Bringing Children to a Funeral

I was not allowed to go to relatives funerals when I was a child. I attended my first one less than a month before my 20 birthday. It was more frightening at that age, then if I had gone as a child. Funerals were never places children or teens went to when I was that age.

Death is a part of life. This lesson has to be learned, no matter the age. Hiding this from children is not healthy for them.

I agree with your decision to take your daughter since she had a bond with her zaidie. She asked to go to the funeral so she is showing some decision making on her part regarding her own feelings, a good sign of maturity. I think it is very important to not disregard the feelings of children even if you have to be creative in finding ways of making them feel included. Even younger children can participate in the grieving process just to a lesser extent (if they need closure), like a mini-memorial at home in a controlled environment. It is our job as parents to help our children understand the world, how to process feelings, how to behave (especially when we want to behave a different way) and most importantly, how to make decisions. A phrase like "children don't belong at funerals" is more for the benefit of the adults(to not have to deal with kids who probably also haven't been taught how to behave) and completely disregards the childrens feelings. It also passes an opportunity to help them learn; who wants to learn how to deal with such overwhelming emotions as an adult!? Yes it is difficult to deal with our own feelings and help our children but sometimes our jobs are very challenging. It sounds like you are doing a good job.

It was very correct, taking daughter to funeral. It is our 'fear/s' passed on to young ones, the age has nothing to do in 'knowing the fact/truth of life...the end result is death of this physical body',

I was 4 years old when my Dad's father fell ill and was hospitalised. I was not allowed to go to his ward but he waved to me and my brother (who was 3) from the ward balconey every time we visited. That was the last memory we had of him alive. He a died a few hours after surgery. Both my brother and I attended our grandad's wake and funeral. There our relatives answered our questions about death and the afterlife. No one told our parents that we should not be there as far as I can remember. A few days later, we went to Grandfather's apartment and saw his favourite deckchair standing vacant in the hall. I remembered missing him but knew that we will meet again someday.

We took our (autistic) children to their grandfather's funeral in the UK when they were 7 and 5, admittedly their disability probably made them less aware of what was really going on, but it was important for me for them to be at my dad's funeral as they had only seen him about twice a year and I wanted them to be able to say goodbye and have a sense of closure. When I was a child I was never taken to any funeral and I am sorry about it now.

You did the right thing by bringing your daughter to her grandfather's funeral. Ten is not a baby. Two years ago, I lost both of my parents, 6 months apart. My brother brought his 7 year old daughter, who was not close to either grandparent. But as my brother spoke and broke down and cried, my niece cried as well, for the pain her father was feeling. I was proud that she was able to feel so deeply for her father. My younger brother was a basket case. He probably should have stayed away and he is a man in his 50's! My older brothers and I always attended funerals. There was no baby sitters, ever. The first funeral I can remember I was about 4. I understood I was never going to see that person again, felt sad but not harmed by the finality. I believe the sister-in-law in the above article was projecting her anxieties and insecurities. My sons were 9 and 13 when they attended the funeral of the father of the 9 year old's closest friend. They knew the man quite well. It was good for them to grieve with their friend and now, 20 years later, all of boys say they are comforted to know they were there for each other at the time they needed the friendship most. My friend's husband committed suicide. Our families were very close. I regret that there was a closed coffin because it made my closure harder. For a long while, I thought I saw my friend in crowds. Another widow insisted that my friend view her husband one last time, assuring her that it would bring her closure. My friend was sorry she viewed her deceased husband. She wishes she didn't. Each handles grief differently. I needed to see my parents one last time, although I was with my father when he died. My siblings, children and nieces and nephew are glad they got to view their my parents one more time. Our viewing was private, just for us.

I was 11 when my grandmother died, I was in sleep away camp, and on a day trip, that got back very late, supposedly an uncle was going to take me to the funeral but couldnt wait for me, so I missed the funeral. I also was never told that she died, and had to figure it out because when I got home from camp my mother was acting strange, and I overheard conversations,etc. I was so mad that nobody told me, so as painful as it is, DONT HIDE IT FROM YOUR KIDS, they'll absorb it on whatvever level they're at and either want to be there or not.

a few months ago, i lost ,husband. Our rabbi, told me not to bring my 7 year old twin girls to the levaya and let them have happy memories of their father. I did insist my 9 year old attend. But in the case of grandparent, it depends on the childs age and maturity level. I was 7 when my maternal grandfather passed away and not allowed to attend. I was 15 when my paternal grandmother passed and also did not attend. I don't think i ever felt that i had wished that i attended either of their funerals. When I was 21 when my maternal grandmother passed and by that age had to go the funeral. It really depends on the circumstances, if there is a probablity that there will be overly excessive mourning at the funeral, then young children have no place to be there. Yes they have to have finality and closure in life, but that is what the shiva is for. Let them have happy memories of their grandparents. Relating stories of them and doing acts of mitzvot in their name will ensure their memories are kept alive.

As a child I was not asked to attend my grandfather's funeral and my wel meaning parents sent me to a neighbor, who took me to a baseball game. Not a good memory. I don't think under normal circumstances it is wise to deny the child the oppt'y to attend a loved one's funeral. Once a child is taught that life on earth is limited, and that we're not in control as to when it will end, it seems to me that he/she will be well able to handle funerals as well as adults, maybe better.

When my wife's father passed away about 18 months ago, we took our then five year old son. He did fine - we wanted to give him a chance to say goodbye. Particularly if your child asks to attend, I think that's perfectly fine. Your relatives who gave you flack were way out-of-line. Its your decision not theirs.

My parents did not take me to the funeral.... I missed saying goodbye.... (When my great-aunt died years later and because she was reformed and they had a open casket which I never seen in a Jewish funeral again, I was quite freaked out)

Bringing children to funerals...I personally think its fine if your child to attend being that death is all apart of our lives. They know friends and family will pass and if they dont seem to be troubled with it then by all means then teach them. My son was 2 yrs old when he attended his first funeral. My husband (his father) is a policeman and it was a fellow officer that was KIA. Without every having childcare readily avail. We don't ever have any choice but to take him. He handled it like a grown man fortunately (amazingly) I couldn't believe it! Afterward, all the officers shook his hand and he thought it was pretty neat as well as sad. He has also attended friends funerals as well, He's familar with God and the lifecycle so to speak. He knows you don't go to heaven if you live on earth forever. Best of Luck!!

As a psychotherapist I fully agree with Dr Wikler there is no hard and fast rule. One must consider all factors before deciding. Some children are more traumatised by not saying goodbye, Everyone need closure, kids included

All of my children over the age of five attended funerals of their grandparents. They loved their grandparents (or great grandparents) and it was important for them to know that they were gone, dead, and buried. Reality, closure and honesty is important for chidlren. All of my children now adults, have grown up to be fine young adults, all of whom are frum, all of whom understand the life cycle.

When I was 9 my great-uncle, Z'L, with whom I was very close, passed away. My mother took me out of school for his funeral, and others criticized her for it, as this woman's sister-in-law did. I, however, have always been grateful to my mother for respecting my relationship with my great-uncle, whom I loved dearly, and it helped me when all too soon I lost grandparents and others close to me. We just observed the 5th yahrzeit for my father, Z'L. When he died, my children were 7 and 10, and my brother's were 5 and 7. They all attended the funeral, all participated in filling in his grave, and to this day, feel honored to have done all this. They may not remember exactly what was said, but they knew he had been loved and admired by so many that there was standing room only in the chapel. I think it's very important to involve children in lifecycle events of every type, and agree completely with the advice given here that simply describing what they should expect can tell you whether it's appropriate to bring them or not. I commend the mother in this case for really listening to her daughter and honoring her daughter's connection with her zaide.

My daughter had an extremely close relationship with my ex-mother-in-law's "boyfriend" of 20 years. He was there from the beginning, and he was her Grandpa. He became seriously ill and was hospitalized, and she didn't tell my daughter. Then he passed away. His daughters, with whom he had no relationship, whisked him away and had this Jewish man cremated. Only after the fact did the ex-MIL tell my daughter that he died. My daughter, who was about 12, was devastated, and felt that she should have been able to visit him in the hospital and also to have a funeral to go to, as well as a gravesite. As an adoptee who has grappled with lifelong abandonment issues, she felt that this was one more layer to add to her mantra, that "everyone I love leaves me." Children older than kindergarten age are sentient human beings, with emotions and feelings. They often need the same kind of closure as adults. As a parent, one should be able to determine if that description applies when faced with the question of allowing their child to attend the funeral of a beloved relative or friend.

I think Dr. Wikler's comments and assessment were right on target. Forcing a child to attend a funeral is wrong while honoring a child's wishes, particularly with appropriate preparation and afterward attention is great. Death and funerals are a part of life and, if handled sensitively and honestly, pave the way to understanding and maturity. Attending the funeral of a loved one is certainly a way of honoring and respecting the person and the relationship. The only place I differ with Dr. Wikler is in what might have been said to the sister-in-law. There is no way of predicting what she would or would not agree with. My guess, however, is that someone who could be as insensitive as she was in her comments, would not have agreed. To my way of thinking, it would have sufficed to say, "yes, people come to different decisions and I am not surprised to learn yours would be different from ours". While this might seem a bit "snippy" the purpose would be not to explain or apologize, but also to prevent further such comments (criticisms) from her in the future.

Your comments are always excellent. Depending on my mood, I might not have been so polite or caring as to how she perceived my reply. I would have simply asked who made her the arbiter of such a decision?

Death is as much a part of life as is life its self. We do far greater harm to our children by shielding them from the truths of life than if we are honest and up front with them.

Speaking as someone who was denied the ability to attend my grandmother's funeral (she was raising me at the time) at the age of 5 and my aunt's (her sister), funeral at the age of 14, I think you made the right decision. I never forgave my mother for having lied to me about my aunt Sarah z"l and only telling me 6 months later that she had passed away. This was the reason I brought my own children to their great uncle's Sauls's z"l funeral when they were only 4 and 7 years old. They saw him on a daily basis and were very close to him. I didn't want them to resent me like I resented my mother all these years. I agree that age doesn't matter, it's maturity that counts. I felt that they would need closure and they received it. They even threw a little dirt onto his casket. I prepared them in advance and they asked a lot of questions. It was a positive experience for both of them and I am extremely glad that I brought them. Had they not had such a close relationship with him, I would have explained everything, but I would not have taken them.

The child's emotional maturity is a deciding factor. The child's relationship with the deceased is another factor. When I was 11, my mother died. When I was 15, my Uncle (father's brother) died. My step-mother and Father did not think I would be able to handle it. I have resented that decision on their part, and have not forgiven them, especially my father. My Uncle and I were close. Attending a funeral brings closure, and allows us mourners to say goodbye. The things that prevent us from bringing a child or children to a funeral are problems that will come up anyway, and are problems that often linger when children are not allowed at funerals. It is a common mistake to bar children from funerals because it may be traumatic. However, it makes it real to them. Explaining to a child why grandpa is not coming back when they haven't been to the funeral is more difficult and worse.

I beleve you acted correctly, whether to bring a child is a complex issue, and there is no such thing as being right or wrong. If the child was very close to the deceased they should be allowed to attend the funeral. I feel that the sister-in-law was wrong to criticize a person for bringing a child to the funeral, I also feel that it is a private matter. Another way of looking at it, would the deceased want the child in school. The most important thing at a funeral is to show respect for people, whether or not you agree with their decision.

My grandmother, who had lived with us and had always been my advocate, was handing a blanket on the clothes line from my bedroom window when i was about 9 years old. When she passed away, my cousin who was about the same age, and I, were told we had to stay at home. If i tell you that for at least a year or more after that whenever i saw a lady of about my grandmothers stature on the street, I would run over to see if it was my grandmother. I made up all sort of stories in my mind that perhaps she was still alive but not well enough for company and she would eventually come back, etc. I heard from friends how the hears had driven by all of the Shuls in town and the doors had been open to each of them as she passed by. Perhaps my mother assumed it was the right thing to do. I am now 65 and in my heart have not gotten over the loss.

My parents did not let me attend my Baba's funeral when I was 13. I was very close to her. Not attending, I felt like I did not have closure. I let my children attend my mother's funeral. I prepared them what the service and burial would be like and let them ask as many questions as needed. I feel that it is very important to treat children with the same respect we do as adults when it comes to grieving. They may not be able to express in as many words, but their grief is as profound as any adults.

I lost my beautiful daughter with breast cancer 5yr.ago.Her son and daughter were very young, the boy the eldest was 3 and a half, and they were not let go to the funeral. I think they needed more closure, but the father wanted to go on with his life so qiuckly, their mother was a tabbo subject. I think this has effected my grandson, he is holding everything in, and I really worry about his well being.

Until this day I wish I was allowed to attend my Bubbie's funeral. She was the one who greeted me daily when I returned from school or day camp since my mother was at work. I do not hold it against the adults in my life (parents, aunts, uncles and Zaidie) since in my generation adults did not even contemplate allowing children to attend.

My eldest kid was only three when my uncle died. Of course I had people telling me that funerals are sad affairs. I took him along anyway. But if we believe that death is but a new beginning, it is obvious to see how a child may understand this, no matter what his age. Is this not better than refusing him the opportunity to pay his respects, or even lying to him?

When my son was in kindergarten or 1st grade, I took him to a [frum] neighbor's funeral. He did not know the man but because the gentleman was elderly, I thought it would be a good way to introduce the concept to my son. Soon enough, he would have to deal with it. I explained what he would see (casket), people's reactions (eg. crying, sadness), etc. A year or 2 later, a close cousin past away and I pulled him out of school to attend her funeral and lavaya. He did just fine. (There was even 1 amusing moment on his part.) When he was 14, his zayde died. He cried at the funeral and he knew that was ok. And it was. Death is part of life (though it's much too soon for some). I'm a firm believer in being honest with children, answering questions appropriately, especially about life cycles. Sooner or later, we must all deal with it and being prepared is key to healthy adjustment.

Thank you for these great guidelines. I just want to share this with the readers. My uncle who was childless loved my children and when he was in the hospital shortly before his death i grappled with the question, should i take them to see him or not? (they were 9 and 10 years old at the time). I decided to take them to see him. He was somewhat sedated but responded to the children when they spoke to him with a smile. Years later (when they were in their high teens) I asked them if I did the right thing or not? They both responded that they always remember him as the vibrant, loving man he was not as the person tied up to all the monitors in the hospital.

When our parents died in their 80s, some of my children brought their children to the funeral, and others did not. I feel that as long as a child can sit without disruption, it is appropriate to bring them, because it brings closure to what is a confusing time to a child. I think we need to raise our children with the concept that death is not a scary thing, but rather a part and process of Life. We should talk about death to our children in a matter-of-fact way in normal times instead of waiting until tragedy strikes. I was the only person in my family who had the "courage" to be with my mother when she passed away. It was not the scary or distasteful experience people imagine. It was in it's own way profound and moving and helped comfort me during the grieving process. How sad to think that the fear of death may mean that when my own time comes, I would perhaps have to die unattended because of my children's fears and denial. While a deathbed may be too "heavy" for a young child to witness, funeral attendance should be permitted and encouraged in most cases. Tangible goodbyes are so important.