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Don't Miss Today!

Don't Miss Today!

God sent me this crucial test and I had to make a critical choice.

by A. Goodman

While most of my peers are marrying off their children and reveling in the joys of grandparenthood, I have not yet been blessed with motherhood.

At every social function, I start out all smiles and hellos, until the inevitable happens. The group launches into a lively and detailed discussion about their offspring, their offspring's offspring, playgroups, babysitters, teachers. I continue smiling, with nothing to offer and usually leave early.

I must remind myself every day that I actually have a husband.

Feeling that others have what I do not is not a new challenge for me. I spent most of my adult life as a single woman. Every day brought with it reminders that other people had husbands. This feeling that God is bent on withholding the good stuff was so great, that after a number of years of marriage, I must remind myself every day that I actually have a husband. Once the cognitive dissonance passes, I'm able to savor budding feelings of appreciation. Yes, but other people have children too. Here we go again.

I live next door to a family of 12 children. I hear their playful laughter, their voices soaring in unison around the table every Shabbat. I gaze longingly through my window, as each takes his or her turn sitting proudly atop their Abba's lap or running for a reassuring hug from Ima.

Friends and mentors offer words meant to console and enlighten, yet only serve to disturb and discourage. "What others have has nothing to do with your not having."

This stark juxtaposition of lives happened for a reason. I think my neighbor's having does have to do with me. And my not having is a message for her ― especially during her overwhelming mommy moments. It compels each of us to focus on the value of what we do have ― to truly want it with all our might, thereby increasing the love for the blessing.

Life is about tests. God set up the circumstances for this most difficult one. I know it's a crucial one for my soul, because it comes up over and over again.

Two weeks ago, I attended a friend's sheva brachot hosted by the bride's childhood buddy. I sat among her long-married friends. I introduced myself and hoped the dreaded discussion would remain at bay. It docked too soon. A cell phone chimed. "One of the kids, no doubt!" "Hi honey, this better be important." "How many do you have?" "I heard you just married off your first." "She just had a girl." "Mazel tov!"

I gave myself permission to leave when the kvelling got rough. But it was only 15 minutes into the event. I took the next available option ― the bathroom. With head in hands, I sat on the bathtub ledge, wondering if I could stay there studying the turquoise tiles until the guests left. I thought, It's not as if I'm pining for a Lexus or a mansion; these are noble yearnings. Someone needed the bathroom. I left my hideout and reentered the fire.

Walking to the bus the next day, I noticed my pregnant neighbor waiting with three little ones for the school bus. I pass her most mornings. Sometimes I force a smile; this time I averted my eyes. During the bus ride to work, I continued to agonize. Another day without a family. Will I ever nurture a child? Am I unworthy? Am I incompetent? I took little comfort in the fact that many would actually find my ruminations and their accompanying pain completely justified.

Perhaps it was a spark of a desire expressed amid the negativity, a humble plea for self-change that brought a hard-earned Elul miracle my way. A lone thought pushed through the drone and shouted, "Don't miss today!"

I do not expect the struggle to end here, yet I own a powerful thought and plan to cultivate it.

I couldn't ignore the truth of it. My every cell knew a critical choice had to be made. I knew that if I chose to continue my, 'totally justified' unhappiness, I would miss the solid goodness in my life. Today, I have the opportunity to savor the bond between my spouse and me; the lifetime of love in an aging parent's eyes; the words that uplift a friend; another day to do better.

I do not expect the struggle to end here, yet I own a powerful thought and plan to cultivate it. We build our lives on tests and moments; each one serving as a precious opportunity to grow into the people we mean to become. As I steer my thoughts away from the sadness of this deficiency in my life, and embrace the good that stands smiling before me, I am ― with a lot of help from Above ― employing the power of Elul and choosing to make ample room in my mind, heart, and soul ― for today.

September 24, 2005

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Visitor Comments: 59

(57) Anonymous, March 3, 2010 8:57 AM

Passionate empathy I cried as I read your article, I remember doing exactly the same thing, hiding in the bathroom, looking for excuses not to go to babyshowers, I understand. Your insight was fabulous and I'm sure it is helping many women. You should start an internet support group. Thank you for sharing.

Anonymous, July 13, 2012 3:30 PM

I did also the same thing for 20 years, could not have a child cried and cried I had 23 nephews and felt so bad that I did not hear the word Maman in french just Tata as an aunt. My mother lived in Israel and also called and cried over the phone for not being blessed with a child My mam passed away in Israel, all the family was here from all over the world, I prayed at the Kotel, tojust come and take care of my mother's grave. I was already 39 . When my mother passed away, we were all in Jerusalem

Anonymous, July 13, 2012 4:22 PM

I cried for 20 years for not having a child. I have 24 nephews and nieces wanted to hear the word"Maman" in french and not just "Tata" as we call an aunt. My parents lived in Israel, and I was in France. Called my mam everyday and cried because I was not blessed with a child. My mam passed away and all the family was in israel for the funeraI. I was 39, and gave up the idea of having children. I prayed at the Kotel just after the funeral to just come back to my country and take care of my mother's grave since we all, 9 of us, lived abroad. Believe it or not, I came back with a gorgeous little baby. I gave birth to my daughter the same day we did my mam's Hascara. My daughter is 26 , getting married next month BN. SO BELIEVE IN HIM JUST HIM. My child of course has my mam's name "Kochava" in Hebrew, and can be translated in any language ....she is my Star, mon Etoile, Estrella.... Wish all women, it does not matter where they come from, with the deapest of my heart to be blessed with a child.SHABBAT SHALOM

(56) Christina Sorum, March 3, 2010 8:56 AM

Thank you I often come and visit your website although I am not Jewish. I find your articles very interesting and thought provoking. The articles have helped me try to do better in my marriage. I decided to write you a note today because of the Don't Miss Today article. I have not been able to have children and the doctors don't seem to know why so I have had a difficult time dealing with it. It has made me want to flee from family gatherings because I just get so overwhelmed. This article made me realize how much I am missing because I am so focused on what I don't have. Thank you for reminding me of all of the wonderful things I do have.

(55) Anonymous, July 26, 2008 4:14 PM


In London is an Organisation called Chana, which helps such capels without children, may it will be an idea to cantact them...maybe it will work out...maybe they can help...
always remember: Hashem never gives us test which we cant handel...!!!

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