“Watch your mouth.”
“Watch my mouth? Every time I try, my nose gets in the way!”
This silly line is from a children’s tape, an introduction to a song about a topic that isn’t silly at all -- the dangers of speaking in a negative way about others (otherwise known as lashon hara). But lashon hara is certainly not the only form of destructive speech. We can hurt others with words in many different ways. We can be mean, thoughtless, cruel, insensitive. To be a kind and caring person, we constantly need to watch our mouths.
And there’s even more. What we sometimes neglect to realize is that not only can we damage our fellow human beings through our misuse of the gift of speech, we can hurt ourselves as well.
I recently heard the host of a national radio talk show comment that one difference between the baby boomers and their parents is that the baby boomers swear more.
I think most of us would agree that this is not an example of progress! Yet we have become immune to it, completely desensitized.
My husband and I live in a bit of a bubble. Since he is a rabbi, people tend to “watch their mouths” around us. But once we step into the “real world,” it’s everywhere. One of the President’s advisers is even (in)famous for the amount of profanity he uses. I wouldn’t want that on my tombstone!
And people in the working world inform me that it’s ubiquitous. It’s taken for granted. I’ve been told that “It’s the only way to get things done. It’s the only way people will listen to me.” It makes you seem tough and powerful. But does it really?
I would think that power resides in those people with a greater command of the English language, those who can use other words to express what they mean. Just as a truly talented comedian doesn’t need to rely on cursing for a cheap laugh.
I seem to be out of step with the world around me. I’m offended by harshness and vulgarity. I find it profoundly disturbing and cringe when hearing it.
But I think the real harm is in how we coarsen ourselves through the use of profanity, how we damage our dignity, how we abuse that precious gift of speech that is uniquely human.
I think that when we resort to swearing -- either to make a point, or to be cool, or just as a part of conversation -- we diminish ourselves.
Many of us are careful to only put healthy or organic or the latest gourmet food into our mouths but cavalier about what comes out of them.
And bit by bit, we callous our souls. Bit by bit, we diminish our self-respect and, contrary to our avowed purposes, actually lose the respect of others.
Profanity masks a lack of real power.
We may be able to cow people into submission through screaming and cursing, but fear is not respect. The profanity masks a lack of real power.
I wouldn’t want to return to the fifties (or any other era for that matter) but not everything about it was bad. Making a point without swearing was testimony to a greater refinement of character, certainly a goal for all of us.
It can be like one of those “increase your word power” exercises in Reader’s Digest to try to find appropriate substitutes. Think how much more articulate and eloquent we will become. Think how much more elevated and dignified we’ll be. We’ll be reaching for the spiritual instead of sinking to the physical.
And what everyone’s grandmother or great aunt used to say -- “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it all” -- can be applied here also. Certainly silence is preferable to a barrage of vulgarity assaulting our ears or the ears of those around us.
I saw a beautiful idea recently that the Vilna Gaon expressed in his Ethical Letter: For every moment that a person closes his mouth, he merits a hidden light that no angel or earthly creature can fathom.
(19) Anonymous , October 16, 2009
thank you!
what a wonderful article. Sadly most of the people who should read it don't read aish.com! I recently started a course, the instructor, a 50 man, is incapable of speaking a sentence without at least one 4 letter word in it! Altho' I need this course for a qualification, and he is good at what he does, I'm not sure I can endure this. Baruch Hashem we become sensitized to bad language, but the outside world thinks it's normal. Friends tell me I should ask him to moderate his language but so far I haven't said anything, honestly I don't think he's capable of talking without profanity. What a sad world.
(18) Dr. Harry Hamburger , October 14, 2009
Profanity is idolatory
Do you think that anything that happens to us is without G-d's consent and will. When we do not get what WE want we curse, because WE feel the world owes us our wishes. We worship the god of self when we swear, instead of accepting what is happening to us with faith, humility, and patience. Often we hear patient say, "G-d damn it." They should say G-d damn me for taking His name in vain. In Hebrew the letters that make up worlds are also called stones, in that Holy speech is the building block of the world. Do we wish to repair the world with G-dly speech, or tear it down with profane speech? You decide!
(17) Tzvi - Urban Educator , October 14, 2009
GUARD your mouth
Simply watching one's language is insufficient. That can be taken to merely mean to be aware of his or her language. I tell my public school students that oftentimes they cuss and they don't even realize they are doing it. It has become so commonplace. I got a compliment from a student today- in the form of a question as to why I am so quiet. (I didn't realize I was so quiet). Nevertheless it took me back to Shmini Atzeret where a rav in Lakewood was giving mussar regarding the importance of being more selective about talking. I responded to this student that I try not to gossip, and therefore I tend to talk less. My answer satisfied the student, but got me thinking more- and I realized that her question was a positive statement in disguise. We need not merely to be aware of our speech, but let our lips act as guards to keep the profanity from escaping. Just as doing something positive can create worlds of good, so can refraining from improper speech. Speaking carefully and honorably can allow tremendous brachah to enter our lives and the whole world. Read (and ponder) the Iggeres HaRamban and see how he describes proper speech.
(16) Rachel , October 14, 2009
yes. but.
I enjoyed the article and most of the comments. Then I got to Comment 9, and read a diatribe about women in jeans, men with ponytails, the breakdown of family values -- none of which has to do with profanity. I worked for a time in a large law firm where $800 suits AND cursing (at the support staff, junior attorneys, and opposing counsel) were the norm. I've also worked in government and non-profit settings where people weren't paid well enough to afford a large fancy wardrobe but they treated everyone with respect. And I'm surprised that Ms. Braverman didn't point out another obvious fact about profanity -- much of it is misogynystic. One more reason it should be avoided.
(15) J , October 14, 2009
The Evil Inclination
I have thought a lot about this topic, especially after working in a litigation law boutique firm this summer. Of course, it is imperative to be healthy and competitive, but we had a lot of associates who described the client they went up against in court with some particularly nasty names - what it goes to show in my opinion, when you call someone such a name, is that they are relegated to sub-human status. You don't wish to compete against them, you wish to destroy them by comparing them to something that a pig rolls in. It definately affects your behaviour in dealing with that person/event, in the worst way. That, in my opinion is the evil inclination rising to the surface. Think about the expression - "I cursed under my breath" - its something that some of us do, because we know its the evil inclination, and we are trying to prevent it from fully coming out. Its something we battle with - not only to control the language we use, but even to control the way in which we see a particular event/person. Many times, after controlling the swear word, and saying "Sugar", instead of the fatal four letter word, you feel a lot better, and sometimes even laugh about the event that happened. And the author is completely right - the best leaders lead from inspiration, rather than creating fear with foul language. I know from seeing great leaders first-hand.