Our first approach to wrestling with suffering requires us to take a look at a fourth aspect of God's nature: love.
"...I have loved you with an everlasting love, therefore I have enveloped you in kindness."
Jeremiah, 31:2
We usually think of love as being expressed through tender moments of warmth and nurturing, a sense of reaching beyond ourselves through giving and sharing our deeper selves. This is one aspect of love called chesed, loving-kindness.
But there is another, equally essential side to love without which, no love can be complete: discipline. To illustrate, imagine a mother getting a phone call from the local supermarket telling her to come pick her teenaged son who has been caught shoplifting. The mother believes in parenting through positive reinforcement – only expressions of warmth and love are accepted, no criticisms allowed. During the drive home from the store the son silently waits for his mother’s reaction. She gives him a big smile and says, "You had such a busy day, you must be starving! What do you want for dinner?" The shoplifting incident is never mentioned.
Two days later the mother gets a phone call from the police to come down to the station. Her son has been caught mugging an elderly woman. She posts the bail and gives her son a big hug. "My poor darling! This is no place for you. You must have been so frightened!"
What do you think the son is going to do tomorrow? What he really yearns for is some real attention. He desperately wants his mother to draw the line somewhere, to set some boundaries and say, "No! This is wrong. You’re going too far."
Acceptance and warmth alone are a distortion of love. The mother’s unceasing smile becomes a menacing statement that nothing he does is worthy of reaction. Discipline and judgment, the other face of love, tells him that his actions truly matter.
A love without reproof isn’t love.
Bereishis Rabba 54:3
The aim of discipline in good parenting is to educate, not punish. The goal is to show the child where he is making a mistake and to direct him on the proper path.
Jewish literature refers to God as our Father in Heaven, Avinu Sheb'shamayim. He is a father, not a grandfather with a long white beard. There is a significant difference between a parent and a grandparent. The grandparent’s relationship is built primarily on the chesed/giving side of love – bringing presents, spending time playing with the grandchildren, getting nachas. When discipline is called for, the parents step in.
God relates to us like a parent; His love is complete, expressed through both giving and discipline. Therefore when something bad happens, the first approach to wrestling with it is to try to understand what our Father in Heaven is teaching us.
"When misfortune comes upon a person, he should examine his actions."
We are being taught a lesson, not getting a punishment. Adversity can be a wake-up call from God, encouraging us to explore our actions to see where we are going off course.
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