The Over-Protected Child

You know which parents I mean. The ones who hover over their children, superman capes in hand, ready to leap in and rescue them from any unpleasantness. The ones who follow their children around your (professionally) child-proofed home. The ones who validate every feeling and turn every boo-boo into a serious illness.

These parents are making two crucial mistakes: 1) that they can shelter and protect their children from life's vicissitudes, from its daunting challenges and confusing choices; and 2) that this protection is good for them.

“Kids need to feel badly sometimes,” says child psychologist David Elkind. “Through failure, we learn how to cope.” What will make our children real and unique individuals, what will help them become mature and successful adults, is independence and choice, not our control. The greatest gift that the Almighty gave us -- His children -- is free will. Why, then, do we seek to rob our own children of this opportunity?

If we don't want a life without without falling down and getting up and trying again, why do we believe it would be desirous for our offspring?

If we don't want a life without challenge, without falling down and getting up and trying again, why do we believe it would be desirous for our offspring?

“Parents are going to ludicrous lengths to take the lumps and bumps out of life for their children. However well-intentioned, parental hyperconcern and microscrutiny have the net effect of making kids more fragile,” writes Hara Estroff Marano in Psychology Today (November/December 2004). When my children go to study in Israel for the year, they call home -- frequently. Usually it's just the end of the day check-in. Sometimes it's to complain -- about roommates, teachers, other difficulties. Much as I would like their year to be perfect for them, I can't engineer it. And I can no longer kiss the boo-boos and make them go away. And while there may be particularly egregious situations that call for parental intervention, in general I encourage them to work it out on their own. Because that's how they'll learn, that's how they'll grow, that's how they'll mature. And that's a big part of what being away from home is all about. Maybe we just have to redefine “perfect.”

Years ago, I tried to intervene in an ongoing fight between 5th grade girls. It had deteriorated to a point where my daughter was coming home crying every day. Armed with all my psychological wisdom and tools, I called the mother of the “other” girl.

“I know there are two sides to every story,” I said. “And I'm sure my daughter has played a role in this fight, but perhaps we could work together to make shalom.”

“There are not two sides,” she responded in an offended tone. “Your daughter is wrong and has been hurtful to mine.”

This was, shall we say, an unsuccessful intervention. The wrong issue, the wrong time.

Certainly there are times when parents need to be concerned. But what are they? When a young child believes that in some way a teacher is “picking” on him, it may be appropriate to call the teacher. But I would not begin with the assumption that the teacher is in the wrong. I would begin with an innocuous statement about the child's discomfort, and discuss with the teacher how you can work together.

If it's extreme physical or emotional abuse, of course parents have to step in (I don't think I even have to say that) but otherwise, even for young children, part of their learning process is figuring how to cope and succeed with the less loving or talented of the teachers. (I say this as someone who made the mistake of too much intervention!)

You can apply the same principle to the famous “schoolyard bully.” If there is serious physical or emotional damage, then something needs to be done. If not, perhaps the administration needs to know about the behavior of the bully in order to help that unhappy child (see The Berenstain Bears and The School Bully) but our own children need to be given tools to cope with meanness and cruelty, to deal with name-calling and bullying, and to learn whose opinion to value and whose to dismiss.

Not only is it an illusion to believe we can protect our children, it displays a certain lack of trust in the Almighty. That is perhaps the hardest illusion of all to relinquish -- the one that suggests that we're in control, not Him. But oh the relief… it's not all in our hands. When our third child was born, my husband prayed, (and yes, we should have done it earlier), “We're outnumbered now; we need Your help.”

We need to be responsible but not compulsive, compassionate but not suffocating. We need to give our children the foundation and tools to cope on their own, knowing we are there if they need us.

We shouldn't fight their battles for them. We can't fight their battles for them. We need to help them fashion their best weapons and plot their best strategies. And we need to pray that they will succeed.

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Published: December 4, 2004
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Visitor Comments: 12

(11) Kyle, November 3, 2010 6:03 AM

I'm writing a speech on this topic

This info was very very helpful in my speech making efforts thanks a lot and if you have any other out standing quotes pleas send them to my email .

(10) leanne, October 25, 2010 9:07 AM

i cant help him all the time

not sure how to advise my 8 year old son how to cope with name calling and hitting, he gets very upset and then lashes out at the child who hurting his feelings he then gets into trouble from his teachers so his self esteam is at an all time low ,, i tell him to tell the teachers or dinner lady or to ignnore the cruel kids that do this, he tells me he does try but they wont stop, ive spoken to his teacher and hes says my son has got to tell him every time it happens,but teachers are not always there at the right time. how do i help my son to stand up for himself without him lashing out and getting so upset and angry/

(9) help, June 7, 2010 9:34 PM

My daughter is now 24 an i have over proctected her all her lif

I need to stop but do not know how....can someone suggest how to stop? I love her so much.

(8) Anonymous, August 30, 2009 7:59 PM

How to help the over-protected child & their parents?

My nephew is the only child of old(er) parents. Both parents were past their 40th birthdays when he was born. The child is like a bright light, but I see him being suffocated by parents who try to shield him from every hurt and disappointment inherent in childhood. He is only seven years old, and I see him already showing signs of anxious dependancy. I worry how this will effect him, and his relationships with his peers in two, five, ten years. Making subtle (and not so subtle) comments or suggestions is either met with defensiveness, or oblivious agreement. What can I do???!!!

(7) Anonymous, January 15, 2005 12:00 AM

What if my child is the bully????

My son just turned two years old. It's very difficult not to "hover" over him in order to protect the OTHER children from him. Of course I am working very hard to teach him not to push or hit, but that seems to be his favorite way to get their attention. Teaching him to be kind and gentle and to share is a constant challenge. Any ideas?

(6) Esther, December 19, 2004 12:00 AM

Good advice to follow

I work at a program for older students and it is shocking how often the parents will call in to take care of their "child's" problem. (These are 19 and 20 year old young women.) It is no service to the child and leaves them helpless and unable to handle problems when you are not around. A lot of them will come to the office and expect us to magically take care of issues for them because they were not given the tools to know how to solve their own problems. I appreciate this article but worry that the parents who are most guilty of this behavior will ignore the advice or think it doesn;t apply to them.

(5) Shilah Anderson, December 10, 2004 12:00 AM

balance & advice is needed

I appreciated this article because I am also having to learn to "back off" and let my kids, especially my daughter, earn her own battle scars & medals. She's sensitive & polite, and other kids were rude & exclusive to her. In my well-meant attempts to protect & comfort her, I "rewarded" the wrong response to her pain. Thanks to some expert counseling for us both, we are making huge progress. She stands up for herself now, and I enjoy hearing her stories of how she does so. But my well-meant attempts were inspired by a chldhood full of pain, in which my own parents NEVER intervened or spoke up for me. I was always the new kid, and always different, thus always rejected. By the age of 12 I was making plans to kill myself. I still struggle with negative thoughts; I still believe that if someone is a jerk to me, it's because I deserve it -- not because maybe they are a jerk. I can speak up for anyone except myself, and believe me, it is a painful way to live. I have also heard other parents say "oh, let the kids 'work it out'", and while the idea is sound, there has to be input from parents as to HOW to "work it out". Not every child will figure out that (for example) hitting is an inappropriate response; sometimes the kids need to be told how to deal with the problem person. Let the kids do the dealing, but tell them how...please!

(4) Ross, December 6, 2004 12:00 AM

This Generation Way Overprotects Their Kids

Great and important article, Emuna. For better or for worse, I grew up in the 1970's and my WW II era parents were completely uninvolved in working out my difficulties with other kids, the school yard bully and my successes and failures in school activities such as sports etc. And I am so grateful for that. Let me tell you - you learn a lot as a kid from failure and having to fend for yourself. Mostly, you learn how to endure, how to pick yourself up and try again, and you learn self-confidence. This generation never wants their little princes and princesses to ever experience failure. A great example is sports. When I was in Little League, only the champion and the runner-up teams earned trophies. Today,everyone gets a trophy just for playing. What lesson does that teach kids? It teaches them not to strive for excellence and that anything they do is rewarded, no matter what the quality of the act. This will only produce a nation of self-absorbed, delicate adults who cannot deal with life's challenges and dissapointments. Look around. It's happening already.

Anonymous, November 28, 2011 8:39 PM

The solution here is moderation. Yes, of course it is easier said than done! No I do not believe kids in little league should all get trophies just for showing up and playing. However, there is another dark side to this sports issue. Many children in little league are pushed off of their teams because they are not good enough. Sportsmanship is nonexistent as winning has pretty much taken over. Just remember that the "good old days" had plenty of flaws.

(3) Carol Shacklady, December 5, 2004 12:00 AM

Great advice

We all need to be reminded to let go and not be over protective of our children even when we are just trying to explain God's ways and God's standards. Free will was God's decision and even when our children's free will decisions don't lign up with God's ways, we have to have faith in our Almighty God that the children we have dedicated to Him, He will care for: 'the steps of a good man/ woman are ordered by the the Lord and when he falls, the Lord upholds him with His Hand'. God is a faithful God who will perform His word. As parents we are always being challenged to increase our faith in His faithfulness and trust God implicitly. Great advice in this article.

(2) Ellen, December 5, 2004 12:00 AM

intervening for your child or not

What you say may very well be true, but the parent should have some input into their child's behavior if situations are not correcting themselves. Otherwise you are sending out a signal that either you don't care how they behave or what others do to them. You should be presenting a positive influence on your child. For example, today I took my 8 year old son to meet a potential new friend at the town recreation center skating session. I had set up this meeting in advance with the mother to help my son find friends since he has not been too successful all these years. The mother showed up halfway through the session with her son and her son's best friend. These boys then proceeded to exclude my son telling him to stop following them around the skating rink. His mother did nothing to tell her son that he was being rude and should include my son since we had planned this meeting. She believes in letting them fend for themselves. I believe she broke a committment and disappointed my child.

(1) Anonymous, December 5, 2004 12:00 AM

I totally agree with Mrs. Braverman

We are trying to give our children perfect lives, but our parents and grandparents succeeded after going through more trauma than we will ever know BH".

When we were going through financial difficulties and my husband lost his job, I felt so guilty I wished my child had been given to someone else. Meanwhile it has made him strong and he realises he has to make it on his own and not rely on his parents' cushion. He is different from the many rich kids at his private Jewish school, but fits in well because he is grounded and they recognise that. Life is tough and we have to toughen our kids to deal with it.

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About the Author

Emuna Braverman

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Please check out Emuna’s new book A Diamond for Your Daughter – A Parent’s Guide to Navigating Shidduchim Effectively, available through Judaica Press

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.