(16) SusanE, 13/9/2008
Another Way to Look at Putting Your Spouse First
"The clothes on the floor, the cereal on the counter, the forgotten phone message, the baby's pajamas on backwards -- let it go." ...The author states that these things are trivial. The loving wife should concede that these things aren't worth disrupting the harmony of the marriage, and she should place her spouse above these trivial needs of her own. Emuna, With respect, I always try to see things from either point of view. The womans view of the Talmud advice could be that, the man shouldn't mind so much and 'let it go' if their clean laundry is in an unfolded pile on the bed. When his wife forgets occassionally to write his messages down. If the toilet seat isn't cleaned daily, if there are bits of last nights supper still on the table at breakfast, and let it go if his children aren't well dressed. After all, these things are just trivial. He really shouldn't mind, especially when he can see from the above article that his spouses needs and the harmony of the marriage should take precedence. 'Treat your wife like a Queen and she will treat you like a King'. " It takes real strength of character to step back, to concede, to defer, to allow the needs of another to take precedence". I agree. Women should allow their husbands to develop that strength of character, and allow them to defer and consider how he can keep harmony in their home........................................ Emuna, I certainly wasn't a doormat, and certainly not a 'feminist'. I dislike competition even in high-school sports or board games, let alone in marriage. I see competition between husbands and wives much of the time. I was a wife and mother. I had dinner on the table at 5 each evening, the kids were well dressed and well loved, my home was tidy and nicely-appointed. I joined my husband in all the activities he liked and participated in. I helped him in his businesses. I did these things from my own free will. I also had my own interests and friends and hobbys. I began my own small business once the children had left home. After 35 years of seeing to his needs and letting things go and defering to his wishes, I realized that my part in the marriage could have been performed by a paid housekeeper, paid cook and paid escort. The marriage was one sided and my mistake was not respecting my wants and needs. He wasn't an abusive man, or a stingy man, he was generous with money. I just never got to be the Queen.

(15) Joe, 12/9/2008
To Michael
May Hashem bless and comfort you.

(14) Judith, 10/9/2008
the source
A midrash (source not known) is cited in the famous sefer, Menoras Ha'Maor, section "To Marry a Wife," part four, chapter two. "The sages said in a midrash that one wise woman directed her daughter when she was about to marry, saying to her, 'My daughter, stand before your husband like before a king and serve him. If you will be like a maid to him, he will be like a slave to you and he will honor you like his master. And if you will make yourself big upon him, he will be like a master over you against your will, and you will be, in his eyes, cheap like one of the maidservants.'"

(13) Eytan, 10/9/2008
"Be Selfish" and always give your spouse without counting...
You will be the one gaining the most out of it and have a beautiful marriage.

(12) Leora, 9/9/2008
echoing other comments
I just wanted to add my voice to those raising problems with this article. It seems like in good marriages people instinctively know to put their spouse first, or at least feel bad when they fail to, and try harder the next time. And in crummy marriages, one person tries this, or some other, strategy to bring warmth and cooperation into a marriage with a difficult partner-- and gets dumped on anyway. Obviously - this only works if both are doing it... and it's by no means the case that the uncooperative spouse will respond in kind eventually. Some people just have really, really low standards for themselves, or it's a mismatch, etc.

(11) Michal Evenari, 9/9/2008
The Talmud is right.
From the first sentence to the last I agreed with your article, Emuna. I have been blessed with a marriage, where for 38 years we were "King" and "Queen". I heard it once said by a man from India: "In a happy marriage the happiness of your partner must be a part of your own happiness." That is exactly the same, only said with other words. That Hashem took my loved one from me, I could not grasp. Only 1 and a half year later I was able to accept it and call Hashem "Dayan ha emet". - But then I heard a great Rav say: "Its worth the pain to experience the love." He is totally right. Thank you for writing so wonderful things!

(10) bernie siegel, md, 9/9/2008
marriage is an ordeal
joseph campbell called marriage and ordeal and my wife calls it a struggle. because it is about the realtionship and not individual desires so 1, 1 equals 3. the two create a third entity and as long as they act out of love and respopnsibility it will be a success. However, if it the relationship threatens your health and life then love from a distance. I'll ake this marriage work if it kills me is not appropriate.

(9) Anonymous, 9/9/2008
prayer
Suzanne: Rabbi Pincus has a tape where he discusses the power of prayer for a spouse. You can pray that your husband should know how to integrate more spirituality into his life. Constant and sincere prayers are answered, and G-d will then open doors for your husband to grow. Prayer is more powerful than nagging: it doesn't have the side affects and achieves its goal through an Agent more powerful than any other!

(8) Anonymous, 8/9/2008
advice to Suzanne
I've been dealing with this dilemma myself - how to encourage my husband's spiritual growth (especially Torah learning). The advice I was given by our Rav was that you shouldn't raise the issue directly, but rather be patient. Until I internalized this, I was very distressed a lot because I felt I couldn't do anything and was lacking. So, what CAN you do? The best thing to do (when it's not emotionally charged) is to let your husband know how happy it makes you when he does learn or makes 3 minyans a day, for instance. I don't know if this advice applies to all circumstances or individuals, but I thought it was worth sharing. Of course, the best thing you can do is ask your rabbi for what's right for your family. Good luck to you!

(7) Suzanne, 8/9/2008
Then what . . . ?
This is great advice and I feel that I am following it but it falls short. Every time I ask someone how I can encourage my husband without falling into nagging they assume it's things like the particulars mentioned in the article but what about major stuff, like encouraging your husband to study Torah or pray more (or at all). I want to build him up to encourage him to deeper spirituality but the only advice I seem to hear is about overlooking insignificant differences which I already do. I'm getting very tired and feel very alone. Somebody somewhere has to know something about encouraging your husband's spirituality.

(6) shells, 8/9/2008
thank YOU
now THIS I share with the World! for when G-d created Man in His image did He not give us Women a copy of Himself to look after us unconditionally and for us to mirror the 'one' from whom we were built? .... to help 'our' Man.... not to take over His position? for ultimately I have always wanted to be able to look up to a Man to look after me and my children AND keep the romance alive... and that kind of love can only happen with respect, trust and unconditional love... thanks again... I pray many read and understand what you have written and shared with us. shalom your Shells x

(5) Cristie, 7/9/2008
Truth works when you work the truth!
Excellent article and very true as I have learned from personal experience over the course of my own 14 year marriage. If we lack the humility to just "let go" of everything we want to make issue of, we just need to ask G-d for His help and then practice! Thanks for a great article - I'm going to pass it around.

(4) Anonymous, 7/9/2008
I don't agree - marriage is all about compromise.
I don't agree with this article. Unfortunately, if we treat our husbands like kings they become arrogant, controlling and critical. They won't appreciate us for it. My ex-husband never, ever treated me like a queen, no matter how nice I was to him. I think marriage has to be a partnership between equal adults who treat each other with respect but most of all with honesty.

(3) Anonymous, 7/9/2008

Good article. My comment is: this needs to work both ways--it is not just the woman's role to put her spouse first. "If you treat your wife like a Queen, she will treat you like a King". Shalom

(2) Anonymous, 7/9/2008

King, Queen, status? To be other oriented is humility and if both husband and wife share this attribute, then both feel their needs are being met and the marriage is strong and healthy. After we establish what our need is then the next step is to ask our spouse, what is their need. The purpose of a relationship is to help the other person locate their strenghs, to appreciate their uniqunesses and to find ways to exempfly them within the marriage. Becareful, that this needs to prove that to the other that they are most important, does not come at the expense of losing yourself, because then the marriage also loses.

(1) charlie, 7/9/2008
does this go both ways?
What happens if you are doing all the ''putting first'' and your partner seems to want to have things ''her'' way and admiting it?