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Five Crucial Things Children Need from their Father

Five Crucial Things Children Need from their Father

Nothing can replace a father’s love.

by

It was 9 pm, and I was supposed to be asleep in bed. It had been a rough day in first grade. Someone had teased me about my new shoes, and my team had lost the kickball game at recess. I peered around the dining room doorway and saw my father sitting by the table with his late dinner. He had just arrived home from work, and he looked tired. The Wall Street Journal was open in front of him.

I tiptoed into the room and slid into a chair. I waited for him to tell me to go back to sleep. Instead he closed his newspaper and smiled.

"Hey kiddo. You look like you had almost as rough a day as I had," he said as he offered me some buttered bread. I didn't realize how hungry I was; I hadn't eaten much at dinner. I poured out my woes as my father listened. He didn't say anything; he just listened.

Then he pointed to a Scholastic books catalog on the table. "Mommy told me what a great reader you are becoming. Do you want to pick out some books and I'll order them for you?"

Unburdened from my day, I sat with my father and chose books from the brightly colored pages. It wasn't until years later that I realized how tired my father must have been that night and how badly he must have wanted to just be left alone to read his newspaper in peace. Instead he put being a father as his highest priority and thought about what I needed.

Here are five crucial things children need from their father.

  1. A role model. Children look up to their fathers and yearn to be like them from their earliest years. Sons will watch how they work and speak and play sports. Daughters will often choose spouses who reflect their father's values. Every conversation and interaction that your child witnesses may become part of what they try to imitate. A father’s connection and feeling towards Judaism create a foundation for his children’s spiritual lives. Make sure your life embodies the traits and ideals that you want your children to reflect.

  2. A listening ear. Children need their fathers to listen to them. When you stop what you are doing to give your child attention, he knows that you not only love him but are interested in his life. Fathers who can listen without immediately jumping in to problem solve create crucial space for their children's feelings. They teach their kids that it's okay to feel angry or sad or defeated, and that they won't be judged for their failures. The Torah tells us “Do not harden your heart or close your hand.” (Deut. 15:7) Being open to others emotionally and listening to them is harder and often more important than giving anything else because it requires us to give of our own hearts.

  3. A coach. Sometimes you need someone in your life to tell you when your shot is off. Or you're not trying hard enough in school. Or you're driving the wrong way down a one way street. Fathers can be amazing coaches. They can tell their kids the truth when they need to hear it and encourage them to keep reaching for their goals. There is no limit for a child whose father coaches him and believes in him every step of the way.

  4. A comforter. The most comforting words a child can hear are: "It's going to be okay." Those words spoken from a father mean everything because Dad knows how to fix your bike. How to catch the huge spider in the kitchen. How to build a campfire and how to put it out. He knows when things are going to be okay and when they aren't. Fathers can give their children hope and courage and strength. Sometimes it only takes those five words: it's going to be okay.

  5. A source of wisdom. Fathers can see what makes their children shine and what brings them down. They can help them choose the right friends, the right classes, the right spouses. But the best fathers are able to do this selflessly. To put aside their own interests and help their kids choose what will make them happiest, even if it conflicts with their own goals. This is a delicate tightrope that fathers must walk, but children yearn for their father's approval and helping a child choose what is best for him is a precious blessing that a father can give. Getting to that objective place as a father is hard, but teaching a child Torah can help pave the way by bringing eternal wisdom and ideas into the picture. Learning together creates a strong, deep bond between fathers and children as they share and explore questions and answers about life itself.

Dad, you’ve always been there for me when I needed you. Thank you for being such a wonderful father and for always believing in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself. I love you. Happy Father’s Day.
 

 

Published: June 7, 2014


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Visitor Comments: 16

(12) Gino, November 3, 2014 5:49 PM

Importance of fatherhood.

i have 4 daughters, 20 years old, 15, 13 and 7. i have learned through trial and error that a girl needs her father to hear her out, be sensitive to her needs & have a good relationship with her on a consistant level. When this is missing, she finds that somewhere else. This is why girls end up pregnant in high school, outside of marriage, etc (most of the time). Girls need their father to be dependable and provide safety as well as financial security for the home. a girl senses that her dad is someone she can look up to and provide guidance during lifes difficult times. men are not as emotional as women, in which bring security to the family when times get tough, (able to do right and stay focused regardless of feelings.) mothers provide the emotion that comfort and both together are the perfect balance. Fathers are more of the authorive figure, mothers are the helper and blesser of the family. there is no one better than the other, but in scripture HaShem designed men to lead the family and be the provider, protector & securer of the family. Thats not to say mothers make no difference! They provide the other qualities that Fathers often lack; emotion/sensitivity etc. Leading a family based on Torah, HaShems way, always leaves a family blessed for generations! Men need to learn self control and express love to their kids, they will sense that and respect you, but will also sense when you are being disrespectful to them out of anger and will follow that example. the key is prayer every day for them, Hashem show me what i need to do. also reading books and articles about parenting, fill your mind and heart with "how-tos" keeps you thinking how to improve. we men cannot afford to drop the ball here, there is too much involved in the next Jewish generation to procrastinate in this area. Shalom.

(11) S, L, Cahn, June 20, 2014 8:59 PM

Fathers...

My Dad's Hebrew name was Mosheh, but it could
have been Baruch, because that is what he was:
a blessing.

(10) Beryl, June 14, 2014 4:13 PM

Both Parents Are Crucial, Not Just Fathers

In order to keep girls and boys from being confused and in order to stop the exalting and worshipping of fathers, let us speak the truth, with the fact that children need both their mother and the father.
It is a fact that male supporters are angry about such things: as men having to pay child and children often recognizing and clinging to their mothers more than their fathers.
But a mean spirited, out of control movement to promote fathers above mothers, is not the correct way to go. This new trend uses articles, meetings, video, conventions, etc, to convince us that children need everything from their fathers. It is easy to see how outlandish this man made doctrine is. Some women may fall for it and join the movement, but most women recognize the doctrine for what it is. No father gives his child everything, from confidence, high self esteem, ambition, drive, or any of those traits, without the child's mother's valuable contributions.. The child receives moding from BOTH parents, and I almost would admit, that since mothers are the ones at the helm, that mothers give more. but I won't push this idea, for the sake of showing fairnessand it is also, not a contest. The ugliness, the anger, the arrogance of men to win position over a child's mother, is a destructive force and will prove to do more harm than good.
I look forward to the day when men will drop their need to dominate women, specifically mothers.

(9) Anonymous, June 12, 2014 7:20 AM

Other role models

I have a wonderful step father , who has been an excellent role model and sadly I only came to appreciate him later in life. My father on the other hand has been an enormous source of destruction and immeasurable pain- I would have been better off without him. Ideally we am want healthy, functional relationships with our Fathers but the article fails to address a reality, many children are living with equally valuable father figures, grabdfathers, uncles , step fathers etc

(8) Andy, June 11, 2014 7:39 PM

A Daughter's Perspective

Thank you so much for sharing this wisdom, especially from the perspective of daughter. This will help a lot B"H!

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