_(english).jpg)
"The smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention." – Duguet
I don't know who Duguet was or in what context he (or she?) said this, (I could probably look it up on Wikipedia but who has time?) but it is actually very good marital advice.
In the romantic poetry and prose genre, those in love speak of the rose petals they want strewn at the feet of their beloved; they speak of canopies of stars, the song of birds, the glow of the harvest moon. The woman, the apparent recipient of these imagined gestures of undying devotion, swoons at his feet.
But, I have to confess, they leave me unmoved.
I would trade changing the light bulbs for the rose petals, taking out the garbage for the stars, and since I have an irrational fear of birds, just about anything for that!
Words of affection are certainly nice. And necessary. The desire to give to someone you love is a good one, as is the wish to express your caring lavishly.
But not only are those gestures impractical, they're frequently not as meaningful as the small daily mundane activities. Because they are ultimately useless (Sorry, I'm a practical kinda gal), they don't relieve our daily burden, they don't ease our stress, they don't remove any pressure from our regular responsibilities. They aren't really giving us what we need, what is truly helpful.
Do they really express love or just the poet's fanciful notion of it? If my husband ever thought to throw rose petals in my path (he knows me better than that!), I'd probably laugh. But when he went away recently and set up the coffeemaker for me so I wouldn't have to do anything in the morning when I stumbled bleary-eyed out of bed, I was touched. And appreciative.
These kinds of small actions are the ones I think Duguet was referring to, the ones that are better than grand intentions, the ones that are easier to implement and of much greater value.
Maybe one positive result of this recession will be a back-to-basics in the romantic arena as well.
If Duguet could have gone in the same spirit (maybe he did), I think he would have said that small private acts are also preferable to large public ones (although he may have worded it better). Affection expressed excessively in public is, at best, a show and, at worst, a humiliation. (Or is it the other way around?) Not only is its sincerity suspect -- it's not clear whether it's for you or the crowd. (Can we officially end proposals on the scoreboard at baseball games?!) It takes something private and special and turns it into a public experience. That's not love, that's Hollywood.
We have gotten used to expecting the lavish: elaborate proposals, fancy weddings, exotic honeymoons, large diamonds, extravagant gifts and vacations. But maybe one positive result of this recession will be a back-to-basics in the romantic arena as well. Maybe it will mean a return to the (dull?) solid values that keep marriage together, the interdependency for the little things, the expression of affection in simple, reserved and private ways. And the making a little extra effort to give just a little more -- to make her tea after dinner, to take his shoes to be resoled and polished, to bring her flowers for Shabbos, to order the books he wants from the library.
No one will ever write sonnets to these activities, yet this is the stuff of real life. And real success.
I haven't seen any studies but I'm sure that these relationships – the ones built on the smallest good deeds instead of the grandest good intentions – are the longer lasting ones.
(7) Deborah , April 28, 2009
JLG you are indeed very romantic
You do indeed have a long way to go in my opinion. 1st work - then pleasure. First you do the household chores and only THEN start to sing. That is the only way to make it. Few women will smile & feel great while you are singing and the laundy and dises are piling up...
(6) Rachel , April 24, 2009
Yes, and No
1. I agree that all the little things are important, but it's important to keep in mind that what's important to one person may not be important to another. After much hinting from me, my husband recently bought me a subscription to a beautiful magazine -- I always love the content, and now I will think of his thoughtfulness every time it arrives in my mailbox. So if one's spouse would love a subscription to Sports Illustrated, why not? 2. Don't equate any art with day-to-day life. Artists (and I include poets, songwriters, etc) take everyday life and distill it to something precious and rare. 3. I don't know the quote with which you started the article, but I know my grandma's homely version: The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Married at 15 (in her best dress, not a wedding gown), mother of the first of 4 sons at 16, she made a home for her husband and children through the Great Depression and 2 world wars. With an 8th grade education, she read the paper everyday and knew well what was going on in the world. On a truck driver's salary, she saw that all her sons were better educated than their parents. She was proud -- and helpful -- grandmother of 13 grandchildren. And her marriage ended after 57 years with my grandfather's death. There was no money for flowers or diamonds, but there was unbelievable commitment and care between my grandparents (while I have described her, I could say similar things about my grandpa -- his work ethic, his devotion to his wife & family, etc.) There memories are a blessing and an inspiration.
(5) JLG , April 21, 2009
I don't disagree...but I don't agree either
Your article is interesting - I don't necessarily disagree that doing small deeds is a bad thing. Its not. But don't you think that we can do much, much better? For instance, lets say I know that my future wife is going to come home from work late, she is under a ton of stress, and that her favourite shirt sitting in the laundry hamper. I know she would want to wear that shirt to her important meeting tomorrow. Sure, noting the above situation, I could simply throw the stuff in the machine, and when she got home it would be clean. But, that is a given, I would do it anyways, and we can do so much better than that as spouses. If the entire relationship is based on changing coffee filters and doing laundry, we have a very, very long way to go. The first thing which I have to say is that penning her a romantic song (just one of many things we could do to show our feelings for our spouse, not saying that everyone does this) shows them that we are more than just a cleaning maid or a friend who helps them live easier. The second thing, is that the problem with simply "making lives easier" for our spouse is that it does not allow us to make a true connection with them. If I wash that aforementioned shirt, and its done when she comes home, there is no real emotion involved to it - anyone could have done that. It's not personal. Lets say I play her a romantic song on the guitar - both of us laugh, both of us smile. She goes to that meeting tomorrow feeling like a star. Much, much more meaningful. I don't think that you are wrong, but I just think that we can be so much more to our spouses than a coffee filter changer. And, as you can tell, I'm a hopeless romantic. lol
(4) Anonymous , April 21, 2009
You are sooooo right!
As a full-time employed mother of 5, I can't agree more. My friend always says that real foreplay is taking out the garbage, bathing one of the kids, doing the dishes while the other is putting the kids to bed. The relief of the daily burdens frees you up to more loving and available to your spouse and this is what means the most to me. My husband bringing me a cup of tea while I am working or doing something else small goes a long way. But I agree with Joe that sending flowers, or buying gifts shouldn't be forgotten. We like those bigger things too!
(3) Dvirah , April 21, 2009
Agree 100% - and there is a sonnet,
it is "How Beautiful Behind the Tea Pot" by John Dunne, an English poet of the 17th century (or thereabouts). In it he celebrates his wife for her everyday activities and finds her beautiful not in exaggerated terms but in her most humble aspects.