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Women Want Empathy, Men Crave Affirmation

Women Want Empathy, Men Crave Affirmation

My new insight regarding differences between my husband and me.

by

I thought I had figured out all the differences between men and women, but I realized a slight variation on a theme the other day.

I was detailing to my husband all the preparations involved in getting ready for Passover – not just the constant trips to the grocery store, not just the trips to different grocery stores because each one is missing just the product you need and an expensive item is on sale somewhere else, not just the menu planning, not just the kashering of the kitchen, not just the fact that my oven broke just as I was about to engage in the aforementioned task (thanks for asking; it’s fixed now by the kind handyman who came Saturday night!), not just all the cooking, the serving, the dishwashing and repeat – but also the psychological toll, the obsessing about when to “turn over” the kitchen, what to serve that night, what the grandkids will eat the week before Pesach, when to clean the dining room and so on and so on.

When I paused to catch my breath, my husband responded with a vote of affirmation, “I am totally confident that you will get it all done.” And as supportive as they may sound and as reassuring as it may be to have his confidence in me, that’s not what I wanted! (Can you hear me screaming?)

I also knew that I’d get it done. I wasn’t concerned that Pesach wouldn’t happen. I wasn’t asking for affirmation; I was asking for empathy, for understanding of my psychological state. What I want to hear is “Wow, those are a lot of things to juggle at once! No wonder you’re overwhelmed (and impatient with me!)…” I don’t want nurturing sounds – not that kind of empathy – I want him to enter into the details of the situation and recognize the challenges.

Let me cite a totally different example. I struggle with my weight; my husband doesn’t. This isn’t necessarily a male-female difference but I think his response may be. I agonize over whether to taste that cookie or not – and then beat myself up if I do – and then complain to him. He is always flattering with the “you’ll always be beautiful to me” and “I never notice your weight” so it seems churlish to complain. But I want him to enter into my struggle. His attitude is “Stop kvetching. If you want the cookie, eat it. If you don’t, don’t.”

I want him to understand the struggle – the sense of success when I do, the sense of failure when I don’t (okay I’m a little nuts and maybe this is TMI), that this is a deeply emotional issue with complicated psychological resonance. I want him to appreciate it’s hard for me. Again, he gives affirmation but not empathy. It’s true he’s never had this struggle but I want him to try to understand…

Why is this so difficult for the male species? The obvious answer is because they want affirmation. When he says to me that he’s overwhelmed at work and he doesn’t know how he’s going to get everything done by the necessary deadline, he doesn’t want to hear that I understand and it must be really challenging for him. He wants (which is what I tell him!), “You’ll get it done; you always do.” He then breathes a sigh of relief and walks away.

One of our female students took a test recently. This student is extremely bright and competent but she had been out of school for a while and was quite nervous about her performance. When she passed the test, my husband said, “I didn’t doubt for a minute that you would succeed.” While true, this was not comforting. What she wanted was, “I know this was really stressful for you; you must be so relieved that it’s over.” She wanted empathy with her inner psychological struggles, not validation of her competence.

This can be a small thing or a big thing, applied to important issues or small. It can be a source of frustration when not understood and a source of pleasure when implemented. I’m glad there are still new insights available regarding gender differences (what you might call variations on a theme) and slightly embarrassed that I’m still learning them…

 

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Visitor Comments: 6

(5) Sharon, April 20, 2017 9:29 AM

don't agree

Decades ago I explained to my husband that when I expressed a problem to him, I didn't want him to tell me what I should do, but rather empathy. He internalized this advice rather well and quickly. I don't believe this particular hurdle is insurmountable for most men.
While I do all the cooking and kashering of the kitchen, my husband does a large share of the cleaning and transfering dishes and cookware. We have a well defined division of labor that we're both happy with. Maybe I'm just lucky that my husband is industrious.
One reason I have trouble with these articles is that some of the generalizations about men women don't apply to us which makes me feel like an aberration. I'm the engineer and my husband's a teacher/rabbi.
I, like the author, need to watch my eating habits, but I think that putting too much emotion into those deliberations can be annoying.
The author obviously has a good marriage (though no marriage thrives without hard work) and she should count her blessings.

(4) YehudahLeib, April 20, 2017 7:04 AM

advice for wives who want empathy

Why go into a butcher's shop and complain they don't sell telephones? Doesn't make sense. Shows a lack of understanding of how the world works. "Much research has shown that women are more empathic than men." Wives - write out a list of what your husband is good at. Keep it to hand so that you can count your blessings many times a day. And when you once again become fixated on your overwhelming emotions and you feel in the need of empathy, try your mother, your sister, your female cousin, your grandmother, your aunt, your great aunt, a helpline manned [!!!] by women. Then when you feel better and your husband comes home from battling with the world... you can be a supportive partner instead of draining him further with complaints about what he is NOT able to supply... because he is not built for it. Count your blessings for your wonderful long-suffering husbands and know who supplies what and who doesn't.

(3) Anonymous, April 20, 2017 6:13 AM

Dear Emuna,

This is exactly what I experienced yesterday.
You explained this so clearly.
The way I respond next time will be quite different.
Thank you.

Hansje

(2) H.E.Brown, April 19, 2017 11:15 PM

What ever you call it.

I was wondering why the husband couldn't pitch in and help? Wouldn't a helping hand work?

(1) YehudahLeib, April 19, 2017 7:37 AM

what women want

It might be helpful if wives were to write down in advance for their husbands the precise empathy wording responses they would like to receive from their husbands in each type of situation [an idea for another article, Emunah?]. We men could then learn them by heart and produce them at the appropriate times. BUT when the situations would arise and we husbands responded according to the script... we would be accused of parroting and insincerity and lack of empathy!!! Been there, tried and tried to please her - just gave up. Gam Zu LeTovah.

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