(37) Anonymous , September 11, 2009

An unchosen relationship

It can be difficult, it's someone you didn't choose; I don't mean choose for your son, I mean choose for yourself. I find young women (actually talk and behave like girls); lacking charater, integrity, dignity, and are self serving.

(36) ANON , September 11, 2009

Preparation classes

Since the MIL/DIL relationship seems to be so problematic in our community, and severely harms marriages, why is there no discussion about it in the chatan/kallah classes given before marriage? Perhaps this is something to consider.

(35) ANON , September 11, 2009

Response to two way street (#6)

For all those here who have made the comment that it is a two-way street, or that the DILs also have to take responsibility...It is important to note that the MIL/DIL relationship is not on equal grounds. The MIL NEEDS the DIL a LOT more than the DIL needs the MIL. When the MIL chooses not to accept the DIL for who she is, or to criticize the DIL (she is cold, she does not call us, she does not accept us, on and on), or to act as if her son has made a mistake in marrying the DIL, or any other passive aggressive behavior towards the DIL, the MIL risks losing the relationship with her son and grandchildren. It is that simple. So, MILs out there, make the smart choice. Put your own needs and wishes aside. The son you raised and supposedly love so much chose this woman and loves her. If you really love your son and want what is best for him, then love (and accept) his wife UNCONDITIONALLY.

(34) Anonymous , September 11, 2009

i like this explanation very much, this is absolutely true, but there is another side of the coin when the daughter - in- law does not want to accept you as a family. you just different from her and her parents or family. what to do in this case?

(33) Gila , September 10, 2009

does not work

This is indeed oversimplified. It only works if MIL and DIL are reasonable. It depends on relationship and characteristics of MIL and DIL.

(32) Baila , September 10, 2009

The simple truth is

The simple truth is, if you really want a good relationship with your daughter-in-law and thereby help your son be happily married LOVE HER LIKE SHE WAS YOUR DAUGHTER FROM BIRTH. Women really just want to be loved. They already feel insecure as a new wife, new mother etc. (They are fully aware that you are his mother and the main woman in his life since birth!)They do NOT want YOUR unsolicited advice and opinions. If YOU treat her like your own daughter, you wouldn't criticize her, her actions or inactions. You'd just love her. She is not a whore, just because you give her, your son and THEIR children gifts does NOT entitle you to give your "opinions", "advice" or tell them how they should use your financial GIFTS. It's supposed to be a gift, not a bargaining tool. It's none of your business how they choose to raise THEIR children, spend THEIR money (yes, it's their money when you give it to them) etc. A truly good mother-in-law is one who loves their children in laws like they love their children!!! I wish my mother-in-law would understand that the reason I am so cild to her is because of the lack of love she's given me. I feel like her servant, her punching bag etc. It's true she is very generous with us financially but their are always stringts attached, she's loving to all my children but puts me down verbally in front of them. If the Torah didn't forbid it--I'd tell her off. At one time she even told my husband to divorce me!!! She does not realize the harm she's done to me and my family!!! I do NOT like her as a person, but I love her because she is my husbands mother.

(31) brooke , September 10, 2009

this article doesn't say anything.. or help at all for daughter in laws with mother in laws that are pushy and wont give up their son.

(30) Avraham , September 10, 2009

Overly Simplified

This is a very nice article, but in my opinion extremely oversimplified. Relationships between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws are exceptionally complex and the remedy for many strained mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships cannot be solved by a simple change in the mother-in-laws attitude (although it is a great start). The M-I-L/D-I-L relationship is complicated further in that it doesn’t only involve the two women, but also how they subconsciously perceive the relationship as a tug-of-war for the emotions and affections of the son/husband. For example, anonymous (5)’s description of a M-I-L who exhibits passive-aggressive qualities, supportive yet critical, is a very common M-I-L/D-I-L scenario in the Jewish community. I believe that in this case, the root of the M-I-L’s inability to allow her son and his wife to make important life decisions without critique stems from an unhealthy and excessive attachment with her son. She has not allowed her son to transform into an autonomous individual. At the same time, the son may also enable this unhealthy connection by not setting sufficient boundaries. Perhaps the daughter-in-law may feel the need to over-compensate in her relationship with her husband and fight for attention. Even just this one damaging scenario, among many that are common in our community, can be exceedingly multifaceted and complicated. It is important to reflect and realize that, as Mrs. Braveman points out, 60% of all marriages are burdened by struggles with in-laws. For some, the suggested mental modification might work, but for the rest of us it is going to take a lot of hard work and even therapy to make practical, constructive, and lasting changes.

(29) Elizabeth , September 10, 2009

Argh.....

My mother in law is a good woman and very giving... Unfortunately we are living with her b/c her plans of building was set back b/c she lost her job. I now suffer stress induced memory loss and migraines, Since we are always together she feels like she has to know every detail of our lives. It's hard to have two women under one house. The relationship I had with her I no longer have and I fear it's not fixable. I pray that Adonai gets me out of this house or I will never get along with her again....

(28) Anonymous , September 9, 2009

The ones I know who could benefit from this advie would not believe it.

The ones I know who could benefit from this advie would not believe it. It is soooo wise.

(27) Pnina Hartley , September 9, 2009

it takes 2

Respect, tolerance and affection must flow both ways when a girl marries another woman's son. After what threatened to be a very rocky beginning, Hannah and I achieved those qualities in our relationship. The most important part of the process was to accept each other as we were, not as we would prefer. We shared a man whom we loved, as one would expect, differently but equally much. By not competing for his affections we managed to avoid the strife so common between mothers-in-law and their daughters-in-law. I was fortunate to have a good role model i e my own mother. Hannah is long since gone but we still miss her.

(26) Irene , September 9, 2009

I had the most wonderful mother-in-law. I can honestly say when she died I lost a friend and a second mother. She never interfered, always offered help and never ever critisized. She had 3 daughters-in-law and I can honestly say I was her favourite. I treated her like my own mother and she treated me like a real daughter. As they say, respect breeds respect.

(25) Joe , September 9, 2009

Lost a son

My son married a very smart talented and pretty girl. But not of our faith. I said was I hope this will work out. One thing led to another and after after the wedding he is gone. He has 2 girls we never saw. Ps. She is not helping the situation at all. if anything making it worse.

(24) Anonymous , September 9, 2009

LOVE, RESPECT, ADMIT UR MISTAKES AND ALWAYS BE GIVING< YOU WILL HAVE A HAPPY SON AND A LOVING DAUGHTER IN LAW. LOOK AWAY FROM FLAWS AND FAULTS AND ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE GOOD AND DON"T FORGET TO COMPLIMENT> U WiLL GET A DAUGHTER NOT A DAUGHTER IN LAW>

(23) Leah , September 9, 2009

I have the most wonderful mother-in-law in the whole world! In fact I am going to tell her to read the comment section here to bring her joy in her life! She and I kibbutz about each other being each other's most favorite mother- in- law/ daughter - in-law (I am married to her only son). I cannot stand how the world pushes the persona that a daughter - in law must hate her mother- in - law. What rubbish! My mother - in- law does not interfere with her chidren's business and is a joy to be around. May she live and be well to 120 years in good health!

(22) ANGELA , September 9, 2009

JUST LOVE THEM

I like this article....for me there is no problem between me and my daughter-in-law, because i take her as she is. What matter to me is she is taking good care of my son, more than i could do at this present time. Just to see my son happy with her is enough joy for me.

(21) Anonymous , September 9, 2009

How do you love a daughter-in-law who never calls and only communicates via e-mail and only when absolutely necessary? She acts like my husband and I are strangers. Our son insists that she send cards for occasions and she finds the most generic cards that could go to the stranger on the street.....never says Dad or Mom on the cards. Now she sends e-cards. She is just a cold fish and my husband and I continue to be nice, but we feel, at best, she just tolerates us.We have never acted any way but "loving" toward her.

(20) ANON , September 9, 2009

You've got to be kidding

From day one, my son's wife (daughter outlaw to me) has insulted me and my home numerous times from dirty silverware to dirty towels to the uncomfortable bed. My mind had been open to her until then. And yes, she converted. My husband and I wanted to be there to celebrate and sponsor an oneg. She rejected us being there. Her reason, she's a private person. Private person my eye. You should have seen her perform for practically the entire cruise ship on entertainment night. Now we're to become first time grandparents. Most first time grandparents probably can't wait. We can, we're just dreading this time of our lives because of HER. And we do also blame our son, since he just can't seem to remember who brought him up with religion and family around at holiday time.

(19) Anonymous , September 8, 2009

Don't forget about the son-in-laws

Could you PLEASE write a similar article (just longer and much more extensive and detailed) for in-laws relationships with their son-in-law?? Believe me there is a lot that could be written.

(18) ruthenyu , September 8, 2009

good article

There are some terrible DILs out there to be sure, but B"H, mine is pretty good. I don't always agree with what she does or how she thinks, but that is irrelevant. And she is very good to me. More importantly, she is a great wife and a wonderful mother. Even more importantly, she believes that it is very important for her children to have a solid relationship with their BeeBee (how my little granddaughter says "Bobe"). My son is active-duty military and she takes in stride all the hardship, uncertainty, and loneliness that his career entails. So I can't complain at all, although I sometimes do anyways. That's why this article was important to me: I need the reminder!

(17) Tamar , September 8, 2009

Annoymous Mother in Law

Have you thought that maybe the reason your daughter in law "cares nothing for you or your family or your religious heritage & faith; mocks & placates you" is that she knows that you merely "placate" her rather than really love her? The reality is if she "cares nothing for your religious heritage", your son probably doens't either, otherwise he wouldn't have married her. If you unconditionally love your son, even though he "cares nothing for your religious heritage", you should show that same love to your daughter in law. If you don't, you'll either lose your relationship with your son or he will end up divorced and bitter and blame you for ending his marriage. Neither of those options would make any loving mother happy.

(16) Anonymous , September 8, 2009

I could never dream about a sincere and real relation with my daughters in law

It is almost imposible. At the beggining they are kind and loving and try to catch your son in every possible way. One of my daughter in laws even made me 2 skirts and 3 dresses with some material I brought back from Tahiti. She was so sweet you couldnt believe it. You should see her now, everything good is for her mother and father and brothers. They are invited to the beach house my son has baught her on week-end and I may go once a year. But her smiles are sweet as ever with our family. The second one told me at the very beggining that she will be a wall between me and her husband. She is jelous with everybody and specially with me. I always had wonderful close relations with my sons and let the do freely whatever they wanted. Still, they both smile and are sweet in front of them. We never fight we never argue, I stay away and give never ideas. But I did give them all my diamonds my family brought from Europe and golden bracelets because my daughter didnt want them. There can be NO true love between us. It is impossible, but also there is never a harsh word. Its just the cold you feel with every hug.

(15) Loretta , September 8, 2009

Thank you for this article

This came at just the right time for me. Just before the Holidays. And it really helped me think of my relationship with my daughter-in-law. You are right. If she makes my son happy then it should make me happy as well.

(14) no name , September 8, 2009

My mother and law and I used to have a great relationship until her daughter moved to our city. Her daughter is a prima donna and made it clear she was only interested in family when she needed something.My mother in law manipulates my husband to help his sister as she is constantly in financial crisis as she is entitled to live beyond her means. I was told by a religious therapist to have as little to do with her as possible. It hurt me for a long time to act so cold to family but after we received so many slaps in the face for good deeds we have done for them it feels much better to have distance between us. I even thought the cousins could get together but my sister in law cajoled me to let my daughter sleep over for shabbat when we were out of town and then sent her same aged cousin to sleep at a friend Motzai Shabbat.My two younget children recognize the prefential treatment their cousins receive from their grandmother and have pulled back from her. For example they were in a store and there was only one Webkin left . She said she wouldn't buy it but then went back bought it for my nephew and gave it to him .My husband and I lent her and my father in law $5,000 and she did not buy my dauhgter a bat mitzvah present. She could have given her a piece of old jewelry or something inexpensive. She also did not take a picture with her on her bat mitzvah and said my daughter was too busy with her friends. Despite all this I encourage my children to call her and be polite to her. One fawns all over her and the younger two don't seem to trust her. Any suggestions.

(13) Anonymous , September 8, 2009

Truth and wisdom in this article

My daughters in law have thank G-d easy and healthy relationships. It takes a decision on our parts. I truly believe that the mother in law has the "power" to facilitate good feelings from the start...since she is the adult and the one with more wisdom and maturity hopefully. Both my daugthers in law are wonderful thank G-d. A m.i.l. must really understand the concepts of this article or there will be pain. Kudos to Mrs. Braverman for saying it like it is. Look at the positive because there is soooo much of it. And hey, they love our sons. How wonderful is that?

(12) Miriam , September 8, 2009

Blessings passed down

I am blessed with the most loving mother-in-law. Over 40 years ago she welcomed me into the family even before my husband and I became engaged. Although I was very young and very flawed, she put up with my ignorance and encouraged me to become a better person. I was thus inspired to become the best mother-in-law possible. As my mother-in-law had done for me, I opened my heart and my home to my son's soul mate. I am happy to report that my daughter-in-law and I have a loving relationship committed to helping our family grow in observant Judaism. Our relationship has not been without conflict. We have survived many difficult times and have gotten past them. I treasure her as the wife of my son, the mother of my grandchild and my true friend and confidant. I urge all potential mothers-in-law to do what my mother-in-law did. Although she did not have a comfortable relationship with her own husband's mother, she began a precedent. Pass these blessings down in your families. I pray that you will be as blessed as I have been.

(11) denise , September 8, 2009

mother-in-law

I am a mother in law that has done exactly what you have stated and still I am a witch and nothing is good enough I am the enemy that comes to visit and despite never interfering and taking care of my grandchildren to give her a rest I am still bad....this article is not the real world

(10) Joy , September 8, 2009

Evil Witch of the East

And what if your daughter in law told you that you should sell your home, give her the money, and go live in a ghetto, smoked around your asthmatic grandchild, and told you if you wanted to buy gifts for your grandchildren, you had to buy her child by marriage a more expensive gift each time. Marital blackmail? How does one forgive that when the forgiveness is not even requested?

(9) Anonymous , September 8, 2009

Responding to anonymous (2)

And as a daughter-in-law, I wasn't even looking for love, just respect -- and I have a mother-in-law who cares nothing for her religious heritage, tells me that I've "brain washed" her son when we light candles and have Shabbat dinner, complains about the way frum girls dress, and constantly asks for money. We've stopped giving gifts (even thiings she's noted she would like) because on a couple of occasions, she then sold for cash things I had carefully picked out for her. My own grandmother was not an easy person but I loved her dearly and I've at least tried to make my mother-in-law welcome in my home, but she has completely alienated my children (her only grandchildren) with her rudeness and even cruelty. Not surprisingly, she and my father-in-law are divorced -- and he's a wonderful father-in-law, dad, and grandpa. My husband is the only member of our family who has anything to do with his mother, and that's out of a sense of obligation -- and I'm concerned for him because of the stress she puts on him.

(8) ruth housman , September 8, 2009

I am so lucky!

I love my son's wife. She just emailed me and she couldn't be a lovelier person and she's just a wonderful MOM. She shares the grandchildren with us, she engages in deep loving discussions of all kinds, she's a great listener and has so much to contribute, for depth, and warmth. So I am thanking God for making this happen! I do realize there are marriages that don't work all around and no matter how hard people try, something just misses the mark. I think it's really important to try to love your children's choices, but sadly, I know in life, there are these sorrows.

(7) , September 8, 2009

how about the daughter-in-law;s role - she should be preared to extend herselfcandreach out - help the older woman feel sheh as gained an allym not lost a son,

(6) Naomi , September 8, 2009

two way street

I agree with everything in this article, but the same should also hold true for the daughter-in-law. Just like the articles you've written about spousal relationships, where the wife should try to anticipate and meet the husband's needs, but the husband should also do the reverse. Only when both parties give 100% can the relationship work. When one is giving 100% and the other is giving nothing, resentments are bound to build that are bound to harm the relationship, either through direct comments and actions, or through "passive-aggressive" negativity.

(5) Anonymous , September 8, 2009

she just thinks she right and she can convince me to come to her side

My M-I-L is smart. and she's very sure of herself. And her way is the best way. And there in is the crux of all my problems with her. She likes, loves me and is very kind to me. Very, very generous with her wallet, time and unfortunately her advice. And she's nice about the advice too. But there is this subtle pressure all the time. These hints that her way works better. That I'm doing fine, but she knows better. I can let the housework, cooking etc type stuff go, but the way my husband/her son and I have worked out how to handle children, money, job schedules, holidays, that really rubs. Raw sometimes. I have unfortunately told her to back off a few times. She's always so hurt and offended. She's just trying to help, you know. Problem is, I didn't ask for her help. I'm married 23 years, with two married daughters and I'm in my 50's and she acts like I'm a 19 yr old. When do I get to be an adult in her eyes?? Hashem give me strength.

(4) chavaz , September 8, 2009

the best motherinlaw

I have been blessed with amother in law who could have written this article word for word. Now that my children are almmost all married I tell each of my in law children that one of my ambitions is to be as good a mother in law as my mother in law. See the good in your in law children, try to think of them as being your children without the pain of 9 months and childbirth!

(3) MESA , September 8, 2009

:)

I wonder if this is what my mother-in-law did. My only complaint is that I can't make mother-in-law jokes- mine is too amazing for that, B"H

(2) Anonymous , September 8, 2009

wicked witch of the west?

As spiritually angelic as that sounds, there's something often wrong with that picture here in the real world. Shouldn't there be automatic love & respect for the mother who raised the son (& probably went thru virtual hell in so doing?)? What if your son made a terrible mistake and married the wicked witch of the west (or east)? Who really cares nothing for you or your family or your religious heritage & faith; mocks & placates you; wants nothing to do with you & prefers that your son doesn't either? Don't get me wrong, I try to be kind & caring, send cards & gifts, get together, pray for, etc. However, some things are difficult to overlook, & don't believe should be.

(1) Elliora , September 6, 2009

sigh

I wish my mother-in-law could read this.. I congratulate all parents who love their sons and daughters-in-law!