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Dear Rebbetzin Feige,
For about a year now, I have decided to convert to Judaism. I have not formally begun the process yet, but after spending a year tossing around the idea of conversion and letting go of Christian beliefs, I decided to become Jewish. How I got into Judaism is something which I am ashamed of mentioning since I am only 18 years old and fear that people will not take my desire to convert seriously. At school, I had met a Jewish boy who came from a modern Orthodox family. We began dating and are still together. Throughout our two years of being together, we have managed to keep our relationship hidden from our parents; my Christian parents would never approve of it, and neither would his.
As I learned more about Judaism, I began praying and studying Torah regularly, dressing modestly and became shomeret negiah. My boyfriend respects and supports my decisions. The problem I have is with my mother who is the most religious in my family. She has taken notice of my new love for Judaism and is showing her disapproval -- something which I understand and was expecting. She told me that she feels as though she is losing her child and has failed in raising me to be a 'good Christian.' She gets angry when I bring home kosher food, dress in long skirts, read Torah, and am reluctant to go to church and other "weird" things I seem to be doing, as she says.
She suspects that I may have a Jewish boyfriend and often tells me, "Do not convert for anyone. If someone really loves you, he will accept you as you are." I want to convert for myself, not for my boyfriend or for anyone else. And this my mother does not believe. Rebbetzin Feige, how can I bring joy into mother's heart when she sees me as a disappointment? How do I get the idea of a boyfriend out of her mind? I have tried to reassure her that she is not losing me, and that no one is forcing me to convert, but she still believes that an outside influence is pressuring me to be Jewish. What should I do?
My dear reader: Before embarking on the complicated journey into Judaism, there are a number of facts you should know.
Firstly, Judaism does not seek converts. Not because we are reluctant to share our spiritual wealth, but because in contrast to other faiths, we don't consider those who don't embrace our religion as damned or consigned to oblivion. The Jewish position is that if a person observes the seven Noachide laws that are basic to all civilized societies, (i.e. refraining from stealing, murder idolatry, torturing animals, adultery, cursing God and embracing the positive mandate establish a legal system), that individual can merit a portion in eternity. We don't need to "save" anybody. Decent human beings can travel their own path to their specific eternal portion in the world to come.
Though we may be eager to reclaim Jews for Judaism, we don't feel compelled to proselytize to the world at large.
An ultimate decision must never be at the mercy of a penultimate one.
Secondly, consider Larry and Charlotte who came to meet with us about Charlotte's conversion to Judaism. They were serious about each other and Larry's parents could not countenance their son marrying out of the faith. It became evident that Charlotte's interest in Judaism was no more than an attempt to mollify his parents and move on with their personal agenda. In the course of our conversation, we advised her that religion, a relationship with the Master of the world, the very author of our every breath, was not a casual matter to be taken lightly. It is, in fact, the ultimate relationship, the one that has to carry us into eternity. Decisions about whom we marry and with whom we spend our years on Earth, important as they are, do not come close to the significance and seriousness of who our God is and what we believe.
An ultimate decision must never be at the mercy of a penultimate one. My husband pointed out to Charlotte that her new religious interest was frankly not in Judaism but in Larryism. It was simply a means by which to get the man she wanted.
I am not suggesting, my dear reader, that your interest is insincere or ingenuous. What I do know from many years of observing complex human nature is that oftentimes a person is not aware of the many subconscious ulterior motives that lurk beneath the surface. We have seen people who discovered after much honest soul searching that their exploration into Judaism was motivated, deep down, by an effort to hurt their families who they perceived had betrayed them in a myriad of ways. Marriage, retaliation, status seeking, currying favor, etc., are not valid reasons for conversion. It takes a very honest and insightful person and a painstaking process to identify personal interest, ego agendas and to confront the truth. There is no technology that can be applied. It may take a long time for one to be sure.
Linda was a brilliant person of consummate integrity. She studied Judaism and came to classes for years. She was CEO of a huge company and sacrificed much to experience holidays and life cycles in the lives of our community. Her agonizing struggle and search for the truth came to an end when the Rabbi asked her if she was prepared to live a life alone and unmarried. Becoming a convert, he suggested, would further complicate her life and make finding an appropriate partner all the more difficult. She said that when she was able to give an unequivocal positive response, she knew that her search had come to an end and she was ready. She realized that she was committed to the point where no barriers could dissuade her or stand in her way.
Only when there are no strings attached will you get a clear and objective picture of where you stand.
Dear reader, one of the tests you might have to subject yourself to in order to strip away any doubt or semblance of ulterior motive would be to give up your boyfriend. With that personal bias laid to rest, with that subjectivity no longer an issue, you can then proceed to evaluate the merits of your interest in Judaism. Only when there are no strings attached will you get a clear and objective picture of where you stand.
Let me clarify the need for such clarification, and the possible consequences for ignoring it. What if your relationship with this young man should fail to materialize, as sometimes occurs over time with early infatuations? What if your friend's parents would object and the young man feels constrained to accede to his parents' wishes? Are you still committed to becoming an observant Jew? Do you become resentful or bitter to Torah because of the collapse of your romantic interests? I am not questioning your sincerity or integrity, God forbid, nor do I seek to denigrate your courageous attempt of commitment to mitzvoth. Rather, by subjecting yourself to this test, you will determine if your journey can be a proud acquisition of your own, independent of any other person or consideration.
I have the distinct privilege of presiding over a community of which a good portion are righteous converts. They are the finest and the best, and indistinguishable from the rest. In many instances, we are into their second and third generations with offspring who are distinguished rabbis, scholars, professionals and most importantly proud members of the Jewish people. These converts all had one thing in common -- no matter the cost, the pain and the sacrifice, they absolutely had to be Jewish!
Dr. Milt and Ann came to see us about becoming Jewish. I vividly remember that day. I was in a big rush. I had to catch a plane. The words I had said so many times before came pouring out. Jewish law requires that before embracing candidates for conversion, we must first attempt to dissuade them. I gave them the routine. Why would you want to join a people who have been persecuted time and again in the past; the laws of probability would certainly suggest God forbid, that the future will be no different? Our history has been drenched in blood -- inquisitions, pogroms, the Holocaust. Why associate with us and get caught up in our fate?
Furthermore, ours is not a once a week religious commitment to a house of worship. It is a way of life -- a discipline -- from the moment we awake in the morning to when we go to sleep at night, our behavior is circumscribed by laws, the Jewish way to do things. 613 commandments regulate the way we awaken each day, eat our meals, conduct business, interrelate, communicate with each other, inter-gender contact, the way we love, raise children, etc., etc. We are accountable on every level. Judaism is not for the feint-hearted; it is very serious stuff. If you are not born into it, why would you voluntarily subject yourself to it?
They listened intently and respectfully until I finished my tirade and then responded very quietly, thoughtfully and emphatically. "Yes, you are right; it may not make perfect sense, but we just have to do it. Our souls yearn for it and we cannot ignore the calling." I tried and I failed. Today, they are beloved members of our community.
Your mother is another reason why you have to be sure your quest is not motivated by extraneous reasons.
Your mother, dear reader, is another reason why you have to be sure your quest is real and not motivated even minutely by extraneous reasons. Her pain is understandable. She raised you a certain way and the new direction you have taken feels like rejection to her. Whatever the outcome, you must reassure her that it is only because of the values that she instilled within you that you are able to seek truth.
The fact that you adopted and observe many of the mitzvoth is highly commendable, especially those that are counter-culture, such as dressing modestly. You are clearly a high caliber and spiritually sensitive person who understands that there is dignity in modesty and privacy. It points to a young woman in tune with her inner self and the grandeur that resides within, that is grievously cheapened and compromised by a society that accepts the excessive focus and flaunting of body parts and flesh. You understand that the real you reaches far beyond the confines of your outer self.
My dear reader, I would urge you to consult a respectable Torah authority and tell him/her your story honestly and completely. Let him/her help you attain the clarity that you desperately need -- and may the Almighty lead you in the right direction.
(41) Anonymous , August 30, 2009
Missing the point
Very few of the comments seem to address this young lady's question. How can she bring joy into her mother's heart and convince her mother that she is not 'losing' her? (It seems much easier to discuss the questions and concepts around conversion rather than to respond to a question on how to p roperly treat parents, more to our shame.) Unfortunately, I can't give much of an answer. My girlfriend and I are struggling with many of the same issues with her family. There are some books by Anita Diamant that many people find helpful for discussing conversion with families-of-origin. I find the phrase 'if he loves you, he will accept you as you are' somewhat puzzling, though. Containing a Jewish soul, either through birth (via the conversion of Abraham and fulfillment of the covenant) or through halachic conversion, you ARE Jewish; ergo, he does love you as you are. Does she? (Challenging such a point directly would not be respectful, clearly, but could the underlying concept be gently expressed through discussion?) From your letter, she seems to be cojoining your non-acceptance of her religion with a rejection of her herself. Maintaining a relationship with her and making an effort to spend time with her may eventually bear fruit over time. May the Holy One bless you in your paths, and may you be a light unto OUR nation with your merit.
(40) Regina , August 28, 2009
to #33
To Sarah #33, If this man couldn't wait for you for two years, he wasn't worth you. He obviously neither took his faith nor you very seriously. You don't know if your life would be any better if he stayed in it. Have faith that G-d knows best.
(39) Deborah Bat Sarah Imenu , November 19, 2008
Rita Goldblatt & Rosen, ask your Rabbis & think again!!
A sincere convert is a person with a Jewish soul trapped in a body which belongs to another religion! And Rosen: where do you think the souls of the converts were at Mt. Sinai? On the moon? Both of you, go and do a Sheelat Rav in your questions about converts. Why do you think that in Hebrew we say "Ger she mitgayer" and not "Goy she mitgayer"? I myself is a convert and Ultra-orthodox. I agree the topic of conversion is complex - and I certainly understand that not everyone likes to marry a convert, no problem. Forgive me, but with your statements about the Jewish soul I start to question YOUR knowledge!!! Noone in true Ultra-Orthodox circles question the sincerity of a convert who has undergone a proper conversion.
(38) Anonymous , November 12, 2008
Each case is different
My dad was raised conservative and my mom was a non-practicing catholic. Needless to say before I arrived, there was already strife between dad's family and my mom. When I came along, I always felt like I was a disappointment to my dad's side of the family. We moved to a predominantly Jewish place, where 80% of students in my school were reform or conservative. I had positive experiences with being invited to Passover seders, to Bar/Bat Mitzvahs of the non-observant. As I became of age to date in the non-observant world, I predominantly chose Jewish boys. There were a few who wouldn't even date me but would say "one day if you convert..." I went to college (women -only, ironically!) and didn't think much about it until I moved home and confronted the same dating scene. I had Israeli Hiloni friends who had Shabbat dinners, events, and I was meeting more Jewish guys. In fact, there were 3 boys in a row who I would go out with who then became baal tshuva! I visited a friend who made Aliyah a few years after college and met my husband but it took several years for us to work things out. He grew up Orthodox, but at the time we met, the army and Israeli life had eroded his observance level. (so when we met we wer in the same place observance wise). I really liked him, but was hearing loud and clear from my friend that he would never be interested in me seriously because of my non-Jewish status. He never brought it up, but between the long distance, and our "just met" status - it was naturally not a conversation we were having. I went through a lot of pain and feeling rejected. My mom drawing upon her own pain, intensified and confirmed it. She really wanted me to meet someone "just like me." I lashed out once, indicating how I always felt like an outsider, and that the stupid Christmas tree means nothing...who cares if you "always had a menorah too." I put her through a lot, but more because I challenged her self-proclaimed tolerance and feminism. But when I went to the kotel and prayed I really felt something. I let go of my notions of whether this one guy would love/accept me, it was clear he did and if it worked, ok. (Picture all of your friends and family reminding you that a 5000 mile distance would not work anyway). With this great guy living "back over there in Israel" my focus then became confronting the new question in my head: should I proactively convert? Each person I would meet was great, and did I really want to be jewish? I had no qualms saying I was "half jewish" to some people I dated. But I also felt alone. No one to guide me. In fact,that's the whole point to what the Rebbetzin said- we don't seek converts. I swallowed my pride and asked my Israeli guy all the questions I had. Why this, what's this called, why do this...I supplemented with questions to the Rabbis I knew, and internet research. I made an appointment with an Orthodox Rabbi. I was intimidated. I was discouraged that the first Rabbi I met indicated I should attend Aish Ha Torah classes. Ok, so what else? It was a delay tactic on his part, perhaps but as I recall he said "you will need support and a community of people who do what you do" (he was right, for any of you who keep shabbos alone!) I was frustrated with the lack of structure to the path I was taking. Going to a class here or there was fine but I didn't live in walking distance of a shul, and I didn't feel comfortable just walking in to the shul. I knew I would stick out. I met with another Rabbi (don't you get a second opinion?) and he said I should attend the conversion courses (read, for reform/conservative). During those classes, I sat there smugly, as I had learned so much more about being observant. I didn't have to study for the tests. In fact, the Rabbi running the course was really puzzled by me. She met with me privately and asked why I was there. She saw that my level of exposure was greater than others. She asked me what mitzvot I was keeping. I explained that I was teaching myself Hebrew and was davening, keeping kosher, keeping Shabbat (all by myself, no guests, kind of like monastic living!). She looked at me very seriously and said "Go back to that Rabbi and tell him what you're doing and ask him your next steps" I met with the Rabbi and he was surprised to see me. I think he thought I was not "serious" about orthodox conversion. He asked me why I wanted to meet with him. I simply said that I was doing all I could think to do, and what else did he think I needed to do. I listed what I had/was doing. How I kashered my own kitchen. How I kept Shabbat. How I walked 1 mile in the snow to the synagogue nearest me. How I was using an artscroll siddur to learn hebrew. He said he was willing to schedule my conversion, and within the week I completed the mikvah immersion and was Jewish. I called my Israeli friend that morning and excitedly said (in the most mature manner I could) that I had decided to convert, that I really appreciated all he had given me over the phone, and no matter what happened with us, I really appreciated him being there for me. Then I asked him what he was doing and tried to continue a normal conversation. He didn't immediately say much, but within a short time he was making plans to come to the states. We waited a year to get married. There was the culture shock and long distances to work out. We've been married 5 years and I'm a mikveh lady now. It took a while to cover my hair 100% of the time, but like taking on Shabbat or Kosher - I did it slowly. I had a short conversation with my mom. She didn't want to know why I was converting, she was trying to accept it. I decided to tell her anyways. I would sum it up as this: "All my life, I was pointed toward Judaism. I met great people, I liked the holidays, etc. When I learned more about the beliefs, the principles and the lifestyle, it really made sense to me. I can't imagine living any other way. It's not easy sometimes to not go to restaurants I used to go to. I am at a senior level in my company. It's not easy to announce, It's Friday and I need to leave by 2:30pm for the next 6 weeks. No, I can't go to the Saturday portion of the conference. But I would not trade the faith and the community that I have found. Anyone converting should ask themselves- if I had to do this all by myself, would I? The answer should be a resouding yes.
(37) chaya , October 28, 2008
to #4
the laws of the torah did not change since we recieved it on mt sinai. what did change unfortunately, due to our sins, is the prestige in which a jew was perceived by the world at large. everyone respected and admired and was awed by a jew, as the exile continues this is no longer so, still we are and will always remain a 'light upon the nations'