There is a famous story about friendship in the Talmud. It is the story of Rav Yochanan and Resh Lakish, unlikely study partners whose daily interaction and give and take was so deep and meaningful that when Resh Lakish died, Rav Yochanan was thrown into bitter mourning and passed away soon afterwards. The friendship and relationship was life-sustaining.
This ancient sentiment has been confirmed recently by numerous studies. (see: What are Friends For? A Longer Life in NY Times, April 21,2009) Strong friendships lead to greater success in battling illness and to greater vibrancy in general. Friendships promote brain health and psychological well-being. And without friends...the converse is true.
Friends are a crucial support system, not just in sorrow but also in joy. What's good news without someone to share it with?
Yet there is a price. The mishnah in Ethics of our Fathers says "Buy for yourself a friend." This is not referring literally to a financial transaction; it's referring to time and effort.
A friendship requires give and take. If it is all one or the other it is not a friendship. It may be a relationship you want to maintain for other reasons, but it is a delusion to call it friendship.
Like a marriage, friendship demands commitment.
Like a marriage, friendship demands commitment. It requires saying "I'm there for you" and meaning it.
Which is why, Facebook to the contrary, most of us have very few friends. It is simply not possible to invest the time and effort and emotion necessary to create true friendship in large numbers of people.
Nor is it wise. Although CNN thought it was breaking news that Ashton Kutcher was the first to reach 1,000,000 Twitters, I was surprised it was considered newsworthy at all. It may say something about star power; it says nothing about real relationships.
And successful friendships share another common trait with successful marriage. They require common goals and a shared sense of purpose.
It may not be that hard to find someone to see a movie with but it is significantly more difficult to find someone who will help you out when you're in trouble and stand by your side through thick and thin.
Many years ago a friend of ours who was a prominent local philanthropist was sentenced to some time in jail for a relatively minor white collar crime (I'm not justifying the crime, merely explaining the circumstances). All of the sudden no one in any of the organizations that had been feting him would return his calls. Only my husband and a very few others bothered to visit him in prison.
Because they require so much time and effort, real friendships are rare. Because they require so much energy and attention, real friendships are precious. And, as the Talmud and recent studies demonstrate, life-sustaining and affirming.
Well worth the price.
(14) ata , May 12, 2009
wow, it gave me a lot of answers i didn't even realize i was looking for!!!
(13) Anonymous , May 1, 2009
True friendship ...
Thank you so much, Emuna, for making such a strong statement. You cannot know how ... relieved ... I feel to consider that it's okay that I don't have many friends. Well, not okay, as in, I'm okay about it ... but ... okay ... I do not want gratuitous friends but a true connection with another or others. After all, no one is truer than Hashem! I live in a suburban area and am wrapping up my second year with an empty nest and ... sometimes ... a loneliness. My car expired four years ago. I decided to use public transportation and, because I wasn't as active as before ... cooking meals, participating in every event at shul, etc. ... it was like I fell off the planet. For a while I felt angry. "I thought they were my friends!" But I realize they were not. I am not financially wealthy, have not experienced growing up in an observant home, need to learn ... from scratch ... how to relate to others, especially potential marriage partners ... and sometimes it's overwhelming, this alone-ness. Other times, like this moment ... reading your article ... I am grateful that I really am NOT alone ... at least not in how I think. How lovely it would be to make a real friend!
(12) Tzippy , May 1, 2009
friend
First you have to be your own best friend before you can be someone else's
(11) Shmuel Zev , April 30, 2009
A new reality
We get too caught up on technology and substitute it for reality. For example, it’s harder than ever to have a personal conversation with anyone without being interrupted by a cell phone call. Less commuters spend time reading on public transportation from work, as it is easier to chill out with an iPod. No need to think. How many people actually walk to a nearby location when they cold rather drive there? When you walk, you can think, observe things, stop and chat with a neighbor or friend, breathe fresh air, exercise a bit. But it is easier to drive. Instead of being with friends, we and our kids opt for online entertainment. In a global world, we no longer have a national policy of Isolationism. However, we have brought that belief down to a personal level. Sad we are creating a new species called Humanoid.
(10) ANA , April 30, 2009
THE CHOICE WE CAN MAKE
The beauty in friendships, that we can choose. Some people enter our lives only to connect or bridge us for the next significant event and some are with us for the long run. Nourishing a friendship is when we invest time and care and genuine support through all times. When we assign a closure to the relationship we can also choose the fashion and that is a very important as we can utilize our wisdom and practicality replacing the emotional approach.