Telling Lies

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When is it appropriate to shade the truth?

There is a GEICO ad which asks the question “Was Abe Lincoln honest?” It shows him struggling to answer his wife’s question, “Does this make me look fat?” Compelled to tell the truth, he just can’t get out the words he knows he really should say. Finally he tells her that yes, perhaps it does, just a little.

The ad is funny; the damage to a real marriage may not be.

Judaism puts a very high premium on truth-telling, admonishing us to stay far from falsehoods. Yet Jews also recognize that there are times when it is necessary and even appropriate, to tell a white lie – or at the very least, shade the truth.

"Does this make me look fat?" is a classic. The appropriate answer is always, “No, you look beautiful.” Even God told a white lie for the sake of peace and to promote the affection in a marriage. When God told Sarah that she was going to have a child, she laughed and said, “I am old and my husband is old.” Upon repeating the story to Abraham, God omitted the part about her husband being old to spare Abraham's hurt feelings – even though he was 99 at the time!

That’s the level of sensitivity you need to have – and the level at which it is permissible to fudge the truth.

In situations like this, if you can give a satisfactory answer without lying, that's certainly better. To the question, “How do I look?” you could respond that you love the color on her without remarking on how much you hate the style.

Peace is also important between friends. Moses' brother Aaron would attempt to restore peace by telling each party to a dispute that the other side really wants to make up, whether they did or not.

Imagine a close friend bought a clothing item, final sale only. She asks your opinion and you think she made a poor choice. Since the purchase can't be returned, you do her no favor by sharing your negative response. You can say: “I love it!” Even better: if you can say something that is honest but limited. “You are one of the few people who can get away with that color.” “What an amazingly low price you paid.” The same goes for haircuts which obviously can’t be returned.

It’s best to look for something positive. The Talmud tells the story of a rabbi walking with his students when they came upon a dead dog. They responded, “Gross! How disgusting!” But their teacher said, “He has nice white teeth.” It's better for your character if you can avoid an outright lie and put a truthful positive spin on it, but if you can't, the higher value is not hurting our friend.

It's also permissible to distort the truth to save someone from shame. Perhaps you know of a family that needs some financial help to send one of their children to school. They would be mortified to be the recipients of charity. You could create a fictional scholarship as a way of giving them money. Saving them from embarrassment trumps the absolute truth. This also applies to humiliating incidents in someone’s past; you can lie to avoid revealing such information.

Talk shows and reality TV have destroyed most people’s sense of privacy. Appropriate boundaries have been done away with. You do not need to answer an invasive question; it's none of their business how much that necklace cost or if you're dating someone.

In keeping with the Jewish sense of privacy and dignity, you can lie (or not reveal the truth) in answering these and similar queries.

The quest for peace, common sense, sensitivity – and a good rabbi – should be our guidelines. Another helpful tool is to ask ourselves “Do I feel comfortable explaining this to my children or even asking them to participate in the deception?” You'll discover that if the goal is to help or protect someone else, there are occasions where a falsehood is permitted and your children will understand. If the goal is to protect yourself, then they won’t understand and they are correct in thinking this is wrong.

Ultimately the goal remains truth. But the very real emotional needs of those you care about cannot be discounted.

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