Raising Teenage Daughters
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Raising Teenage Daughters
Mom with a View

Raising Teenage Daughters

Yes, it can be a tough ride. Here are a few effective tools to hold onto your sanity.

by

According to researchers at Cambridge University, the average mother and her teenage daughter have a 15-minute argument every 2-1/2 days.

That’s actually good news. I think I’m ahead of the curve. At least on intervals between fights. Not sure about duration though. It depends if the prolonged sulking afterwards is considered part of the 15-minute fight time or not. What about the time she spends complaining to her friends about her terrible lot in the parenting department? What about the parallel conversation I’m having with my husband?

Whatever the statistics, we all know that raising teenagers can be a rough ride. And that it puts the mother-daughter dynamic to the test.

While a certain amount of friction is unavoidable, I believe there are some tools that we, as mothers, can use to keep the noise level low – literally and figuratively.

One of the most important strategies in dealing with teenagers – and probably the hardest one of all – is not to take their behavior personally. This is particularly difficult when the words suggest otherwise, when she says “You’re so unfair, you just don’t understand, I hate you.” But we must ignore the actual words and try to look beneath the surface.

Our daughters are a whirl of emotions that just seem to burst out at unexpected and inappropriate times. They aren’t really directled at us. They are just so intense that she doesn’t know where to put them. And there we conveniently are. But it’s a release of the pressure of that emotional buildup and not really a condemnation of us.

As hard as that may be to believe at the time, it is crucial to our relationship that we don’t react defensively, that we don’t take her at her word. We want a relationship, not a power struggle. We want to be empathic to her tumultuous state, not assertive of our own power, position or correctness.

This is very difficult – make that extremely difficult – to do. What makes it possible at all is the recognition that underneath all the bluff and bravado is just a scared, little girl – someone who simultaneously wants her independence and is terrified of it. She wants to separate and she wants to run back to the comfort of our arms. She wants to make it on her own and she wants us to take care of her. She doesn’t know who she wants to be and what the future holds. And it’s intimidating. But she can’t acknowledge that. She wants to be able to spread her wings but she wants the security of the nest still there, waiting for her. Think of it as the terrible twos on steroids, I mean, hormones.

It’s so hard not to react when they attack. It’s so hard not to feel “After all we’ve done for you” or hurt or insulted or embarrassed. But we need to be the adults here. We need to be the strong ones and not the needy ones.

We need to provide our daughters with the foundation they need to really grow into adulthood. We need to weather whatever they throw at us. And they need to know that we are always there for them, no matter what. And that there are no challenges that they – and we – can’t survive.

Being a parent is an awesome responsibility. And, in parenting adolescents, we take some hits. But, please God, we all emerge stronger and closer from the experience.

Don’t let the fights discourage you. You see they’re common (take comfort if you are below the average!) and crucial to our daughters’ growth. Just stand steadfast in your love and support. This really is a case where love conquers all (especially when mixed with a healthy dose of prayer!).

Published: June 2, 2012


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Visitor Comments: 15

(13) Anonymous, January 15, 2013 9:52 AM

14 yr old....nothing's wrong?

It is comforting to know this stage is normal but when do you know when it is not? I caught my 14 yr old with pot shortly after my Mom passed away. She has completely shut down and shut out. I know she is in a bad place. There is always drama with her friends . I know she is freeking out inside but her cool exterior makes it impossible to reach her. Do I pray for it to pass? I know counseling would help but I can't get an appointment fast enough and I am scared.

bigwig, February 23, 2013 5:52 AM

Get counselling

I went thru the same thing with my 14 year old. when you call the med co ask for a substance abuse counselor. don't be afraid if theyre not a phd. talk to the counselor before the appt. tell them whats going on. if they make sense make the first apt you can. youre daughter needs you now more than ever. you can get your child back. im glad to say I did. good luck

(12) Anonymous, January 14, 2013 8:02 PM

Driving a car

My teen has no idea that you should not drive when tired because they see and hear us do it all the time. She has had two accidents. How do I deal with this?

(11) Tzvia, June 8, 2012 2:49 PM

Acne and the teenage girl's behavior

Some specific problems will take a pretty nice teenage girl and turn her into a monster. Acne -- even a mild case -- combined with a young teen girl's other changes, can cause a lot of problems; it's not just a phase. There are great treatments these days (usually requiring a dermatologist -- demand it from your doctor!), but they can sometimes take 4 - 5 months to work. Once our 13 year old daughter's acne cleared and we ended the related problems the acne caused, her behavior changed dramatically.

(10) Emma Zane, June 7, 2012 1:59 PM

Count your blessings

Thanks Emuna. As the mother of a few girls, I can definitely relate. It's painful to hear the "I hate you"s and the "your ruining my life"s, when we know we're doing the best we can. Parents should realize that the day will come when their kids will regret those salvos. A word of advice though, when they're making you miserable, don't wish the same on them. You'll be just as miserable seeing your kids suffer if they go through the same thing. Wish instead that they have healthy, easy children, so you can shep nachas, too. Also, be grateful that your kids are going through these "normal" phases, even if they don't seem normal to you. There are many people that would gladly trade places. Count your blessings.

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