Money is missing from your wallet. Your daughter says "I saw Josh take it out of your wallet." What are your immediate thoughts? Do you first give him the benefit of the doubt - maybe someone came collecting charity, or the paperboy came to be paid, or do you assume the worst?
Judging others favorably is a mitzvah. Instead of jumping to conclusions that your son is the culprit, look for possible positive explanations for the seemingly incorrect behavior.
Since we want others to give us the benefit of the doubt, we should try not to be quick to make negative judgments about our fellow humans and come up with "escape clauses" -- possible, reasonable, favorable explanations for their behavior. The Torah teaches that the way we behave toward others is the way that God will behave toward us.
THE FAIR FAMILY
The obligation to judge favorably applies to our children too. In fact, it applies first and foremost to the members of our family circle.
Fulfilling this commandment varies according to who is being judged. There are three categories to consider:
Category 1
The first category concerns a person who has demonstrated a good track record in the behavior that is being judged. For example, we may have a child who has always been honest. Now, at age 12, this child has been caught shoplifting. Since it is the child's first offence, the parent should not think "What a little thief he is!" or "What an ingrate, after all we've done for him!" Don't ignore his excellent track record. In this case, the Torah commands us to judge him favorably -- to search for good, reasonable explanations for his misbehavior, not farfetched excuses.
The parent could think that the child was suffering from undue peer pressure, or he was impulsive and not thinking about the consequences of his actions, or he just forgot to pay for the item, etc.
Positive judgment does not preclude taking action that will help the child to remember not to steal in the future. The parent can certainly create a logical consequence -- having the child write an apology to the store, do some community service, pay back the value of the item.
Category 2
The second category concerns a person who has a mixed track record. The child is generally honest, but who has been known on occasion to do some questionable things -- perhaps he's told small lies sometimes or he has taken small change found in the house without permission. Now he has been found shoplifting.
In this category, we are obligated to make a favorable judgment if it's fairly easy to do. There is no reason for us to assume the worst. Only in cases where it would be very difficult to come up with a positive explanation would we be exempt from judging favorably.
Category 3
If the child has a poor track record in this specific area, let's say he's been caught shoplifting twice before, we are not obligated to try to come up with positive explanations.
Nonetheless, if we choose to try to find a favorable judgment it is considered meritorious on our part.
Seeing the good does not preclude taking steps to discipline our children. Understanding that our son shoplifts because he may be suffering from very low self-esteem, or a biologically based impulse control problem, does not stop us from instituting punishment for this behavior. There is still an enormous difference between condemning the child as a no-good thief and trying to understand his behavior in the light of personal or physical challenges.
HOW TO TEACH YOUR CHILDREN THE ART OF JUDGING
The most powerful technique for teaching this essential attitude is for the parent to model this attitude and demonstrate it his dealings with his child and others.
When the child misbehaves, how do you react? Do you jump to hasty conclusions, loudly reprimanding without asking him about his behavior first? Do you start punishing before finding out exactly what happened?
When a child does something that seems incorrect, the parent should first question the child in a non-accusatory manner, giving the child the benefit of the doubt.
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| Using a gentle tone of voice to question a child's behavior is essential -- it invites an honest response. | |
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For example, if a father really wants to know who broke his new tool, he should not bellow, "WHO BROKE MY NEW TOOL?!" Nobody is going to walk themselves to the gallows! But if the father asks this same question in a reasonable, gentle tone of voice that invites an honest response, the perpetrator will most likely come forward.
After his son admits that he broke the new tool, the father can continue to demonstrate the attitude of judging favorably. The father might say, "I know you don't generally break things. What happened here today?"
The child sees right away that his father is judging him fairly. Feeling safe under the circumstances, the child will most likely tell the full truth: "I guess I just wasn't being careful and I knocked it off the table when I was walking by."
The father now has an opportunity to show more fair judgment: "That can happen to anyone sometimes. However, I'm sad that my new tool is ruined. Please try to look where you're going in the future." This may be all that is necessary for this child's education. The youngster may feel bad enough about the broken tool and his father's obvious disappointment, that he will indeed endeavour to be more careful in the future.
ILLUSTRATIVE STORIES
A fun way to teach our children the art of judging positively is to read them stories that encourage them to think of plausible explanations for the questionable behavior. The following stories can be tried for starters -- you can make up your own and also look for real-life stories to add to the collection:
1. "Loud Neighbor"
You know that Mrs. Gold is a very polite, quiet woman who never raises her voice. One day, you're about to knock on her front door to ask to borrow some milk and you hear shouting coming from inside the house. To your shock, Mrs. Gold is screaming loudly at her children.
Ask your child: What's going on here? And encourage him to come up with possible explanations that present Mrs. Gold in a good light. Suggested explanation: It isn't Mrs. Gold -- it's her sister who has a very similar voice and who happens to be visiting with her young children.
2. "Camp Buddy"
Twelve-year old Donna met many great kids at camp last summer. They came from all different cities. Imagine Donna's delight when one of her camp buddies appeared in town during winter vacation! She was shopping in the same department store as Donna. Donna waved excitedly across the aisle. Her friend smiled coolly and continued to pay for her items; she then turned and went out of the store! Donna was crushed.
Suggested explanation: The girl Donna waved to wasn't actually her camp friend -- it was a close look-alike. The stranger had just smiled politely and left the store because she didn't actually know Donna.
3. "Long Wait"
You're standing in a long line at the bank. You've been waiting twenty minutes already. There are still eight people ahead of you. Suddenly, a lady walks in and takes her place as second in line!
Suggested explanation: The lady was actually there before you came in the bank, but had to go to the bathroom. The teller told her that she could go and then come back into her place in line.
4. "Overlooked?"
Jaymie has a box of candy. At recess, he starts offering everyone a piece. You're standing with a bunch of kids in a group and Jaymie offers everyone a piece, except you. Then he moves on to the next group of kids and starts offering them candy. Why did he leave you out?
Suggested explanation: It was a total mistake. Jaymie got confused and thought that he already offered you a piece of candy; he didn't realise he had overlooked you.
5. "No Show"
It's Monday afternoon. You're supposed to meet Alice and Taylor at 5 o'clock at the corner store. It's already 5:30 and they still haven't come. You give up and go home, expecting that they'll at least telephone you to apologise for not showing up, but they never even call.
Suggested explanation: There was a misunderstanding. They thought they were supposed to meet you on Tuesday at 5 o'clock whereas you thought the meeting was set for Monday. They didn't call because they didn't realise you were waiting for them.
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Very informative article,
Great article. I used it to teach public school high schoolers about "Dan Lekaf Zechut." the categories and illustrative stories were really great for initiating a lively and interactive discussion with the whole group and making the whole concept more practical. Thanks!