The Second Half of Our Lives

A lot of my peers are at a crossroads in their lives. Although our children may not be completely launched (are they ever?), they are, at a minimum, out of the house during the bulk of the day. So we are left with some unstructured, unaccounted for time on our hands – a real gift.

Once the initial sense of freedom abates, the serious of question of how to maximize this opportunity remains. While it is possible to dabble here and flirt there, to spend more time with friends and take more exercise classes, the question lingers. And serious, thoughtful people don’t want to avoid it. I think that one of the most powerful messages emphasized in traditional Jewish texts is the preciousness of time and the need to make the most of it.

And yet…none of us have the drive (or the knees and back!) that we had 25 years ago. None of us have the naïve idealism. That’s not to say we don’t have dreams, hopes and visions – but rather that they are tempered by practical realities, by a deeper understanding of human nature, by a more realistic perspective on what actually works – and on what doesn’t. We are more cautious, less willing to throw ourselves blindly into a new project.

Is there a loss? Possibly. But maybe a gain as well.

Each phase of life offers new and different opportunities. It’s just not possible at 50 (or slightly older!) to see the world as it was at 25. It’s not possible – and it’s not desirable. If we don’t bring the same energy and enthusiasm to the table as we did then, hopefully we bring wisdom, experience, maturity along with creaky limbs and Lipitor.

Yet all of this still begs the question…now what?

This question just circles around and around inside our heads. We can spend hours obsessing about it, discussing it with friends, making our spouses crazy (we could actually fill a lot of time that way but it’s not so desirable!). Do we want for-profit or non-profit? Creative and artistic or more intellectual? The debate rages on.

I don’t have the solution. But I do have a possible answer. There is so much need out there. I do not think we should wait to “follow our bliss” or find our passion. We should just do something that needs to be done or something we’d like to do – from holding crack babies to opening a neighborhood coffee shop, from training Israel activists to designing our own line of clothing (the more it hides, the better). We need to just pick something and act.

It may not be perfect, nothing is (isn’t that one of the lessons we’ve learned with experience?). But, as with anything else, when you give, you care. When you invest in a project, when you take ownership of an organization, it becomes important to you.

I confess to a bias for work for the Jewish people. There are so many important institutions. There are so many pressing needs. There are so many ways to make a lasting difference in the lives of others.

But my way isn’t everyone’s way. The key is to just act now. Don’t wait to find something to care about. Give and do and you will care, deeply. And, please God, when we all share our stories after another 50 years (!), when we get together to see what we’ve done with the second half of our lives, we’ll feel a sense of pride and accomplishment.

We are taught that the Almighty leads us in the way we wish to go. We can choose to be limited by the challenges of middle age or empowered by the opportunities. And with His help, the possibilities are still endless.

(8) rachel, February 22, 2012 10:51 PM

Great article

I not-infrequently disagree with this writer, but I really liked this! About the only thing I'd add is that it doesn't hurt to do a little research if you're not sure what's out there and what might be the right fit.

(7) miri Ofri, February 21, 2012 6:26 PM

Just volunteer

Volunteer for anything that helps someone. Young or old sick or healthy. With time you will find what you prefer

(6) Dina, February 21, 2012 4:40 PM

great and needed piece of work. Please some more on the same subject?!

THanks so much. It's so hard being the young old mother, when all my friends still have young kids. I feel so overlooked, when all the articles around me are about children etc. I am at loss. Anyone out there want to form an e-mail support group? dshulem@hotmail.com

Almost Kid Free, May 8, 2012 2:52 AM

Happyyetnervous

I agree my last teen graduates next May, their father was killed 41/2 years ago and Im nervous about which way my life is to go...Praying for an answer.

(5) Anonymous, February 21, 2012 4:14 PM

Very Apropos...

Even though childless (not by choice after getting married), so no grandchildren, and paying off house note with relative debt left to pay....I found it difficult to do the job I had been doing for last several years. Am currently in a holding pattern. Am dreaming more, due to several factors, and it feels so good to be able to get some of my dream life back....hmmmm

(4) Anonymous, February 21, 2012 4:09 PM

Part of Maturing - Letting Go of "Stuck Doing This Forever"

Yep. The dreams and goals we had at 25 don't always last for 25 years! And yes, the answer to now what may indeed be "what's next?" I think asking "what's next" free people from thinking that the next choice they make in career and/or avocation will somehow lock them in, and that it better be the right one or else we will have wasted our life. When guided by an overall sense of helping others, asking "what's next" allows us to have a long, fruitful life of many adventures, connected by a common theme.

(3) Anonymous, February 21, 2012 3:57 PM

Having More Kids- Good for Us, Not Good for Everyone

About the time my youngest at the time was in her mid teens, we decided that we wanted another child, before empty nest syndrome hit. So we tried the natural way, but by that time, biology worked against us. We explored adoption, but were deemed too old for a newborn from Russia, China, etc. Since our older kids were pretty much against the concept, we thought that a good plan was to have a child that was biologically related to them, meaning using my sperm and an egg donor and surrogate who would carry the baby. It took us close to a year to find the right combination of individuals and events to move forward. Since we wanted things to work, we decided to implant two embryos into our surrogate, hoping for one baby, deciding that twins might be nice since they would have each other but not wanting triplets or an octomom situation. Our twins are now 3 years old, and the road to this point was not easy. They were born at 25 years gestation, spent 3 months in NICUs, there were legal issues to overcome, but they are fine now (thank G-d!) with a bit of speech delay for my son and some occupational needs for both my son and daughter. My older kids, now 25 YO son, 23 YO daughter and 20 YO daughter, I think, are finally OK with the situation but may never fully accept what their mom and dad did to their family structure and birth order. The twins are a joy, but this alternate road to happiness in our 50's is certainly not a youth elixir for everyone! One day, we will tell our dear children about their creation, so that should be interesting.

(2) ruth housman, February 20, 2012 7:14 PM

first second third

All aspects of our lives have their developmental challenges, as it seems there are steps we take, that lead us forward or we feel stuck, but each stage of life has its challenges and we all do hit the rocks. Erik Erickson wrote about this a long time ago in a seminal book that was a kind of psychology primer for those of us in "the field". I think it's important to follow one's urges, if not one's bliss. Perhaps it is a matter of semantics. We never know when we're going to be hit by the realization that where we are is exactly where we need to be, but this does happen. I think, being in maybe the third part of life, it's very clear to me that those in the second part should be cognizant of the needs of us who are getting older. Meaning for us, often, has greater depth when it comes to being allowed to love our grandchildren and to have them, visibly, care for us. A hug is a great idea, and teaching children the importance of this, I think, seems to be a little understood value, among many, and I speak from a position of hurt. Empathy is the key in life, wherever you may be. Choose to be supportive, kind, open, questing and curious, and never forget, how it feels to be lonely, to hit the rocks, so when you exit your own slump, you stump for those who are down, for whatever reason. We're here to help each other, to love, to learn compassion and it's not about being stars on the big screen, but in the little things we do, that spell that four letter word, LOVE!

(1) Anonymous, February 19, 2012 10:18 AM

Perfect timing!

This is exactly the article I needed to read right now! Who would have thought, 15 years ago, that too much free time could cause so much anxiety? Hopefully, I'll find my direction (or at least *a* direction) soon...