Alternative to Nagging

If you’re like me, you have a long list of things that need to get taken care of around the house (it usually starts with “Clean the garage”). If you’re like me, then you probably also have a second list with the more urgent tasks on it – the burnt-out light bulb that makes it impossible for your daughter to read at night, the drawer in the kitchen that always sticks which finally fell apart when you yanked it out in frustration, the few items you need from the grocery store to make that new chicken recipe you just read about.

And like me, you’re probably hoping/expecting that your husband will attend to many of these tasks.

And, if you’re like me, you’re probably going to go about it all wrong. My favorite (and least effective) strategy is to verbally assault my husband as soon as he walks in the door. “You’ve been promising to clean the garage for months and you still haven’t done it. Why do you only have time to do the things you want to do and not the things I want?!”

This disastrous technique is frequently followed by the equally ineffective and ill-advised silent treatment. Now I am left with a messy garage and an unhappy husband.

The better and wiser approach would be not to frame the issues as an attack or even as a demand but rather as a need.

“Even when I stand on a ladder, I can’t reach to change that light bulb. I would be grateful if you would do it for me.”

“I’m making your favorite chicken for dinner tomorrow night. It would be really helpful to me if you could stop at the store on your way home.”

“I like the way you organized the garage for me last time (don’t mention that it was 10 years ago!). It would take a huge burden off my plate if you could do it again.”

All of these requests have many advantages – for us and our husbands.

We can be proud of our behavior and our character. We are not shrieking. We are not reacting out of frustration. We are calm, polite, even loving.

We are not criticizing our spouse (never a great motivation for change) and they will therefore feel no need to be defensive or to attack in response.

And we are not expressing our request in terms of their lack but rather in terns of our need. Our husbands want to be needed. They want to give to us. They want to be helpful. But they also want to be appreciated for it.

We all get frustrated. There are so many things we want done. And we want them done yesterday. But none of them are worth harming our relationship over. All of these household chores pale in comparison to our marriage itself.

Learning patience, learning softer, gentler ways of speaking and asking will enhance all of our relationships. But most of all, we will be building up our husbands instead of knocking them down. We can tolerate that messy garage for a little longer…

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Published: March 18, 2012

Visitor Comments: 13

(9) leta Cooper, March 29, 2012 3:35 AM

Been trying for 5 years

Men, you can only expect so much from them, When he walks in the door give him a hug and a kiss, ask him if you can get him something and then walk out of the room and don't talk to him unlkess he speaks first. It really is quit simple. By the time I was done with my husband he thought I was so perfect, he wanted me to go buy Dr. Laura's book on the care and feeding of husbands. I think that's what it was called but, he wanted me to get it to see what she left out because , agin, I was perfect. Love him unconditionally, do your own chores, without grumbling to your self. Just do them, it is a lot better than complaining to your self that he has failed you . Expect nothing, spoil him rotten don't complain better yet just go buy Dr. Laura's book. She explains it better than I do. My husband listened to her as he was driving on his job with the county. So he learned a lot of life from her. There was some simple thing that she had some one do for her husband and was to get back with her the next week to see how it went and I got to hear the results. It worked it blew her away how easy it was. I was a already doing what she was saying to do . You just sit back and observe your husband figure out what he needs and then provide it. My life was a complete blessing. He was eating out of my hands and when he passed away the last thing he told me was that he loved me more than I would ever know. I can take it to the bank knowing how I was loved.

(8) Ben, March 26, 2012 3:10 PM

Bombarded with criticism when HE arrives

Agree with you Rachel. We as husbands need to be sensitive to our wives' long, hard, days as well, and shouldn't take jabs or even criticize as soon as we walk thru the door. The first words out of our mouths(as husbands), with a big smile, should be, 'hi beautiful.' A great thanks to all mothers out there, who have a difficult job 24/7. Thanks for ALL you do!. May we as husbands be more in tune to you. And may we strive to live Torah in every way, everyday.

(7) SusanE, March 24, 2012 7:24 PM

Nagging Women Create Uncomfortable Homes.

Why not just say 'This lightbulb burned out" If he says no, he won't replace it, then there is a bigger problem than the lightbulb. - - - - - - - - Please let me say I'm totally not the best person to comment when it comes to relationships..... but I'm going to anyway. If my husband asked me to stop at the auto parts store on my way home from work for a gaget he wanted for the car, I'd gladly have stopped if he couldn't get to the store. If running his errands, became a weekly habit I probably would say no. If he'd have asked me to please organize the kitchen the way I did it 10 years ago, because I had done it so nicely....... well, actually he would have never asked something like that. I'm not that naive, and it is very manipulating and cunning. - - - - - - - - When it came to jobs around the house that needed done, (insulating the attic, planting a garden, painting the house, washing the autos) if the cars needed washed, I'd put on flip flops, and get some sun, exercise and have clean cars. Likewise, he would do the same. ~~~~~~~~~~ Giving my spouse compliments to get what I want is just wrong. I agree with the other commenters. Saying to my husband, 'Our garage is a junk heap' is truthful and to the point. If it is that bad, then he realizes it needs straightened, if he says no he won't do it, maybe he just doesn't care about it. I would gently ask him why.

(6) Ben, March 21, 2012 5:15 PM

Honey.... tastes better than vinegar

Completely agree with the writer and Elliot. There is nothing worse than having a long , busy, tiring day at work, and then being bombarded with criticism as soon as we walk through the door. A gentler, loving approach, works much better. The Psalms speak about this gentler approach. Living an intentional life as husbands and fathers also enhances our marriages. Knowing how much those little things [garage and shopping, and other things] are important to her, and then intentionally doing them, is a sign of an in-tune hubby. No marriage is perfect, but when we all walk in Torah, as husband and wife, these nagging sessions become less and less. Our wives are not under our authority, but under our protection; that changes EVERYTHING. Just as Israel is under Hashem's protection as HIS bride.

Rachel, March 21, 2012 6:08 PM

Bombarded with criticism when HE arrives

Nothing is wore than having a long, busy, tiring day at home, and then being bombarded with criticism as soon as he walks through the door. Many women (esp. with young children) will tell you that they try all day to keep up with the household chores and don't appreciate hearing from their husbands about what didn't get done (or was done earlier and then messed up by the kids later.) And don't even get me started about the mitzvot that my husband has no interest in doing. Nagging doesn't work, but nor does setting a good example, telling him how important it is to me, or anything else.

let a Cooper, March 24, 2012 1:12 AM

Happy husbands

always put your husband first. Treat him with love and kindness as you would want him to treat you. Do this always with a happy heart and you will have a happy husband. If you get a happy husband ,you will be happy too.

(5) Suzanne, March 21, 2012 7:33 AM

Yeah Right

Been trying this for 5 years. After the first 5 words, he mumbles something and walks off. He gets most of the compliment and none of the request. If I follow him and try to finish, then I "talk too much".

ernie, March 21, 2012 4:24 PM

new start!

try another technique then.

(4) Elliott Katz, March 21, 2012 12:30 AM

Show leadership and you won't be nagged

Men don't like being nagged but few realize that a wife nags her husband not just to remind him to do a certain chore. It's often because the man isn't showing his share of leadership at home. Many men today think they're showing they're non-controlling by leaving the decisions at home to the woman. They wait for the wife to tell him what to do --and nag him. To the women, she is fed up with a man who is oblivious and shirking his responsibilities of showing his share of leadership at home. . . When a man knows what is going on at home and steps forward and makes decisions about what needs to be done -- that man is not nagged, he is a hero to his wife. See the Aish.com article: 5 Things a Man Needs to do in a Successful Relationship

(3) Mark, March 21, 2012 12:26 AM

Marriage is rough

I was married for 16 years. Never again. American women are scheming, manipulative, lying, and viperous. Change your own da** light bulb instead of getting angry at your husband because YOU haven't bothered getting a taller ladder, or help clean the garage, or buy your own ingredients for a "special" dinner for your husband, and the list goes on. Sounds like the writer needs a marriage counselor and a dose of "see ya later".

Anonymous, March 24, 2012 1:16 AM

Unhappy husband

To the poor fellow that was married to a american woman who was manipulative etc. You poor guy, you were married to the wrong woman. I am an american woman and my husband kissed the ground I walked on everyday. He was haqppy everyday as I put him first in all things and I was not taken for granite ever.

(2) Mick Bolton, March 20, 2012 6:15 PM

Male Preference.

We prefer to be nagged Emuna ... it's more energy efficient for us. ;o)

(1) Steve Skeete, March 20, 2012 3:55 PM

Response to 'alternatives'.

“Even when I stand on a ladder, I can’t reach to change that light bulb. I would be grateful if you would do it for me.” Response: sure, I think it's time we got a taller ladder! “I’m making your favorite chicken for dinner tomorrow night. It would be really helpful to me if you could stop at the store on your way home.” Response: Why don't you surprise me? “I like the way you organized the garage for me last time (don’t mention that it was 10 years ago!). It would take a huge burden off my plate if you could do it again.” Response: Next time I clean out the garage (like I did exactly ten years ago) could you please pay attention?

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About the Author

Emuna Braverman

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Please check out Emuna’s new book A Diamond for Your Daughter – A Parent’s Guide to Navigating Shidduchim Effectively, available through Judaica Press

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.