Marriage or Kids: Who Comes First?

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How our obsessive focus on parenting is harming our marriage.

“This article is making the rounds” said one friend. “Everyone’s talking about it,” chimed in another. “Please forward it to me!” pleaded a third. What was this exciting, revolutionary piece that had everyone talking? I couldn’t wait to find out.

It turns out not to be so new after all; just something that has gotten lost – and is being rediscovered. The article was entitled “How American parenting is killing the American marriage” by Danielle Teller. Her point is summed up in her last paragraph, “In the 21st century, most Americans marry for love. We choose partners who we hope will be our soulmates for life. When children come along, we believe that we can press pause on the soulmate narrative, because parenthood has become our new priority and religion.”

She concludes by elaborating on the price this has exacted from today’s marriages. Ms. Teller is absolutely right. And in today’s world, courageous. But alas, not original. The Talmud states, “A man doesn’t die except to his wife.” This is our primary relationship. To quote the author again, “We raise our children as best we can, and we know that we have succeeded if they leave us, going out into the world to find partners and have children of their own.” The leave us and, left behind, what do we have if they were the center of our universe, our sole raison d’être?

Is it any wonder there are many more divorces in long-term marriages today or that the empty nest syndrome has reached new heights (or depths)?

Teaching our children that they always come first only deepens their egocentricity.

Putting (or displacing) all of our focus, energy and emotion onto our offspring is not only detrimental to our marriage (every married couple should have a regular date night where the rule is “No talking about the children”!), it is not even good for those we are ostensibly trying to help – our children themselves. In an age already rife with self-centeredness and a sense of entitlement, teaching our children that they always come first only deepens their egocentricity. When we, as mothers, complain about how spoiled our children are, how rude or selfish, we know that we have ourselves to blame. Not only have we done our children no favors by our obsessive and single-minded focus, we have actually harmed them.

And this damage isn’t limited to the above-mentioned serious character flaws.

By robbing them of a stable and secure family life (since all marriages wither under constant inattention), we leave them with a very wobbly foundation from which to thrive. Our children grow and mature not due to excessive attention but in an atmosphere of strength and love and security.

In addition, we leave them without a model of how to make their own marriage work, how to give to another adult and be attentive to his or her needs.

Focusing all our time, energy and love on our children is actually the easy way out (despite all the acknowledged challenges of child-raising). They need us. They are dependent on us. We are the magnanimous superiors.

With our spouses, it’s different. It’s much more difficult to give to our equal. We have to dig much deeper and work much harder. But it can be more rewarding.

American parenting isn’t just killing the American marriage and it isn’t just harming our children. It’s hurting our own growth as well. It’s impeding our own abilities to achieve our individual potential.

The good news is that it’s rarely too late. We can pull back from children (one of my teachers was fond of advocating the “benign neglect” theory of parenting) and focus on our spouse. And don’t let those other parents at the playground tell you any different!

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