Bumper Sticker Boasting

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We need to teach our kids that self-worth is internally generated.

I recently read and then reread a great article. It was entitled “Be Instead of Brag” by Elizabeth Richardson Rau. Ms. Rau takes issue with all the braggy bumper stickers that adorn the back of many a parent’s car. “My child is an honor student at…” Her point is that children should take pleasure in the accomplishment, not in the accompanying praise from others (especially from strangers who view the information through their windshields!).

I totally agree with her. We want to teach our children that sense of self-worth is internal rather than externally generated. We don’t want them to grow dependent on the accolades of others because what will those same children do when that horrible day finally arrives and someone (gasp!) criticizes them or they don’t succeed in winning that student council election or getting that internship they sorely desired? They will have no coping skills. We will have let them down. That is at least one significant downside of these public proclamations.

But it doesn’t end there. No one is perfect. We adults and parents aren’t and teenagers are definitely not!! Elizabeth Rau mentions the type of honest bumper stickers she would have to put on her car – “Bedroom smells like a gym locker!” or “Suspended for having cigarettes in backpack”. We could all think of our own starting with “Ignored parents’ wishes this morning” “Wore the jeans I told him were too ripped for school” “Answers only with a grunt instead of real words when I speak to him” “Flew off the handle emotionally when I tried to talk to her”.

Okay, so we wouldn’t actually put those on our mini-vans and yes, it is good to focus on the positive rather than the negative, but we all need a little reality check. It’s damaging to me as a parent and to my child if others around us are perceived as perfect. Is my child the only one struggling? Is my adolescent the only one who talks back, slams doors, and doesn’t do his or her homework? Of course not. But these bumper stickers seep into our subconscious and they affect how we judge our children and ourselves. And that is damaging.

I would raise yet another problem with these bumper stickers. Who says that being on the honor list is an accomplishment, at least for the particular child in question? For some it definitely is. They work hard and study and review and study again. If they succeed it’s do a big investment of time and energy and they certainly deserve some recognition from their parents and teachers (again, not necessarily strangers behind them on the freeway) for that. But what about the child who doesn’t struggle, who was given a gift and who gets A’s with the most minimal of effort? Do they deserve a bumper sticker lauding their achievements? Certainly less so.

And finally, those not exhaustively, I think the other serious problem with this fad is that bragging is not an attractive character trait; it’s not something we want to imbue in our children. Their accomplishments should be celebrated in private – with a sense of dignity and humility. They should appreciate the gifts the Almighty gave them and we should give them credit for using them well. But all that effort is diminished when it’s turned into one-upmanship or showing off.

If we work hard and succeed, we want to stop and say thank you – to our parents who helped us and to the Almighty who gave us the ability to make the effort and to be successful. We want our children to appreciate that life is not about them and that academic success is a gift and a privilege. That can only be communicated in private and with a sense of gratitude to the Creator. We want our children to learn humility and to walk through the world with a sense of appreciation and empathy. In Jewish tradition, we praise kindness that is done with no thought to credit. We laud charitable contributions that are made anonymously with no focus on the donor. This sense of humility should inform all of our actions. The only Being’s praise we are seeking is that of the Creator’s – and He doesn’t use bumper stickers to communicate with us!

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