The Overweight Child

"Do I look fat?" says my 10-year-old son as he stands in front of the mirror.

"You look just right" I respond with a big hug and kiss. But I don't think he believes me.

"Should I go on a diet?" asks one of my teenage daughters.

"You don't need to diet but it's always good to eat healthy," I carefully respond. I don't think she believes me either.

With "Lose weight quick" and "The new new diet" and "Eat all you want and be thin" bombarding us wherever we go, it's hard to treat weight as a non-issue. Our children are not immune to this societal pressure and the ensuing peer pressure. Far from it.

In my family some of the kids got my husband's genes -- the quick metabolism, eat all you want and stay thin (and have many others hate you) kind. And others got my genes -- the slow metabolism (gotta blame something), eat very little (and hate the rest of the family!) kind. What's a parent to do?

Just as my protestations that it doesn't matter are irrelevant (it's an all-pervasive cultural value in which rich women are now expected to be the thinnest -- with the most spa trips and personal trainers -- as opposed to the fattest -- with the most food and indolence). Since we don't live in those earlier times (where there was no penicillin or children's Tylenol but it was attractive to be plump!) we have to deal with our world. It's not a non-issue for our children so it can't be a non-issue for us.

Nagging is not the way to go. It simply never is.

On the other hand, nagging is not (let me repeat, NOT) the way to go. It simply never is. Ask yourself if nagging has ever convinced you to change or has only led to deepening resentment against the nagger. But even more than that, anyone (adult or child) who is significantly overweight in our society knows it. It is a constant source of pain and frustration. Thoughts of what to eat, what not to eat, what they should have eaten, what they shouldn't have eaten, crowd their minds. It's an obsession. And it affects our children's sense of self-worth. Particularly our daughters.

The last thing this child needs is a parent pointing this weight issue out to him or her. You really thought she was oblivious? He just needed you to tell him? A child whose self-esteem is already in jeopardy needs support (this is actually true of all issues), not criticism. In fact, even a confident child needs support, not criticism.

It's painful to watch our children struggle. We hurt when they hurt. Not-so-subtle hints, exercise programs, diet coaches may make us feel like we're doing something constructive. But here's an important parenting tip. It's not about how it makes us feel. It's about how our children feel. And how do they feel after those oh-so-helpful suggestions? Lousy -- and alone.

There are, in my imperfect experience as a parent and as an overweight child, only two things a parent can do. Three if you include the ever present need for prayer.

The first is to fill the house with healthy alternatives. I don't advocate removing treats because I think it creates out-of-control cravings (hoarded chocolate, eating cookies in the closet – you've heard the stories) but there should be a lot of fruit and vegetables and healthy snacks around. Our children should have choices. But how they exercise them is still in their hands.

The second -- and harder, yet more important --– tip is to have patience. Of course this applies to everything in parenting and is a constant challenge. Most of us will reach that point in our lives where self-discipline is an easier muscle to flex. Some of my girls changed their weight -- and themselves in other ways too -- as they transitioned from elementary school to high school. Some did it in seminary in Israel (although for others the opposite was true!) And some as they approached dating and marriage.

It wasn't a result of nagging or pressure. It was just the right time. We've all experienced in our own lives times when self-control seems easier than at other times. When it does we have to grab it and hold on for dear life.

This is not a promise. Some of us will struggle with weight and food issues our whole lives. Some of us and some of our children will not succeed in conquering it. Yet the job of a parent remains what it has always been -- to be loving and supportive. And to ask the Almighty for help.

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Published: May 26, 2007

Visitor Comments: 14

(14) Katherine Lipkin, October 11, 2010 8:52 PM

Excellent article

This should be read by every - and I mean EVERY - parent who has a child with a weight problem. Best article I have ever read on the topic. This philosophy could also be applied to many other issues of childhood. Way to go, Mrs. Braverman!

(13) Tova, June 20, 2007 12:52 PM

set the example

As the mother of 2 teenage daughters and a complusive overeater myself I feel qualified to share my experience too.
A few years ago I lost 85 lbs. Around the same time my daughters were entering adolescence and with it came the era of body image. After I had lost around 50 lbs my family really took notice and decided they wanted what I have so we all went on a food plan. At one point we had lost 175 lbs between the four of us (including my husband). Through this my daughters learned good nutrition and healthy body image from our many "round table" discussions. Today they don't fear gaining or losing weight b/c they know of a healthy way to control their weight. Yes they can have snacks, holiday dishes etc. but in moderation. And if they do gain a little weight they go back to basics until they lose it again.
So my advice...set the example. Children do what we do not by what we tell them to do.

(12) Anonymous, June 8, 2007 11:54 AM

Supervision is the Key in the Early Years

This is a painful period in almost every child's life. I believe the most critical time is the first 12 years. Speaking from experience, kids don't have a sense of which foods are right, or what portion is right; all they know is that it taste good. This is how a parent can take charge & gently direct or supervise whenever possible. Case in point is my 10 year old niece who is slim, but has a tendency to gain weight. During 2 instances, my niece needed guidance in the foods she chose; she wanted a whole Ã‰clair & a large Chocolate Donut at the same time. Her mother offered only 1 choice, then said she would cut this choice in half since the pastries were so large. My niece chose the Ã‰clair, which was cut in half, then instead of drinking whole milk, she was given 2%. Another time we were at a restaurant, where my niece ate a large croissant with butter; she turned to her mother & asked if she could have another one; the answer was No, but, since dinner had not been served yet, her mother suggested having crackers with her cup of soup, followed by a small salad, meat & vegetable sides, & mixed fruit as dessert. I know it is not possible to have parents supervise kids all the time, but, as I told my niece; there are 2 types of foods; essential foods we need to live, & fun foods we eat after we have eaten the right foods first. The whole focus is identifying these foods first. This is the simplistic explanation; we know it is more complicated. Parents can be examples for their kids; why tempt your kids with junk food in the house in the first place? It all begins with Mom & Dad. Once these kids grow up, they can make their own food decisions, hopefully making the right choices. If kids don't have this foundation to fall back on, then, they will continue to make wrong food choices.

(11) Rosen, June 3, 2007 10:08 AM

Nutritional development

Good nutrition typically begins within the first 5 years of a child's life. If he is given the right amount of servings including fruits, veggies, adequate meat, and dairy, then he will thrive. But, if he/she is exposed to fast food such as burgers and fries at an early age, he/she nutrition will likely go off-balance, resulting in obesity, depending on the child's metabolism. All too often mothers will nag their children to eat right and health, while their fathers enable them to eat junk food, therefore, giving the child mixed messages on what to eat. Parents must indeed has a unified system to have their children eat the right foods, and eat certain foods with sugar, salt, fat, oil, etc. more sparingly.

(10) Anonymous, June 1, 2007 12:57 PM

Sound, smart and loving advice....

As a Pediatric Nurse who has an addiction to cake and ice-cream and am also the Mother of an obese child the author is right in all of her observations. It should not be about how 'the parent - or the neighbors feel' - focus on the child who is suffering in school, in the playground etc. Children do better if the parent practices what they preach.
Focusing on healthy eating and alternative choices, having the patience to wait for the child to be ready to make a change, and praying to G-D in heaven to open the child's eyes to the healthier choices are all critical in helping the overweight child.
When my son was 7yrs. old I went on a Hi protein, lo carb, hi-vegetable/salad diet - my son slimmed down - It was all about what was available in the home for him to 'nosh' on. Unfortunately when I re-lapsed into my old eating habits....so did he.
My sister was always constantly badgering her son during meals 'with comments like, "Just stop eating already - you can't really still be hungry" - My heart broke for him and I begged her not to do this.
Remember children as well as adults know that they are overweight, let's give them the tools to succeed.

Thank you for a wonderful much needed article on this important topic

(9) Chana Levi, May 31, 2007 11:55 AM

Selecting low-cal foods

One idea is to sit down with your kids and make out a detailed shopping list.
Go through the list of fruit and vegetables and ask them to check off as many as they like. Then take them (or one child at a time) grocery shopping and let them select their favorite, low cal foods from the list. Then let them choose one or two 'junk' foods such as cookies or candy as a Shabbas treat only. My own kids (now grown) never had any weight problems and once when my slightly overweight nephew stayed with us for a month, he lost weight as we did not have any junk food around during the week.

(8) Steve, May 31, 2007 4:33 AM

Great article

Very pertinent comments, one tends to forget the sensitivity involved in this sort of situation. Our grandson (Just turned 5 ) and his Dad are way overweight, and are for ever dieting?, what has really helped is exercise. My wife and I as the grandparents are setting an example(Needing to slim down ourselves) I.E joining a gymn,running and eating less of the "Goodies" we Ghallisht" .It works, the kids have all taken to raw carrots,salads, and beleive it or not spinach and Broccoli.

(7) Anonymous, May 30, 2007 8:24 PM

Way to go, Judie Sand!

I'm the "anonymous" people are disagreeing with, and I've heard it all before: some of my friends feed their children potato chips, cookies, french fries and soda, explaining that if kids are not "exposed" to junk food in the home, they will merely pig out in secret when they get the chance.

This makes no sense. Judie Sand is absolutely right: feed kids healthy foods at home and they will lose weight. They'll also learn what it is to have a healthy diet.

I'm a teacher, and in some classes, half my young students are noticably overweight. This is madness. America's current obesity epidemic isn't a result of changing beauty standards, but of very real rises in diabetes, heart disease, and a host of other illnesses that accompany being overweight.

Hatzlacha (success) to all those parents who are trying to help their children maintain a healthy weight. Please, don't throw in the towel before you've begun, and assume that eating unhealthy junk food is either normal or inevitable. Try to make your home, at least, an oasis of healthful living.

(6) judie sand, May 29, 2007 4:47 PM

I have four grown children, and my oldest son, now 38 yrs old, went through a time between 7 and 15 yrs old when he wore "huskys". As a teen, he became more active, and lost a lot of weight on his own. The most important thing you can do is to totally eliminate sugar drinks (drink water and iced tea instead, not diet sodas) and carbs from the FAMILY diet, introduce more vegetables usually in the form of salads, and substitute chicken and fish for beef. Everyone in the family should become more active, and the emphasis should not be on looks, but on health. Make sure he eats whole grain breads and good cereal every day. He will begin to really feel good, and become more active on his own, thereby loosing weight and getting a great feeling about himself.

(5) Dvirah, May 29, 2007 3:51 PM

A Point, to Anonymous 5/28/2007 (in support of t)

I would like to point out that weight was a non-issue for our grandparents not because no-one was fat, but because the cultural viewpoint on fatness was different then. Certainly one can - even should - have more of the "healthy" snacks in one's house than the "junk foods", but resistance is built up by limited exposure, not total secrecy - which anyway is impossible once the child spends time out of the house. He/She will see what his/her classmates are eating - and the "damage" is done. Ms. Braverman's advice is the best I've heard on this subject.

(4) Anonymous, May 28, 2007 9:55 PM

I would like to respectfully disagree with anonymous who advocates removing all junk and "semi junk" foods. I personally know a family who does not allow snacks in the house. It is a known (to all but the mother, of course) fact that their child uses every opportunity to get as much junk as possible (begging from the classmates, buying during recess etc.). This child from a "junk-free" house eats significantly more junk that the average kid. More significantly, controlling this child in such a rigid way damages him much more than any junk can. Please think twice before trying to rule your kids with absolutism and strictness. It is much better to influence them with your example and teach them moderation.

(3) Anonymous, May 28, 2007 10:00 AM

Sound Advice

I disagree with the comment below that states "We all become overweight when we consume more calories than we burn." I personally know people who are very careful with what they eat and excercize every day (some even with personal trainers!) yet can't seem to shed the pounds. Some people are just built differently than others. However, we can all help our children to be as health as possible, and Mrs. Braverman has some great advice and suggestions.

(2) Miriam, May 28, 2007 5:47 AM

Not guess work

As a chubby kid who now has a couple chubby kids, I went to a professional dietician only to learn I was not eating too much, but needed to add proteins and exercise. Talk about self-image changing! My kids aren't as enthused as my husband and I, but they will see the consistancy of our few modifications (whole wheat, drinking water, eating a piece of fruit with our usual dessert, and walking), see that we keep off the weight we are losing, are enjoying their ballet class, and will hopefully make the decision to stick to the advise of our dietician. Ultimately, they have to make the choice, but As parents, we are educating them and praying for the message to be heard. Thank you for raising this topic of the century!

(1) Anonymous, May 27, 2007 9:01 PM

It's a parent's job to teach good eating habits!

As a parent, I found this article self-defeating. Children don't inevitably become fat, and obesity is not due to our genes (otherwise it would have been an issue for our grandparents and great-grandparents, which it wasn't).

We all become overweight when we consume more calories than we burn. Children today exercise less than in the past - because cars are more common, and because they can stay inside and watch TV or play video games instead of playing outside.

Children also eat much more food - and more fattening foods - today than in the past. For instance, it used to be that a cookie was a special treat; now, many kids munch on them every day as a snack.

That's where we parents come in. Not only should we encourage our kids to play outside more, but we should also eliminate unhealthy foods from the house. Here's where I disagree with Mrs. Braverman; not having unhealthy foods will not encourage closet gluttony, but might instead give children an idea of what it is to eat healthily.

Here's a suggestion (based on personal experience). Throw out every piece of processed food in your house. Oreos, cereal, potato chips, crackers, etc. (You probably think I'm crackers for suggesting it, but bear with me.) Imagine what your grandmother would have eaten 80 years ago or so. Meat, fish, fruit, vegetables, grains. Snacks might have been a slice of breat with jam or an apple or carrot. Not a bag of potato chips or a handful of animal crackers (as I see in many schools and houses). Give your kids healthy, "boring" snacks and healthy, sensible meals, and save cookies and cake for special occasions, like Shabbat. That's a recipe for maintaining a healthy weight, and a valuable lesson to impart to our children.

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About the Author

Emuna Braverman

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Please check out Emuna’s new book A Diamond for Your Daughter – A Parent’s Guide to Navigating Shidduchim Effectively, available through Judaica Press

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.