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My Emotionally Abusive Father
Rebbetzin Feige

My Emotionally Abusive Father

Cruelty and abuse, whether physical or emotional, should never be tolerated.

by

Q: My father has been absent or emotionally abusive of me throughout my life. Any attempt on my part to connect with him has failed miserably. Even at this late stage, I have been unable to have an adult to adult relationship with him. He is a habitual liar, verbally abusive and appears to delight in disappointing people and creating totally unnecessary chaos all around him.  

I do not know what is wrong with him. I only know that his lies and rejection of me and my family have caused me years of pain. As much as I love him and wish things were better with us, at age 50 I realize this may never be. I have made sure our son is not affected by his grandfather’s indifference and unkindness.  

Is it okay to stop trying and to detach from him? He is wealthy and does not need anything. I want to do the right thing, but in being good to him I hurt myself, because my father treats me as if I were not even his daughter. He only acknowledges his son, totally overlooking me, my sister and our families.  

What is the right thing to do?


Dear Reader,

We are prisoners of those whose approval we seek. Sadly, you have tried to get into the good graces of your father for the better part of 50 years, and to no avail. It is finally hitting home. The realization is dawning upon you that this situation is unlikely to change. Coming to terms with reality is a major step in the direction of healing and healthy living.

Until now your expectations have set you up for recurrent disappointment and worst of all resentment. Resentment, it has been said, is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. In fact, as you know, it is the one harboring the resentment that suffers debilitating pain and anguish. You, my dear reader, have eaten yourself up alive all these years. And now it is time to step back.

You have eaten yourself up alive all these years. And now it is time to step back.

We should not set out to control or even modify the behavior of others. Jurisdiction extends only to our own responses. Your father’s behavior toward you during these many years has proven the verity of this principle, as you stated “all my attempts have failed miserably.”

We often operate with a preconceived script for our lives and our relationships. In this case, you had an expectation of how a father should be. At some point, confronting the truth becomes inevitable. He is who he is and what he is. Certainly there are factors that impact who a person becomes – childhood experiences, parents, teachers, friends, traumas (e.g. Holocaust), etc. Exploring background information, his past, or his formative years may or may not be helpful in generating understanding and perhaps feelings of compassion. Nonetheless, the script as you would have wished it to be is unlikely to ever be realized.

Fighting Stance

Acceptance would, of course, be the ideal approach. Acknowledging who he is – his limitations and letting go of expectations – would be liberating. It would allow you not to banish him from your life, while at the same time it would remove the shackles of power that he wields over you. This can be done in two ways:

Firstly, a mode borrowed from the martial arts has been suggested to be effective in the emotional arena as well. Physical fighting stances involve balance, alignment, weight distribution and posture. A psychological fighting stance is all about emotional balance – self-acceptance, abiding by your own moral code, forgiving yourself for failing to reach perfection (a rare achievement) and finally, offering yourself as much compassion as you would give a beloved friend.

This works because cruelty, to be effective, has to land on a welcoming spot in the victim’s belief system. In Eleanor Roosevelt’s immortal counsel: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” If we hold onto ourselves, secure in the conviction that we are okay (and that usually requires a lot of work), it is unlikely that others will seriously rock our boat. It is usually the insecurity we live with that allows those who seek to marginalize us to score points.

Another tactic is to be totally upfront and disarming by making statements such as: “Dad, this really hurt me, I need you to stop, I need you to hear me out.” Share your feelings and needs openly. Don’t wait for him to get it on his own. Let him know point-blank how distressing the given comment or interaction has been to you.

On the other hand, you can continue a degree of relationship from afar. Send holiday and birthday wishes, or leave a voice mail when you know he won’t be answering. This allows you to show your respect, without having to directly interact. From your letter it seems that you still yearn to connect, and this means you don’t have to quit cold turkey.

Respecting Boundaries

Consider Helen, whose father smothered her and sought to control her with his incessant demands for attention. Nothing she did ever sufficed. Her husband and children found his unending criticisms and complaints oppressive. Helen finally moved to another city. Phone calls were more manageable because she could either not answer or cut them short. Having gotten some distance and perspective, Helen invited her father to join her in counseling so that they might work toward a more mutually satisfying relationship.

Now, some years later, Dad comes to visit but respects Helen’s boundaries – when to come, how long to stay and when to leave. Phone calls are engaged when it is convenient for both of them. On occasion when things get out of hand temporarily, they go back to the therapist for adjustment.

Do not feel guilty for choosing to detach in order to protect you and your family.

Parenthetically, Helen worked very hard for the self-affirmation and confidence that allowed her to hold onto herself and do what she knew was right, and not to allow the fear of rejection and guilt to derail her.

The bottom line is that cruelty and abuse, whether physical and/or emotional, is not normal and should never be tolerated. Do not feel guilty for choosing to detach in order to protect you and your family. Our obligation to honor our parents does not mean putting your emotional well-being in danger.

In the event that the suggestions articulated above have not and would not work for you, I would recommend that you seek professional help. You deserve to find peace, to come to terms, and to assuage the torment of so many years.

Related Article: My Escape from Child Abuse

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Visitor Comments: 63

(49) Anonymous, July 1, 2016 10:49 AM

Part 3

Do we allow people to contaminate or ethics, morals, and values by having a person who makes choices that harm his own children and grandchildren and how long do we try to mend a relationship that we did not break, they broke it, we want it fixed, but they are not willing to work on it as well as having no compassion for the pain and suffering from longing and loss that we live with every day and have felt extreme pain over for decades? It is like a bereavement that has not end because they are alive. Now I am 56 a have been estranged from the most significant, valuable, relationship that I had for 14 years, all my feelings of love, gratitude, appreciation, loyalty, and devotion are as present today as they were at 14. It is having been decades of pain and suffering praying and hoping there would be some kind of awareness on his part of what was done. Like the questioner my father lives at the top of end of wealth, luxury vacations, homes, cars, boats, art, and even an airplane. He does not share his wealth with anyone other than the woman who invaded our home when I was 14 and of course her children from her previous marriage. Those children are good, his children are bad and no amount of talk will change that belief system that she created as their reality. I will continue to miss him and love him but I want to detach if for no other reason than to model for my children that we do not have to accept people in our lives that have not asked forgiveness and until they do we should be able to at least make a statement. If or when you find yourself capable of seeing reality and acknowledging those you have harmed. I am going no contact. I have not done that yet but I want to for the sake of my children.

(48) Anonymous, July 1, 2016 10:48 AM

Limit to letters allowed this is part 2 and next will be 3

I accept the rejection and pain but I don't feel like my children should have to suffer. My Dad will not be honest nor own how he really feels it is all hidden. He states he loves me and my children but has made no attempt to contact me in over 6 years and while traveling all around the world with her and hers. Family means everything to me. I wish my Dad cared but reality is reality. That is not how you treat someone you care about.

(47) Anonymous, July 1, 2016 10:46 AM

Upset with response to this question.

Aggravated with Dear reader response. There was ZERO resentment in the question. I am in a very similar situation. I was securely attached to my Dad for 14 years. A characterological disturbed woman was aloud in our family home. The experience was brutal because I trusted adults and it took year after year for a decade after leaving to finally put the entire puzzle together. She was a manipulator. Basically roles were assigned. I was the scapegoat/abuser so all manner of dramatic outrageous stories was told. I was accused of thoughts I never had, feelings I never felt, words I never said and acts I never committed. My Dad trusted her and believes her and he broke the bond we had for 14 years. He was the victim, so he may mention some minor thing about me and she would kick in high gear in dramatic flair, you poor thing, you don't deserve to be treated like that, I feel so bad for you darling, you shouldn't have to suffer like this! Her role was to rescue, comfort and save the victim. Well it is crazy making stuff because I wasn't in on the story and my voice was stolen. She not only wanted him to have an x-wife she also wanted him to be an x-father to me and become a father to children she had from a prior marriage. She got exactly what she wanted he has been involved with the lives of her and her children while behaving passive/aggressively toward me for well over four decades. I have the same issue as the questioner.

(46) Anonymous, November 11, 2015 4:46 AM

Distance Yourself - It's not about you-it's them.

I remember my father growing up as being angry, obsessive, and controlling. He did provide financially, and from outward appearances our family seemed happy. He would turn on the charm for outsiders. Yet emotionally and socially he had NOTHING to give. Whenever I would accomplish something, he would cut me down with some comment. I often wondered why? Why wouldn't he be proud? I told him once-"You have nothing to give, do you?" He didn't respond. If someone gave me a compliment while he was there, he would say, "Don't give him a big head". I don't think he ever cared about me as a person, but rather saw me as something to brag about to others. We never wanted for anything material. Yet the emotional abuse was evident. I'll never understand why he was like this. My only guess is that he was mistreated himself. He grew up with little money, and maybe his father was the same way. I didn't know my grandfather that well before he died. I'll never know for sure. I think he was afraid,; afraid of having no one and being abandoned. I came to realize it was all about him. Emotionally there was something wrong-missing. Don't poison yourself with anger and resentment. It will only hurt you, no one else cares! You don't have to forgive or accept that your abusive was acceptable behavior. Rather take a reflective stance, and understand that there is something wrong with your father. Give yourself space, and realize those are not truths about you. Look to your future. We all wish to have had the perfect life (childhood), yet we have to accept that when we are children, we had to make the best of what we had no control over (with the cards we were dealt). Nourish yourself in the future with people and things that make your essence happy. You can only control yourself-no one else. Take care of your body and mind and seek joy and passion in your life. The past "is what it is". Accept that and move forward and take care of YOU.

Anonymous, July 9, 2016 3:54 PM

same story follows with my father and due to which i have lost much ,i to have lost friends and cousins ,because i couldnt grow emotionly and develop my conversation skills.

same story follows with my father and due to which i have lost much ,i to have lost friends and cousins ,because i couldnt grow emotionly and develop my conversation skills.

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