The Disappointed Parent

Sometimes we need to look in the mirror to see what's in front of us. We are faced with a challenging situation and we look everywhere but at ourselves.

Lily is eight years old. She has soft blond curls and a beautiful smile. She makes friends easily in school. She can also be messy, disheveled, and has trouble following directions.

Lily's mother, Karen, is exasperated.

"Mornings are impossible!" she says to me. "By the time Lily leaves for school, I am at the end of my rope. We've had too many power struggles, over everything from her outfit to what she's going to eat for breakfast. Her homework is all over the place. I just end up yelling at her and losing it with the rest of my children. As Lily gets on the bus we are both in tears. When she comes home, it starts all over again. I have to tell you the truth, there are days that I just don't like my own daughter...and I feel terrible about it. We are like oil and water. What can I do to change this situation? How can I make this better?"

I know Karen. She is well groomed and immaculate. She loves everything ‘perfect' and in order.

Sometimes the athletic father is given the son who can't hit a ball. And we are disappointed.

But life is not always perfect. Sometimes, the neat mother is given the messy daughter. The athletic father is given the son who can't hit a ball.

And we are disappointed. We struggle with our children and find ourselves in a battlefield. We never realize that we are fighting ourselves; our lost dreams that we've held onto for so long.

"What do you think Lily sees when she sees your face?" I asked Karen. "When she comes down the stairs in the morning, what's the look in your eyes?"

"Here's the truth," Karen replied. "When I was growing up, I was the girl who always got the main part in the play. I was the one who always looked great and brought home straight A's. I met my husband in college and he was the most awesome guy. I always thought that I'd get married, have children and we'd have this perfect family. White picket fence and all, you know the scene.

"But Lily, she just doesn't fit in to the picture. PTA's are upsetting. She always looks a mess. She not coordinated. It's just not what I imagined".

"And maybe she sees that in your eyes," I said. "Maybe she feels your disappointment in who she is. Perhaps the place to start is within. I am not saying that you shouldn't work with her and try to teach her to be orderly and neat. But first, look in the mirror and see your reflection. See what she sees each time you glance at her. You have this expectation of life, even of your mornings, that it will be easy and carefree, just as you've grown used to. Along comes this child who breaks the mold. You are exasperated. Can she not be sensing this?"

Communicating Joy

I recall having one of those tough mornings when my children were toddlers. After tantrums and tears, I decided that it would be best to take the children out of the house. We'd all cool off a little. A change of atmosphere and some fresh air can work wonders for both parent and child.

As I watched my children running and playing outdoors, my then four year old son climbed onto my lap. "Mommy, are you angry?" he asked.

"Of course not, sweetie," I answered. "I'm so happy to be outside with you. And don't you see the smile on my face?"

"So why are your eyebrows angry?"

We are constantly communicating with our children. Look how children read our faces. Even our eyebrows transmit a message. Beyond words, our attitude and expressions reveal our innermost thoughts.

Do we impart joy as we parent or do our children hear a deep sigh as they enter the room?

We need to ask ourselves how we convey our feelings toward our children. Do we impart joy as we parent or do our children hear a deep sigh as they enter the room?

You can serve the tastiest dinner, but if it's slammed down on the table or given resentfully, the food is tasteless.

The look on our face as we sit down to read a book to our toddler, the lackluster ‘yes' we give as we respond to helping with math homework, the way we drive our children to school in the morning, all tell our children how feel as we interact with them.

And as our children grow, we need to honestly examine our attitudes. Do we scrutinize their achievements through our own hopes and dreams or do we accept each child for who he is?

When we make every effort to communicate joy, love, gratitude and acceptance in our homes, our children respond to our open hearts. We can then try to help each child reach his great potential and find the blessing that lies within his soul.

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Published: May 16, 2009

Visitor Comments: 17

(15) Anonymous, December 1, 2012 10:32 PM

advice needed

I need advice for a friend, you know when youre young you do things rashly , years ago she kissed a guy at school and the principal got footage of it and when her mother found out she was disappointed . But after time her mother forgot the whole matter but the problem lies with her father, after the incident her father never really was on speaking terms with her. He is more distant and judgemental and this happened 3 years ago. Our parents are the most important people in our lifes , will she and her father ever have that closeness again?

(14) sy, December 6, 2011 12:22 AM

My disappoint father

hi ,i am 21 year old already but yet my father is still disappoint with me. I petty much a average guy with a average GPA currently serving Nation service for my country.With only $400 allowance per month. So i need to depend on my father to survive. What ever i do or say he petty much hate it.but i don't blame him because the feeling is mutual. I too hated anything he do or say .I hate him being all bossy always telling me what to do, as though he is right but the true is he not. I try telling him nicely for many time already but he don't listen to what i has to say. Question : How to communicate with a father that don't listen to what his children has to say ?

Diane, July 14, 2012 7:50 PM

Most likely your father is disappointed because he doesn't understand that he is carrying a disapointment attitude. It's an attitude and its his, he owns it, you however do not own a disappointment attitude at all and have learned to accept what is and roll with it, a great chararacteristic to have. Appreciate with gratitude that your father is in fact teaching something wonderful about yourself, and pray for his enlightenment that he learns from you that a different attitude makes all the difference.

(13) Elena, August 23, 2010 7:25 AM

My husband is a really great father, but is really hard on our oldest son when he crys.

I printed it, but I know my husband won't read it. Junior, our first son (Junior is 6 and his little brother Israel is 3) had come in the house after playing outside with the neighborhood kids, he had a fat lip and said that he had crashed into one of the girls, I asked him if he had "crashed like this?", making a kissey face. Initially he had smiled and was about to laugh, we all laughed, then he burst into tears. I explained to him that it was just a good natured joke, I know if we were alone he would have laughed too, he said it embarrassed him. As he was drying his tears and regaining his composure, my husband looked at him with disgust and so sincerely said, "What a disappointment you are, Junior." My heart broke. A statement like that is incredibly powerful. The worst thing is that I couldn't even say that he didn't mean it. My husband didn't apologize and felt quite justified, saying that he's felt that way for a long time, and that I, "make him soft, he's afraid to see what he'll grow into." My sensitive son with the nervous stomach proceeded to throw up his dinner and continue to cry. I cleaned him up and asked him kindly to compose himself, we went to my room and I said that I was sorry that his dad said that and explained to him that sometimes kids are different than their parents and that's OK but sometimes the parents don't know how to handle it, and that I wish his dad knew how to handle it better, and he said he knew that. I just want to raise them to be who they are. Junior is funny and bright, he makes friends easy, he attends a very academically challenging language immersion school and does great, he's a talented soccer player and plays in a league with children a 1 to 2 years older than him. He's so earthy and open and warm. It breaks my heart to see his father look at him like that. I know this stems from his abuse as a child, he feels like Junior has no reasons to cry. I feel betrayed by his feelings toward our son. I'm afraid for their future.

Anonymous, February 13, 2012 10:51 AM

Your husband is emotionally abusive to the point that it is causing your son to manifest physical symptoms and if you fail to protect your son from this type of emotional destruction not only will these symptoms deepen and worsen into something much more serious, but you will have enabled this abuse by your own failure to defend/remove your son from this situation. I fail to see evidence of the "my husband is a good father" It seems like nothing more than an apology for his obvious severe unaddressed psychological disorder for which he needs counseling, not an article, so as to justify in your mind your own lack of aggressive action that is demanded in response to this sort of behavior. You, along with your husband, are setting your son up for severe depression, possible suicidal tendencies, chemical dependence/substance abuse, relationship abuse either as the victim or the abuser, and multiple other physical manifestations of anxiety. Your son is already exhibiting anxiety induced emotional disorders. When you made the joke, you gave his dad a window to be disappointed, which your son anticipated, feared and was proven correct in anticipating. Your son is obviously a high achiever, making your husband's disapproval of him that much more stark, unjustified and telling of his own mental illness. You see this and you must find the courage to face the consequences of what you know to be a detrimental situation for your son (i.e. what it would take to address/remove your son from this environment is too expensive, complicated, insert circumstances here). Perhaps your love and understanding of your husband has tinted your perception of this abuse and therefore you are not able to see it objectively and as outrageously unacceptable as it appears to outsiders, but you must realize that your son is internalizing this emotional abuse. You already know this is terrible for your son, surely you see where this path will lead him.

(12) Anonymous, June 2, 2009 1:08 AM

Thank You!

This is just what I needed to read now. Thank you!

(11) ray, May 23, 2009 2:26 PM

anger is the scariest message

I remember as a child, one of my teachers was always smiling and nice. Then one day i had to stay after school with her for something. She put down her front and i saw a look of anger on her face. It had nothing to do with me, but from then on, i could never feel comfortable around her. parents - work on always talking with a non angry tone of voice. this is a big job which requires a lot of daily self monitoring. good luck!

(10) Miriam, May 21, 2009 8:08 PM

Beautiful!

B"H A very thoughful article. Sometimes we don't need to talk to tell another person how do we feel. Shabbat Shalom

(9) Wayne, May 19, 2009 8:17 PM

whose house is it?

One day when our daughter was young, my wife complained to me that our daughter was messing up her (my wife's) house. Referring to our daughter, I said gently, "It's her house too." Our children didn't ask to be born, and they aren't accidents. They are blessings, sent by HaShem, and the normal, predictable result of the sexual activities we choose to engage in. All too soon our children are gone from the nest, and there are plenty of years for a clean house, and if it's not spotless today, you can try again tomorrow. Our "blessings" have only one childhood, and whether we make it a happy one or a miserable one, we don't get a re-do. Look very closely at your children. THESE are the good old days, and if you don't enjoy them now, you never will.

(8) Anonymous, May 19, 2009 3:39 PM

chana veffer- old movies- I AGREE &never too late

not only was I shocked but now, even though I am much older- I ACTUALLY CHANGED my response- instead of being defensive- i am much calmer- Sorry i didn't look at the movies right away- but it is never too late

(7) Chaya Leah, May 19, 2009 1:58 PM

Children are smarter than we think

Our Kids sense even the slightest of feelings- you are so right. How many times do my little ones climb into my lap and analyze the look in my face and ask me timidly " mommy are you still upset?" I find that bedtime is a challenge for me because I put my four little ones to sleep all the same time (give or take a few minutes) and everyone vies for my complete attention and then I get frusterated because it just goes on and on.. "one more kiss" "You sat on his bed for longer" "why didn't you talk to me too just like you did to Gitty?" and then i go out of the room and ask myself " gosh what was I rushing out there so fast big deal so indulge her with three more kisses , tell them another story, linger a bit longer in their room- the dishes and phone calls can wait..." so i'm working on it- invest love an time it's such a beautiful opportunity...

(6) Stroke survivor, May 18, 2009 4:56 PM

It goes both ways...

...I have teenaged children and I have survived a life-threatening stroke. It was very hard at the beginning to see them looking at me as if I were a failure or an invalid. Baruch Hashem, I have recovered amazingly although I still have some disabilities. Young parents should try to remember that someday, they may not live up to their children's expectations (due to illness, divorce, loss of job, or whatever) and that then they will need all the patience & kindness their children can give them.

(5) Jacoma Corporale, May 18, 2009 2:46 PM

Can One Imagine Having An Unplanned Child?

The setting for this story is of a mother who planned to have her children, at least this is what I assume. Could you imagine what the scenario is for unplanned children? Most of the time I observe frustrated mothers who bring their children with them on the bus or train early in the morning, & don't talk nor look at them them throughout the ride, if the children dare to ask a question, the mothers bark at them. Parenting is very difficult, but these children did not ask to be born. In the case of this mother, instead of staring "daggers" at her daughter, she could help her daughter organize things the night before, i.e. her homework, what clothes she plans to wear, help her choose & pack her lunch to avoid morning rush situations.

(4) Esther, May 18, 2009 10:40 AM

As Mom, you can set the tone in your home!

I've often noticed - when I get angry, my kids get all riled up and act even worse. But if I paste a (fake) smile on my face and act all happy, my kids - magically - settle down. When mornings or bedtimes threaten to get frantic, I try to pretend that I'm a happy, jolly mommy (instead of an annoyed, tense one). My kids don't know it's an act, and they usually respond by becomming in better moods - almost instantly! And then, of course, I can relax and be truly happy instead of just play-acting that I'm all smiley and jokey with them. Try it next time your kids start to get out of control - it works like a charm!

(3) Chana Veffer, May 18, 2009 6:58 AM

Watching old videos of ourselves with our children was a real eye opener.

If parents could actually see their own faces and hear their own voices when they interact with their kids, this important lesson may not take so long to learn. We were watching old videos of us with our kids (who are all grown and half of whom are married now) and we saw ourselves they way they did. Our faces, our voices our body language, all indicated clearly our feelings about each child. Even on our best, 'I'm being filmed', behavior, it was clear which kids were a challenge and which were a breeze. We also got perspective on their personalities because we could merely observe them without having to respond. At the very least try to view your kids through the 'one way observation glass' of video to gain some valuable perspective!

(2) Shira Nahari, May 18, 2009 4:18 AM

Expectations create Disappointment

Having expectations set us up for failure and disappointment. Acceptance of "what is' creates a matrix for love to flow.

(1) NM Rosen, May 17, 2009 7:49 AM

avoiding disappointment

This article makes us think about why we shouldn't be disappointed in our children, even if they give up on something, because they can always find a new hobby or calling. Hopefully there can be better ways of handling challenging situations with our children without raising our voices screaming at them which can cause serious psychological damage. Parents are indeed a child's first line of defense and role-modeling.

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About the Author

Slovie Jungreis-Wolff

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Slovie Jungreis-Wolff is a freelance writer, and a relationships and parenting instructor. She is the daughter of Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, founder of Hineni International. Slovie has taught Hineni Young Couples and Parenting classes for more than 15 years. Her book, Raising A Child With Soul, is published by St. Martin's Press.

To join he exclusive free parenting workshop on the three-step formula for child-raising, click here: http://www.jewish-e-books.com/parenting.html