wassim, December 11, 2011 8:11 AM

I'm a loving principal but nobody's boss.

Perhaps you haven't seen how the other half lives? If you'd experienced what I'd experienced a woman can do, you wouldn't jump to the defense of someone you know nothing about. This idea that "women are a protected species" is utter nonsense. They should be held accountable (at least I'm free to express it) for their behaviour as much as men. They get a free ride when it comes to "ethics" or "morality" or even "plain decency" more often than not. Nothing to appreciate about a person like that. As far as I'm concerned, "LV" stands for Loser Virus, and all the beautiful shoes in the world will only enhance the probability of her attracting the wrong kind of men or maybe twist her ankle. I just laugh at these sub-par creatures who self=determinate from one personal disaster to the next! They could do a lot worse than follow my advise.

Sue, December 8, 2011 7:50 PM

Wassim, you made your point by demanding this and that. I thought this article came across very demanding and made women in general look bad. A man should love his wife as himself and honor her more than himself. Babylonian Talmud, Yevamot 62b. From our side: Does a man say harsh things about his wife that he wouldn't say about his boss if he wanted to continue to work for him. Does a man use the words "Oh, she knows that I love her." He must love his wife as he loves himself. If someone loves you, that you do not love, you do not want their love. These 10 things on both articles, are for those who a man and a woman love and they love you back, otherwise, they do not work. For one does not want or care to have the admiration an attention from the least desirable, whether that is a mate or a pursuing prospect.

Anonymous, December 11, 2011 11:26 PM

Thanks Sue, I'll take that on board.

I should have sensed much earlier that I was with the wrong person, but I kept giving her chance after chance, and I would prefer to live in a world where people get a chance if they want one. Should have listened to my mother from the beginning. No harm done, life is beautiful, and I'm on top of the world. Thanks for caring dear. Season's greetings.

Sue, December 13, 2011 6:34 PM

Wassim our conversation has shown how to implement the advise in these articles, thanks for communicating!

You held your own. You have gained wisdom for yourself, even though your mother already had that wisdom in advising you, we do have to take the hard path of gaining it for ourselves; it sticks with us forever that way. The blessing of gaining years to our own life. We have displayed through example, which speaks louder than words, thanks for doing your part!

Anonymous, December 26, 2011 3:32 PM

yes - this list makes women seem unhealthy

this list seems more like a barrage of complaints that a marriage counselor would hear from a really dsyfunctional marriage - this list is really betrays some serious control issues..

Anonymous, December 9, 2011 7:26 AM

wow

I am sincerely glad that you do not represent the opinions of most men. "I can't believe you wouldn't prefer to be taking the kids for an afternoon stroll in the park instead of playing the part of a modern day slave". It sounds like you actually believe going to work and providing for your family is a huge burden and that your wife's job is as easy as a stroll in the park. I don't like the tone of this article and from the comments it sounds like a lot of women don't either, but your opinion is backward and disrespectful to women. You can be observant and actually support your wife and value how hard her job is without thinking you should be worshipped for how hard your "real" job is. And guess what? Your wife, being that it sounds like she is at home, is the primary teacher to your children, as well she should be.

Wassim, December 11, 2011 11:22 PM

You have no idea what really exists under the guise of "woman"

Not all women (or men) are worthy of your lofty ideals. Obviously I'm thinking of one type of woman and you're thinking of another. I understand how to treat a worthy woman, but do you understand that there are many women who are not worthy, indeed significantly lacking in many aspects that you seem to take for granted. That's one of my points, that there are many women who should be directed to take advice rather than think their whimsical shopping fetish is justifiable in any society. It's just a power trip they're on, and they need to be told the truth because their actions hurt society as a whole. I won't be intimidated by modern women. They've got it wrong, and most of them will find out the hard way. Likewise most men will find out the hard way, that being a doormat doesn't endear you to women (or men) either.

Corin, January 23, 2012 8:36 PM

Been reading the Talmud

And there is a point in there made by Rabbi Akiva and a few others who say that you shouldn't waste work hours doing other activities because it is considered stealing. If you sold your day to work for someone you should be working for them, so calling the wife during work would be dishonest. Unless of course you did it during a lunch break or other break.

(50) Missy, December 8, 2011 6:27 AM

UUuummm, NO.

I would be horrified to have my husband think this is the way all women feel. Isn't it a bit immature to be demanding that either partner stop working to take personal calls, unless on breaks, lunch hours or emergencies? Is it nice to get an unexpected call to say hello? yes it is. But jeopardizing someone's job is unhealthy. IMO, this article makes all women sound controlling, who would want to be controlled in a relationship? The good points that are here will fall on deaf ears when communicated this way.

Scott, December 26, 2011 3:30 PM

100% right Missy - this list is dysfunctional....

thanks MIssy for being a woman with this point of view - as a man - I found this list to be a laundry list of "complaints" that must be coming from a place of hurt - if I met a woman who spoke this way - I would run for the hills - clearly the author has issues with men in terms of controlling - it reeks in every word of this list - Thank G-d that most women do not feel this way - that is the healthy ones - but the ones who have been hurt and coming from a place of pain - will hang this list on their chest during shidduch dates - shame on the author for this - go see a therapist...

(49) devora, December 7, 2011 6:15 PM

thank you for # 7

thank you for #7. i was never able to verbalize that one with out seeming critical myself. ( even then it did not come across as well as i hoped.)

(48) nechamah, December 7, 2011 3:21 PM

everyone relax

This is a list of 10, it certainly is not meant to be comprehensive. The fact is that men get LOTS of recognition and positive reinforcement for their much more public lives. Women need the positive reinforcement, too. It is a fact that people are more likely to keep doing things they are appreciated for! If a man wants bayit shalom, he has to take responsibility for how his attitude and behavior affect the morale of the family. As for the love language response, isn't he supposed to be as attuned to his wife's as she is to his? Relationship is a two way street, and these 10 items merely are those things commonly complained about.

jamin, December 8, 2011 8:14 PM

I agree - everyone relax

This is a nice article written by an experienced woman and makes some good points. That doesn't mean that EVERY point applies to EVERY woman, but it probably doesn't hurt for us guys to know this stuff and understand the general sentiment here. Thank you for the article !

(47) Anonymous, December 7, 2011 1:49 PM

The companion article was much better written

As a woman, I find this article a little embarrassing. It makes women sound demanding and immature. The other article seemed a lot more straightforward and practical. Perhaps another version of this one could be written, incorporating the comments of various readers?

Anonymous, December 25, 2011 6:40 PM

Agee 100%

(46) Annette, December 6, 2011 5:39 PM

Where did these influences come from for this list!

As a seasoned old timer: Points 1,4, 5 & 6 are enough to create confusion... 4: give me some time...forget the gifts (I hear: she has no idea what she wants, she's already desperate for counselling) 1,5: tell me what I want to hear when I want to hear it... it's another day all about me me me (I hear: she wants constant recognition) 6: read my mind and get to work (I hear: tongue lashing) And you want your husband to come home to ... you? Oy! would you go home to 'you'? Imagine he comes home wanting to walk her with a love song or a necklace or surprises her with the dress she had on lay-away and she dismisses him... she's on the phone (not surprisingly) or watching a programme on the computer (new version of the t.v.) and it's simply not her love language! Unacceptable! Maybe it is his love language to GIVE to the one he loves! who else do you want him to give these to?? the lovely goy at the office? Having a list of the 10 most wanted things a woman wants may be a good beginning, lists are good, they help pave the way to goal setting but it also divulged the sad state of where the jewish girls' minds are at. Waaay too much t.v. girls. The Yetzer sucked you in. Shut if off You'll never be an Eishet Chayil with that list Ok I critiqued the list. Yes I do have 3 time tested suggestions: 1- Learn ONE of the Personality theories for yourself, not to fix him. He may like a different theory, that's fine 2- Learn the 5 Love Languages together. Learn his That will keep you busy growing together for the next 10 years 3- While you live you are STILL standing in front of our Merciful G-d: If you want your husband to put you above his needs (which he should) then you must remember to keep G-d above yours. HaKaras hatov, shalom bayit, anyone? Success is Simple. Not easy. You are worth it.

Franco, December 11, 2011 4:30 PM

Bravo, Annette!

For your sensible & important contribution to this discussion. Sad to say, that "all about me me me" attitude, as mentioned in the 4th line of your comment, has for decades been very typical of Jewish girls. Consequently, I'm quite glad both my sons married gentile girls...& they have wonderful, joy-filled marriages!

(45) db, December 6, 2011 4:12 PM

intimacy

i believe that the only way a women could show a man that she loves him is by giving him what he realy wants and that is making love

(44) Anonymous, December 6, 2011 7:18 AM

Comes off really bad

The 10 points in this article are based on wisdom and truth, I'm not denying that. But was it really necessary to write it with such sharpness and sarcasm? In my opinion, the image you have portrayed is that a guy is there for the girl's emotional, physical and financial fun and pleasure, while he himself means nothing. Yes, it is the man's job to take care of the women and the 10 points you mention are valid, but by the way it's written, I can't imagine why any guy would want to walk into such a relationship. The reality is that when a man takes care of a women, then all the blessings come back to him many times over. She will indeed become the woman of his dreams, and he will indeed be happy.

debbie, December 6, 2011 11:13 PM

ON POINT

Exactly my thoughts, these point are all subjective...

(43) Me, December 6, 2011 3:14 AM

Another thing

If you tell your wife that something bothers you (i.e. that a certain part of the house has gotten messy), or that you want something done (i.e. something brought to the house from somewhere else), even if it's something very small, and perhaps particularly so, NOTICE when she does it and say a simple thank you. We want to please and will go to the ends of the earth to do so. If it's bothering me that the kitchen is a mess, and I'm exhausted, I'll let it wait until tomorrow. If it's bothering you that the kitchen is a mess, and I'm exhausted, I'll stay up until 2:00 in the morning making it shine, even though you'd be aghast if you knew, and would want me to go to sleep. But I would appreciate it very, very much if you would then notice what you said bothered you, and express appreciation and/or admiration for the fact that I took care of it. If you are like some of the men I know who don't like to be told when there is something to notice, because you feel guilty for not noticing it yourself, and want to notice it yourself, that's great - but then notice!! Even the small stuff!

(42) Bobby5000, December 6, 2011 3:00 AM

10 more

I have been married for 25 years; here's my take. 1. There's a lot of things you can mess up and be forgiven. Infidelity isn't one. Make one mistake and your wife will remember and remind you the rest of your life. 2. Let your wife pick the house and where to live. If she's happy, everyone is happy; if you're happy and she's not, no one is. 3. What's the biggest financial mistake one can make- divorce. Stay married, make 200,000 a year, and you can pay for a couple of vacations and tzedakah; get divorced, pay for two houses, schools, and lawyers and you'll find a lot of stress. Remember that on a tuesday night when its 7:30 at work; coming up is a prudent investment. 4. Take your wife out. Getting out of the house for dinner or shows will make a happier person. 5. Let your wife have some money for herself if you are the primary breadwinner. 6. Marry someone who is emotionally stabile and loves you; some people cannot be happy and never marry someone who is trying to please someone else. 7. Do try to help around the house and contribute. 8. Be careful about approaching things directly; someone a more nuanced approach is better.

(41) Enid Powell, December 5, 2011 10:52 PM

61 years of Marriage alters perspectifves, needs, and desires

Yes, yes, compliments, help with chores, but daily phone calls?? I don't like to be interrupted even for an "I love you." I don't need a reminder. I'm busy - I'm writing - I'm reading. A sense of humor, integrity, steadfastness, and knowing "you always have my back" (no macho silliness) is what I needed - and what I got. And since I married at 18 (and he at 26) either our instincts were good, or we were just plain lucky. But as we got to know each other we learned what we couldn't expect (compliments on food), and what we could (fidelity). He is not crazy about my clutter, I am not crazy about his pointing it out. He worked 6 days a week to take care of his family for thirty years, and when he couldn't stand it any longer, he sold his business, and we struggled. Then I lucked into a good job and took care of the next thirty years (and our retirement.) He still makes me laugh and vice versa. I think we're even. He thinks he's ahead. I like that.

abe, December 16, 2011 5:21 AM

wow!

enid you are an amazing writer. i loved reading your comment. I read it like five times, its beautiful, well balanced, humorous and to the point all at the same time.

(40) Anonymous, December 5, 2011 9:58 PM

#7 "you are wrong " are fighting words. Let's keep away from polarizing thinking (and speaking) I would rephrase this # except for the last sentence. Or may be it is all that is needed...And why go shopping at departmnt stores??? Marshall's and tjmax are terrific!

(39) Kendall, December 5, 2011 9:33 PM

For the ladies

#11: We need our quiet time sometimes to do our stuff, even if it seems boring or silly to you. Yes we love you but sometimes we need to shut off our higher functions and enjoy a football game or a video game without conversing with you about what a neighbor is doing. #12: What is good...is good and cannot really get worse by adding more of it. What is bad..get's worse if you add more of it. This is simple guy thoughts 101. One hamburger= good. Two hamburgers= better. Five minutes of nagging= bad. Ten minutes of nagging= worse. So plz keep that in mind when we say we don't really care for something like going to see or do something with you that may be deemed "girl-oriented" like a chick-flick. We may go to show you our love (and that we are) but don't say "hey..how about a double feature with Twilight".

(38) Rina, December 5, 2011 9:31 PM

I don't want my husband to call me while he's at his work, whether I'm at work as well or at home. Moreover: I don't think of me and his work in terms of more or less important; one of the things we love about each other is that we are passionate about our profession AND value our relationship/family life immensely. Yes, I do love quality time, appreciative remarks, etc, and so does he. For my husband and me, it is nothing more than normal to share all household duties and I wouldn't know why I shouldn't leave our kids with him, he's a capable and fun father. Furthermore, we encourage one another to clothe ourselves well [my husband's clothes do not cost less than mine, neither do his shoes], to live healthily, which means encouraging each other to exercise, to have good relationships with our own friends and family, to respectfully criticise one another if needed (who else could be as loving AND honest at the same time, if not husband and wife? we are partly responsible for each others personal growth, aren't we?) and to try to talk without hidden messages or demands. In short: part of the points are so obvious, I wouldn't know why one should marry a husband that would not be like that; some points seem immature whining: wife and husband are equally responsible for each other, their relationship, family and career. Stop whining.

Rivka K., December 8, 2011 10:06 PM

Bravo!

well-said.

(37) Anonymous, December 5, 2011 8:48 PM

Till children do us part

Women of yesteryear knew that their marriage came 1st and their relationship with their husband was better for it. Modern women would get more their top 10 wishes if they rememebred that. It's also good for the kids to know their parent's relationship came 1st. If women want to hear "I love you" they could also use the words.

(36) Bracha, December 5, 2011 8:07 PM

Money is important

Good times make for good memories however money is what gives us good times.

(35) Shulamit, December 5, 2011 3:26 PM

More thoughts in reaction to this article....

(continuing my thoughts-- sorry, I went over the limit!) Did my husband also change diapers when the kids were young??? Well, occasionally, if the need specifically arose. I remember one friend who said in her family *she* was in charge of 'feeding' the baby (she was nursing the child, on schedule), and so *therefore* her husband was incharge of all diapering when he was home. It sounded 'fair', and I wondered if I had been suckered into a bad deal.... Until I realized that in NO way can diaper changing be equated emotionally with nursing a baby!! Oh, diapering *can* certainly be done in a loving way, and there can be some great 'baby smile' moments and fun routines... but it's not quite like snuggling up in a loving way with the baby and feeling that rush of emotions and bonding that a nursing mother feels. I also agree that no man is going to be 'happy' about a wife gaining 100 pounds.... and it would be pretty hard for most to say that wife was 'thin and beautiful'... I think we as women need to take *responsibility* for keeping ourselves reasonably fit and of an appropriate weight. I know my husband appreciates this immensely (my own mother was very overweight, and I know he worried that this might happen to me with time....he's grateful it has not...). And re/ clothing.... well, women do indeed *like* to shop for clothes more than most men ever will... and we need more variety. My husband will very happily buy 3 identical shirts, and be happy to go shopping for clothes *maybe* once a year (if encouraged to!). I need more variety than that-- but as I don't want to 'bust our budget' with clothing expenses, I've definitely chosen to shop about 80% at 2nd hand shops-- it's amazing what wonderful finds I've discovered. My kids were usually dressed in nice 2nd hand clothes also, and didn't complain about this. I think women's goal might be to look at this 'list' and see where we could *improve* our character... not rest 'content' in these views.

(34) Shulamit, December 5, 2011 3:21 PM

you know... I have to agree with 'Anonymous' here...

I really didn't expect this sort of article on this site-- the tone was, well.... *whiny*. I think women (and I'm a woman, happily married for almost 40 years, with 4 grown children) need to learn to realize that these ideas tend to be our 'starting point'-- but shouldn't be our *goal*. I've seen my husband lately become *so* much more loving and considerate and thoughtful *once I stopped all complaining* about what I 'thought' were his faults. I started to focus on *appreciating* what he did-- I work at showing interest in things that are *his strengths* (his delight in computer programming and problem solving, his readiness to lead Torah study at our synagogue, his ability to keep up with all the many things that need to be done in our small home service business.... AND if I don't criticize the way he makes the bed, but instead *thank* him for doing it on those days when he does, he appreciates it-- and even thanks *me* for making the bed on those days when I get to the task first (and if I need to 'straighten things out' a bit after he does it, to make *me* feel like it's really 'done', then I'm quiet about it!!). I once said to a group of women when I was leading a discussion about how we viewed our husbands' roles in our families' lives, that sometimes when women describe 'the ideal husband'..... well, it can seem sometimes more that they are describing a *woman* than a man!! I think we need to appreciate our men for being the *men* in our lives, and for the ir own unique gifts they bring to our families. Say, regarding their care with our children-- I think the wonderful thing about fathers is that they are NOT mothers..... they are often much more *playful* than mothers, much more ready to really get fully involved in *playing* with the kids than we are. It was through my husband that our kids all learned to play board games and chess and go backpacking and train for running races in the community. (more in next field...)

(33) Anonymous, December 5, 2011 11:57 AM

PS To My Previous E-Mail

The author states: "If you tell us you love us and then proceed to ignore all of our requests, needs and desires, your declaration will ring false." Another foolish comment that can lead to major problems. Also, comments like these are not the best way to help develop the kind of a Jewish women a Jewish man will seek.

Anonymous, January 23, 2012 8:42 PM

I disagree

If someone loves someone, they will consider their personal desires, needs and requests. Does that mean a man has to be a doormat? Of course not, but if you don't even think about what your wife wants and try to help her get some of those things then you probably don't really love your wife. Unless your idea of love is using her for everything she is worth and only giving what you consider the bare minimums.

(32) Anonymous, December 5, 2011 9:17 AM

Don't tell me I'm thin when I'm not!

Forgot to mention my other objection to the article. I'd much rather my partner say, "hey love, it's time to start dieting", than lie to me and allow me to grow increasingly less attractive.

Anonymous, January 23, 2012 8:46 PM

Yeah thats the one I had an issue with

I don't think there is any excuse for either a man or woman to be overweight. It is unhealthy, and it is unfair to your partner to lose control of your body when you guys got together and you were fit or healthy. A couple should make that promise to each other that they will keep each other healthy over the years, really is no reason to get fat that just means you have emotional troubles you aren't dealing with. My other issue with the article would be the shopping. I mean, sure you can buy clothes, but most women buy way too many clothes in comparison to men. American advertising is what has done it, men don't really notice that you wear a new dress every time you go out and are happy with you regardless (and I'm sure their wallets would be happier as well). So IMO women need to be considerate of the finances of the family before they go off and blow thousands of dollars on designer clothes they don't need. Maybe reconsider the 100 pairs of shoes you just 'have' to have.

(31) Mimi Tanaman, December 5, 2011 9:11 AM

Basically sound, but tends to be childish

I agree with most of what was written - being appreciated, told you are cherished in actions and words are all important, both ways, in a relationship. However, asking someone to focus on you as if you're a top client in the middle of a work day is unreasonable and childish. There are times when you deserve the focus, and times when you don't. Learn to live with it.

(30) Tapani Luoma, December 5, 2011 7:55 AM

Not bad...

We have 4 boys and 2 girls, and still learning...

(29) Anthony McLean, December 5, 2011 7:37 AM

We all love our wife and companion but they tends to want to take over ones life if you tender them too much. Women often live a false life and make belief, and want to be told things that are not true (#10). They do not accept telling (#7) and they wants to be right all the time but without the responsibility if they are wrong. We love you our lady and want to baby you, love you as much as possible, but please reciprocate.

(28) Anonymous, December 5, 2011 6:12 AM

right on

i can not believe i just tried to tell exact the same things to my DH.. of course, he wouldn't understand any of it. and then i saw this article. hopefully it will help him to understand that not only me but all or, at least, most women share the same issues that can be easily solved.

(27) Anonymous, December 5, 2011 5:06 AM

Wrong Emphasis

I think the emphasis on calls during the work day and continuous love talk are absurd. Much more important is whether the man is a person of kindness, integrity, and courage. And, if you really want to know how a person (spouse or anyone else) will treat you, make sure you look at how that person treats other people--that's how they will ulimately treat you!

shunrata, December 19, 2011 10:56 PM

Hear, hear!

Yes - please focus on the important things. We're not all so shallow.

(26) dovid, December 5, 2011 3:25 AM

Typical of women

Typical of women, they want to have the cake, but they also want to eat it. There are so many contradictory demands and expectations women listed in this write up, I could fill up a page. They want their husbands to work for prestigious firms and bring in the cash to buy clothes for themselves and compete with their friends, but they also want their husbands to schmooze with them while at work, which btw may very well be a violation of halacha. I remember a managing director at Lehman Brothers who took a call from his wife and told her: 'Honey, you've got 35 seconds to tell me what you want.' She may not have liked it, but she got the point that something must give. If she wants to live like a JEP, then her husband cannot schmooooooze and tell her sweet things like how much I love you.

Anonymous, January 23, 2012 8:49 PM

It is

Was reading about it last night. Calling during work hours or taking paid hours to do anything not related to your work is a violation of work ethics. G-d requires a paid employee to give the employer his full efforts during paid hours, and I'm sure calling your wife during those times doesn't count as honest labor.

(25) Anonymous, December 5, 2011 12:43 AM

Re # 9

I guess the $300 hockey tickets are perfectly understandable as well. Right? (you might have teenage boys)

(24) Aron, December 4, 2011 11:16 PM

Re. point (3)--what planet are you living on, Emuna?

It may have escaped your attention, but there is an extreme economic crisis going on right now. Not only in the US but worldwide. In the US, the EFFECTIVE unemployment rate (official rate those undermployed those who gave up, etc.) has shot up to over 25%. One of the many harmful outcomes of this situation is the necessity for most employees to work longer & harder than ever before, just to keep their jobs. After all, if a particular employee won't put in the extra work demanded, there are hordes of unemployed who will gladly take that worker's place--& the employers know it! Under these sad & stressful circumstances, any housewife who slams her husband for working long hours & "caring more about your job than me" is displaying a despicable degree of insensitivity, callousness & selfishness. The poor man is guilty of the crime of struggling to feed his family--under terrible circumstances right now. If his wife can't show him some sympathy, perhaps SHE should give him a break & become the primary breadwinner. It's really no big deal, is it?

(23) Anonymous, December 4, 2011 11:12 PM

As a widow who lost a wonderful husband, if I could only have him back with me, I'd move heaven and earth to be at his beck and call always. No one realizes how much yourr partner really means to one until you do not have him any more.

(22) Richard, December 4, 2011 10:59 PM

Obviously Ladies, you need to read the men's "list". No. 5 seems to escape your attention on your "list". Is 'intimacy' not important to you. Maybe thats one of the reasons for high divorce rates.

(21) Rivka K., December 4, 2011 10:32 PM

"we"? not all women are like this

I hate when women write things like this. I feel like it just reinforces a certain stereotypical picture of women. I am a wife and mother but much of this does not describe my feelings/wishes/desires at all.

(20) Anonymous, December 4, 2011 9:55 PM

Very demanding and being treated like a child?

Guess I have no chance at a successful marriage based on this article. Okay, 1 - I can say I love you,...2- You are very demanding? Not with me! As I would never be very demanding of you. 3 - Is reasonable, 4 - Time is SUPPOSED to be much more valuable to anyone than money, but the reality is not always so. 5 - A few words of appreciation go a long way, how true, but don't be "very demanding" about it! A few words of appreciation don’t hurt men either. 6 - Although you never get pregnant, our children are a shared responsibility - this is nothing less than sexism. Just because women get pregnant and men don't does not make women any more a parent than a father. In the short run it is important, but in the big picture any parent SHOULD share responsibility and love their children as much as possible, regardless of sex. - 7- We do not grow and change through criticism (do you?) UM, YES! When it is done properly, and if you want to be treated like CHILDREN and PLANTS, I want nothing to do with you - we're adults. How many marriages have been lost because one spouse feels they are treated like a child? Much less a plant!!!! And by the way please DON’T treat us like children. 8 - We feel emotionally tended to when you take over some of these responsibilities, mundane and otherwise. If you are married to someone who does not share all responsibilities, mundane or not, you haven't found your bashert, or even an ethical spouse. 8 - Clothing? Everyone should have nice clothes,.... but do you get your underwear at Macy's or Wal Mart? - 10- Weight? For a stranger it's none of their business, a few lbs no big deal, but if you put on 100 lbs and expect me to still have the same physical attraction, Oy! Let's work out together. Basically you are asking for a sugar coated love affair without reality, or rather your reality.

Deena Lari, December 5, 2011 8:39 AM

I agree!

I agree with every word, Mr. Anonymous, and I'm a woman who's been married for 33 years. If you're really true to your words, and act accordingly, you have the best chance in the world for the most successful marriage possible.

(19) Anonymous, December 4, 2011 8:25 PM

One other thing...

When you want to please us, please us the way we want to be pleased not the way you think we should be pleased. Why should we have to pretend we are happy to receive a bouquet of flowers when that was not what we asked for?

Ron, December 6, 2011 3:15 AM

Communicate

You do not say what pleases you. You even display this in your comment. All you say is what you do not want. Every day your pleasure changes you have to say what you want but you want and you want the guy to figure it out. Your pleasure is a moving target.

(18) Anonymous, December 4, 2011 8:05 PM

this is exactly how I feel!! you've hit the nail on the head!!thanx, I'm going to get my husband to read this article!!

Feels good to know that i'm not the only one with these needs...........

(17) Anonymous, December 4, 2011 7:58 PM

and

and we're thin and beautiful when we're pregnant too!!! even when we're throwing up!

(16) Yehuda, December 4, 2011 7:55 PM

In this together...

I haven't read the article about what men want women to know yet, but this one seems to be equally pertinent for most of these for women as well. Just exchange car and house repairs for meals and laundry, stay at home dads with working moms, and sefarim and tzedaka gifts for the womens' clothing and it's a perfect fit!

(15) Jeimmortal, December 4, 2011 7:37 PM

Wow. I seem to have the perfect man! Though it did take some work getting here, (for both of us), I'm so fortunate! I love him so much! :) ...and upon reading the male's list, I realize we are perfectly matched! ;) It IS possible, so don't loose hope if you're not there yet.

(14) Irwin, December 4, 2011 7:19 PM

Thank you for this needed information, How selfish one is.

Thank you again, ...

(13) Anonymous, December 4, 2011 6:53 PM

On clothing--

If we say we haven't got anything pretty to wear, don't shrug your shoulders and say we look fine in whatever we choose. You can breathe new life into a depressed spirit and add life to clothes by saying, "I love that [insert description and adjectives here] [insert clothing here] on you-- it sets off your eyes!" This also saves us a trip to the department store when we are feeling down for whatever reason. Oh-- and never say "fine." Fine means, "At least you are covered and not running around in the buff, but I wouldn't notice because I am on my smart phone anyway."

(12) Anonymous, December 4, 2011 6:41 PM

Well done

This is a very accurate list...lol.... I can't believe how universal women's needs are. I could have written this....It expresses my sentiments so closely....good job....

(11) Melanie Vliet, December 4, 2011 6:40 PM

Really? I Don't Think So!

I emailed myself a link to the counterpart of this article with a note to read it often. I need to be reminded of what my husband needs, and the words of that article rang true as I read them. This article, however, strikes me as something from another planet. It does not describe me at all. Part of the problem is that much of it is relevant to the child-rearing years. My son just became an attorney last week and will move out of his old room again (he did so to go to college six years ago into an apartment (not as many miles away this time) in a month or two.We're at a different stage of life. The cost of clothing item really shocked me. It is men's clothes that are absurdly expensive. One should seldom, if ever, shop for women's clothes in a department store; they are notoriously overpriced. My clothes cost next to nothing in comparison to those of my husband and son because I know where and how to shop. I pay a small fraction of retail prices to look like something out of a professional magazine (I am a law student myself, following in my son's footsteps). Yes, I love my husband's doing things for me whether or not I could do them myself, and I love that he thinks I look better than I think I look, but I don't want him to lie about his view of my apprearance--or anything else--and I know that he would never do such a thing. I wonder if the items in this article were born of research in asking other women for input or just came from the author's own thoughts. I think that the former would have been the appropriate approach.

Alan S., December 5, 2011 12:29 AM

I agree with much of what is written with this comment. The men's article rang true to me, but this article, the woman's counterpart, did not. Of course, these two articles are not competing, but I found many of the women's points to be trite, while none of the men's points seemed that way.

(10) suri, December 4, 2011 5:55 PM

common mentshlichkeit

these are things all people should do and its good to be reminded of them.

(9) Marion, December 4, 2011 5:40 PM

calling

Oh, and if my husband called during the day when I am work to just say hi, I would not like it. We can express our love and devotion to each other and still be dedicated professionals.

(8) Marion, December 4, 2011 5:37 PM

And for women who work?

My husband and I both work full time. There have been years where he earned more and years where I have. The household needs to be shared--and yes the wife should get help from the community when her husband goes out of town.

(7) Anonymous, December 4, 2011 5:23 PM

Great Comments BUT

Your observations are great but did you not forget WHAT MAN NEEDS? Tevya asked his wife and not the other way around. Man, husband also has needs. A union is always a two way street

(6) Batsheva, December 4, 2011 5:14 PM

Grateful for my husband!

This list made me feel very lucky, indeed, to have a husband who doesn't need to see this.

(5) madeleine, December 4, 2011 4:48 PM

Great list only one change

Great list. The only change I'd recommend: 10) Do not ever comment on our weight except to say our weight looks perfect (whatever it is) and beautiful we look

(4) Raymond, December 4, 2011 4:33 PM

Agree and Disagree with This

On some of the demands listed above, I agree wholeheartedly. Men should express appreciation for their wives more often than we do. I also agree that time we spend with our woman should be more cherished by the woman than material things that us man can provide for them. However, the question is, do most women actually feel this way? We men feel as judged by our level of income, as women feel judged by their physical attractiveness. Next, while our wives are ultimately more important than our jobs, the reality is that in order to be good providers for our wives and children, we do need to devote a whole lot more time to our jobs than to our wives. and finally, it often seems that women expect far too much of us men. We do not have as much energy as women do; we get tired, and after a hard day of work that we do to support our family, the last thing we need is our wives making constant demands on us rather than being understanding and loving toward us.

(3) Lewis, December 4, 2011 4:33 PM

wow

Thanks for strengthening my resolve to NEVER EVER marry

(2) Joan Smith, December 4, 2011 4:06 PM

Sexist hypocritical and self righteous drivel

(1) Mohammed rady, December 4, 2011 3:16 PM

Perfect said indeed ,i like it very much it's cleared a lot of things ,thank you ......

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About the Author

Emuna Braverman

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Please check out Emuna’s new book A Diamond for Your Daughter – A Parent’s Guide to Navigating Shidduchim Effectively, available through Judaica Press

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.