Ten-year-old Becca could play “Annie” with her bright red hair and freckles. But Becca’s too busy running the household. Whether it’s bedtime or a visit to bubbe, Becca makes the rules. “I’m not going and you can’t make me!” Her parents, afraid to upset her, fail to see this for what it is ... manipulation by “drama.”
“If you make me go to school today, I’ll throw up!” says David, eight. His “nervous stomach” is perfectly tuned to his “don’t want-to-do” list. His parents let him “time off” watching Spongebob and learning to pronounce “gastroenteritis.” They fail to see this for what it is ... manipulation by “blackmail.”
“If you don’t talk to Abby, I’ll let you have my very best glitter. BUT if you do, I’ll TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU .........” threatens Debby, 11. Abby was exiled, and her “friends” came to Debby’s pajama party – in glitter. Mom thinks she’s “popular,” failing to see this for what it is ... manipulation by “bribery.”
The goal of manipulation is more often the attempt to gain control over anxiety through avoidance.
Most of us think of manipulation as a method of getting something that’s denied us, whether it’s that vacation we want, or, the “upper-hand.” Yet, the goal of manipulation is more often the attempt to gain control over anxiety through avoidance, especially in new or stressful situations. Even as ethical adults, who among us hasn’t cancelled that root canal due to “flu” or begged off an unpleasant hospital visit?
With young children, every experience holds new anxiety-triggers. I’ve yet to meet a child who hasn’t tried some of the tricks above to avoid fear of failure, loss of face, or challenges – at least once or twice.
But, when I use the term “manipulative child,” I’m referring to those who routinely use devious devices. Tragically, while they may “win” through lying, whining, guilting, bullying or bribing in the short run, they’ll inevitably face failure, frustration, a lack of esteem, confidence – and ethics in the long run.
After all, they’ve learned early that these avoidance tricks worked. As they head toward adulthood and find that life doesn’t always suit them, these “skills” get shakier. Unable to exercise honest, ethical, straightforward strategies to manage anxiety, they flail powerless, and fail time and time again, sometimes dropping out, or turning to other risky behaviors,
bothered, bewildered, blaming – and remaining dependent “kids” until they’re on Medicare. Listen ...
“My son’s 42 and he still lives with me, rent-free, while I do his laundry and cook his meals.”
“My daughter, 32, can’t keep a husband or a job, and keeps demanding money. When I tell her I’m living on Social Security, she whines, begs, or argues!”
“We’re sick of bailing our 25-year-old out! While other parents are worried about being ‘empty-nesters,’ we’re praying to join them!”
As these “kids” continued on the path of subverting long term goals through opportunistic, deceptive behavior, they remained stunted; locked in infantile patterns that destroyed esteem and ethics, making true friendship and commitment to anything or anyone almost impossible.
Red Flags in Our Children
We know we’re dealing with a manipulative child when he or she routinely:
- argues or whine incessantly over everything from rules to responsibilities.
- distorts or edits reality. Most popular is the circular “why” tactic. They’ll come up with endless reasons why they can’t/shouldn’t/needn’t do it, and why “it’s stupid, unfair, or “unnecessary.”
- wears us down like rabid trial lawyers until we give in.
- deceives us through promising, lying, making excuses, procrastinating or “negotiating” (like rabid trial lawyers).
Parents as Manipulative Partners
For these tricks to work, the child must have a willing partner – us! In a home where a child’s manipulation rules, we’ve abdicated our parental role to that of “appeasers” and “fixers.” Despite rationalizations, giving in is “easier” in the short-term, even if we’re setting up disaster. The recipe for the care and feeding of little manipulators include parents who:
1. Try to appease their children and avoid any unpleasantness. When we fail to teach them how to manage reality or “change the rules” to accommodate them, we create wormholes for them to creep through.
2. Confuse boundaries between parent and child. When no one’s in charge, our little ones “step up.”
3. Foster dependence. When children expect others to “make them feel good,” or solve their problems, failures becomes everyone else’s fault.
4. Use manipulative discipline. False promises and bribing teach children how to play the game.
5. Place material things over deeper, ethical core values.
Breaking the Manipulation Cycle
It starts by not letting it start or continue.
1. We parents need to recognize our own “partnership.” It’s uncomfortable admitting we’re afraid of not being “loved” by our children, of setting limits, but owning up is essential in stopping the cycle. More, we need to ask ourselves, “Do we whine, kvetch, avoid, blame, bully?” If so, we’re teaching Manipulation 101.
2. Close wormholes! With new principles in place, get family rules and expectations in place. Post them. Consequences must be predictable and don’t change with the decibel level of our child – or our inconvenience. At first, the child will become ever more “creative.” Any exception is a set-back. The message: “It won’t work!” will only work with absolute consistency.
3. Empathize and support without “fixing.” Instead of doing that report for your child, or letting her stay home, the new response? “I know it’s hard. I also know you can do it. Calm down and work.” When we let them know we have expectations and trust their ability, instead of “I can’t,” they’ll learn, “I can, and I must.”
4. Reward truth, ethics, and yes, even failure. A successful adult owns it all honestly, then evaluates and persists.
It’s our job to create successful adults. Adults who get what they want through straight-shooting, taking on challenges they fear, and accepting responsibility for themselves.
More, the non-manipulator will also be manipulation proof! A child who is sure-footed is unlikely to be bullied, conned, or controlled. All it requires is getting them off the manipulative merry-go-round, by standing our ground. And that means that we, as parents, must stand on firm ground.